I was about to leave work for the day when my private secretary stopped me just before I made it to the door.
“Do you know somebody named Steinstien?” Gretchen inquired, her hand over the receiver mouthpiece.
“A couple of people, actually,” I confessed. “Did this one by any chance mention Joe Biden?”
“Yeah,” she nodded vigorously, “he says he works for Vice President Biden, and he sounds pretty anxious.”
“Oh well,” I sighed, trudging back to my office, “in that case, put him through on Line One.”
Steinstien: Hello? Tom?
Tom: Hi. Yes, it’s me. Where are you?
Steinstien: I can’t really say, exactly. Security, you know. But I what I can tell you is, Joe Biden was, uh, recently in Pakistan.
Tom: As recently as this morning, I believe. How’d that go?
Steinstien: On the surface, it was… more or less acceptable, I guess.
Tom: But not… otherwise?
Steinstien: Definitely not.
Tom: What makes you say that?
Steinstien: Well, for instance, when we met with General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani, our press release said the meeting was “very positive and constructive,” but what we didn’t say was that somebody put a whoopie cushion under Biden’s chair seat.
Tom: Do tell?
Steinstien: I kid you not. And earlier, just before the press conference Joe gave with Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gilani, we were all standing around in this anteroom, and suddenly, there’s this “pop-pop-pop” and Biden hits the floor with three secret service agents on top of him. Turns out a couple of Pakistani MPs who arrived with Gilani had pulled out paper bags, blown them up full of air and smashed them. They laughed their heads off, but – now don’t tell anybody about this, okay? Biden had to change his underwear.
Tom: Unbelievable!
Steinstien: Outrageous is what I call it. Then there was the Veep’s meeting with President Asif Ali Zardari. When Biden shook his hand, Zardari had a buzzer hidden in his palm. When it went off, Biden jumped about three feet straight up in the air.
Tom: I had no idea the Pakistani sense of humor could be so mischievous!
Steinstien: Then there was this – confidential meeting with, ahem – General Ahmad Shuja Pasha, the head of the ISI, where Joe was expecting them to address the issue of Pakistani warlords in Waziristan harboring Afghan Taliban and al-Qaida elements using innocent members of the civilian population as human shields.
Tom: Well, did they?
Steinstien: Not until after Pasha showed Biden what he said was the most prized member of his orchid collection; and when Biden leaned over to smell it, he got a face full of seltzer water.
Tom: Oh, my goodness gracious! What a zany bunch of practical jokers comprise the Pakistani government! But do you suppose there was some sort of… message involved?
Steinstien: That’s certainly one of the principal reasons I called you. What do you think they’re trying to tell us?
Tom: Based on what I know about them, I’d say they’re trying to tell us they are completely confident that we will give them seven and one half billion dollars to play around with, no matter what they do, because we simply have no choice whatsoever.
Steinstien: Hmm. Yeah, that might be it.
Tom: You suspect maybe there’s another message instead?
Steinstien: Could be. Any ideas?
Tom: Um… possibly, they’re trying to tell us they don’t appreciate all those drone attacks we keep making on Pakistani soil.
Steinstien: No, I don’t think so.
Tom: Why not?
Steinstien: Because they’ve actually come out and said as much plenty of times already.
Tom: True. Did you experience anything else… unusual? Something that might give us a lead? Did they drop any… hints?
Steinstien: Well, I did have one of the ISI officers come up to me after that meeting and say, “Until you Americans stop letting Israel drag you around by the nose, making you do their murderous dirty work for them everywhere they tell you to, as far as the one point six billion Moslems in this world are concerned, the United States will never be anything more than a contemptible joke.”
Tom: I really don’t understand how he could possibly say something like that. Everybody knows the vast majority of Moslems simply love the United States.
Steinstien: Why of course they do.
Tom: It’s only a teeny-tiny fringe element of crazy, radical Shi’ite fanatics and Wahabi fundamentalist Sunni lunatics who hate us.
Steinstien: Sure, it’s common knowledge.
Tom: And they hate us because we have troops stationed in Saudi Arabia; because they want to take back Spain, which King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella kicked the Moslems out of in 1492; because we let women vote and wear bikinis; because we drink alcohol; and because we believe in democracy instead of letting a bunch of religious kooks decide our morality and what our children should learn in school.
Steinstien: Right.
Tom: So where on God’s green earth did that fellow get the weird, improbable, absurd idea that America’s history of staunch support for our faithful ally Israel has the least iota of influence on what those evil, deranged theocratic terrorists think of us?
Steinstien: Gee, I don’t know, beats me, that’s for sure. Everybody knows that they hate us because they’re completely opposed to our entire way of life. It’s as simple as that. How in blue blazes could Israel possibly get into that equation?
Tom: Yeah, they want to exterminate us because we have free speech and celebrate Christmas and Kwanzaa and Hanukkah and stuff like that. I mean, really, can you imagine someone so warped and demented that they want to blow themselves up in a crowd of people simply because those folks are shopping for what these nut jobs think is the wrong holiday?
Steinstien: It’s hard to do, I’ll admit that.
Tom: So that can’t possibly be it.
Steinstien: No, of course not. The very idea that they hate us because of Israel. Oy vey! It’s totally out where the buses don’t run.
Tom: Bubbles in the think tank.
Steinstien: Sand in the gears.
Tom: Bats in the belfry.
Steinstien: Toys in the attic.
Tom: Utterly bonkers.
Steinstien: Completely meshuggeneh.
Tom: You know, a thought just occurred to me. Maybe the Pakistanis were just playing jokes on old Joe because they think he’s a fun guy.
Steinstien: Hey, yeah, I can see that.
Tom: And they want to show him that they’re fun guys, too.
Steinstien: Wow! Outstanding! Tom, that would explain everything, wouldn’t it?
Tom: Well, that is what I’m here for, isn’t it, to explain everything? That’s my job, after all.
Steinstien: And are you ever good at it! I can’t wait to tell Joe! He’s been sitting there pouting ever since we took off for… oh… right… I can’t say where. But you’ll know soon enough when it’s announced on the news later today.
Tom: Far be it from me to even attempt a guess.
Steinstien: Right. Well, as usual, your time is ridiculously expensive, Tom Collins, but every minute is worth it. Gotta go now – Joe’s waking up from his nap.
Tom: Understood. Give him my best.
Steinstien: Certainly will. ‘Bye!
Tom: Ciao, Bubbeleh!