Bobby Jindal had to call my office four times today before he finally caught me during a period when I wasn’t with a client. “So who’s this Bobby Jindal guy?” Gretchen asked during a lull in the action shortly after his third attempt.
“He’s the governor of Louisiana,” I informed her, “and a very prominent rising star in the Republican Party.”
“Oh,” she sighed, “Louisiana. Republican. That explains it.”
“Explains what?” I inquired.
“Why I never heard of him,” Gretchen replied.
“Well, I would think,” I surmised, “that at least you would have heard that Jack McBrayer lampooned him on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”
“Jack McBrayer?” Gretchen shot me a mystified stare.
“Yeah, you know,” I reminded her, “he plays Kenneth the Page on 30 Rock.”
“I don’t watch a whole lot of television, Mr. Collins,” Gretchen replied, somewhat miffed. “Maybe you did when you were in your twenties, or maybe you think because I’m in the 30 Rock demographic, that I’d watch it, but frankly, I go out drinking, dancing and partying practically every night of the week, and let me tell you, it’s way better than television.”
“No offense intended,” I apologized. “My point was that Jindal’s gotten more media attention since last Tuesday than he’s gotten in his entire life up to then.”
Gretchen’s reaction demonstrated that working inside the Beltway for a couple of years is at least beginning to shape her sensibilities. “Really? How,” she earnestly asked, “did he manage that?”
“By delivering the Republican response to President Obama’s speech to a joint session of Congress last Tuesday night,” I answered.
Gretchen rolled her eyes, puffed up her cheeks and blew a disdainful, exasperated breeze up at the ceiling. “Tuesday was Mardi Gras! What a like, totally lame, dorky, wonky, dweeby thing to do – give the State of the Union Address on Mardi Gras Night!”
“Well,” I corrected, “it wasn’t, technically speaking, a State of the Union Address, but I understand what you’re saying. So you didn’t see either speech, then?”
“No way, Mr. Collins,” she proclaimed, vigorously shaking her head. “I went to eight different parties on Tuesday night!”
“Good for you,” I assured her, “because you’re absolutely right about that – it was incredibly stupid to deliver an important presidential address on the evening of Mardi Gras. And now that you mention it, I think – considering the current circumstances at home and abroad – probably the evening of Ash Wednesday would have been much, much more appropriate. But be that as it may,” I continued, “President Obama absolutely electrified America by delivering a perfectly magnificent, inspiring, intelligent and memorable speech. After which, Bobby Jindal delivered the Republican response and made a complete, utter and irredeemable fool of himself in front of the whole freaking world and everybody in it.”
“And that,” Gretchen wondered aloud, clearly nonplussed, “is how he got more media attention in the last four days than he’s gotten during the entire rest of his life?”
“Indeed it is,” I affirmed.
“And so now, everybody on Planet Earth knows Bobby Jindal is a big honkin’ awesome super-sized horse’s [expletive]?”
“Having witnessed for themselves the undeniable, incontrovertible proof positive, I’m sure they most certainly do,” I concurred.
“And that’s good?”
“Remember, Gretchen,” I chided, “as they say in Hollywood – ‘Bad publicity is better than no publicity.’ At least, now, everyone, everywhere, knows that this particular absurd, ridiculous, gibbering, incoherent, witless, ignorant, hateful conservative Republican toady and highly disappointing excuse for a human being exists – which is more than you can say for a lot of absurd, ridiculous, gibbering, incoherent, witless, ignorant, hateful conservative Republican toadies and highly disappointing excuses for…”
Just then, the telephone rang. I answered it.
Jindal: Hello, Gretchen, this is Bobby Jindal again! Is Mr. Tom Collins available now?
Tom: This is he, Governor. How can I help you?
Jindal: Tom, I’ve been trying to get hold of you all day.
Tom: Sorry about that. I’m booked up pretty solid lately. It seems everybody new in town wants advice about something or another.
Jindal: You mean, you work for Democrats?
Tom: Governor, I consult with anyone who can pay my fee.
Jindal: You charge?
Tom: Of course I charge.
Jindal: Well, yeah, ordinarily, I’m sure. But famous people? You charge famous people money, too?
Tom: Ah, are you saying that you’re… short of pocket change at the moment, Governor?
Jindal: I’m saying that I’m calling you from a room where I’m sitting all by myself without even a wallet.
Tom: My goodness, how in the world did that happen, Governor?
Jindal: I don’t know… There was supposed to be some kind of big Republican strategy meeting here…
Tom: And where’s that?
Jindal: I can’t tell you – it’s a secret meeting. I’m supposed to be on vacation with my family at Disney World.
Tom: And you’re not there?
