Yesterday afternoon around two, Gretchen told me she had received an inquiry from somebody on Capitol Hill regarding my availability for an appointment later in the day. “They were really rushed and sounded kind of confused,” she related, “but when I told them you had three-thirty through five open, they said make it for three-thirty, then.”
But three-thirty came and went, and nobody called. I waited the obligatory fifteen minutes and then started reading the BBC Web site. Around ten minutes past four, the phone on my desk rang. “I have Senator Harry Reid on Line One,” Gretchen announced.
Reid: Yes, what do you want?
Tom: Excuse me?
Reid: Who the hell is this?
Tom: This is Tom Collins.
Reid: Yeah, all right, okay, then, I know who you are – why did you call me?
Tom: I didn’t, sir; you called me.
Reid: Oh, [expletive]! Wait a minute. Can you hold?
Tom: No problem.
Another five minutes passed. Finally, Reid got back on the line.
Reid: Hello, is this Tom Collins?
Tom: Yes, Senator Reid, this is he.
Reid: Oh, good. Sorry about the mix-up there, Tom. It’s a mad house up here at the moment – everybody’s running around like an army of one-armed monkeys trying to transcribe the Congressional Record with an infinite number of typewriters on huge scrolls of wallpaper or something…
Tom: I understand, Senator; things can get pretty hectic in Washington sometimes. What can I do for you?
Reid: Ah, that – yeah; look, Tom, the reason for all this commotion is, we can’t agree on what to do about Roland Burris!
Tom: The former Illinois Attorney General who was recently appointed to fill Barack Obama’s Senate seat?
Reid: Yeah, yeah, of course! That Roland Burris! I mean really, how many other guys are there named Roland Burris, anyway?
Tom: Well, Senator, there’s an actor named Roland Burris, another gentleman by that name runs a construction company in Arizona, there’s a third one who’s a sheriff in Louisiana…
Reid: Really? Anybody named “Roland Burris” who lives in Illinois and isn’t the former state Attorney General?
Tom: Actually, until late December, there was – an 85 year old guy in Newton, Illinois. He died on Christmas eve, though.
Reid: Too bad. If he was still alive, maybe we could offer the job to him.
Tom: I agree, Senator – if the late Roland Burris of Newton were still with us, that would serve the Roland Burris who’s making life tough for you at the moment and Governor Blagojevich right.
Reid: Yeah, that Blagojevich is one damn sneaky [expletive] son of a [expletive], that’s for sure.
Tom: Too bad it wouldn’t be constitutional.
Reid: Constitutional? Tell me about it! Ever since Blagojevich announced he was going to refuse resignation, we’ve been busting our [expletive] trying to come up with something to keep any potential Blagojevich senate appointees out of here.
Tom: Because of his taint?
Reid: Well, there’s that too, of course – I hear his has a pretty nasty case of warts. But mostly, it’s because he’s been arrested by the Justice Department and charged with a whole laundry list of illegal activities, including sale of Obama’s position in the Senate to the highest bidder.
Tom: So it isn’t really about Roland Burris, then?
Reid: Not entirely, no. As my dear friend and colleague, Dick Durbin put it, this is about whether the governor of the state, who has been accused of trying to sell the Senate seat, made the appointment in an honest, fair and legal way.
Tom: So it could have been pretty straightforward. If, for example, Blagojevich had appointed Jesse Jackson, Jr., to fill Obama’s seat in the Senate…
Reid: Oh, yeah, right – exactly. JJ Junior is “Senate Candidate #5.” It’s alleged his emissaries offered up to a million dollars in exchange for the appointment. That would have been a slam dunk.
Tom: But Blagojevich was too shrewd for that. Instead of appointing somebody whom the FBI can prove was negotiating with him for the Senate seat before he was arrested, he selected a person whose only connection to him is a few small campaign contributions, no greater than those paid by hundreds of other loyal Illinois Democrats – a thoroughly respectable, decent, honest, uncorrupted politician…
Reid: And you got to hand it to Blagojevich – finding one of those in Illinois is like looking for a needle in a haystack!
Tom: No doubt about it, Senator – say what we might, that Rod Blagojevich is one slick, crafty devil.
Reid: No kidding. We had everybody lined up like Marines on the parade ground until Blagojevich threw a lug wrench into the works by appointing a black man. As soon as he did that, our phalanx had more holes in it than a pricey Emmentaler. Prominent blacks from all over started yelling that having another African American in the Senate is much more important than showing the world how intensely the US Congress despises Rod Blagojevich for acting like… like…
Tom: For acting like the governor of Illinois?
