It was around four-thirty yesterday afternoon, and, it being Friday, and Fridays being generally slow, Gretchen asked if she could leave early, and, naturally, I said yes. In order to have it ready for a Monday morning meeting with some gentleman from Guinea, I hung around putting the finishing touches on my analysis of the world bauxite market (on that subject, I would say, don’t put any of your money in bauxite). Then the phone rang. It was John McCain.
Tom: Good afternoon, Senator.
McCain: Good afternoon, Tom. How’s everything with you?
Tom: Fine, Senator. I was just putting the finishing touches on a report I’m preparing for a client on the world bauxite market.
McCain: What’s bauxite?
Tom: An ore of aluminum. It’s the only aluminum ore suitable for aluminum metal production.
McCain: We got any bauxite here in the United States?
Tom: A little. Most of it’s in tropical countries where the climate is conducive to production of the ore by weathering and concentration in large sedimentary deposits.
McCain: So aluminum’s pretty rare, compared to stuff like copper and iron?
Tom: No, Senator, quite the contrary. As a matter of fact, aluminum is the most abundant metal in the Earth’s crust – eight percent of it is aluminum. It’s just that the only ore from which aluminum metal can be extracted inexpensively enough to be a viable commodity is bauxite.
McCain: No kidding? How come?
Tom: It has to do with aluminum’s extremely strong oxidation chemistry. Back before the discovery of electrical reduction smelting, extraction of aluminum, from any kind of rock, including bauxite, was so expensive aluminum was more valuable than gold.
McCain: More valuable than gold? Gee, kinda makes me wish I had a time machine. I could take the siding off my seven houses, go back to the days of King Arthur and be the richest man in the world.
Tom: I suppose so, sir, although I doubt any of your seven houses has aluminum siding.
McCain: You don’t think so? I guess I’ll have to ask my wife. She’d know – they’re really her houses, after all.
Tom: That’s a good idea, Senator. Is there something I can help you with?
McCain: Ah, yes – the reason I called… oh, before we get started, I understand that you’ve previously advised Chelsea Clinton, Ron Paul, Jesse Jackson and both of the Obamas; and that none of them paid you a fee.
Tom: That is, for various reasons, correct, Senator, and before we go any farther, let me say that I don’t expect that you will pay me anything, either.
McCain: Oh good, that’s a relief. You simply wouldn’t believe how strapped we are for cash right now.
Tom: Yes, I would.
McCain: Uh, yes, well, we certainly are. Nobody seems to want to contribute to the Republicans like they used to.
Tom: I’m sure that’s just a transient phenomenon.
McCain: Transient? You know, back in Arizona, our Sheriff Arpaio arrests transients and makes them put on pink underwear and black-and-white striped jail uniforms like you see in those old Charlie Chaplin movies and then he makes them sleep in tents out in the desert where it’s freezing cold at night and a hundred twenty degrees in the daytime. Are you saying that transients are the reason nobody’s backing my campaign for President?
Tom: No, sir. By “transient phenomenon” I was denoting something akin to “a passing caprice.”
McCain: “Denoting?” “Akin?” “Caprice?” Mr. Collins, has anyone ever told you that you talk funny? Where do you get all those weird words?
Tom: From a thesaurus.
McCain: Oh, come on – now you’re pulling my leg! Everybody knows those are extinct!
Tom: Sure – just joshing, Senator. And I’m sure the malfeasance in every jurisdiction under Sheriff Arpaio’s suzerainty…
McCain: There you go again!
Tom: Sorry. I bet there’s no crime in Arpaio’s town.
McCain: Nope.
Tom: Every sheriff ought to do what he does.
McCain: Yep.
Tom: So what’s on your mind, Senator?
McCain: Well now, Tom, it’s a rather delicate matter. So I assume I can count on…
Tom: Sir, I can assure you of the same level of confidence extended to Chelsea Clinton, Jesse Jackson, Ron Paul and both of the Obamas – I will merely record a verbatim transcript of our conversation in my blog for purposes of future reference.
McCain: What’s a blog?
Tom: That’s Internet slang for “Web log.” A lot of people have one. Periodically, you record your important activities and life events in your Web log.
McCain: Oh, I see. It’s sort of like a diary.
Tom: Similar to a diary, yes.
McCain: Okay. That sounds pretty safe to me. I guess this Internet diary contraption of yours has something like a lock on it, right?
Tom: Something exactly like a lock, Senator. It has a password.