Jindal: I can neither confirm nor deny being at Disney World.
Tom: Oh. All right. So what happened?
Jindal: Well, basically, I arrived here at the appointed time and the room was empty.
Tom: You arrived without your wallet?
Jindal: I haven’t carried my wallet or my checkbook with me since I became Governor. My aides take care of all that money stuff.
Tom: So can you ask one of them to give me a credit card number, or write a check to mail to my office?
Jindal: My aides excused themselves to check out a… I don’t know… it sounded like they said “bomb threat” but it might have been “thong pet” or a “bong set” or something else, I don’t know. Anyway, I’m here all by myself, and I’ve been here for hours, too.
Tom: Why don’t you leave?
Jindal: Because I’m locked in.
Tom: I see. Sounds like the Republicans are taking your performance last Tuesday pretty seriously.
Jindal: I guess so, Tom.
Tom: At least they left the telephone in that room you’re in operational.
Jindal: As a matter of fact, they didn’t. I’m calling you on my cell phone. They tried to trick me out of that, too. Said they could get it plugged into an instant charging unit and have it back in five minutes, but since my batteries were already completely topped off, I told them I didn’t need it. Then they started talking about sweeping it for Democrat cell phone viruses, and I told them that could wait – I just wouldn’t use my cell phone during the meeting. They kept saying that the Democrats might be able to hear what’s going on in the meeting anyway, so I said I’d wrap my cell phone up in my suit jacket before we started talking about anything sensitive. At that point, they gave up.
Tom: I’m sure they’ll let you out of there eventually, Governor.
Jindal: Oh, yeah, and say it was all some kind of “mistake,” too, I bet!
Tom: Well, Governor, I’m sure you know the three best lies in Washington.
Jindal: The what?
Tom: The three best lies in Washington.
Jindal: No, I’m afraid I don’t.
Tom: Oh, okay. The three best lies in Washington are: #1) “A computer error somewhere else caused the problem;” #2) “I’m from the federal government and I’m here to help you;” and, #3) “Mistakes were made.”
Jindal: I’ll try to remember those – they sound like they might come in handy when I’m elected President.
Tom: Uh, yeah, I’m sure they will.
Jindal: Did you hear my speech on Tuesday?
Tom: Yes, sir, I did.
Jindal: I’ll tell you something, Tom, I just simply don’t get what all this ruckus is about.
Tom: Well, as I recall, Governor, you said, “Who amongst us would ask our children for a loan so we could spend money we do not have on things we do not need?”
Jindal: Yeah, I did.
Tom: Okay, for starters, that’s exactly what Ronald Reagan and both Bush administrations did to finance things like the Strategic Defense Initiative, sending Stinger missiles to Osama bin Laden to shoot down Soviet helicopters in Afghanistan, providing huge tax cuts to billionaires, and invading Iraq – twice.
Jindal: So?
Tom: So perhaps accusing the Democrats of burdening our grandchildren with deficit spending isn’t the best talking point for the Republicans right now.
Jindal: I don’t get it. Why not?
Tom: Because it could, conceivably, be interpreted as – not to put too fine a point on it – rudely presented and inexcusably cynical hypocrisy.
Jindal: But the public expects rudely presented and inexcusably cynical hypocrisy from the Republican Party! It’s the major marketing aspect of our brand!
Tom: I’ll readily concede that it used to be, Governor, but times have changed.
Jindal: They have? How?
Tom: Well, mostly, and primarily due to Republican-backed policies of the last thirty years, the world economy in general and the US economy in particular are imploding at rates not seen since the Great Depression.
Jindal: All the more reason to encourage people to save money, then!
Tom: I hate to break this to you, Governor, but that’s exactly what the Hoover Administration told everybody to do back in 1930.
Jindal: Right! And Republican policies saved America!
Tom: Actually, Republican policies made the Depression even worse.
Jindal: But that can’t be true! Republicans are the good guys! We stand for lower taxes!
Tom: Lower taxes on the rich, maybe.
Jindal: Of course we favor lower taxes on the rich! They’re the ones with the most money!
