This morning, about eleven, my private secretary told me I had a call from my nephew Jason. Since I was in a meeting that I knew would last until well after noon, I didn’t give any thought to returning it, though. As it happened, then, Jason was nearly frantic when I finally spoke with him around one-thirty:
Jason: Tom! Call Ralph Nader! Now!
Tom: Huh? Why? How come?
Jason: Just do it, please! Call him now and try to talk him out of running for President!
Tom: What makes you think I can do that?
Jason: Well, it’s not like I really know whether anyone can, but I do know for sure that, right now is the time when somebody like you stands the best chance of succeeding!
Tom: “Somebody like me?”
Jason: I mean, somebody smart, somebody who’s got a mind like the Encyclopaedia Britannica, somebody Nader knows, somebody he respects, somebody who’s simpatico with him; okay? That’s all I’m talking about – somebody he might listen to, somebody that maybe, just maybe, can reason with him!
Tom: How come?
Jason: Paisley has… let’s call it… “access” to some key people in his organization, and I heard it on the best of authority that some of my Primo Dancing Bear Amsterdam ecstasy and the corner of a pure Zurich Thurn and Taxis Lot 49 Sandoz ergotamine blotter airmail made their way into his lunch about forty-five minutes ago.
Tom: Bleeding Christ Almighty on Pilate’s Misbegotten Cross! You tabbed Ralph Nader?
Jason: He left us no choice! You want John McCain to win the election? Look, Tom – Paisley said, tell your uncle there’s no time to debate the ethics of the circumstances – just get him to call and talk Ralph Nader out of running for President – now!
Tom: Okay, why not? It’s only conversation. But tell me, exactly how high did you toss him?
Jason: Not much, not much at all. We didn’t want him to flip out – or even notice that he’d been given psychedelics, really. We just wanted him in a… receptive state of mind.
Tom: So how much is that? How many milligrams of that Dutch methylene dioxy methamphetamine did you slip him?
Jason: Just a couple.
Tom: “A couple” as in “two?”
Jason: Maybe three. No more than four.
Tom: And how many micrograms of d-lysergic acid diethylamide?
Jason: Somewhere between ten and twenty. Strictly ‘80’s tween suburban rave dosages, that’s all – like Mom and Dad used to do at parties out on Long Island when they were kids.
Tom: Well, thank you for not blowing poor old Ralph’s mind. I mean, the last thing Ralph Nader needs right now is to realize that we’re all manifestations of God and that God’s universal love extends to every living creature, even the board members of major multi-national corporations.
Jason: Sure, and then do something that’s not appropriate.
Tom: Like buy an ATV and ride around in the woods with no helmet.
Jason: Or no seat belt.
Tom: Or both, and end up in a YouTube video for all the Internet to see.
Jason: Right. Now, please, please, please, I swear, we’ve been careful – call him!
Tom: Oh, all right, I suppose I might as well.
Jason: Thanks, Tom! Do your best to talk him out of it, okay?
Tom: Will do. ‘Bye.
First, I told my secretary to contact my two o’clock appointment and let him know I’d be running late. Then, a few minutes later, I managed to get Ralph on the phone:
Tom: Ralph! Hi, it’s Tom Collins!
Nader: Ah… how… where… uh… who…
Tom: Tom Collins Martini, the Washington policy consultant.
Nader: Oh… why… yes, howdy doody…
Tom: How long has it been, anyway?
Nader: It… you… uh… long… ah… too long…
Tom: Aye, aye to that, sir!
Nader: Eye? Eye? Eye, yi-yi…
Tom: Si, si, saludos, amigo!
Nader: Oh, oh… oh, yeah, Tom; Tom Collins; Tom Collins Martini – what a pleasant surprise! We haven’t talked in ages, have we? I… I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been so busy. I’m always… so busy.
Tom: Hey, no problem! How are you?
Nader: To tell the truth, I was a bit tired and depressed earlier today, but since lunch, I don’t know, I guess maybe I was hypoglycemic or something, because now I feel… fine. Better… than fine, even.