McCain: Oh, right – we had those in Vietnam. Like the password would be “Goldfinger,” and the counter-sign was “Oddjob.”
Tom: Exactly. Nobody but me has the password which allows the user to create entries in my Web log, Senator, and nobody else ever shall.
McCain: Good. So you’ve got rock-solid security?
Tom: Everything is precisely as I have described it.
McCain: All right, then – what I’m calling you about is Sarah Palin.
Tom: What about her, Senator?
McCain: That shopping spree she went on! What’s the matter with women? Are clothes and shoes and trips to the hair salon all they think about?
Tom: To be fair to women, sir, although I am by no means a big Hillary Clinton fan, I’m absolutely certain that, were she running for Vice President, she would not go out, two and one-half weeks before the election, while the national and world economies were collapsing around everyone’s ears, and spend over one hundred and twenty-four thousand dollars of her party’s funds at Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus.
McCain: And another five grand a Bloomingdale’s!
Tom: And over nine thousand at Macy’s.
McCain: And forty-seven hundred on hair, facials and makeup! Plus, they tell me Palin blew nearly eight hundred bucks at some place called Barney’s of New York. What is this Barney’s of New York, anyway?
Tom: It’s a specialty department store chain with, shall we say, a limited clientele of fashion cognoscenti…
McCain: Hey! There you go again!
Tom: Sorry.
McCain: Talk like an American, okay? And not one of those fake Americans, either, from California or Massachusetts or any of those other states we had to give up on – talk like a real American from Texas or Oklahoma or Misssissippi or Arizona or somewhere like that!
Tom: Okay, first of all, Barney’s of New York has major locations in Beverly Hills and Boston, but the original one is in New York City, and all three of those locations are places which Ms. Palin has characterized as “not real America.” Secondly, as of 2007, Barney’s has been owned by a consortium in Dubai called Istithamar PJSC. And thirdly, a lot of show business celebrities shop there. So, there you have it – Palin shopped at a store in the heart of Fake America, owned by filthy rich Arabs, which is patronized by liberal, elitist showbiz celebrities.
McCain: Which celebrities?
Tom: Well, Sarah Jessica Parker has an endorsement posted on Barney’s Web site.
McCain: Who’s Sarah Jessica Parker?
Tom: She’s best known for her role as Carrie Bradshaw in the highly awarded and critically acclaimed HBO cable television series, Sex and the City.
McCain: Yeah, I think I’ve heard of that show. You say this Barney’s store has a Web site. Would that be something like that Web site my campaign put up for me?
Tom: Lots of businesses have Web sites, Senator. I’d say practically every business in America has one.
McCain: Oh, good – there must be millions of them, then, so people aren’t very likely to find the Barney’s of New York Web site, are they? What with there being so many of them and all?
Tom: Well, you have to realize, Senator, that if somebody reads about Ms. Palin shopping at Barney’s in a newspaper or magazine, all they have to do is enter “Barney’s of New York” into a search engine and it will take them right there, to the Barney’s of New York Web site. And that same search engine can also lead them straight to articles about the wealthy Arab investors who actually own Barney’s of New York, and to things like Ms. Parker’s biography and frank discussions of Sex and the City. I doubt that any of that would play well with the folks who have been attending your rallies, Senator.
McCain: Oh, my God! What’s a “search engine?”
Tom: You know, like Google.
McCain: Well, I’ve heard of Google and I know they’re on the Web or Internet or whatever and I know they make a lot of money, but, as I’m sure you are well aware, foreign policy and national defense are my strong points.
Tom: Google is the most successful search engine on the World Wide Web, Senator. That’s why they have so much money.
McCain: Oh. Maybe I ought to try it some time.
Tom: Sure – it’s not hard to do. Just turn on your computer and start up the browser…
McCain: What’s a “browser?”
Tom: It’s an application that lets you access the Web and display Web pages. You locate the icon…
McCain: Icon?
Tom: Yeah, on your desktop…
McCain: I’m at my desk right now, and I don’t see any icons. What’s it supposed to look like – Saint Christopher or something?
Tom: No, no, on your computer screen – the display is called the “desktop.” It’s a metaphor, you know, an allegorical representation…
McCain: There you go again!
Tom: Sorry. It’s pictures of things, some of which are named after real stuff. You move the cursor…
McCain: Who’s cursing? I’m not cursing!
Tom: No, no, the arrow on the screen, that’s called a “cursor.” You move it over the browser icon with the mouse…
McCain: Mouse?
