Down at the Round Robin Bar on Friday night, lips were flapping about what appears to be a situation where a number of United States Congressmen contracted mild cases of heatstroke. Anyone who has visited Washington, DC, during the month of August had better have been doing so on business, because the difference between Hell and Washington, DC, in August is that Hell has dry heat. And presumably, those gentlemen know that, but, thanks to air conditioning and mosquito control, it is now possible to find our elected representatives selflessly suffering to serve us at their seats in the Capitol, even on days when only mad dogs and Englishman would venture out, especially in a dark wool suit, tropical cut or not.
Yes, my dear fellow citizens, I am happy, oh, I don’t know, maybe even somewhat light-headed, to report that the annual Season of Silly Thoughts and Absurd Actions has officially descended on your Nation’s fair capital city. Furthermore, as a genuine and long time Beltway Insider, I assure you, the fact that all the participants in this particular farce were Republicans is a complete and utter coincidence, take my word for it. We often fail to realize, I have observed, that unlikely things occur all the time, we just don’t notice because nobody bets on whether they will happen or not. So don’t hold their political afflictions against them, folks, I certify that I have seen herds of heat-crazed Democrats stampede even better. But nevertheless, you have to hand it to these guys Friday morning, when Fate handed them a situation where a decision had to be made. In the words of Albert Camus, “Gentlemen, hats off!”
You see, my friends, so enthralled were these dedicated public servants, by their singular political passions, combined, you see, with a touch of DC August heat, that they did not, in fact, realize that the House of Representatives was adjourned, and so kept right on talking. Such singularity of purpose, such devotion to duty, and such shameless disregard for sanity must surely warm the cockles of every true American heart. Yes, the rest of the lower house of our Government’s Legislative Branch may be on their way home to someplace, good Lord, anyplace but Washington, DC, in August, but these gentlemen had a higher purpose, yes – these gentlemen had unfinished business, God bless them, these brave gentlemen with the stones, my friends, the stones – to cavalierly disregard their own mental health; these men had important work to do!
And we all know what that work is, my fellow citizens, it’s making mighty speeches on the floor of the House, and by Jumping Jiminy, that’s exactly what these fellows did. Who could blame them? Here, in their hands were the dulcet and orotund pearls of their rhetorical genius, lying, undelivered to the clamoring multitudes of the adoring populace, particularly those in their own congressional districts! Besides, their subject matter was of utmost concern for the future of the United States of America, and – what with You Know Who in the White House at the moment – also of utmost concern to the futures of those congressmen.
Now, an undelivered speech, no matter how sublime, informed, insightful, intelligent and beautiful, simply added to a touch of heat stroke seldom causes such erratic behavior. But if they are combined with the type of high blood pressure a good, and, of course, deserved and completely justified fit of self-righteous indignation can bring on, well, then, that’s another kettle of fish entirely. And friends, did these plucky lads have something to get steamed up about in that department! Here, with gasoline prices eating the hearts out of millions of American families, the House had gone and adjourned, leaving them flat, like a jilted prom date, and, adding insult to injury, those evil Democrats did it without passing their energy bill! The nerve, my dear friends, try to just imagine the nerve of the Democratic majority – deciding to adjourn the House, just because it can! So I think that’s what did it.
As I am sure many of you already know, my friends, they kept right on talking as the television lights were extinguished, as the television cameras switched off, as the crews yanked up yard after yard of cables secured with piece after piece of gaffer’s tape. No, my friends, these intrepid orators, venturing now, as they did, and as they knew, far – uncomfortably far, even – beyond the bounds not only of good taste, propriety, and common sense but into the pages of history itself, were totally unafraid of how Kafkaesque they might appear to others having brains unbaked by DC’s unmerciful summer heat! Or maybe that’s why they waited until the crew took the cameras down to start acting like that, who knows?
But in any case, down the gauntlet they unambiguously threw, saying “This far, Evil Democrat Party, and no farther,” for, far from being defeated, they had not yet even begun to fight! They sent out the word to bring them a bull horn, and let the orations continue, unabated and unabashed! Meanwhile, Representative John Shadegg, of Arizona’s third district, displayed his mighty mental acumen, getting the lights and CSPAN cameras going again by running up to the control booth and randomly throwing switches all over the place until something happened.
But, as reporters were anxiously shooed from the Speaker’s Lobby by guilt-ridden Democratic operatives, the Democrat Conspiracy arranged a successful counter-attack, leaving the rebel Republicans once more in the dark, and worse than that, without TV coverage.
Oh, yeah, did I mention that the speeches were about energy? From what I heard, they all essentially restated the well-known Republican energy policy positions that we should drill for oil off-shore, drill for oil the in Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and drill for oil on the White House lawn. They re-iterated Republican support for alternative energy resources, especially gas made with white lightning and diesel made from deep fry grease, and reminded us all, in a jocular manner, that a little nukie never hurt anyone. And then each and every speech, without exception, discussed the very important alternative and traditional energy resource development efforts in the speaker’s congressional districts, all of which, for some as-yet unexplained reason, require extensive federal funding.
