Normally, I would let a call to my home in Great Falls, Virginia, at 11:15 p.m. roll right over into voice mail. But last night, I was waiting for my friend Cerise to call me about us going to see “The History Boys” at the Studio Theater later this week – she’s been trying to get tickets for a night that’s good for both of us. So when the telephone rang, I just picked it up without even looking at the caller ID. It turned out to be Michelle Obama:
Tom: Hello?
Michelle: Is this Tom Collins?
Tom: It is.
Michelle: Hi, Tom, this is Michelle Obama. I hope I’m not calling too late.
Tom: Oh, no, that’s okay, I’m cool with anything before midnight.
Michelle: That’s good, because with our schedules these days, this is about the only time of day I can make a telephone call. But still, I wouldn’t call you at this hour if it weren’t very, very important.
Tom: I’m sure you wouldn’t. I’m honored. My brother, Rob Roy Martini, his wife Katje, their son Jason and Jason’s girlfriend Paisley are all ardent Obama supporters.
Michelle: That’s wonderful, Tom. How about other people you know?
Tom: Well, my sister Rose and her husband Henry, they’re Chimpanzee Republicans.
Michelle: “Chimpanzee Republicans?”
Tom: Yeah. If the Republicans nominated a chimpanzee, they’d vote for it.
Michelle: Oh, I see – sort of like Yellow Dog Democrats.
Tom: Exactly. So I don’t think they’ll be voting for a Democrat, no matter who it turns out to be. But anyway, the Republican choice is pretty good this time. McCain’s sure the hell way better than a chimpanzee.
Michelle: You’re right about that, Tom, McCain’s even better than George W. Bush.
Tom: Yeah, but that’s like saying McCain smells better than a truckload of raw sewage. What can I do for you?
Michelle: It’s about these attacks on my husband, Tom. People are calling him an elitist.
Tom: “People” as in Hillary Clinton and John McCain, you mean.
Michelle: Right, those people.
Tom: Okay then, tell me the honest truth now – do you think maybe those people have a point? Is Barack Obama an elitist? Because if he is, you do indeed have a serious problem. The vast majority of Americans hate elites, because they realize they could never be a member any of them, and Americans always despise what they can’t attain, and whether what they can’t attain is good or bad doesn’t matter to them in the least. And if they can’t buy it, join it whenever they feel like it, or get it for free in a cereal box, then as far as they’re concerned, it’s elitist.
Michelle: You said a mouth full there, Tom, and there’s no state in the Union where what you said is more apparent than Pennsylvania. So my husband needs to address this issue immediately.
Tom: I understand. But you didn’t answer my question. Do you believe your husband is an elitist?
Michelle: Uh, no, I don’t think so.
Tom: You don’t think so? All right – I need to talk to him, then. Is that feasible?
Michelle: I can probably set up a three-way call with him on my cell phone.
Tom: Okay, do that.
Michelle: Sure. Wait just a bit here – I’ll put you on hold.
[Two minutes and six seconds elapse.]
Obama: Hello? Mr. Collins?
Tom: Senator Obama?
Obama: Yes.
Michelle: Barack, I called Mr. Collins about this elitism issue we’re dealing with, and he asked to speak with you about it.
Obama: Sure. I’ve got a few minutes.
Tom: Glad to hear that, Senator. The way I see it, there are two approaches you could take, depending on whether or not you actually are an elitist. If you are, we need to examine strategies to counter the effect that has on the voters, including, for example, ways to hide it or learn how to pretend to be a “man of the people.” That’s what Jack and Bob Kennedy did. They were elitists, but they successfully applied those sorts of strategies. On the other hand, if you’re not really an elitist, things are much simpler, since nobody ever lost an American election because they didn’t have any class; as a matter of fact, the more vulgar and boorish, the better, in most cases. So, as you can see, I need to ask you a few questions before I can deliver appropriate advice.
Obama: Understood. Ask away.
Tom: Okay, let’s get started, then – tell me what you know about the Louvre.
