Pakistan’s Finest Geopolitical Mind to Visit Washington This Week

George Frideric Handel passed away two hundred and fifty years ago this April, and if you happen to be a Baroque music devotee, that’s more than enough of an excuse to do something special.  So it was that the Washington Bach Consort gave an excellent concert this afternoon at the Strathmore complex over in North Bethesda.  The master’s Water Music is, of course, de rigueur on such occasions, and the rendition was as stirring as Cerise and I had hoped.  Even more impressive, however, was the Consort’s performance of the Ode for St. Cecilia’s Day, a cantata based upon a poem by John Dryden concerning Pythagorean music theory.  The whole thing was so inspiring that, after the concert, we drove back to my home in Great Falls, Virginia and listened to Handel for hours, much to the delight of my cat Twinkle, who prefers Baroque music to nearly every other genre except Renaissance polyphony (her first words, as a matter of fact, were “nice, nice,” in response to an extended session of Palestrina).
Dinner was lasagne a la Baroque served with goat-butter and alder wood smoked sea salt braised morels with steamed fern fiddleheads in my own version of Hollandaise sauce accompanied by an Argentine Malbec, a red wine which I happen to like even though it’s not expensive.  Dessert was an intensely strong dark chocolate mousse I made myself from raw organic fair trade Guatemalan cocoa nibs, paired with some late 1980’s vintage Douro Valley port.  The true oenophiles who read this Web log, will, of course, require nothing of me; but I trust the Douro port will constitute proper redemption among the wine snobs for my sin of drinking Argentinian Malbec.
So around ten, we were snuggling on the couch, my head in Cerise’s lap and Twinkle perched on my abdomen, purring contentedly; all three of us transported to Elysian heights by Jussi Björling’s truly vintage performance of “Ombra mai fù” from Handel’s immortal opera, Xerxes.  Then the phone rang.  “No,” Twinkle protested as I gently lifted and placed her on the floor so I could sit up and examine the caller ID.     
It was Asif Ali Zardari.  “Sorry,” I apologized to Twinkle and Cerise, as I grabbed the receiver while turning down the music in the living room, “I have to take this.”
“Bad toy!” Twinkle hissed, meaning the telephone.  Cerise’s annoyed expression clearly indicated that she was none too pleased, either.
“It’s Asif Ali Zardari,” I explained.
“Who the hell is that?” Cerise demanded.
Covering the receiver, I explained.  “He’s the president of Pakistan!”
Cerise rolled her eyes.  “Oh, boy.  Come on, Twinkle, we’ll listen to Handel in the den.”  The two of them sauntered off – their attitudes clearly demonstrating the Bard’s assessment of females scorned.  That’s why I’m up late on a Sunday writing this blog post, actually – my girlfriend and my cat are still annoyed with me for interrupting our quality time with Handel to consult with a client.  But what could I do?  Should they make contact by telephone, you don’t tell heads of state to call back later.  It simply isn’t done:

Tom: Hello, Mr. President.
Zardari: Mr. Tom Collins, I presume?
Tom: Yes, it is I, Your Excellency.
Zardari: Very good.  And how are you this morning?
Tom: Mr. President, it is shortly after ten o’clock Sunday evening here in Washington, DC, where I am.
Zardari: Really?  How strange!  I thought it was twelve minutes past eight o’clock on Monday morning.
Tom: Where you are, in Islamabad, Pakistan, Your Excellency, that is, in fact, the correct date and time.
Zardari: But it is still yesterday where you are?
Tom: Indeed it is, Mr. President.
Zardari: Oh, my goodness!  Is it like that everywhere, then?
Tom: Well, yes, and no, Your Excellency.  Right now, it’s about twelve minutes after three o’clock on Monday morning in London, for example, while, on the other hand, it’s about twelve minutes past four in the afternoon on Sunday in Honolulu, Hawaii.
Zardari: Dear me, I must say, that is a most terribly confusing state of affairs.  One would most assuredly think, in this day and age, we could do better than that! 
Tom: Quite so, sir, but alas, there remain some things which even modern technology cannot rectify.  But be that as it may, Your Excellency, how can I help you?
Zardari: Ah, well, I suppose first of all, since I am leaving very soon for Washington to meet with your President Obama and President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan, what time and day should I expect when I arrive?
Tom: Well, your Excellency, as I recall, it takes between nineteen and twenty-one hours for a jet aircraft to fly direct from Pakistan to the east coast of the United States, allowing for a stop to refuel in a suitable location along the way, such as Qatar.  So, assuming you leave Islamabad at noon on Tuesday, May 5th, it would take between nineteen and twenty-one hours for you arrive in Washington, which would work out to between seven and nine a.m. on Wednesday, May 6th in Islamabad, which, when you arrive in Washington, would be between nine and eleven p.m. on Tuesday, May 5th.
