The appointment of an extraordinary person, as Vice-President, has been objected to as superfluous, if not mischievous… It is remarkable that in this, as in most other instances, the objection which is made would lie against the constitution of this State. We have a Lieutenant-Governor, chosen by the people at large, who presides in the Senate, and is the constitutional substitute for the Governor, in casualties similar to those which would authorize the Vice-President to exercise the authorities and discharge the duties of the President. – Alexander Hamilton, Federalist Paper No. 68
“Don’t be a damned fool like I was. Tell that philandering phony son of a white-lace, Pope-kissing, bog-trotting Mick bootlegger to find himself another sucker to run with – it shouldn’t be hard, the Democratic Party is full of them! Believe me, I’ve been there, and the Vice Presidency isn’t worth a bucket of warm spit.” – John Nance “Cactus Jake” Garner to Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1960
Thanks to cell phones and email, nobody really gets a day off anymore these days. Oh, yeah, there are still some people so out of touch, they actually leave the office for two whole, uninterrupted weeks – usually returning to find that their coworkers have successfully conspired to screw them royally while they were away.
Well, in my line of business, I never have time for a two week vacation, but until lately I was still unrealistic enough to expect a Sunday off once in a while. That little fantasy has been shattered more times than I can remember – so, despite the fact that I pointedly ignored my Inbox today and that all my voice mail messages clearly indicated I wished to be left alone, my cell phone just kept on ringing and ringing and ringing, like it was John Travolta calling me from “Pulp Fiction,” resolutely determined to notify me that he was carting an overdosed bimbo over to my house right away, whether I liked it or not, and please get the adrenaline syringe out of the fridge so he can stab her in the heart with it as soon as they arrive. It was Griswald, over at the Office of the Vice President.
Griswald: Tom, I’m really sorry to have to call you at home on a Sunday; I mean, I heard the voice mail announcements requesting privacy today, but this is an emergency. I deeply and seriously apologize, but there’s no way this can wait until Monday…
Tom: All right, all right, go ahead, please. Don’t worry about it; comes with the territory. Let’s just get this resolved as quickly as possible. What’s the problem?
Griswald: The Democrats are coming to get us! They’re attacking us on all fronts! They’re out for our heads, Tom!
Tom: That’s hardly a situation which has developed since Friday night, Griswald. Cheney has been stiff-arming and back-stabbing everybody for years – Democrats and Republicans. You had to expect them to run out of patience with him eventually. Way back in 2001 he was doing end-runs around Powell and Rice, shoving stuff under Bush’s nose for his signature. Then there was him slipping orders to Baker, usurping the President. And him standing between Attorney General Ashcroft and the President so he could push the Gitmo military commissions thing through, then thumbing his nose at everybody, really, when his office leaked the news fifteen minutes after Bush signed off; and smearing Powell in the Washington Times the next day on top of that! And he’s been telling Congress to bugger off ever since the Democrats got control of it, refusing requests and demands for documents and memoranda. He’s basically said he can obey the laws that suit him and ignore the rest of them, and he’s claimed the right to spy on anybody, anywhere, any time he feels like it. Of course he’s made some enemies, behaving like that for over six years. Of course they’re all ganging up on him – face it, the man’s an evil, demented world-class ass hole. So what? We knew that Friday afternoon – it will still be true tomorrow. Is there some new and specific aspect those circumstances so urgent that you must discuss it with me right now?
Griswald: Yes! We’ve been getting pressured to comply with that National Archives Executive Order on one side and bombarded by subpoenas from Congress on the other…
Tom: Oh come on, what did you guys expect?
Griswald: It’s like a vise closing in on us, squeezing.
Tom: Look, you’re all big boys and girls down there at the Office of the Vice President, aren’t you? You know how the game is played, right? A significant and influential part of the body politic is screaming for Cheney’s impeachment, and the only thing that’s keeping the Democrats from moving forward on that is the date – it’s just too late in the second term to be practical. So they’re holding impeachment hearings and calling them “oversight” instead.
Griswald: I know, I know! Look, I’ve been assigned to come up with some strategies – stuff to delay them while we… you know…
Tom: While you destroy all the incriminating evidence.
