Cerise had to travel out of town this weekend on business, so Thursday night, she gave me a very memorable goodbye. And Veronica, having found another likely prey item, is in Rome for the next eight days, during which, I am sure, she will relieve him of a suitable fee for her companionship. So it was just me and Twinkle, hanging out at the old homestead in Great Falls, Virginia, today, where, after a light lunch of Chesapeake shad roe wrapped in ultra thin sliced alder wood smoked Breton sea salt cured organic Smithfield bacon, fern fiddleheads in goat butter and saffroned Basmati rice with morels in fenugreek and dill, I whipped up an Ethiopian pea cherry shade-grown arabica extra dark roast cappuccino with grass fed half-and-half and a shot of Frangelico, then proceeded to peruse the latest editions of Harpers, The Atlantic Monthly and Scientific American. Twinkle took the opportunity to settle into my lap and begin purring like a tiny feline Ferrari at a midnight stoplight. “Nice, nice,” she declared between purrs.
Well, we all know what you should do with moments like that – enjoy the hell out of them, because they never last very long. I got about twenty minutes, for which, considering the continuing worldwide misery of the human condition, I suppose I should be grateful. Then my telephone rang, and one look at Caller ID convinced me that I couldn’t let it roll over into voice mail.
“Bad toy,” Twinkle complained, referring to the telephone, as she indignantly hopped out of my lap and curled up in a patch of sunshine on the other side of the living room. “Toy sucks.” Well, even though she only has a brain the size of a walnut, I often think Twinkle displays more common sense than most of the people I know. But here in Washington, if the Chairman of the Republican National Committee calls you on a Saturday afternoon, you’re expected to consider that a compliment.
Tom: Good afternoon, Chairman Steele.
Steele: Who… what… uh… is this Tom Collins?
Tom: Yes, sir.
Steele: Um… ah… I hope I’m not disturbing you, what with it being Saturday afternoon and all.
Tom: Oh, no, Mr. Chairman, don’t worry about it. I’m complimented.
Steele: As you damn well should be. I’m Chairman of the Republican National Committee.
Tom: Of course, sir. How can I help you?
Steele: Well, for starters, you can tell me what the [expletive] is wrong with the Republican Party these days.
Tom: I’m not exactly sure where to start, sir. That’s an extremely broad subject.
Steele: You’re [expletive] telling me!
Tom: But to address the subject historically, it appears that the current predicament has its roots in the Goldwater movement of the 1960’s, which…
Steele: [Expletive] [expletive] Barry Goldwater!
Tom: You know, sir, my mother thought very highly of him. I bet she probably still does. “Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice,” and all that…
Steele: Barry Goldwater can go eat [expletive] and die, for all I care, [expletive] God damn it!
Tom: Mr. Chairman, Senator Goldwater is already dead.
Steele: He is?
Tom: Yes, sir. He died in 1998. And while eating [expletive] is a ubiquitous habit among members of the United States Civil Service, I’m virtually certain Senator Goldwater never, ever took even a single bite.
Steele: I… he… okay, look… I’m sorry I said that. You have to understand, I’ve been under a lot of stress.
Tom: Really? Why?
Steele: What do you mean, “why?” Don’t you read the papers?
Tom: I subscribe to The Washington Post, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and a number of limited circulation newsletters as well, Mr. Chairman. But none of them have run any articles on what makes Michael Steele’s job stressful. Can you tell me what the cause is?
Steele: Oh, I don’t know… I can’t put my finger on it, exactly.
Tom: Well, based on my experience, I’d say that determining the cause of your extreme stress is vital to solving your problems. Do you suppose your high level of stress is due to the fact that two thirds of registered Republicans believe that the Party has no clear leader?
Steele: No, I don’t think so.
Tom: Is it caused by the humiliation of having to publicly apologize to a big, fat, drug-addled, bigoted fascist moron blowhard fabulist windbag like Rush Limbaugh for remarks that you made about him, which, if considered objectively, were actually quite rational, constructive criticisms?