Tom: Yeah, the mouse on your desk.
McCain: There aren’t any mice on my desk, either!
Tom: Ah, yes, well, be that as it may, then, Senator, I’d say her trip to Barney’s of New York was a particularly inept political decision on Governor Palin’s part.
McCain: Inept?
Tom: Bad. I meant, “particularly bad.”
McCain: About how bad, would you say?
Tom: Hold on a minute, Senator, while I fire up my proprietary political analysis software suite and enter the data corresponding to Governor Palin’s recent actions.
McCain: Okay. [Hums Hail to the Chief.]
Tom: Catchy tune, that.
McCain: Very. Can’t seem to get it out of my head.
Tom: All right, then – here are the results. Given the current economic situation, the Republican’s constant complaints over the years that the Democratic Party is controlled by out-of-touch elitists, together with Governor Palin’s previous behavior – including numerous assertions that she’s a “working-class hockey mom;” her incessant bragging about cutting costs in the Alaska state government; her public utterance, to date, of the phrase “you betcha” approximately eight thousand three hundred and fifty times since accepting the vice-presidential nomination; her public identification with “Joe and Jane Sixpack,” whoever they are, more than seven hundred times since then; her nearly constant references to shooting game, particularly moose, for the meat, not the trophy; her execration…
McCain: There you go again!
Tom: Sorry. Her well-publicized claim, that, as you put it earlier, parts of our nation are “real America” and others aren’t; and, finally, the generally anti-intellectual, anti-urban tone of her speeches, the electoral impact analysis module estimates that, leveraged by those factors, her one hundred and fifty grand upscale shopping spree is approximately seventeen point three eight times as damaging to her prospects of election as both of John Edwards’ four-hundred-dollar haircuts were to his, and ninety two point six three times as damaging as when Barack Obama said “arugula.”
McCain: Which works out to what in votes?
Tom: Approximately minus one percent, nation-wide.
McCain: Oh, okay, that’s a relief. Maybe we can weather the storm on this, then.
Tom: Senator, you must realize that minus one percent national overall figure takes into account several large “blue” states where Palin’s shopping spree will either not affect voting at all, or have a small, one-half to one percent positive effect, mostly from women and gay men who are attracted to political candidates on the basis of their fashion sense alone.
McCain: Enough to turn any of those blue states red?
Tom: No, Senator, I’m sorry, one percent more votes for you in a state like Maryland or Oregon couldn’t possibly do that.
McCain: And those tiny increases in states I’m going to lose anyway are offset by what?
Tom: Approximately minus one point five percent in Missouri and Nevada, minus two percent in North Carolina and Virginia, minus two point five percent in Pennsylvania, Indiana and Colorado, and minus three percent in Ohio and Florida.
McCain: Oh, [expletive]! That stupid [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] cow has totally [expletive] my [expletive] presidential campaign!
Tom: Now, alas, it seems that you are indeed cursing, Senator.
McCain: You’re Goddamn [expletive] right I’m [expletive] cursing! That seal-[expletive] Alaskan tundra-turkey! [Expletive] salmon-breathed polar bear-[expletive] Nanook of the Snow-[expletive]! [Expletive] king-crab-legged, half-witted, walrus-[expletive] blubber-chewing, white-trash baywop frost-[expletive] retard, buying a [expletive] three-thousand dollar handbag with RNC money two [expletive] weeks before the [expletive] election! What the [expletive] makes a [expletive] handbag worth three [expletive] thousand [expletive] dollars for [expletive] Christ’s sake?
Tom: I suggest you ask your wife that question, sir.
McCain: [Expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] that [expletive], too! I’ve had it with broads! They can’t be trusted – they’ll [expletive] you up, every [expletive] time! I could have won just fine with a man in the vice-presidential slot, but no! Davis and Loeffler and that [expletive] [expletive] Fiorina and Berman and Green and all the rest of those dumb-[expletive] [expletive], going on and on about Hillary [expletive] Clinton voters this and [expletive] Hillary Clinton [expletive] voters that…
Tom: Senator, please – I think perhaps your legendary temper might be showing just a bit here…
McCain: [Expletive] my legendary [expletive] temper! You think Rudy Giuliani would have run out two [expletive] weeks before the election, while the biggest [expletive] economic meltdown since the Crash of Twenty-Nine was happening – and during a Republican administration no less – and spent a hundred and fifty thousand [expletive] dollars of Republican Party money on outrageously priced designer dresses, high heel shoes, makeup, hairstyling and accessories like a [expletive] three thousand dollar handbag?