Griswald: Don’t talk like that! We’re on cell phones!
Tom: Well, it’s not like I called your cell phone, is it?
Griswald: Let’s just say we have a lot of… preparation to complete before we can effectively address the outstanding requests.
Tom: By refusing them, right?
Griswald: I didn’t say that!
Tom: No, you didn’t. For the record, I said that, and it was pure speculation.
Griswald: Thanks.
Tom: No problem.
Griswald: Cheney wants results by Monday morning at six-thirty and I’ve been beating my head against the wall all weekend.
Tom: What have you got?
Griswald: I got nothing! That’s why I have to talk to somebody!
Tom: Meaning me?
Griswald: Yeah, you! Do you think we aren’t going to pay you or something?
Tom: Oh, no, I’m sure you will. But remember – you pay for the first ninety minutes regardless.
Griswald: Listen, Collins, if there’s one thing we’ve got, it’s money, okay? The first thing I want to discuss is how long can we hold out on the constitutional status question.
Tom: You mean, the legal theory, advanced by Cheney, that the office of the Vice President isn’t part of the Executive Branch, and therefore is not subject to the Archives order?
Griswald: Among other things, yes. Not required to turn over any information concerning classified documents to the Information Security Oversight Office at The National Archives.
Tom: Because the Office of the Vice President isn’t part of the Executive Branch?
Griswald: Right – and therefore not subject to the President’s Executive Orders. And not required to turn over any information about classified material to the Office of Senate Security, either.
Tom: Because the Office of the Vice President isn’t part of the Legislative Branch?
Griswald: Exactly – because doing that would violate the separation of powers clause of the Constitution.
Tom: Because the Office of the Vice President is part of the Executive Branch, and therefore is entitled to invoke executive privilege with respect to requests from Congress?
Griswald: Precisely.
Tom: Ah, what do the Vice President’s legal advisers think of that?
Griswald: They say they think it’s brilliant.
Tom: They do?
Griswald: They have to say they think it’s brilliant – it was Cheney’s idea!
Tom: Oh, yeah – I understand.
Griswald: What do you think of it?
Tom: Ah, well, let’s look at the facts, here. Article I Section 3 of the Constitution gives the Vice President a job on Capitol hill – he’s what’s called “President of the Senate,” which means he sits there chafing his hemorrhoids listening to the biggest bunch of useless windbags in the solar system display their skills as master debaters, until, in the extremely unlikely event that a tie vote happens, he gets to cast a vote to break the tie. Then Article II Section 1 says the Vice President holds his office concurrently with the President. Section 4 mentions the President and Vice President together when describing the conditions for their removal from office. The Twelfth Amendment describes identical election procedures for the President and the Vice President. The Twentieth Amendment describes the Vice President as a successor to the office of President under the appropriate circumstances. The Twenty Third and Twenty Fourth Amendments describe the election of President and Vice President in equivalent terms. The Twenty Fifth Amendment describes the conditions under which the Vice President becomes Acting President when the President is temporarily unable to perform his or her duties. Then there’s that law funding the Office of the Vice President as part of the Executive Branch…
Griswald: Yeah, that’s 3 USC 106.
Tom: And that’s about it. The Vice President just doesn’t get that much ink in the Constitution or the United States Code.
Griswald: Cheney says that’s the beauty part.
Tom: Well, I don’t know about that – I mean, “executive privilege” gets no ink at all in the Constitution.
Griswald: Hey, neither does “right to privacy.”
Tom: Yeah, but the Supreme Court found penumbras of privacy…
Griswald: And dappled shadows of executive privilege, too.
Tom: And the Constitution means just exactly what the Supreme Court says it does…
Griswald: And with the incumbent Supreme Court, the Constitution could say that the Office of the Vice President… ah, is… I don’t know… part of the Legislative Branch and the Executive Branch?
Tom: No, I don’t think Cheney would want the Supremes to say that. If they did, then the Office of the Vice President would be subject to both sets of edicts.
Griswald: Oh, yeah, sure. So what we want the Supreme Court to say is that the Office of the Vice President is not in the Legislative Branch or in the Executive Branch!