Tom: Gee, Ralph, that’s great to hear.
Nader: Just a second. [Seven minutes and twelve seconds elapse.] There. Got cup of coffee. Don’t usually drink… coffee, but… Mmmm, yeah. A cup of coffee can sure be good… now and then.
Tom: I know what you mean. Cream and sugar?
Nader: No… but now that you mention it… just a second. [Nine minutes and thirty nine seconds elapse.] Okay. Oh, yeah, you were right, Tom. There was some organic half-and-half and raw sugar over by the coffee machine in the office across the hall. And were they surprised to see me! “I thought you hated coffee,” one of them said. I had to stop and explain that it’s not the drink, it’s the whole coffee system that I oppose. Then another one, he wanted me to put fifty cents in the coffee kitty, so I had to ask around for somebody to break a five, and he was a nickle short, but they said, since I was Ralph Nader, I could owe them the nickle, and I said “Here, take a dollar then, you may not know this, but I’m worth millions!” Got a nice laugh out of that bunch with a line like that, I can tell you. Yeah. Oh, yum! Now, that’s something, there, by Jiminy Crickets, that is. I guess I’d forgotten how scrumptious a nice cup of coffee can be. Mmmm… outstanding… simply outstanding… the aroma – it’s a bank of billowing clouds, it keeps changing; the taste – it has layers, it ebbs and flows in kaleidoscopic waves… did you ever notice that coffee has a texture?
Tom: I think you must have the makings of a true connoisseur, Ralph. I guess you’ve just been too modest to display it.
Nader: Yeah… yeah, that’s me. Modest. Self-effacing. Unpretentious. Plain… Old Ralph. Everyday Ralph. Rumpled… Ralph. Old Rumpled Ralph, the Man Who Never… Drove a Car.
Tom: Yep, ain’t no ‘bout a doubt it, that’s you, all right.
Nader: And never more… than right now, Tom.
Tom: Excellent. Look, Ralph, as you said, you are just about the busiest guy in America, so I’ll get right down to the reason I called you – it’s about your latest run for president.
Nader: Oh, gee, Tom, that was very thoughtful of you to call and congratulate me. Can I count on your endorsement then? Maybe some help getting on the ballot in Virginia or DC?
Tom: Well, as McGovern told Eagleton, I’m behind you one thousand percent.
Nader: Uh… ah… yeah, sure, that’s wonderful, Tom.
Tom: Your announcement last Sunday was like an electrical shock.
Nader: It made some folk’s hair stand on end, no doubt about that.
Tom: I’d say it totally convulsed the electorate.
Nader: That was the idea – stir things up, get things rolling, put the power structure on notice, show our covert rulers that there are still people in this country who believe in democracy, people who are tired of bought-and-paid-for politicians working for the moneyed interests, subjecting America to the biggest Going Out of Business Sale in history…
Tom: Absolutely, and you’re sure going to stick it to those craven, spineless Democrats, no matter who they nominate to run against you.
Nader: It’s not just the Democrats, Tom! The Republicans are no better – maybe even worse.
Tom: Oh, yeah, sure, the Republicans, too. But golly, Ralph, I mean, among the people who forsake their regular party affiliation in order to vote for you, aren’t there about ten Democrats for every Republican?
Nader: Something like that, I guess.
Tom: So, practically speaking, the largest impact you can realistically expect from your presidential candidacy is the election of John McCain, or possibly Mike Huckabee, to the White House, isn’t it?
Nader: Now Tom, I’ve… you… they’re always saying that!
Tom: Who?
Nader: The Democrats! They’re always blaming me when I run for President and their candidate loses! The truth is, their candidates lose for a very simple reason that has nothing to do with me!
Tom: What’s that?
Nader: They don’t get enough votes!
Tom: But what about the people who vote for you, Ralph? What do you figure they’re trying to accomplish?
Nader: I think a lot of them would rather vote for something they want and not get it, than vote for something they don’t want and get that instead.