Tom: Actually, he might.
McCain: [Expletive]! You’re right. I should have said Fred Thompson.
Tom: Yes, you should. And I agree, Senator, Fred Thompson would never do that.
McCain: Well, [expletive] on a [expletive] shingle, Tom, what the [expletive] should I do?
Tom: First, you should calm down, because extreme anger causes high blood pressure, and that’s not good for a man your age, you know.
McCain: I know, I know, you’re right. I’m so old, I went to toga parties with Nero. I shouldn’t let myself get upset like that. So – now that I’m nice and calm again – what should I do?
Tom: To win the election?
McCain: Yeah, right, of course; what did you think I was asking?
Tom: Well, you could have been asking for advice about what to do after November 4th. You could stay in the Senate, go on a lecture tour, get a position in a conservative think thank like the Cato Institute, maybe; or teach government at Bob Jones University; perhaps write a book…
McCain: Well, I wasn’t! I want to know what I should do in order to win the election and become President of the United States, okay? Do you think I should dump Palin and get somebody else before she has a chance to screw things up even worse?
Tom: Ah, no. Definitely not. For one thing, you only have two weeks left, and for another, look what happened when George McGovern replaced Thomas Eagleton with Sargent Shriver. Total disaster – Nixon beat McGovern like egg-white meringue. No way, Senator. You gotta dance with the one what you brung to the hoe-down, as Fred might put it.
McCain: Yeah, I guess so – and he would, too. Damn irritating, that aw-shucks country-boy routine of his. Okay, so dumping that dumb [expletive] Palin is out. How about if I make her return all that stuff?
Tom: Yeah, she could, but it wouldn’t help much.
McCain: How come?
Tom: She would probably only get store credit, not refunds.
McCain: Maybe if I pull some strings?
Tom: Certainly, you could try it – but on the other hand, what makes you so sure you can get her to give back all that marvelous swag?
McCain: You think getting her to consent might be a problem?
Tom: Tell me the truth, Senator, have you ever tried to convince a woman to return things she’s bought and put the money back in her bank account – much less somebody else’s bank account?
McCain: No, I never have.
Tom: Neither have I, but my brother-in-law once tried to do that with my dear sister, Rose.
McCain: How’d it go?
Tom: He got a black eye, that’s how it went.
McCain: Okay, so what if I don’t order her or make demands or anything, but instead, I get all, you know, psy-ops with her?
Tom: Like how?
McCain: I could say, “You know Sarah, those new clothes make you look kind of fat, and the shoes make your feet look too big, why don’t you take them back and get a refund?” Think that might work?
Tom: That, Senator, is how my brother-in-law got his black eye.
McCain: Oh. Well, maybe Obama will make some really big mistake between now and November 4th.
Tom: I thought hope was the other guy’s campaign gimmick, not yours.
McCain: True. So, what do you think, then?
Tom: You could go negative in a big way – and stop correcting people at your rallies when they repeat the things Palin says about Obama at hers. At least then you two wouldn’t appear to be contradicting each other.
McCain: Yeah, I suppose that might energize the core Republican voter base.
Tom: And then, there’s the old Republican stand-by.
McCain: Oh. You mean, I steal the election.
Tom: It worked for George W. Bush. Twice.
McCain: But Tom, if I go negative on Obama and Biden, instead of just letting Palin do that for me; or, if I use the dishonest parts of the Republican Party to steal the election, why, come November 5th, I’m going to feel dirtier the next morning than a cheerleader who got [expletive]-faced drunk and [expletive] the entire varsity football squad after the homecoming game.
Tom: Hey, I don’t think you’re talking about anything that would bother Sarah Palin.
McCain: Yeah, now that I think about it, probably not.
Tom: So why should it bother you?
McCain: Yeah, right. A guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do, I guess.
Tom: No guts, no glory.
McCain: No pain, no gain.
Tom: No risk, no reward.
McCain: No heart, no pride.
Tom: No courage, no leadership.
McCain: No balls, no brilliance.
Tom: No backbone, no substance.
McCain: No brains, no headaches.
Tom: Hey, I never heard that one before, where’d you get it?
McCain: In the Navy.
Tom: I should have known.
McCain: Okay, then, Tom, thanks for everything.
Tom: And good luck to you, Senator, no matter what Governor Palin does next.
McCain: Yeah. Sure gonna need it. ‘Bye.