But anyway, here’s what I overheard, listening to various sources in the Round Robin last night as they chattered about what these guys said:
They accused the Democrats of playing dirty by not only adjourning, but formally cutting off speeches in the House as well. Representative Don Manzullo, of Illinois’ sixteenth district, rattled the rafters. Gesticulating so dramatically, Mussolini himself would turn green with envy, invoking the memory of John Quincy Adams (as recalled by the recent cable television series, from which he cited a scene that was entirely fictional, having been inserted merely to enhance story continuity), and generally talking with his hands and sweating too much, as excited Italian gentlemen often do, he accused those evil Democrats of abusing their power, perverting the majesty and responsibility of their high offices by destroying a level playing field and stacking the deck against the Republicans, in a blatant and unforgivable attempt to slip their ringer a Mickey Finn and thereby stifle dissent by short-sheeting the oposition’s bunks. He brought the house down, of course.
“Tell your friends the Republicans refuse to go quietly,” shouted Representative Mike Pence, of Indiana’s sixth district, echoing the sentiments of countless generations of inebriated fraternity brothers when confronted by the local police. Only now, my dear friends, the cops were the Democrats, and the frat boys’ beer, well, that’s your taxes, folks, and guess what the Democrats want to do with them.
Representative Adam H. Putman, of Florida’s twelfth district, favored the crowd with a recitation of Shakespeare’s Address of Henry V to His Army Upon the Battle of Agincourt, concluding with an elaborate pantomime of uncertain semiotic content while reciting the final words, which he had taken the trouble to customize just for the occasion:
“… We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that gives his energy bill speech with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen even now flying away from Washington
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
When they hold their Blackberries up to read on the plane
What we did here upon Saint Crispin’s day!”
When Shadegg gave his speech, he began by proclaiming “”Today is the 2008 version of the Boston Tea Party,” fearlessly overlooking the fact that the Boston Tea Party was perpetrated by a mob of seriously drunk Bostonians, which could easily serve to turn him into a laughingstock back home. Did he care? Not a bit! This moment was much more important than running the almost certain risk of looking like a complete fool later.
Representative Thaddeus McCotter, a proud Republican from Michigan’s eleventh district, features as his campaign slogan “He’s That Rock and Roll Dude!” Yesh, he’s quite the rugged individualist, and he was, dear friends, in rare form on Friday. “First we can’t vote for this, now we can’t talk about it?” he self-righteously demanded, shockingly brave enough not to care that the entire world might discover he hasn’t read the House Rules. Yes, Representative McCotter, they can do that, but we Real Americans, we all thank you, from the bottoms of our passionate American hearts, for having the heart so show such passion. Then Thad went on show some more passion as he reminded the evil Democrats, already enjoying the cool breeze of first class seat air nozzles on their treacherous brows as they watched Washington shrink like a receding nightmare below them, that “This is the peoples house! This is not Nancy Pelosi’s politburo!”
No less courageous was Representative Devin Nunes, who was sent to Washington on the behalf of the good citizens of California’s twenty-first district. Throwing caution to come-what-may, Nunes gamely pretended to be a mincing, effeminate, and of course, game, evil Democrat. He held up a picture of a old Volkswagen Bug with a sail attached to it, and proclaimed, in a prissy, hissy lisp, “I am a Democrat and here is my energy plan!” His performance as a tree-hugging, seal-puppy-kissing, taxing, spending gushing liberal was so masterfully game, in fact, that I heard several discussions Friday night go off on the tangent of whether or not Nunes, is, well, you know, if not exactly a game liberal Democrat, then, at least, maybe leaning that way.
During his speech, Representative Pete Hoekstra, of Michigan’s second district, demonstrated for the world that Republicans know as much about the Internet as Democrats, sending a Twitter message from the House floor, which read “Call Speaker Pelosi at 202 225 0100. Demand vote on energy legislation.” Meanwhile, Representative Rep. John Culberson, from the seventh district of Texas also put the Democrats on notice by successfully using Twitter to send numerous updates on the hot and heavy oral speech action going down on the House floor as the Republican Davids stood up to the Goliath of Democrat despotism – off the hook, for sure, Representative Culberson! He’s so with it, so hip, and so outtasite, not only did he send a record-breaking number of tweets originating from the Capitol in a six hour period when Congress is not is session, he even sent a message to close all the threads, you know? It went like “Thanks to everyone @ Twitter/Qik today: America got a glimpse of the future. We demonstrated the power of a real time network of free people.” Awesome! Bad guys everywhere are on notice now – these Congressional Republicans know about socially networked micro-blogging Web sites, and, what’s more, they know how to use them!
Representative Ted Poe, of Texas’ second district, and key ringleader, told the chamber “I’ve never had so much fun in my whole life! This, what we’re doing here, in this chamber, this is what America is all about – sticking it to the [expletive] liberals!”
Then everyone held their right index fingers aloft, indicating “We’re Number One,” while chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!” over and over until they were hoarse, after which they all joined hands and sang “God Bless America.” Really.
Well, I know I usually write longer posts than this, but, for some reason, I feel kind of strange, so I’ll just end it here. Nothing serious, I’m sure; it’s probably just this damned heat.