Tom: Gosh, that’s pretty deep, Ralph. Did you make that up?
Nader: That thing about voting for something you want and not getting it instead of voting for something you don’t want and getting that instead?
Tom: Yeah.
Nader: No, I didn’t.
Tom: Who said it? I mean, who were you quoting, or perhaps I should say, were you paraphrasing someone just then?
Nader: Ah, uh… it was… Robert LaFollette.
Tom: Really? Robert LaFollette, the great Populist hero? He said that? Are you sure?
Nader: Okay, maybe not him. Er… let me think here… Mother Jones?
Tom: You really think so?
Nader: No, no, I guess not. Eugene V. Debs?
Tom: Yeah, that sounds about right. But do you want to go around quoting a Communist like Eugene V. Debs?
Nader: Eugene V. Debs was not a Communist. He was a Socialist.
Tom: And the average American voter knows the difference?
Nader: If they don’t, that’s not my problem.
Tom: Okay, I can see that – how could anyone blame you? Sure. Ah, who was it that said “Vote early and often?”
Nader: Mayor Richard Daley?
Tom: I’m not sure. Who said “I never vote for anyone, I always vote against?”
Nader: Oh, oh… wait, wait, don’t tell me… I know… it was W.C. Fields!
Tom: “And give the man a big cigar!” Oh, that’s right – you have a smoke free office.
Nader: Nice W.C. Fields imitation on your part, though.
Tom: Ever think maybe a lot of your supporters might be W.C. Fields fans?
Nader: Well, he is pretty funny, except for the sexist parts, of course.
Tom: Hey, he was a product of his time, after all.
Nader: Aren’t we all?
Tom: Truer words were never spoken. So who said “Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike the least?”
Nader: That one I know. It was Robert Byrne, the chess grandmaster.
Tom: Looks like you have the chess grandmaster vote all tied up, then. But what about Joe and Jane Sixpack? Who was it that said “The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter?”
Nader: Winston Churchill.
Tom: Yeah – and what did he know, huh?
Nader: How to run against people who were a worse choice than him, that’s what he knew! Look Tom, when you go in that booth on election day, you’ve got to vote for somebody. It’s a shame, but it’s got to be done.
Tom: Oh, I like that one! Yours?
Nader: No, Whoopi Goldberg said that. You want to hear a good one that I like? Try this on for size: “The ignorance of one voter in a democracy impairs the security of all.”
Tom: Lincoln?
Nader: Close, but no cigar for you. It was John F. Kennedy.
Tom: Uh-huh. Didn’t Kennedy also say “Don’t buy a single vote more than necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide?”
Nader: No, that’s something his father Joseph said.
Tom: And you met John Kennedy?
Nader: Yeah.
Tom: And you knew John Kennedy?
Nader: I did.
Tom: So, in your own opinion – are you no John Kennedy?
Nader: I’m certainly not, and I never said anything different, either.
Tom: True, and no matter what happens, you do have one big thing working in your favor, Ralph – you don’t stand there at the podium and promise everyone everything they think they want.
Nader: And I never will.
Tom: And that’s a very powerful strategy for the people who vote for the candidate who promises the least, figuring that candidate will turn out to be the least disappointing.
Nader: You bet, Tom, and you’d be surprised how big a voting block people like that can be. But why does what you just said sound so familiar?
Tom: Most likely because Bernard Baruch said it.
Nader: It’s very insightful. But I don’t think I should use it in a speech.
Tom: Probably not.
Nader: No, I think, for speeches this time, I need to go after the “three hatted politicians.”
Tom: Politicians with three hats?
Nader: Yeah – “One for throwing into the ring, one for talking through, and one for pulling rabbits out of when elected.” That’s Carl Sandburg, there, Tom. He knew a thing or two about political promises.
Tom: Quite incisive. You could also quote John Q. Adams, who said “Always vote for principle; though you may vote alone, your vote is never lost.”
Nader: Nice! Hold on while I write that one down.
Tom: So, do you agree that the vote is the major instrument of a free person’s power to make a fool of themselves and a wreck of their country?