Obama: Oh, that’s like this sled thing you only see in the Winter Olympics. It goes really, really fast, I think, like a hundred miles an hour or something, and instead of being like a kid’s sled, where the kid lies down on his stomach, the sled guy lies on his back. The whole thing’s kind of, I don’t know, silly looking, and the United States never wins any medals for it.
Tom: Uh-huh. What’s your opinion of “The Firebird?”
Obama: Nice pickup, good power, great on straightaways, not so good on handling, though. I think the 1982 Trans Am was the best one Pontiac made.
Tom: Right. A Pontiac. And you didn’t think it was a Cadillac, did you?
Obama: No, but my Daddy had a ‘68 Tempest, and I’m pretty sure he thought that was a Cadillac, until my Mom told him otherwise.
Tom: Okay, then, Senator, would you briefly discuss the War of the Roses?
Obama: Well, I’ve always liked Danny DeVito, but more as an actor than a director, you know? And the whole idea behind the movie, that’s a problem, no doubt about it – here’s two people, they’re getting divorced and fighting over everything, especially the house – that can’t be an easy thing to make a comedy out of. But I think Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner both did really good in the leading roles and I was surprised to find myself laughing sometimes, even though the whole thing was about divorce, which a very sad subject.
Tom: Okay, now tell me, who said “If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don’t have to worry about answers.”
Obama: The Right Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.?
Tom: Speaking of religion, what’s on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
Obama: Famous paintings.
Tom: Of what?
Obama: God and stuff.
Tom: Who painted them?
Obama: Some dead Italian white guy from a long time ago – was it da Vinci, maybe?
Tom: Which book of the Bible do the paintings on the Sistine Ceiling depict?
Obama: Um… Revelation?
Tom: Where was George Balanchine from?
Obama: Ah, uh, seems to me I’ve heard of him… was he from Russia?
Tom: What is his place in history?
Obama: He was, like, one of the Bolsheviks, right? With Lenin and those guys, that shot the Czar?
Tom: What is the Dresden Codex?
Obama: Feminine protection for German women?
Tom: Tell me what you know about the Rosetta Stone.
Obama: I bought the one that teaches Spanish. It works pretty good, but I had to upgrade from Windows 98 to XP before I could get it to run without crashing.
Tom: Who was Heinrich Schliemann?
Obama: Wasn’t he one of those Nazis they hanged at Nuremberg?
Tom: Into which body of water does the Okavango River empty – the Atlantic Ocean, the Indian Ocean, the Mediterranean Sea, the Red Sea or none of those?
Obama: Is that a trick question?
Tom: Not really.
Obama: I’m guessing the Indian Ocean, then.
Tom: Okay. What’s a vicuña?
Obama: Those were the big blonde women with wings that carried dead Vikings from the battlefield to, ah, Viking heaven, whatchamacallit – Valvoline or something like that.
Tom: Who was Gilgamesh?
Obama: Oh, oh, I know that one, if I can just remember it. That’s a question from Trivial Pursuit, Dick Blewitt’s Editor’s Edition – oh, yeah, that’s it – Gilgamesh was Ishkabibble’s side kick when they worked a two year vaudeville contract opening for the Marx Brothers.
Tom: Where is Angkor Wat?
Obama: Vietnam. No, um, make that India. Yeah India, that’s where it is.
Tom: Name one Chinese dynasty besides the Ming.
Obama: The Wang?
Tom: To what region of the world are tomatoes native plants?
Obama: Gee; Italy, you’d think, wouldn’t you?
Tom: How about potatoes?
Obama: Oh, that’s an easy one – Ireland, of course.
Tom: What’s linen made from?
Obama: Linen?
Tom: Uh-huh. What’s it made from?
Obama: The cloth? Like a linen table cloth?
Tom: Yeah – is it made from a plant, like cotton, or is it made from an animal, like wool?
Obama: It’s not hemp, is it?
Tom: What do kale, collard greens, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, Brussel sprouts and kohlrabi all have in common?
Obama: They taste terrible?
Tom: What if I told you they are all just varieties of the same plant?
Obama: I’d say you’re jiving me – I mean, just look at those things – how could they possibly all be the same plant?
