Maybe most folks passed this morning thinking about impending Yuletide festivities, their loved ones, children’s gifts or a cheery fire and some eggnog amid tonight’s Christmas lights – certainly I did. But I also know for sure that one particular denizen of Capitol Hill had something entirely different on her mind. Around nine, as scheduled, I got a call from a Ms. Demi Cerveau, Congressional aide:
Demi: Mr. Collins?
Tom: Yes, Ms. Cerveau, this is he. Thanks for making an appointment for this telephone conference. What problem can I help you with this morning?
Demi: My problem, Mr. Collins, is that I work for Brian Higgins.
Tom: Ah, yes, Representative Brian Higgins, of New York’s 27th Congressional District.
Demi: I must admit, Mr. Collins, I’m quite impressed.
Tom: It’s my job to know arcane facts, ma’am.
Demi: And that’s it, right there, Mr. Collins. Besides the people who work for him here in Congress, the voters of New York’s 27th Congressional District, and a few experts like you, nobody else, anywhere, knows who Brian Higgins is.
Tom: And that’s a problem, I surmise, because Mr. Higgins would like very much to become the junior senator from New York when Hillary Clinton is confirmed as Barack Obama’s new Secretary of State.
Demi: That’s true, Mr. Collins.
Tom: But, unfortunately, Mr. Higgins is in the same boat as Thomas Suozzi, Steve Israel, Carolyn Maloney, Jerrold Nadler and Kirsten Gillibrand.
Demi: Excuse me, but who the hell are they?
Tom: There you go. As William of Ockham used to say, Q.E.D.
Demi: Huh?
Tom: Well, you see, Ms. Cerveau, those, too, are the names of New York Democratic politicians who wish to occupy Hillary’s Senate seat. And all of them, just like your boss, also suffer from extreme lack of name recognition. Now, normally, that wouldn’t be too bad, being up against the likes of Andrew Cuomo, who, after all, is only married to a Kennedy, but…
Demi: … Caroline Kennedy wants the job…
Tom: … and even the Paleolithic natives of central Borneo know who Caroline Kennedy is.
Demi: And that’s just not fair, is it, Mr. Collins? Didn’t this country fight a revolution to rid itself of royalty and inherited political power?
Tom: Seems to me I remember something like that, yes.
Demi: My boss worked his whole life to become a United States Representative from upstate New York! And by golly, Brian Higgins has earned every bit of name recognition he has!
Tom: No doubt about that.
Demi: And Caroline Kennedy? What did she do? She got born, that’s what.
Tom: She got born the grandchild of a fabulously wealthy criminal who bought and sold convention delegations so his son could get elected President.
Demi: Who? What?
Tom: Joe Kennedy made a huge fortune bootlegging liquor during Prohibition. It’s also widely conceded that he essentially bought the West Virginia delegation during the 1960 Democratic Convention. The whole thing was so blatant, Harry Truman publicly complained about it.
Demi: Gee, I didn’t know that.
Tom: Well, now you do. Consequently, the situation you were lamenting just now is even more unfair than you thought it was.
Demi: All the more reason I should be speaking with you, then. We need strategies to punch up Brian’s name recognition to a level that can compete with John Fitzgerald Kennedy’s daughter.
Tom: That’s a pretty tall order, ma’am. Is Mr. Higgins by any chance married to a stunningly beautiful woman from an upper-crust family who has such impeccable grace, sophistication, charm and fashion sense that an entire generation of women slavishly emulates her?
Demi: Ah, well, Mary Jane dresses okay, I guess…
Tom: “Mary Jane?” His wife is named “Mary Jane?”
Demi: Uh, yeah. She’s… I don’t know… kind of pretty, and she wears very nice clothes.
Tom: No audiences with the Pope, I suppose?
Demi: The Pope? I know the Higgins family is Catholic, but I’m sure if he or his wife had ever had an audience with the Pope, oh, gosh – we’d know about that, wouldn’t we? So I’d say no, neither of them ever has.
Tom: Okay, let’s move on, then. Does Representative Higgins have any significant acts of heroism on his resume?
Demi: Um, ah… he got two hundred seventy nine million dollars from Washington for Erie County, and, uh, he kept St. Joseph’s Hospital in Cheektowaga open. Those are pretty courageous things, aren’t they?
Tom: No harrowing experiences in a war, such as being the captain of a PT boat sunk by a sadistic, bloodthirsty and fanatical enemy, or anything like that?
Demi: No, I don’t think so…
Tom: It doesn’t have to be entirely true, you know. A certain amount of exaggeration is quite acceptable – actually, a ridiculously absurd amount of exaggeration is completely acceptable, particularly if presented in a widely-released motion picture based on said heroic acts.