Tom: Sure. Then you said: “All of us remember what it felt like to pay $4 at the pump. And unless we act now, those prices will return. To stop that from happening, we need to increase conservation, increase energy efficiency, increase the use of alternative and renewable fuels, increase our use of nuclear power, and increase drilling for oil and gas here at home. We believe that Americans can do anything. And if we unleash the innovative spirit of our citizens, we can achieve energy independence.” Then you said, “We believe Americans can do anything. And if we put aside partisan politics and work together, we can make our system of private medicine affordable and accessible for every one of our citizens.” And then, you said, “To strengthen our economy, we also need to make sure that every child in America gets the best possible education.” And then you followed it up with “America’s fighting men and women can do anything. If we give them the resources they need, they will stay on the offensive, defeat our enemies, and protect us from harm.” And for an encore, you said, “We oppose the national Democratic view that says the way to strengthen our country is to increase dependence on government.” For your grand finale you said, “The American spirit has triumphed over almost every form of adversity known to man, and the American spirit will triumph again;” and “We can have confidence in our future because, amid all of today’s challenges, we also count many blessings. We have the most innovative citizens, the most abundant resources, the most resilient economy, the most powerful military, and the freest political system in the history of the world. My fellow citizens, never forget: We are Americans. And like my dad said years ago, Americans can do anything.”
Jindal: Yeah, I said all that. What’s wrong it?
Tom: Governor, those are nothing but tired, meaningless platitudes, completely devoid of originality, which offer no new or innovative solutions to our numerous current conundrums.
Jindal: I’ll have you know, Tom, that I got those tired, meaningless platitudes from some of the best Republican minds in this country! They’ve always managed to hypnotize the public effectively before, haven’t they?
Tom: Yes, but you failed to realize that they only work on people who are already stupefied by xenophobia, racial animosity, mistrust of collective social action and unreasoning consumer greed. That was then, Governor, and this is now! When people are paralyzed by fear of losing their jobs, their savings and their homes, then those tried-and-true old Reagan Republican platitudes simply can’t cut the mustard.
Jindal: They can’t?
Tom: I’m afraid not. You guys are going to have to develop a whole new lexicon of meaningless platitudes to hypnotize and stupefy the public.
Jindal: Such as what?
Tom: Tell Michael Steele I would be delighted to prepare a white paper on that at my usual rates.
Jindal: Hmph! That’s not very helpful.
Tom: And you’re not paying very much for this consultation so far, either, Governor.
Jindal: What, you won’t take an IOU over the phone?
Tom: Not from a Republican, I’m afraid, not anymore – it’s cash up front with you guys, ever since McCain stiffed me.
Jindal: But I’m not John McCain!
Tom: I sure wouldn’t know it from listening to that speech, Governor. Unless I were to count the parts that made you sound like Ronald Reagan, repeating urban legends as if they were facts and claiming that the Democrats are responsible for them. Your story about the Democrats funding a magnetic levitation rail line from Las Vegas to Disneyland was right up there with Reagan’s fairytales about his famous fictional welfare queen that Democratic social programs supposedly created.
Jindal: Hey, now wait a minute there, Tom! Everybody knows the Democrats want to build a mag-lev train from Las Vegas to Disneyland! I must have heard about that a hundred times!
Tom: Where?
Jindal: Oh, you know, Republican cocktail parties, Republican fund raiser dinner speakers, Rush Limbaugh… Hell, Tom, Haley Barbour told me the Democrats want to spend eight billion dollars on it! If you can’t believe him, who can you believe?
Tom: Good question, Governor. Then there was that jab you took at wasteful federal spending, where you said “… and then there’s a hundred and forty million dollars for something called ‘volcano monitoring.’ Instead of monitoring volcanos, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington DC.”
Jindal: Ah, sure, you know – I was making fun of government science projects and suggesting that the scientists study Congress instead. That’s always worked before, hasn’t it?
Tom: Actually, Governor, I’m not so sure that ridiculing volcano monitoring would have worked, even for Ronald Reagan at the greatest height of his popularity. Sure, volcano monitoring is federally-sponsored government science, but you failed to realize that you can’t just pick out any federally-funded science project and ridicule it.
Jindal: You can’t?
Tom: No, Governor, and I’ll tell you why. To function successfully as a subject for public ridicule, a federally-funded science project has to have a title that involves stuff that sounds silly. That was the fatal flaw in your choice, Governor – “volcano” doesn’t sound silly, it sounds scary, really scary. Take Bill Proxmire, for example…
Jindal: Who?
Tom: He was a United States Senator, from Wisconsin. When he wanted to ridicule federally-funded science, he found research projects with appropriately silly subject matter, like a Department of Transportation study of why children fall off tricycles, or a Department of Justice study on why people want to get out of prison, or an FAA study of airline stewardess measurements, or an NIH study of what goes on in Peruvian brothels, and used those in his speeches. You want a scientific study that will make them laugh and agree with you instead of howl and hate your guts? Proxmire knew how to do it right! He’d stand up on the floor of Congress and declare that the NSF just spent a million dollars on a research project which produced a scientific journal article titled “Cocaine, Methedrine and Delta-9-Tetrahydrocannabinol Excited Reactions of the Humboldt Squid Giant Axon.” Now that’s some silly sounding federally-funded scientific research, Governor, and if you were going to go down that road in your speech, you should have selected something along those lines, not volcano monitoring!
