My first consultation appointment today was a Dr. Millicent Raptor PhD, representing the United States Chamber of Commerce. “We’ve got a problem, Mr. Collins,” she brusquely informed me as she made herself comfortable on the couch by my office window.
“Problems are my stock in trade, Doctor Raptor,” I smoothly replied, “and solving them is what I do all day. Please expound, if you would. What‘s the Chamber’s problem?”
“Africa,” she declared.
“Goodness gracious – all of it?” I inquired.
“Well,” she conceded, “sub-Saharan Africa, anyway.”
“I see, Doctor,” I responded. “What about sub-Saharan Africa, specifically, is bothering the United States Chamber of Commerce, then?”
“Recently,” she related, “the United States Chamber of Commerce retained Baird’s Communications Management Consultants to conduct a study of the American business community with respect to its attitudes and perspectives relative to investment in sub-Saharan Africa.”
I considered the proposition for a protracted moment. “Okay,” I speculated at last, “let me speculate on that, if I may – your consultants conducted a competently constructed, highly organized, efficient and effective survey of major United States industrial entities.”
“They certainly did,” my guest confidently affirmed. “The study involved thirty major United States corporations, the majority of which were members of the US Fortune 100.”
“Ah,” I noted, “the best?”
“The best,” she nodded.
“The brightest?” I continued.
“The brightest,” she insisted.
“The cream, I dare say,” I dare said, “of the proverbial crop?”
“No, I don’t think so,” she corrected. “If they were a dairy product, they’d be a high alpine, grass raised, meadow flower finished, triple milk, soft ripened, white rind, eighty-five percent butterfat Morbier-style artisanal round cheese with a layer of Vesuvian volcanic ash running through the middle.”
“Simply the epitome; the zenith; yea, the very the apotheosis, as it were, of humanity,” I agreed, “as I meant to say.”
“Quite,” she agreed. “The undeniable epitome, the obvious zenith, yea, the very corporeal and palpable apotheosis of humanity, indeed.”
“The crown,” I ventured, “of Creation Itself.”
“No doubt about it,” Dr. Raptor confirmed, “Baird’s CMC went out and asked all the right questions from all the people who should know the right answers, if anyone does.”
“In that case,” I dryly requested, “having had your consultants survey the foremost examples of American business persons in a highly efficient, effective and organized manner, I presume you are… delighted with the resulting contract deliverables?”
Dr. Raptor adopted a jaded expression of sarcastic disdain. “Very funny, Mr. Collins. What are you, some kind of comedian?”
“Why yes, actually, I am,” I shot back, “and if you don’t believe me, read my World Wide Web Log sometime. Now, out with it, Doc – exactly what about this survey study report is chafing your butts down there at the United States Chamber of Commerce?”
At this point, Dr. Raptor engaged in a long, pregnant pause of her own. When it ended, she uncrossed her legs, stood up, walked over to my desk and leaned across it, right in my face. “The… problem… is… those… [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] reported… the [expletive]… truth!”
“No!” I exclaimed in horror. “How could that possibly be?”
“What are you asking me for;” she shouted, throwing her hands in the air with a theatrical flair, “if I [expletive] knew, I wouldn’t be here talking to you, would I?”
“Okay,” I sighed, “you’re certainly making sure I earn my pay today, Doc. Tell me, this Baird’s CMC – it’s not an American firm is it?”
“No,” she huffed as she strode back to the couch and resumed her seat, arms and legs crossed in clear vexation and a high state of anxiety, “it’s not.”
“So where’s it from?” I prodded.
“England,” she muttered. “Cwmfelinfach, Ynysddu, Newport, United Kingdom.”
“Wales?” I sputtered back. “Bloody Wales? Good Lord Almighty! Whatever possessed the United States Chamber of Commerce to hire a consulting firm from Wales? Have your employers no idea how hard-working, assiduous, thorough, scrupulous and honest the Welsh are?”