Reid: Not exactly. We despise him…
Tom: … for what he did, right?
Reid: Well, actually, we despise him for getting caught, but it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other now.
Tom: Sure. Have you fully considered the implications and vulnerabilities with respect to the fact that Mr. Burris is, apparently, not entirely in possession of a full set of marbles?
Reid: What do you mean?
Tom: For starters, the guy’s already had his tomb stone monument prepared! It’s standing in the Oak Woods Cemetery on the South Side of Chicago, and bears the inscription “Trail Blazer,” followed by a list of his achievements, with plenty of blank space left on it for more.
Reid: You’re right, Tom, that does sound a trifle… eccentric, to say the least.
Tom: And did you hear about what he said today?
Reid: I heard he said he’s coming to Washington and expects to be seated in the Senate, if that’s what you mean.
Tom: I suppose what I meant has less to do with what he said and more to do with how he said it.
Reid: Which was how, specifically?
Tom: When he spoke today, he spoke in the plural first person.
Reid: You mean, as if he were royalty, a newspaper editor…
Tom: … or a person with tapeworm; yes. It was “We are the senator… and we are proceeding very diplomatically, and we are proceeding with all concern about not creating any type of circus that will entertain the media,” and so forth.
Reid: Oh, Jesus! I hadn’t heard about that yet. So – picking a black guy wasn’t enough mischief for him; now I find out that the guy Blagojevich picked is nuts, too. What a mess!
Tom: How about the Illinois Secretary of State, Jesse White? He refused to sign off on Burris’ appointment didn’t he?
Reid: Yeah, but our counsel here say that under Illinois law, Burris doesn’t really need White’s signature to assume Obama’s vacant Senate seat.
Tom: So you can’t necessarily use White’s refusal as a convenient pretext to sidestep the whole issue?
Reid: Right, and I sure as hell wish we could, too, but no dice. Burris – all of him, or them, as the case may be, is headed for Washington and, from what I hear, expects to be sworn in as the junior senator from Illinois when the 111th Congress convenes on Tuesday.
Tom: So what’s your fallback position?
Reid: At first, we thought maybe we could keep Burris out of the Senate by using Article 1, Section 5 of the US Constitution, which states that “… each house shall be the judge of the elections, returns and qualifications of its own members.” But our lawyers tell me there’s nothing in that clause about appointments, and that the Supreme Court will probably say that the Framers intended that provision to function as a bulwark against seating senators and representatives who benefit from fraudulent elections.
Tom: But what about that “qualifications” requirement?
Reid: Dead on arrival, I’m afraid. The broadest interpretation we could manage merely echoes the qualifications stated in Article 1, Section 3, which says a person has to be at least thirty-five years old, a US citizen for at least nine years, and a legal resident of the state they represent. So, unfortunately, Burris has all the qualifications required by the Constitution.
Tom: I don’t suppose there’s any chance of the Illinois legislature impeaching Blagojevich before next Tuesday?
Reid: Burris’ side made sure of that by filing a lawsuit concerning the impeachment that can’t be heard by an Illinois court until next Wednesday.
Tom: Damn, that Burris is just as slick as his buddy Blagojevich. Letter of the law and all that…
Reid: You have to give them credit, no doubt about it. Looks like Burris is every bit the shifty, scheming, Machiavellian rascal that Blagojevich is.
Tom: Hmm. In that case, he sounds like he’d fit in pretty well with a bunch of other shifty, scheming, Machiavellian rascals. Have you considered welcoming him with open arms?
Reid: Yes, we have, but the consensus is that if we did, it would be an admission that the Senate is nothing but a bunch of shifty, scheming, Machiavellian rascals.
Tom: Which has, as I am sure you are well aware, been pretty much common knowledge since Mark Twain made that observation, shortly before the invention of electric light.
Reid: Let me tell you something, Tom – it’s one thing for everybody to generally suspect something about Congress and quite another for Congress to unequivocally demonstrate it in public.
Tom: Takes all the fun out of things, eh?
Reid: Absolutely. No matter what everybody already knows about Congress, we can’t let them have the satisfaction of us openly admitting it.
Tom: Okay, I’ll buy that argument for a dollar, Senator, but how about we explore the rest of the Constitution for a solution? Try this on for size, how about – you let him in, but you only give him three-fifths of a vote.
Reid: Three-fifths of a vote?
Tom: It’s right there, Senator, in Article 1, Section 2.
