Driving home on the George Washington Parkway last Thursday evening, my Blackberry let me know someone was texting me. A quick glance revealed that it was Stanley McChrystal. Since the Department of Defense is one of my best customers, and McChrystal is, after all, a four-star general, I figured it behooved me to be as pro-active as possible. Fortunately, there was an overlook entrance just up the road and I was able to park and respond in less than thirty seconds.
SM: .X:u7=(*!k6#$~;2a,{&%b@3^`+9/>?\]|5
TC: *Only* SSL 2048 encryption PLS.
SM: Oops. SAT. ATO ATM w/ Panasonic Toughbook.
TC: NP. G2CU. WCID4U?
SM: BF & SO say contact Tom Collins.
TC: About losing UR job yesterday?
SM: FWN
TC: IFYP
SM: Totally unfair, AAF.
TC: SAT
SM: ME2
TC: T+ ICBW
SM: On my 3rd Bud Lite Lime.
TC: BIBO
SM: True. They say U RLY *like* French food.
TC: Yeah.
SM: I H8 it. Meat & potatoes 4 me!
TC: No frog legs?
SM: NW, totally gay!
TC: Wouldn’t eat them?
SM: I’d rather have U kick my a** all over the Mall – not that U could do it ; -)
TC: ROFLMAO
SM: GWHTC. Thought UD be 2 Gucci, but it looks like UR OK.
TC: THX
SM: Really bummed about losing job.
TC: YWSYLS
SM: Don’t get it. That’s Y I’m texting.
TC: Y not call?
SM: L8tly text seems 2 work better.
TC: Interesting. How come U & Obama don’t get along? U voted 4 him, didn’t U?
SM: Yeah. Only because I couldn’t stand the idea of dealing w/ Sarah Palin 4 8 yrs.
TC: But sources close 2 U say U said during UR 1st meeting, Obama looked “uncom4table & intimid8d.”
SM: There was this bull dyke captain from the Pentagon press office. I said “*He* sure looks mighty uncom4table & intimid8d” because she *looked like* a *man*. Should have known something was screwy when nobody laughed.
TC: SOWU told Rolling Stone Obama didn’t know anything about U, said “Here’s the guy who’s going to run his ****ing war, but he didn’t seem very engaged.”
SM: IIRC, my staff said that, not me. I didn’t hear a thing from Obama about strategy. He just mumbled stuff. Afterward, I said I was *disappointed*. Weenies on my staff R always punching up my quotes so we sound tough.
TC: IKWUM – not uncommon in MIL. But U *did* have big problem w/ Admin’s counter-insurgency strategy?
SM: NT RLY. Reps always wanted to talk about other issues & mostly didn’t make sense. What am I supposed to think when CIA wants to step up “clone attacks?” DoD *has* no clones. Bet CIA is bluffing when they say *they* do!
TC: Sounds a bit odd.
SM: & BION, Richard Holbrooke told me he wants us to negoti8 w/ the Bogeyman! What R they smoking in Foggy Bottom?
TC: What about when U got that e-mail from Holbrooke & one of UR aides said “Make sure U don’t get any of that on UR leg?”
SM: COMN! *NOW* I’m supposed to be responsible 4 what *other* people say? UKTNR!
TC: GD point. But what about UR policy review, where U said if US didn’t send another 40,000 troops, there was going to be a massive mission failure?
SM: Long story.
TC: TYT
SM: OK. A colonel wrote it. Asked me about Karbala & the surge in Iraq. I said “That’s a no-brainer – 40,000 troops versus massive mission failure.” Next day, I sign off on it.
TC: U DR it?
SM: I was NATO ISAF SUPCOM. No time to read what I sign.
TC: OK, not unusual.
SM: YR. So day after *that* the Wash Post site says I want 40,000 troops in *Kabul* or else there will be a *massive mission failure* in *A-stan*! WTF?
TC: FUBAR.
SM: ICAM.
TC: So U did *not” call the Marja offensive a “bleeding ulcer?”
SM: NFW! JSO asked me about this *major* who had to ship back st8side, & all I said was, “The one w/ the bleeding ulcer?” *That’s* all *I* said!
TC: But how about when U said “It’s not going to look like a win, smell like a win or taste like a win?”
SM: Talking 2 Bill Mayville OPS CMDR, about Strasburg & I think, 1 guy can’t save the Nationals, & said, “Their season’s not going to look like, smell like or taste like a win.” Sports! BFD!
TC: But isn’t true that UR staff is called “Team America?”
SM: I said I *felt* like *Captain America* a couple of times. That’s it!
TC: Didn’t call Gen. Jim Jones “a clown who’s stuck in 1985?”
SM: IHNI where U got that!
TC: 1 of UR staff quoted U.
SM: AFAIK, must have been when I said my Blackberry rocks & mobile *phones* w/out Internet/TM/email/IM R 4 *clowns stuck in 1985*.
TC: So U did *not* say McCain & Kerry “R not very helpful?”
SM: SOB from RS asked me about Tom & Jerry.
TC: *Tom & Jerry*?
SM: TR – Tom & Jerry. CUBIT? Y should he care about what I think of classic cartoons? So I told him “that’s not very helpful.”
TC: & what about Joe Biden?
SM: DIIK. SOB from RS was ITR & it sounded like CIO said “Bite me.” So I said “Bite me? Huh?”
TC: ?4U x 5
SM: Ask.
TC: President Obama sounded like he was mumbling?
SM: Like mouth full of grits.
TC: And texting works better than the phone?
SM: Much.
TC: The Army is a noisy business, right?
SM: Sure. Choppers, guns, explosions. Lots of yelling.
TC: When was the last time U had UR hearing checked?
SM: Don’t remember.
TC: UR staff?
SM: 404
TC: General, I think this whole affair could have been a series of tragic misunderstandings.
SM: NFS?
TC: ISUN
SM: FR?
TC: Yep.
SM: UG2BKM!
TC: Nope.
SM: JC! =:>0 IBF!
TC: UKTR
SM: G2G
TC: YIU 86!