Nader: Well, sure, just consider at what they’ve done! Look at our reprehensible jobless rate, the looming recession, the soaring price of oil, our dismal balance of trade deficit, the ballooning national debt, the unending war in Iraq, the unrelenting parade of shameful regulatory scandals, the unforgivable state of health care coverage that makes us a unique example of callous barbarity among advanced industrialized nations…
Tom: But Ralph, aren’t those all because George W. Bush won the election in 2000 when you ran on the Green Party ticket against him and Al Gore?
Nader: Damn it, who said that? That thing about voters making fools of themselves and wrecking the country?
Tom: I think it was Ambrose Bierce.
Nader: Well! There you have it, then. The man was a pure cynic, through and through, and cynicism is what’s wrong with this country, so there’s no way a cynic could be right about anything!
Tom: Indisputable logic, that. Going for any celebrity endorsements this time, by the way?
Nader: I’ve never been interested in those. I agree with Alice Cooper – if a voter is listening to a rock star in order to get their information on who to vote for, then they’re bigger morons than the people running for public office.
Tom: Maybe so, but aren’t those cretins following celebrity endorsements still capable of voting for McCain or Huckabee?
Nader: Well, if they do, that won’t be my fault.
Tom: So, your position is that this country has been strip-mined by rich and powerful interests, and if you don’t like what they’re doing, don’t just sit there, vote them out.
Nader: Exactly. That’s impressive, Tom, maybe I could use it. Who said that?
Tom: You did. So what about it, Ralph? Is it true that the greatest attribute of democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something idiotic, if that’s really what they want to do?
Nader: Absolutely! And that’s precisely what I’m out to prove!
Tom: Because you know that, without you, this election is going to be nothing more than an advance auction of stolen goods.
Nader: Right!
Tom: But that’s Bierce, Ralph.
Nader: Huh?
Tom: It was Ambrose Bierce who said “An election is nothing more than the advanced auction of stolen goods.”
Nader: No, wait a minute, now… no, what I meant was… okay, it’s like this – as you said, this election, without me in it, that would be exactly what Bierce described. But since I’m running, the voters have an alternative where they don’t get sold down the river by a bunch of heartless politicians who are bigger cynics than Ambrose Bierce ever was!
Tom: But, really, Ralph, shouldn’t you at least consider what happened in 2000? Didn’t Santayana say that those who fail to learn from history are condemned to repeat it? You, of all people, don’t want to end up being viewed like that over the perspective of the coming centuries, do you? If you run, don’t you risk going against the concept of democracy as a government that substitutes election by the incompetent and benighted many for appointment by the corrupt and amoral few? Isn’t that what happened when the Supreme Court made George W. Bush President? And it was you, was it not, who substituted appointment by the few – the Supreme Court – for election by the many, which is to say, the voters of the United States?
Nader: Hold your horses there, Tom – are you saying that the United States Supreme Court is corrupt and amoral?
Tom: It isn’t?
Nader: Ah… um, yeah, sure, of course it is. But if Al Gore had only won his home state of Tennessee, he would have carried the electoral college, no matter how many hanging chads there were in Dade County, or how many old yentas in Miami Beach voted for Pat Buchanan by mistake because they were too senile to understand a butterfly ballot. Now, what about the other half of that statement you made? Are you saying that the American voters are just a mob of ignorant morons?
Tom: Oh, no, I didn’t say that, Ralph, George Bernard Shaw did.
Nader: Him? He was nothing but a spoiled elitist! Are you familiar with his quotations on women’s suffrage?
Tom: Honestly now, Ralph, you don’t think he meant those seriously, do you?
Nader: He didn’t?
Tom: I rather doubt that. And the business about election by the incompetent is obvious satirical hyperbole, don’t you agree?
Nader: Aw, shucks, yeah, most likely it is.
Tom: Besides, there’s a kernel of truth in it, or it wouldn’t be such a memorable statement. After all, you and I both know enough statistics to realize that, by definition, half the population has below average intelligence.