Reid: But that was clearly repealed by the thirteenth, fourteenth and fifteenth amendments!
Tom: Well, there you go – argue that Article 1, Section 2 set such a powerful precedent, it took three amendments to repeal it.
Reid: That’s like an attorney whose client has murdered his parents pleading for mercy because the defendant is an orphan!
Tom: Yes, it is. And so?
Reid: I don’t know, Tom, I just don’t think I can get a majority of today’s Democrats to do that to another Democrat.
Tom: Oh, so you would do it – to a Republican?
Reid: Sure – in a New York minute. But we’re very close to a bullet-proof, cloture-sized two thirds majority in the Senate right now, and we can’t risk making any members of our coalition irreconcilably angry at something the Senate leadership does.
Tom: But hey, wait a minute here. I’ve heard that you’re considering allowing Burris to come to Washington and set up shop as if he were a senator – staff, office space, slot on the Senate Web site, the works, except that he will have no vote at all.
Reid: That’s true, Tom. What you just described is indeed something that we’re considering.
Tom: And no vote is better than three-fifths of a vote?
Reid: In as much as giving Burris three-fifths of a vote is a bigger insult than giving him no vote at all…
Tom: I think you better ask Eleanor Holmes Norton about that. I bet she’d like to get even half a vote in the House of Representatives. Anyway, why not give Burris the Norton treatment, at least? No vote on the Senate floor, but he gets to sit on some Senate committees and vote there.
Reid: I don’t know, treating him the way the House treats Eleanor Holmes Norton might appear to legitimize him too much.
Tom: So what you really want to do is discredit Burris to the maximum amount possible without insulting him?
Reid: Right.
Tom: Because insulting him would make the Senate Democratic leadership look racist?
Reid: More or less, yeah.
Tom: Okay, in that case, why don’t you just have the Senate Sergeant at Arms arrest Burris the moment he sets foot on the Senate floor and lock him up in that jail Congress has down in the basement under the Capitol building?
Reid: Arrest him? For what?
Tom: I don’t know – make something up! How about “disrupting Congress?”
Reid: “Disrupting Congress?” What the hell is that?
Tom: You’re the lawmaker – you tell me. It’s your own little medieval fiefdom up there on the Hill, isn’t it? The Capitol Police work for you, don’t they, and not the Executive Branch, right?
Reid: Um, yeah, that’s correct, Tom. They do work for us. And we members of Congress do, indeed, make the laws…
Tom: And it has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? “Disrupting Congress.” Sounds pretty dire, too.
Reid: Sure does.
Tom: And isn’t that what Blagojevich and Burris are really up to with all this Byzantine nonsense of theirs – disrupting Congress for their own selfish ends?
Reid: Yeah, I suppose so.
Tom: But Blagojevich, at least, has the common sense not to travel all the way to Washington and set foot on the Capitol grounds, doesn’t he?
Reid: I guess that’s right.
Tom: He doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude to come here and disrupt effective and efficient operation of our country’s legislature himself, so he sends a dupe – a fellow conspirator – to do it for him instead.
Reid: And we arrest that other conspirator and lock him up in the Capitol jail for disrupting Congress?
Tom: Precisely. Then announce that Burris is staying in the poky until the Illinois legislature either impeaches and convicts governor Blagojevich or acquits him with full gubernatorial powers, including appointment of vacant United States Senate seats. Think about it – here’s this guy who’s a life member of the NAACP, a trustee of Goodwill Industries, Chairman of the National Association of Attorneys General Civil Rights Commission, a Jaycee, a Mason and a Boy Scout – locked up in a cell in the basement of the Capitol because evil, lying, corrupt Governor Blagojevich refuses to admit how evil, dishonest and corrupt a governor he really is! It seems to me a situation like that ought to light a fire under some butts, including Barack Obama’s!
Reid: Sounds a bit extreme, but who knows, it may come to that. I’ll say this for it – at least it’s a course of action instead of a lot of blathering, which is what I’ve been putting up with around here about this mess all damn week. Thanks for your input, Tom.
Tom: You’re welcome. But don’t bother sending me a check for this consultation, though.
Reid: Okay, I guess. May I ask why not?
Tom: Because I figure, if you don’t implement any of my suggestions to resolve these absurd circumstances, then I don’t deserve payment for devising them; and, on the other hand, if you do, just watching what happens will be more than adequate compensation.
Reid: Sounds fair enough to me, Tom.
Tom: Very well then, Senator. Have a nice day.
Reid: You, too.