Steele: No. Did I hear you call him a “fabulous windbag,” just now?
Tom: No, sir, I called Rush Limbaugh a “fabulist,” which means I think he’s a vicious, habitual, pathological, irresponsible, virulent and completely unprincipled liar.
Steele: Well, that’s his job, isn’t it? I mean, you can’t blame a man for making a living, can you?
Tom: No, Mr. Chairman, one certainly can’t, and, moreover, I would be the first to admit that Rush Limbaugh is the best, most talented and most popular bigoted fascist moron blowhard fabulist windbag in all of modern media. And I would also hasten to add that, with competition like Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter and Bill O’Reilly around, becoming the best, most talented and most popular bigoted fascist moron blowhard fabulist windbag in all of modern media is a truly remarkable accomplishment.
Steele: A very valuable asset to the Republican Party voter base, that man Limbaugh is.
Tom: Indubitably. Is your terrible stress, then, because the Democrats howl with derisive laughter when they hear the first black Chairman of the Republican Party say “bling-bling,” and “off da hook?”
Steele: Yo, I ain’t down with no crunk playa haters in no Democratic Party. They be trippin’, know what I’m sayin’? Dat not me, dat be dey own crazy ill box; like we say in da ‘hood back in Baltimore, dey crab cakes. You in da house widdat?
Tom: Fo’ shizzle, Mr. Chairman, that be deck with me. So is it the rank and file Republican reaction to those recent comments about abortion you made during an interview with GQ Magazine?
Steele: I think I made it clear that I’m pro-life, that I always have been, and that I always will be.
Tom: Very well, sir, but how does that square with your remark in the GQ interview that abortion is an “individual choice?”
Steele: See, what I meant was, women these days have a choice, and we Republicans think they should choose life.
Tom: But the reason they have a any choice at all these days is that abortion has been legal since the Supreme Court issued Roe v. Wade.
Steele: That’s right, and it’s a big problem. So Republicans believe women these days should continue to make pro-life choices until we finally achieve our goal of taking away their ability to make any choices at all; and go back to forcing them to have the damn babies they got pregnant with by spreading their legs like Godless, moaning, panting, pleasure-drunken sluts in the first place.
Tom: So you’re saying that having a choice puts today’s women in a moral dilemma they shouldn’t have to be in, but as long as that’s the situation, they should always choose life?
Steele: Correct. For example, my mother made that choice – a very positive, life-affirming choice, in my opinion – when she decided to have me. If she could make that choice, then every American woman can make that choice.
Tom: But weren’t you born in 1958?
Steele: Yeah, on October nineteenth, at Andrews Air Force Base in Prince George’s County, Maryland.
Tom: So, in reality, your mother never actually made a choice.
Steele: Huh?
Tom: Abortion was illegal in Maryland in 1958. Your mother never had a choice about whether to give birth to you. The Supreme Court didn’t decide Roe v. Wade until January 22, 1973.
Steele: Mr. Collins! What are you doing? Those are facts! Don’t you know better than to inject facts into a polite conversation with a Republican? Great Americans like Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush worked for decades to make my beloved Republican Party what it is today – a party of faith, a party of gut feelings, a party of belief!
Tom: Sorry, I forgot how sensitive Republicans are about facts. No offense intended.
Steele: None taken.
Tom: So, are you all stressed out because of public reaction to your statement that you believe stem-cell research is comparable to Nazi death-camp experimentation?
Steele: Shucks! All I said was… I was talking to the Baltimore Jewish Council, right? And I told them, “Look, you of all folks know what happens when people decide they want to experiment on human beings, when they want to take your life and use it as a tool.” That’s all. And I apologized for it later, so I consider the matter closed, really.
Tom: And you’re okay with how the Party faithful took it when D.L. Hughley compared the 2008 Republican National Convention to Nazi Germany while you were appearing on his cable network TV show?