Demi: I’ll check into it, but I doubt we’ll find anything like that which could increase Brian’s name recognition.
Tom: Okay, any memorable speeches or slogans?
Demi: Speeches? Slogans?
Tom: Yeah, you know, like “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”
Demi: Oh, yeah, stuff like that. No, not really. Brian mostly just talks about getting Buffalo out of the Rust Belt, getting a fair deal for the middle class, having affordable health care for everyone and so forth.
Tom: Any iconic photographs? I’m thinking of that picture of little Caroline sitting next to her dad on his sailboat, or that picture of her posing with uncle Ted and his first wife – you know, the one where young Caroline is propping up Joan from the back so she doesn’t keel over from too many vodka gibsons.
Demi: There are some very impressive pictures of Brian and his family on the Web site, but nothing, ah, like you say, that’s “iconic.”
Tom: How about connections to the entertainment sector? Anybody write any hit songs about Brian Higgins, like Neil Diamond wrote “Sweet Caroline” about Ms. Kennedy?
Demi: I’ve heard a couple of limericks about him, but no hit songs, I’m afraid.
Tom: Is Brian by any chance president of any important foundations?
Demi: Not really.
Tom: Is he chairperson of any arts organizations, like Caroline is honorary chairwoman of the American Ballet Theater?
Demi: Does the Buffalo Accordion Society count?
Tom: Not exactly.
Demi: How about the Burchfield-Penny Arts Center?
Tom: No, not that, either.
Demi: Okay, then, he isn’t.
Tom: Has he written any books?
Demi: He’s working on one.
Tom: Now, that sounds promising. What kind of book?
Demi: It’s about a U.S. Representative from, um, Pennsylvania, who gets appointed to the Senate, and… ah, there’s spies and FBI agents and all kinds of stuff like that, and a terrorist plot to take over the United Nations building in Manhattan and…
Tom: How far along is it?
Demi: He’s on… chapter three, I think, where the hero, Burton Hayes, has just been appointed to the House Committee on Ways and Means…
Tom: How long has he been working on it?
Demi: Oh, about six years.
Tom: And he’s up to chapter three?
Demi: He’s nearly done with that, though – only five more pages and he can start on chapter four.
Tom: Well, if it were ready now, it could possibly have some significant name recognition enhancement potential. Provided it’s an entertaining story, of course. What kind of literature does Representative Higgins prefer? Tom Clancy? John le Carré? Ian Fleming?
Demi: He likes to read the United States Tax Code.
Tom: Ah, I see. In that case, perhaps it would be best to consider something else.
Demi: Now that you mention it, that probably would be prudent.
Tom: So, let’s move on, then – does he have any interesting personal symbols, like JFK’s rocking chair?
Demi: I think he’s got a Barcalounger.
Tom: Not quite the same. Has he ever done any dramatic crime fighting, like JFK and RFK taking on the Mafia?
Demi: The Mafia left Buffalo over twenty years ago, Mr. Collins. There’s no money there anymore. Brian makes speeches and votes on bills a lot; but the crime fighting stuff, not so much. Some of those bills must be about crime, of course, and I’m sure he’s against it.
Tom: All right, let’s talk about Representative Higgins’ legislation, then – any bold social initiatives, like JFK and civil rights?
Demi: Well, he made FEMA draw a new map of the Buffalo Flood Plain.
Tom: I see. How about a fantastic, totally incredible sex life – affairs with movie stars, that sort of thing, like JFK and Marilyn Monroe?
Demi: No way, Mr. Collins. Mary Jane would never let him gallivant around that way! The first time she even heard about anything along those lines, it’d be like, “snip, snip” and up in a jar on the mantelpiece with them.
Tom: Understood. Then I don’t suppose he gets any “vitamin shots” from a “special physician,” like JFK did?
Demi: Representative Higgins told me his doctor says if you follow a normal diet, then you get all the vitamins you need from the food you eat.
Tom: Okay – has he ever been found wandering around in a daze, hours after driving a car with a pregnant female employee off a bridge?
Demi: Absolutely not! Brian Higgins is an honest, decent, caring person who respects women and obeys the law, and under no circumstances would he engage in any actions that would even give the appearance of impropriety, illegality, sexual harassment, nepotism or hypocrisy.
Tom: Really? You’re sure?
Demi: I’m positive, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Then what on earth, if you don’t mind my asking, makes him think he’s suited for the United States Senate?
Demi: I understand what you’re saying, Mr. Collins, and I concede that he doesn’t fit in all that well in the House of Representatives, either, but I’m sure you would agree that someone who has served six years on the Buffalo City Council, another six years in the New York State Assembly and who has just been re-elected to his third term in Congress is much better qualified to be the junior senator from New York than somebody who just happens to be the daughter of John Fitzgerald Kennedy.