Tom: Fine. Name your three favorite wines.
Obama: Night Train, Mogen David 20/20 and Thunderbird.
Tom: So what’s wrong with Wild Irish Rose and Cisco?
Obama: Well, I’ve only had, like maybe three bottles of Cisco in my whole life. You hardly ever see it for sale anywhere. Irish Rose is okay, but it leaves me with this nasty metallic aftertaste, you know? I do have an Irish Rose bottle that I keep in the fridge, though – it was an empty I brought home from a party, and whenever I buy Mad Dog, I pour it in that Irish Rose bottle, because some of my black guests, they see that Jew star and they just go freaking ballistic, yelling about how they got cheated by some pawnbroker or thrown out of a corner grocery – mostly just the older ones, you know? The younger ones, I gotta tell them that the bulgogi in my fridge is some kind of Thai food, because you say “Korean” to those young dudes these days and it’s just like you served gefilte fish to an old-timer – bang! Off they go, yelling about how some dry cleaner ruined their best pair of pants or how they got thrown out of a Seven-Eleven. None of them ever say they notice that my Wild Irish Rose tastes like Mad Dog, though.
Tom: What was the last book you read?
Obama: “Man in the Middle” by John Amaechi. Not that I approve of brothers on the down-low or anything; but it’s really good story, you know?
Tom: And what made you decide to read it?
Obama: It’s the latest selection in the Oprah Winfrey Book Club. I originally started reading Oprah’s books because she endorsed me, but after I read “For One More Day” by Mitch Albom, I was hooked on Oprah’s books.
Tom: What are your three most favorite foods?
Obama: Hot dogs, hamburgers and pecan pie. Kosher all beef franks are best, really. I’m always looking for Hebrew National hot dogs when Michelle and I go shopping. They’re kind of hard to find. I take them out of the wrapper and store them in Michelle’s Tupperware as soon as we get home, of course – just like with that Mad Dog, I’m not sure some of my black friends would understand that buying Hebrew National really is just an issue of quality. Best dogs ever, hands down.
Tom: When you make hamburgers at home, what kind of meat do you use?
Obama: Well, you know, Michelle is always fussing at me, nagging me along up in that cholesterol and stuff…
Michelle: Don’t you go telling Mr. Collins I nag you! I do not!
Obama: Oh. I’m sorry, honey, what with you being so quiet and all for a change, I forgot you were on the line.
Michelle: Don’t you get smart and take that tone of voice with me, Barack Hussein Obama! I didn’t call Mr. Collins here so you could go telling him I nag you! Now get back to answering the questions so we can figure out whether you’re really an elitist or not!
Obama: Yes, honey pie.
Michelle: Don’t you “honey pie” me after you start washing our dirty underdrawers in front of strangers, Mr. All Talk and No Action in the Bedroom!
Obama: Now, darling, we agreed to keep that in the family, didn’t we?
Michelle: Until you start telling somebody I get on the phone for you that I nag you, then you better watch out, ‘cause all bets are off!
Tom: Yo, Senator! About those hamburgers?
Obama: Yeah, as I was saying before I was unexpectedly interrupted, despite the current trend toward leaner ground beef made from more expensive cuts, I prefer that old-fashioned fatty chuck meat, and I’ll tell you why – there’s a good reason for it. You see, I make my burgers with salt, pepper and finely chopped Spanish onions – that’s it, and I use a lot of onions. And the plain fact is, if you put a lot of onions in your hamburger meat, that thirty percent fat ground chuck is the absolute best thing to make them with. Tastes just like authentic White Castle.
Tom: Name your three favorite types of beverage.
Obama: Beer, soda and coffee.
Tom: Of those, what are your favorite brands?
Obama: My favorite beer is Budweiser, my favorite soda is Pepsi and my favorite coffee is Maxwell House.
Tom: About that coffee – what kind of brew?
Obama: Brew?
Tom: Automatic drip, French press, percolator?
Obama: Gee, I don’t know, what’s Mr. Coffee?
Tom: Automatic drip.
Obama: Okay, automatic drip then.
Tom: Sugar? Cream?