Steele: I figure another brother like D.L. has a right to say what he thinks, even if I don’t agree with him.
Tom: But you were right there on a split screen with him when he made that remark, and you said, “I agree.”
Steele: I said, “I agree” before Hughley said that Nazi thing. I was agreeing with a previous statement.
Tom: So it’s the proximity of the two statements that gave the impression you were endorsing Hughley’s assessment?
Steele: You could conclude that.
Tom: But weren’t the next words you uttered, after Hughley’s Nazi remark, “You’re right?”
Steele: I was saying I thought Hughley was right about something he said after the Nazi remark, okay? Something about the perception, not, I would hasten to point out, the actual Republican feeling, that the Party isn’t interested in what black Americans have to say. That’s what I think he was right about – that this perception exists, and that’s all.
Tom: So, in fact, the way you see it, you never responded to Hughley’s Nazi remark one way or the other?
Steele: Never did. Respond, that is.
Tom: Why not?
Steele: Well, obviously, I found his statement to be so outrageous, I didn’t think it deserved a response.
Tom: So you’re not stressed about the fallout from that incident, even though it got Hughley’s show canceled?
Steele: The brother’s got a constitutional right to say what he believes, Mr. Collins, but he doesn’t have a constitutional right to host a television show on CNN.
Tom: Good point, Mr. Chairman. So, are you stressed out because of all the tension down at RNC Headquarters? I understand that, as soon as you arrived, you fired over one hundred RNC employees.
Steele: The RNC is a political organization, Mr. Collins, not a charity.
Tom: Sure, and I’m certain even the Red Cross has to fire people once in a while. But, on the other hand, you’ve been RNC Chairman for weeks and you haven’t hired a finance director, a political director, a chief of staff or a chief counsel.
Steele: I don’t like to delegate.
Tom: You mean, you’re going to do all those jobs yourself?
Steele: I’m going to try it and see what happens. Then, after a couple of months, I will know exactly which staff positions need to be filled and exactly what each of them should do.
Tom: Is that wise? Maybe that’s the reason you’re under so much stress.
Steele: I… Mr. Collins, let’s just say that I’m a confirmed micro-manager.
Tom: Sir, it’s not humanly possible to micro-manage at the top executive level of any large organization.
Steele: It’s not?
Tom: No, it isn’t.
Steele: What makes you think so?
Tom: Mr. Chairman, there have been millions of hours of management research, conducted over three quarters of a century, devoted to span of control and delegation issues.
Steele: There have?
Tom: Mr. Chairman, although we can’t seem to agree on what’s causing your high levels of stress, before we pursue that question any further, could you tell me what problems you are experiencing that are sufficiently severe to merit calling me at home on a Saturday afternoon?
Steele: Oh, yeah, that – well, it’s… complicated. But first of all, I guess, a lot of people are demanding my resignation, and I can’t figure out why.
Tom: How about these various incidents and issues we’ve been discussing? Do you think it’s possible some of those things might be the reasons people are using to substantiate their claims you’re not suitable for the position of RNC Chairman?
Steele: But I’m black.
Tom: Yes, sir, you are.
Steele: I’m the first black chairman of a major political party in all of American history!
Tom: Actually, Ron Brown was Chairman of the Democratic National Committee.
Steele: Somebody named Ron Brown?
Tom: Yes, sir – he took office in February of 1989; over twenty years ago.
Steele: And he was black?
Tom: Yes. He was most definitely a person of color, Mr. Chairman.
Steele: Ah [expletive]! You tricked me into talking facts with you again!
Tom: Sorry, sir, dealing with facts is a hard habit to break.
Steele: Okay, okay, no biggie. Anyway, I’m black. There’s a fact for you. See? Two can play at that “facts” game! And I’ve got another one – there aren’t very many black people in the Republican Party. So, put those two facts together with the Republicans’ gut feeling that they might have done something stupid and got clobbered last November for it; plus their belief that Barack Obama will destroy the United States of America, then add in their unshakable faith that they are one hundred percent right about everything, and you’ve got a perfect storm!