Tom: Of course, but there are other factors I’m sure Governor Paterson will be forced to consider.
Demi: Such as what, may I ask?
Tom: Such as how much money that person can raise for the Democratic Party. And I’m sure you’ll agree that Caroline Kennedy beats Representative Higgins on that point, hands down, even though Caroline’s never even held an elected post in the PTA.
Demi: Yes, well, I suppose that’s true, Mr. Collins. But what can Brian do about that?
Tom: There’s only one thing he can do – increase his name recognition until it’s competitive with Caroline Kennedy’s, and do it fast!
Demi: Oh, my God, how?
Tom: The only way to get the required name recognition before Hillary Clinton is confirmed as Secretary of State and Governor Paterson appoints Caroline Kennedy to her vacant Senate seat is for your boss to make multiple television appearances on at least Oprah Winfrey, The View, The Tonight Show and David Letterman – and preferably several other similar high-profile television talk show venues – plus, get interviewed on CNN and Fox News at least twice each – all as soon as possible.
Demi: But Mr. Collins, what could Brian Higgins ever do to get booked for so much major television exposure?
Tom: He can do any of the following three things: one, he can invent a new rapid weight-loss plan called “The Capitol Hill Diet”; two, he can write a self-help book entitled “How to Stop Hating Yourself and Get Elected to Congress Instead;” or, three, he can pen a weepy series of magazine articles presenting his tell-all confession to a secret love affair with a pair of brave and indomitable bisexual vegan animal-rights activists who shall remain anonymous.
Demi: I don’t think Mary Jane would go for Choice Number Three, actually.
Tom: Well, we don’t want to move Brian or his wife too far out of either of their comfort zones, of course. But I’d advise you present all three recommendations for them to consider – you might be surprised. Besides, after all, it’s not like you came up with them – if Mary hits the ceiling at the suggestion that Brian might get it on with a couple of hot babes who suck his toes to make him stop wearing leather shoes, you can always blame the idea on me.
Demi: You won’t mind?
Tom: No problem. It comes with the territory, you know.
Demi: Okay, I’ll get these proposals right over to Mr. Higgins.
Tom: Good. Tell him to decide on one and let me know what it is as quickly as possible. I’ll have his selection ready within four hours.
Demi: But – how is that possible?
Tom: Because all three deliverables are already prepared and ready to go, formatted as Open Office documents. The diet plan will only require a pass with Search and Replace and the personal anecdotes in the self-help book will need some tweaking so as to be consistent with Higgins’ life story. The tell-all confessional series is written in the first person, so that would take an hour, tops, for me to customize the text so it looks like it’s your boss who’s doing all that dramatic confessing. So – in exchange for fifty percent of the royalties and fees paid to me, Representative Higgins can take credit for sole authorship of his choice and, I might add, quite legitimately and legally keep the other half of the proceeds from it for himself.
Demi: How long have you had these documents ready?
Tom: Oh, several months, I guess. I prepared them in my spare time.
Demi: But how did you know my boss was going to need them? How did you know I was going to call and ask you for help?
Tom: Well, I didn’t, really. I just figured that someday, somebody would contact me with a problem I could solve with them. You see, I realized a couple of years ago that these kinds of ghost-writing opportunities present themselves pretty regularly to a person in my line of work. And I figured that a new diet plan, a how-to self-help book and a sexy, serialized tell-all confessional piece with bisexual women in it were sure to prove useful eventually. So I simply concocted three general versions, assuming that customizing any one of them for a particular client would be quick and easy, once the required particulars were known.
Demi: Well, I’ll be honest with you, Mr. Collins, I’m… extremely… disappointed that Mr. Higgins will only get to choose one of them.
Tom: Really? Why?
Demi: Because, frankly, I’m dying to read all three of them, that’s why! And since I just realized that, no matter which one Brian selects, there’s going to be two others I will never get to read, I’m Jonesing really, really bad…
Tom: What? Despite the fact that you know they’re not genuinely sincere and their content is as generic as supermarket-brand cornflakes?
Demi: I don’t care! That doesn’t matter! Every single one of those, no matter who writes it, is total hokum – I know that! But I also know that I need to hit the Self Help, Diet Plan and Confessional stacks down at Barnes and Noble right away, or I’m going to start screaming and tearing my hair out!
Tom: So, you agree that my plan can be an effective method for Representative Higgins to gain sufficient name recognition quickly enough to make him a viable contender for appointment to Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat in a contest against Caroline Kennedy?
Demi: Yes, yes, oh God, yes, and I’ll be sure to tell Mr. Higgins all about it just as soon as I get back from the book store!
Tom: Great! Thanks for calling. Enjoy the holidays and…
Demi: Yeah, yeah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and all that – goodbye!