Nader: Granted, Tom – mathematics is mathematics – you can’t argue with a Gaussian normal distribution any more than you can argue with the Pythagorean Theorem.
Tom: Indubitably. And wasn’t it Gore Vidal who observed that less than half of America reads newspapers and that less than half of America votes?
Nader: I don’t recall.
Tom: Well, he did. Sound about right to you?
Nader: Now that you mention it, yeah, it does. But, how… that is… woah, man, oh Manischewitz, what a thought… what if the half that doesn’t read newspapers isn’t the half that doesn’t vote?
Tom: Then we’re screwed.
Nader: That’s it! It’s all so clear now. That’s the reason we’re screwed, right there!
Tom: But your candidacy, this time, it’s going to fix that?
Nader: Ah, sure… it’s… ah, no, wait… Hmm. I just realized something… profound, I guess that’s what I’d say… yes, something profound. That thing you just described, you know, what Gore Vidal said… that’s a basic systemic cultural problem. I can’t change it – no President of the United States could change it, no elected official of any kind, anywhere, could change it.
Tom: Then tell me, Ralph, do you have a sincere belief in international cooperation and a successful United Nations, coupled with a policy of rational nuclear non-proliferation?
Nader: Sure. Who doesn’t these days?
Tom: Ah, let’s not get into that right now. Do you have a deeply held conviction that capitalism can be made into a fair and just system which is superior to any other alternative?
Nader: Well, as far as that goes, I’d say yes; certainly, with some minor qualifications.
Tom: How about your faith in the United States? And by that, I mean not only as the best hope for the world, but also as a nation which has not yet reached its full potential?
Nader: With me in the White House, there would be practically no limits to what could be done. This country would be transformed from an international pariah into a positive example for all the world!
Tom: And I’m sure you agree that responsible organized labor is an essential element in a successful American economy?
Nader: I’ve spent my whole life protecting the American Worker. How could I possibly disagree with that?
Tom: And I know we both share a fervent hope that liberal principals will transform American politics, right?
Nader: You’re darn tootin’ my dear friend Tom!
Tom: Ralph, have you ever heard of Harold Stassen?
Nader: Of course I’ve heard of Harold Stassen. Oh, I get it – you think I don’t know what Stassen’s Legendary Platform Points were, all nine times he ran for President!
Tom: Oh, shoot! Golly-gee willikers, Ralph, I guess you really got me that time!
Nader: Oh, come on, Tom, you’re not talking to Dan Quayle here, you know!
Tom: Okay, then spell “tomato.”
Nader: T-O-M-A-T-O.
Tom: Well, I guess that proves you’re qualified to be Vice President at the very least.
Nader: Overqualified, you mean. No way I’d take that lousy job.
Tom: Oh, of course not! I was just kidding. But about Harold Stassen – what do you suppose everybody thought of him when he ran for President the ninth time?
Nader: Aw, heck, Tom, get real, will ya? Anybody can tell that running for President nine times is absolutely ridiculous, not to mention asinine and obviously pathological! There’s just no doubt about it, you’d have to really start wondering about a guy who…
Tom: But not five times?
Nader: Me? You talking about me? Get lost! No way it’s been five times!
Tom: Oh yes, it has.
Nader: Lay off, nut cake! You’re pulling my leg!
Tom: Ralphie my boy, I sincerely wish I was, but no dice. Here are the facts: in 1992, you ran as a write-in candidate in both the New Hampshire Republican and Democratic primaries. In 1996 and 2000, you were the Green Party presidential nominee. In 2004, you ran as an independent endorsed by the Reform Party, and now, in 2008, with five tries, you’ve tied Eugene V. Debs. As of today, in the entire history of the United States of America, besides Harold Stassen, only Lyndon LaRouche has run for President more times than you.
Nader: What! That can’t be right! Hold it – Tophet and damnation, what’s that? Tom – do you hear something on the line?
Tom: Like interference you mean? Static?
Nader: No, no… sort of like… music, maybe?