Zardari: So even if I were to sit in the airplane for twenty-one hours, it would only take eleven hours for me to get there?
Tom: No, Mr. President, it would take twenty-one hours.  You see, sir, eleven p.m. in Washington, DC isn’t exactly the same as eleven p.m. in Islamabad.
Zardari: It’s not?
Tom: No, sir.  Eleven p.m. in Washington comes ten hours later than eleven p.m. in Islamabad.
Zardari: So eleven p.m. isn’t the same here as it is… oh, dear, now I am more lost, I am afraid, than I was when I asked you to begin with.  Perhaps I should give President Karzai a call, then.  He’s traveled to Washington a lot.
Tom: I don’t know if that would be a good idea.
Zardari: Really?  Why not?
Tom: Afghanistan is on standard time.
Zardari: And time in Pakistan is not standard?
Tom: No, not at the moment.  So talking to President Karzai about it might, in fact, do very little to lower your level of confusion.  Tell you what – do you know the pilot of the aircraft that will convey you to Washington?
Zardari: Yes, yes, I dare say.  He’s a colonel in the Pakistani Air Force.  Splendid fellow.
Tom: Ask him to explain it.
Zardari: Okay, that I will surely do, as you suggest.  Now, about the Taliban – we’ve been very accommodating with them, but it doesn’t seem to be coming to any good at all, no, not in the least.  This February, we agreed to the establishment of a Sharia appeals court, the Darul Qaza, in the province of Swat, but afterwards, instead of behaving themselves, the Taliban invaded the Bruner district, and now they’re in complete control of territory less than one hundred kilometers from Islamabad.  On top of that, they’ve taken to looting banks and stuffing vehicles full of explosives.
Tom: Pardon me, Your Excellency, but wasn’t part of the Taliban’s package of demands a condition that Sufi Muhammad, the well-known Pakistani cleric, be consulted as to the establishment of the Darul Qaza?
Zardari: Well, it’s true, we did agree to that, and I will admit that Sufi Muhammad proved very useful in the peace negotiations that lead to the cease-fire in the Malakand region this February.  But then, when we asked him to mediate a truce with the Taliban in Swat, I think the whole thing went to his head.  You should have seen him, strutting about in his collection of brand-new silk turbans!  Then he’s running around in designer glasses, and after that, custom contacts, no less; and getting manicures, plus, lately he’s been showing off in a fancy Benz, complete with a driver.  They say he even got a personal trainer!  I tell you, Mr. Collins, after that Malakand cease-fire, you simply couldn’t talk to the man anymore.  Then, last month, he holds a press conference and says that we, the Pakistani government, are stalling!  Us?  Who is that scraggly, snaggle-toothed, smelly old bastard kidding?  He jerked us around like donkeys on a rope, I tell you, and then he turns around and says we are stalling!  Our guys show up for a meeting, they wait for two hours, then his assistant calls on the cell phone – not even him, mind you, but his bloody assistant – and says sorry, but Sufi Muhammad has an urgent meeting with Maulana Fazlullah, followed by a big Taliban after-party, so can we reschedule for tomorrow at three?  Well, who’s the government of Pakistan here, anyway, I ask you?  I mean, can you believe such effrontery?  Then, on April 19, what does he do?  He says the Sharia courts can’t be over-ruled by Pakistani appeals courts because “democracy is un-Islamic!”  Then he calls for the jiziya – a tax on everybody in Pakistan who isn’t a Moslem, and welcomes Osama bin Laden to come and pay a friendly visit to Swat!  What, Mr. Collins, what is this guy trying to do?” 
Tom: Not to put too fine a point on it, Your Excellency, but I think it’s obvious that he’s attempting to discredit the legitimacy of the incumbent Pakistani government by making you all look, um… foolish.
Zardari: Gee, do you really think so?
Tom: Yes.  If the Taliban succeed in making the government in Islamabad look ah, shall we say, silly, then that empowers them while undermining your authority.
Zardari: If that is so, it’s truly a lamentable shame, you know, because frankly, he seemed like a pretty nice guy to begin with.  Oh, dear… can you hold on a minute?
Tom: Certainly, Mr. President.
[Two minutes and thirty eight seconds elapse.]
Zardari: That was Rehman Malik, Pakistani Minister of the Interior.  He called to inform me that the Swat Taliban have just kidnapped two Pakistani government officials in the village of Khuwaza Kheil.  Mr. Collins, my primary concern with respect to my upcoming meetings in Washington is that if my government cannot reason with the Taliban, it will be necessary for us to fight them.
Tom: And, I take it, you wish to avoid that.
Zardari: Most certainly.
Tom: May I ask why?