Tom: Excuse me, Mr. Chairman?
Steele: Aw, come on, you know – a perfect sort of everything-happening-just-at-the-right-time-and-place kind of thing. I’ve got the job. And they can’t take it away from me now, because I’m black, and if they did, then tomorrow’s Republican Party would look even more racist than it does today.
Tom: That definitely makes sense, Mr. Chairman, but there’s something I don’t quite understand. If you’re that confident there’s no way two thirds of the 168 members of the RNC Executive Committee could possibly agree to vote you out of office, why do you even care what certain people say about you?
Steele: I guess it’s sort of a pride thing.
Tom: Remember that politics is a contact sport, Mr. Chairman.
Steele: No, no, I’m not saying they hurt my feelings. It’s just that… oh, I know this is going to sound kind of all nit-picky and stuff, but I don’t like the press going around talking about who the de facto head of the Republican Party is! I guess that’s what’s really bugging me, Mr. Collins. It seems to me, everybody ought to realize that I’m the de facto head of the Republican Party, and nobody else!
Tom: I see. Thanks for clearing that up, sir. But now, I fail to comprehend why you, who are the indisputable de jure head of the Republican Party, should care a fig one way or the other who the media pundits proclaim as the de facto head of the Republican Party.
Steele: “De jure?” Is that anything like “soup du jour?”
Tom: No, no, Mr. Chairman. “Du jour” is French. “De jure” is Latin. It means “concerning law.” You, sir, are the indisputable head of the Republican Party de jure, and that’s much, much superior to being the fickle media’s “de facto” head of the Republican Party, a title which changes every day, much like the soup du jour.
Steele: Much superior? How come?
Tom: Because, Mr. Chairman, the law, as we both know very well, is concerned with what society believes to be right and wrong; with what citizens feel should be allowed and prohibited; and, with society’s faith in the absolute nature of good and evil. And you see, Mr. Chairman, that’s what “de jure” is all about! It’s about belief, feelings and faith – the central paradigms of today’s Republican Party! And besides, you know what “de facto” means, don’t you?
Steele: Uh, what, exactly?
Tom: “Concerning the facts.”
Steele: Facts?
Tom: Facts.
Steele: Concerning facts?
Tom: If you will forgive me the social indiscretion of trafficking in facts while speaking with a Republican just one last time, sir, it’s a fact that “de facto” concerns… ahem… well… the facts.
Steele: [Expletive]! In that case, [expletive] that “de facto” [expletive]!
Tom: Quite right, sir. It’s much more desirable, and, I might add, appropriate for you to be the leader of the Republican Party de jure, Mr. Chairman.
Steele: Damnation! I feel better already; much better!
Tom: I can’t tell you how pleased I am to hear that, sir.
Steele: Yeah! [Expletive]-A! “Undisputed leader of the Republican Party de jure!” I [expletive] love the way it sounds!
Tom: Yes, sir. Go tell ‘em that and watch ‘em scatter like gang-bangers at a drive-by!
Steele: [Expletive] [expletive] [expletive]! You can’t beat that [expletive]! “De jure!” [Expletive]! Okay, man, solid. Thanks! Next time I need some more advice, my man Tom Collins is the first one I call!
Tom: Sure. Or you could make an appointment to visit my office downtown…
Steele: You charge money for that?
Tom: Well, actually, I usually bill for telephone consultations, too.
Steele: Uh, hey, look, what with the economy and [expletive], you know, and us Republicans not having that much clout anymore in Congress, the money’s kind of [expletive] up right now…
Tom: I see. Okay, then, it was a pleasure chatting with you, Mr. Chairman. Best of luck.
Steele: Uh, yeah, thanks. ‘Bye.