Obama: Regular with an extra half-and-half.
Tom: What’s your favorite sport?
Obama: Basketball, of course! What did you expect – I’m black, aren’t I?
Tom: You’re sure it’s not tennis?
Obama: Completely.
Tom: Not golf?
Obama: Nope.
Tom: Not polo?
Obama: Absolutely not – I don’t even know how to play polo, and besides, I’ve noticed that horses get kind of spooked around me, so I don’t think I ever even want to try to play.
Tom: When was the last time you ate escargot?
Obama: Escargot? Michelle made me try some, years ago. It was terrible – all rubbery and tough, way too salty and smothered in garlic and too much butter. And green, too – yuck. Escargot are snails, right?
Tom: They are.
Obama: Well, there you go – no wonder they try to cover them up with all that other stuff – I bet plain snails taste like crap.
Tom: What’s your favorite cocktail or mixed drink?
Obama: I hardly ever drink those, but when I do order one, it’s always a Seven and Seven.
Tom: What comes into your mind when I say “L’Être et le néant : Essai d’ontologie phénoménologique?”
Obama: Ah, gee, I donno, uh… Où est la bibliothèque?
Tom: Who was John Masefield?
Obama: Wait, wait, don’t tell me… I know… a writer? English? An English writer?
Tom: Close enough. Listen to this musical excerpt…
Obama: Okay.
[Musical excerpt plays.]
Tom: What was that?
Obama: That was the theme from “2001 – A Space Odyssey.”
Tom: Good. If I told you Strauss wrote that, what would you think?
Obama: I think I’d be kind of surprised.
Tom: Why?
Obama: Because Strauss only wrote waltzes. Everybody knows that.
Tom: What are the Elysian Fields?
Obama: Um, ah, oh, yeah, I remember now – they’re a place in Hoboken where baseball was invented.
Tom: “Good night sweet prince.” What does that make you think of?
Obama: That’s what they say when somebody famous dies – you know, like Kennedy or Sinatra or somebody like that.
Tom: Complete the following sequence – Cambrian, Ordovician, Siluran, Devonian, Carboniferous, Permian, Triassic, Jurassic…
Obama: Park?
Tom: What’s the difference between an algorithm and a logarithm?
Obama: Hey, I’m a lawyer, okay? If I need to know the answer to that when I’m President, I’ll order NASA to get if for me.
Tom: Tell me what you know about the Markowitz Efficient Frontier.
Obama: I know that Markowitz, like all true Americans, probably believes in our frontier spirit, our ever growing desire to explore, and the amber waves of grain beneath the purple mountains’ majesty…
Tom: Right, right. Nice answer. I can see you have been deflecting some tough ones out on the campaign trail.
Obama: Oh, yeah, sorry about that. It just sort of jumped out when I wasn’t looking.
Tom: An unavoidable reflex at this point, I’m sure. Name one green house gas besides carbon dioxide and methane.
Obama: Sulfur? No, wait, sulfur’s not a gas – how about hydrogen?
Tom: What’s in uni sushi nigiri?
Obama: Sushi? Back home in Chicago, that’s what we call “bait.” But it’s not actually correct, since even a catfish wouldn’t bite on sushi.
Tom: Where do you shoot a deer – in the chest, the head or the stomach?
Obama: In the chest. Head shot messes up the trophy, gut shot messes up the meat.
Tom: Name all the bass boat manufacturers you know.
Obama: Beeline, Allison, Honda, Bullet, Bass Cat, Triton… ah, guess that’s it.
Tom: Who was the last American to win the Indianapolis 500?
Obama: Sam Hornish, Jr., in 2006.
Tom: What’s a mullet?
Obama: A hairdo that poor white folks wear. It’s been out of style since I was a kid, but some of them keep wearing it anyhow.
Tom: In New York City, if a guy has an ear ring in his left ear, what does it mean?
Obama: He’s gay?
Tom: Okay, good. Now, tell me what you think of Hobbes.
Obama: Well, he was essential to the comic strip, wasn’t he? Calvin could never have been that funny without him.