Tom: That would be more like it, I think. Then the Office of the Vice President wouldn’t have to do what the President says or do anything Congress tells it to, either.
Griswald: Tom, I’m so glad I called you about this! Let me get that down for Monday – “Make Supreme Court rule that Office of Vice President is not part of Executive or Legislative Branches.” Good. Don’t want to get that mixed up with the other alternative.
Tom: Heavens, no. But of course, if it’s not part of either, then that would invalidate 3 USC 106 and… well, I’m not a lawyer, but wouldn’t that mean that the Office of the Vice President wouldn’t have any money? After all, it’s funded as part of the Executive Branch…
Griswald: Now that you mention it, I think that they’re already talking about that.
Tom: Who?
Griswald: Congress. The House Democratic Caucus Chairman…
Tom: Rahm Emanuel?
Griswald: Yeah, him – he says that if the Office of the Vice President isn’t in the Executive Branch, then it shouldn’t be funded by the Financial Services and General Government Appropriations bill.
Tom: That’s the one that routinely funds the Executive Branch?
Griswald: Yeah, and it’s going to the House Floor next week.
Tom: I guess that explains some of the urgency over in your neck of the woods, then…
Griswald: You bet it does! That’s the second thing.
Tom: If you guys aren’t part of the Executive Branch…
Griswald: Right…
Tom: And you aren’t part of the Legislative Branch…
Griswald: Uh-huh…
Tom: And the Democrats control Congress, so there’s no way you can ram a bill through to get funded as a fourth branch of the federal government, even if you can get the Supreme Court to declare that you are one…
Griswald: Unfortunately, yeah, I must agree…
Tom: Then where does the Office of the Vice President get its funding?
Griswald: Yes… where, indeed?
Tom: How about Halliburton?
Griswald: What? Why… who… ah… Yes! Yes! That’s it!
Tom: And I guess other multinational corporations who answer to nobody but themselves…
Griswald: General Dynamics! ADM! Lockheed-Martin! Blackwater! Titan! DynCorp! Boeing! Wal-Mart! CitiGroup! Exxon-Mobil!
Tom: Oh, yeah, absolutely – if Exxon-Mobil can fund public broadcasting, they sure as hell can afford to kick in some money to run the Office of the Vice President.
Griswald: Lucent! ViaCom! Intel! Sprint! Microsoft! Wells-Fargo! Merck! Pfizer! Dow! DuPont! Procter and Gamble! Phillip Morris!
Tom: And I bet that’s just the tip of the iceberg, there, old boy! Once it becomes fashionable for amoral, obscenely rich multinational corporations to fund the Office of the Vice President, you guys will probably be up to your ears in money.
Griswald: More man-sized walk-in safes than ever!
Tom: To hold more Top Secret, Sensitive Compartmented Information than ever!
Griswald: “Top Secret/SCI” – I just love the way that sounds.
Tom: So officially vice presidential!
Griswald: Yeah, we’ll have our own special security clearances and everything.
Tom: But of course!
Griswald: And we’ll need our own security forces.
Tom: Sure – to run the special security clearances.
Griswald: Our own fleet of vehicles… our own arsenal of powerful, state-of-the-art weapons… Tom! We can have our own jail!
Tom: Well, Congress has their own police force and their own jail, so you’ll definitely need one, too.
Griswald: Then we can arrest people who criticize us!
Tom: Ah, better make sure you put that in Cheney’s orders to the Supreme Court.
Griswald: Right – let me make a note of that… Okay, separate arrest and subpoena powers… right to draft independent regulations… yeah… How about an elite armed force, separate from the Pentagon?
Tom: Gee, I don’t know, might not that be going just a bit too far?
Griswald: Not with Big Dick! He’s really keen on new, innovative ideas! I’m so glad I called you, Tom! I feel like a new man, brimming with sharp, snazzy initiatives. Now I’m ready for Monday, by golly! How can I thank you?
Tom: Oh, shucks, Griswald – you got me blushing here. Just pay the bill when I send the invoice.
Griswald: You bet, Collins! Thanks a bunch! Bye!