Jindal: I still don’t see much difference between squids and volcanoes, if you ask me. But if that’s how things are in Washington, what can I do?
Tom: That’s probably not the most productive way to look at it, Governor.
Jindal: I shouldn’t be productive. Republicans believe that “The government which governs least, governs best.” So the less productive I am, the better everything will be for the people of Louisiana.
Tom: I certainly hope they all come to comprehensively understand your philosophy in its totality very soon, Governor. How about that story you told, where you stood up to the federal authorities with a parish sheriff at your side?
Jindal: Gee, Tom, did you like that?
Tom: I might have if it had been true.
Jindal: Since when do stories like that have to be true? I don’t recall any of Reagan’s being true. I don’t recall any of the ones either Bush told being true, either. So I figured, if I follow their examples, all I really need is a convincing and plausible story line, like a good action movie.
Tom: Governor, your mother and father are Hindus, aren’t they?
Jindal: Yes, they are.
Tom: But you converted to Catholicism in high school, didn’t you?
Jindal: Yeah.
Tom: And your first name is really “Piyush,” isn’t it?
Jindal: Technically speaking, that is correct.
Tom: And you chose your current first name “Bobby” after Bobby Brady in The Brady Bunch?
Jindal: Damn right I did! Who wants to go around listening to dirty puns on “Piyush” all the time?
Tom: How’s your Hindi?
Jindal: Don’t speak it much.
Tom: And you’re the “Indian Guy” at Republican functions, aren’t you?
Jindal: Yeah, of course – they need me, an “Asian Guy,” a “Black Guy” and one “Minority Woman” at every photo opportunity.
Tom: Do you buy your clothes where wealthy, white Republicans shop?
Jindal: Absolutely. That’s how you get ahead in this country, you know. Clothes make the man.
Tom: So – do you wish you were a wealthy, white Republican?
Jindal: I am white! Indians are white, just like the Jews! I’ve got plenty of money, too, and last time I checked, I was the Republican Governor of Louisiana!
Tom: Do you know what an “ABCD” is?
Jindal: An American-born Confused Desi?
Tom: Yeah. You think that phenomenon might explain what happened Tuesday night?
Jindal: Are you calling me an ABCD?
Tom: I know it’s hard, but facing that is the only way you can redeem yourself, Governor.
Jindal: Me? An American-born Confused Desi? You can’t be serious!
Tom: Alas, Governor, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. You’re a Rhodes Scholar, aren’t you?
Jindal: Yes, I am. New College, Oxford, England.
Tom: And what is your opinion of Cecil Rhodes?
Jindal: I… he… uh… Cecil Rhodes was… a great man.
Tom: Cecil Rhodes, the rabid imperialist?
Jindal: Ah… er…
Tom: Cecil Rhodes, the incorrigible colonialist?
Jindal: It was more complicated than that… I mean, he…
Tom: The man whose last will and testament proclaimed English Anglo-Saxon whites “the finest race in the world?”
Jindal: [Expletive]! I could have been a doctor, you know! I got accepted at Harvard Medical School! Harvard, God-damn it! Harvard!
Tom: You, Piyush Jindal, actually believe that Cecil John Rhodes was a great…
Jindal: Here’s the story / Of a lovely lady / Who was bringing up three very lovely girls…
Tom: Governor?
Jindal: All of them had hair of gold / Like their mother / The youngest one in curls. / Here’s the story / Of a man named Brady / Who was busy with three boys of his own. / They were four men, / Living all together…
Tom: Excuse me?
Jindal: … but they were all alone. / Till the one day when the lady met this fellow, and they knew there was much more than a hunch. / That this group, / Must somehow form a family…
Tom: Governor!
Jindal: …That’s the way we all became the Brady Bunch,
The Brady Bunch – the Brady Bunch! / That’s the way – we became the Brady Bunch! Who? Why, nobody! Just some consultant up there in Washington, that’s all… Hey! Wait a minute!
Tom: Hello? Hello?
Jindal: I gotta go, Tom, it looks like that meeting’s finally starting.
Tom: Oh, all right, sure. ‘Bye Bobby.
Jindal: Goodbye… Hey, let go of me, will you? Ow… ow! Newt! What the [expletive] are you doing? Cut that out! Tom! Call somebody! They’re pantsing me! Help! They’re giving me a wet Willie, Tom! Oh, God, do something, please! No, no, not a pinkbelly, please, no, not there, oh my God, no… [unintelligible][disconnected].