Tom: Nothing on this end, Ralph.
Nader: You sure? Sounds like… kind of a cross between one of those synthesizer things and a child’s voice. It’s going “pah’tee-ah, pah’tee-ah, pah’tee-ah, tink-tank, tink-tank, nuh’wow, nuh’wow, nuh’wow…”
Tom: Oh, that. Yeah, sure I hear it. A child’s voice, you say?
Nader: Yeah. Mine, maybe. It sort of sounds like mine…
Tom: Ralph, can I ask you a personal question?
Nader: Okay.
Tom: Do you feel like your Mommy and Daddy gave you enough affection when you were young?
Nader: They tried… I know that… oh, God, how they tried…
Tom: Ralph, be straight with me now. Is it possible – just possible – that all this running for President is just an attention-getting device to compensate for your childhood feelings of anomie, loneliness and rejection?
Nader: Oh, well, yeah, no doubt about it, Tom. I’m absolutely sure it is.
Tom: You are?
Nader: Oh, yes, indeed. Back during my 1996 campaign, somebody slipped about a gram of mescaline sulfate into some herbal tea I was drinking and during the next eight hours, I figured all that stuff out; and I must admit, when I finally experienced that realization, it did bother me. But then, in this blinding flash of revelation, I saw that all the other people running for public office, everywhere, were at least as messed up, psychologically, you know, as me, and my subconscious urges and suppressed childhood traumas didn’t make any more difference, in the grand, universal scheme of things, than theirs. Hey, wait a minute, here! You know, I feel like… nah… it couldn’t be. Anyway, I came to terms with my infantile motivations for seeking the Presidency a long time ago. So, be that as it may, can I count on your support in my upcoming campaign?
Tom: Think nothing of it, Ralph.
Nader: Fine, just fine, absolutely hunky-dory!
Tom: It will be a pleasure.
Nader: Okey-dokey, then, and thanks again for calling, Tom.
Tom: You’re most welcome, Ralph. ‘Bye.
Around six o’clock, just as I was preparing to leave, Jason dropped by my office for a debriefing. When he asked how it went, I told him I had decided to send Ralph’s campaign a contribution.
“How much?” Jason demanded, a tad indignant, it seemed.
“The same amount as I send the other two,” I flatly informed him.
“How could you do that?” Jason’s face fell as whined at me, “Why couldn’t you talk him out of running?”
“Because,” I explained, “Ralph Nader is a man who is completely aware of the neurotic forces driving his tortured soul, totally convinced of the righteousness of his personal cause, utterly determined to achieve his Quixotic goals and absolutely indifferent to the consequences of his actions. It follows that nothing anyone on Earth could do would ever deter him from yet another charge up the latest hill of his deluded inclination at any illusory windmill of his choice.”
Jason sank into my leather couch and gazed mournfully out the window at the White House. “McCain,” he whispered ruefully. “What happened to Nader? He used to be one of America’s most beloved heroes. He championed the little guy against the big companies that bully the public; he spoke out for the environment and the greater good. What changed? What has made him so pathetically, tragically, and obliviously messed up?”
“What you have to realize, Jason, as I am sure you eventually will, is that some people can be veritable saints and still retain an undiminished capacity, when their inner demons drive them hard enough, to behave like a capering, howling, feces-hurling jackanapes.”
“And Ralph Nader’s one of those?” Jason sadly sighed.
“You bet,” I assured him, “Ralph Nader’s a natural, and what’s more, he’s been one ever since he popped out, slapped the doctor, sued him for malpractice and filed two dozen health and safety complaints about the hospital delivery room.”
I silently observed Jason as he watched his dream of an Obama presidency evaporate in the Washington winter air outside my office window. At last, he implored, “What can Paisley and I do?”
“Get over it,” I advised.
“’Get over it,’” Jason mused, disconsolate, as he contemplated the dying gray overcast inexorably enveloping the marble monuments of our great Republic. “Who said that?”
“Hell’s bells, my boy,” I dryly responded, “who didn’t?”