Tom: How about Bacon?
Obama: I generally prefer hickory smoked.
Tom: Turing?
Obama: For my money, when I’m on vacation, give me the islands, you know? Sun, sandy beaches, skin diving, palm trees, surf, the whole tropical thing. You can keep all the precious bed and breakfasts up there in New England, thank you very much, that’s what I say, anyway.
Tom: Church?
Obama: Been going regularly my whole life – I hope you’re not going to make an issue of my pastor’s recent comments, are you?
Tom: I wouldn’t think of it, Senator. How about Berlin?
Obama: Never been there. I hear it’s pretty decadent these days.
Tom: Got an opinion on Machiavelli, then?
Obama: Michelle likes it because they have that Tuscan food, but to tell the truth, every time we eat there, I get awful gas.
Tom: How about Rand?
Obama: What, that’s the South African currency, right? Is there something going on with it I should know about?
Tom: Nope. Got any thoughts on Whitehead?
Obama: Yeah, I had a problem with them, but then Michelle had me use some of her expropriation… nah, what is it… yeah, exfoliant soap, and that cleared it right up.
Tom: Rawls?
Obama: I have six of Lou’s albums; a couple in genuine vinyl.
Tom: Kant?
Obama: Who can’t? Me or you? And they can’t what?
Tom: Don’t worry about it. Listen to this joke. Jascha Heifetz was booked to play Cleveland, but it snowed twenty eight inches. So the night of the concert, only about a dozen people showed up. Eight o’clock, the concert is supposed to start – no Heifetz. Eight forty-five, Heifetz walks out on stage and says “Ladies and gentlemen, due to the severe snow storm, many of the orchestra musicians, and, I’m afraid, even the pianist, were unable to make it to the theater. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for coming to see me, even under these conditions. Out of my own pocket, I have seen to it that double your ticket prices will be refunded to each and every one of you at the box office. This concert is canceled. God bless you and good evening.” Then Heifetz turns and starts to walk off the stage. “Mr. Heifetz!” A little old man shouts as he stands up from his seat in the front row. “I have traveled over two hundred miles in the worst snowstorm the state of Ohio has seen in six decades, just to hear this concert. Please! Before you go – at least sing one song!”
Obama: Yeah, and?
Tom: And what?
Obama: Are you going to finish the joke?
Tom: I did.
Obama: But where’s the punch line?
Tom: Never mind. Thank you for your time, Senator.
Obama: Sure. It was a pleasure speaking with you. I assume you’ll follow up on the details with Michelle then?
Tom: I certainly will.
Obama: Right. Thanks. Goodbye, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Goodbye, Senator.
Michelle: How did he do?
Tom: Your husband passed the elitism test with flying colors. Rest assured, even though he attended Columbia and Harvard, there is no way your husband is an elitist of any sort. Quite to the contrary – Barack Obama is as plain as blue jeans, as plebeian as athlete’s foot, as prosaic as an oil change, and as common as dirt.
Michelle: Oh, that’s just wonderful! You’ve proved it – my Barack is just like the people who vote for him – no taste, no refinement, no sophistication, no knowledge and absolutely no class at all! Now I know for sure he’s got what it takes to be President of the United States.
Tom: Well, with those qualifications, he’s a cinch to carry Pennsylvania, anyhow.
Michelle: Oh, Tom, I’m on Cloud Nine, that’s where I am! No elitism problems for my man, no sir, not anymore! My husband’s just a sweaty, grunting, nose-picking, farting, butt-crack-scratching garden variety all American Average Guy!
Tom: I am so, very, very, happy for you, too. Where shall I send my bill?
Michelle: Bill?
Tom: Yes. My standard fee for a consultation lasting ninety minutes or less.
Michelle: Are you kidding me?
Tom: No ma’am.
Michelle: You get the privilege of speaking with the next President of the United States – and, I might add, also speaking with his lovely and charming wife, and you want money for that?
Tom: Well, I customarily invoice clients for telephone conversations during which consulting services are performed…
Michelle: I’m sorry, I’ve got to go now. My husband is running for President, you know. Goodbye!