Zardari: For the obvious reasons, of course.  It’s always better to reach a peaceful solution through diplomacy than it is to force one by means of violence.  And besides, those Taliban fellows, they’re just not cricket, if I do say so, and fighting them will hardly be a tiptoe through the tulips, no, not by any means; no piece of cake there, my friend.
Tom: I would say that, up to a point, Mr. President, your proposed course of action is definitely the most prudent.
Zardari: But, I take it, you are saying, not always?
Tom: If your adversary has already determined to make war upon you, and you continue to negotiate with them, diplomacy can be much worse than useless.
Zardari: Really?
Tom: Without a doubt, Your Excellency.  England learned that particular lesson during the 1930’s, when their Prime Minister, a Mr. Arthur Neville Chamberlain, insisted on pursuing diplomacy with the German National Socialist government, in hopes of attaining a peaceful resolution to various pressing issues in Europe.  The Germans also “jerked around” the English diplomats, just as the Taliban and their allies are doing with your representatives, and negotiated a considerable number of agreements, all of which they later violated.  In short, Mr. President, the National Socialists simply said one thing and then did another.  Furthermore, the failure of Mr. Chamberlain’s government to realize what was going on eventually lead to…  
Zardari: Oh, no, there goes the telephone again.  One moment please.
Tom: Certainly, Your Excellency.
[One minute and fifty-three seconds elapse.]
Zardari: Hello, Mr. Collins?  It seems that there are reports that the Swat Taliban broke the government-ordered curfew and sent armed patrols out last night.  Khushal Khan, the regional governor, has requested instructions.
Tom: I see.  What do you intend to tell him, Your Excellency?
Zardari: I intend to tell him to inform Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gillani and then let me know what he says.
Tom: Is that also how you plan on handling things when you get to Washington?
Zardari: You mean, will I have decision authority?  Will I have the power to make binding committments between Pakistan and the United States and between Pakistan and Afghanistan?
Tom: Yes.
Zardari: That is a very good question, one which, it now occurs to me, I will be positively sure to ask Prime Minister Gillani about right after I have discussed with my pilot how it is that time works with airplane trips.
Tom: A clear understanding of both will be vital to the success of your mission, Mr. President.
Zardari: Thank you for those insights, Mr. Collins.  On what other matters, in your opinion, should I be most thoroughly prepared prior to meeting with President Obama and President Karzai?
Tom: Well, I strongly suspect that if you have any information on the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, President Obama would very much appreciate your sharing it with him.
Zardari: Osama bin Laden?  Oh, no, no, no, Mr. Collins, nobody in the Pakistani government knows where he is.
Tom: Oh come now, Your Excellency, you surely can’t expect me to believe that even the ISI don’t know where bin Laden’s hiding out these days?
Zardari: If they do, they’re not saying.
Tom: You’re the president of Pakistan, and you can’t tell me for sure whether or not the ISI know the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden?
Zardari: To tell the truth, I’ve never actually asked them, but I’m sure, if the ISI knew, they would tell me.  After all, that’s something the president of Pakistan ought to know, isn’t it?  I mean, if the ISI knew where Osama bin Laden is, which I’m sure they don’t.  How about Karzai, then?
Tom: I would say that a comprehensive plan to introduce central governmental control over the North West Frontier Provinces readily comes to mind.
Zardari: Really?  That’s fantastic!  If he’s come up with one that will work, the man’s obviously some kind of genius who should get the next Nobel Peace Prize!
Tom: The NWFP are part of Pakistan, Your Excellency.  What I meant was, if perhaps you could…
Zardari: Hey, listen, we really don’t like the North West Frontier Provinces all that much, you know?  To tell the truth, they’re a complete pain in the neck most of the time.  So if Afghanistan would like to have them, maybe we can work some…  Excuse me, Mr. Collins, but I have another urgent telephone call.
Tom: Of course, Mr. President.
[Three minutes and nine seconds elapse.]
Zardari: That was Rehman Malik calling back.  The kidnapped officials have been found.
Tom: Well, that must have been an extremely harrowing experience, being kidnapped like that.  I certainly hope they managed to keep their heads during the ordeal.
Zardari: Ah, yes; well, not exactly. 
Tom: Excuse me, Your Excellency?
Zardari: It seems that their heads were found on one side of the road, and their bodies were found on the other.
Tom: In that case, please forgive my unfortunate choice of words just then.
Zardari: Certainly.  I’ve got to go now, but how about I give you a call when I visit Washington? 
Tom: That would be fine with me, Your Excellency.  Perhaps we could schedule a billable consultation…
Zardari: Oh, so this call is free, then?  Why, thank you so much, Mr. Collins…
Tom: Actually, I didn’t mean…
Zardari: Yes, yes, very good, very good.  Talk to you later.  ‘Bye.