“Believe me, Mr. Collins,” she moaned, “we intend never to make that mistake again.”
“Okay,” I said, bracing myself for the worst. “Tell me what that report says, and spare nothing.”
She braced herself visibly before starting. “As you wish, Mr. Collins. The report says that US executives consider Africa to be only one of many possible destinations that American corporations consider for investment. It notes that investment is highly competitive, and many countries are vying to become the destination of choice for US capital. Consequently, Africa faces tough competition and huge hurdles to attract US investment. It goes on to say that global competition for American investment is extremely high, and countries from all regions showcase their advantages, align their offers to US needs, clamor for US attention, and invest in their own countries to attract additional US investment. Consequently, US corporations do not lack investment choices, and they rarely consider African nations, for a number of reasons. These include constant African chaos and unrest, and a distinct lack of active or aggressive efforts to attract US investment. It goes on to say that US corporations need a strong and specific draw, such as the pull of a large consumer market or a source of raw materials, to consider investment worthwhile, and that few, if any, sub-Saharan African nations have those critical capital investment attractions.”
“Jesus have mercy,” I interjected, overwhelmed by such an unabashed display of candor and frankness. “Those guys wouldn’t last ten minutes in a federal agency strategy meeting.”
“Tell me about it,” Dr. Raptor concurred, steeling herself to press on. “The survey reveals that five factors influence the decision of US corporations to invest in Africa. First, there’s the total absence of the Rule of Law; it simply does not prevail to the degree required to make Africa an attractive investment destination for US firms, and it applies across the board to corporate, societal, and criminal law. Secondly, there’s lack of market attraction. Africa just doesn’t offer a sufficiently large middle class of consumers or show consistent economic growth that could promise future market growth. Most African countries are small and have poor markets, and there are barriers to regional markets — such as taxes and the freedom of movement of people and goods. According to the survey findings, American firms look at the spending power of a country, its political stability, and the corruption index; they refuse to proceed until they get the numbers they need. That brings on the third factor, that of risks versus rewards – US corporations universally consider the risk-adjusted rate of return when considering investments, and sub-Saharan Africa is no exception. And given the currently perceived risks in Africa, the rewards have to be very high to make it worthwhile to invest a single, thin Roosevelt dime. What’s more, that report tells the world – presently, US corporations say that there are very few visible promises of high future returns to justify significant interest in investing anything at all in Africa. Then there’s the fourth factor – the infrastructure totally sucks! Transportation, communications, power distribution, you name it, it sucks! And hardly anybody in sub-Saharan Africa is trained or educated enough to do anything useful in the twenty-first century, and the deliverable doesn’t mince any words about it, either! Plus, number five, the trade polices in most sub-Saharan countries eat ape excrement with a shovel, and furthermore…
“Wait a minute, that’s six!” I helpfully observed.
“Then six it is,” she yelled back defiantly. “Number Six, the report says African countries do a lousy job of delivering health services to the potential workforce.”
“Gee whiz,” I commented offhandedly, “if we Americans don’t do something about our own health care mess, it might not be long before we end up like that ourselves.”
“Mr. Collins,” she scolded, “I’ll thank you to keep your mind on the questions at hand.”
“Certainly,” I acquiesced.
“The conclusion,” Dr. Raptor intoned gravely, “is that overall, US businesses simply do not view Africa as an attractive place to invest. An environment of lawlessness, corruption, unstable government, inadequate infrastructure, uneducated labor, and an unwelcoming attitude toward foreign business amounts to an insurmountable deterrent!”
“No kidding?” I gently prodded.
“Serious as a heart attack,” she insisted. “They say that trying to do business in Africa is like playing Russian roulette! Planning for investment in Africa is fraught with uncertainty because the risks seem too high and the returns too inconclusive to merit significant capital allocation. Sometimes, companies find that they can’t even get money out of African countries after they’ve earned it! For instance, a US corporation can make money in Zimbabwe, but it can’t be repatriated back to America! And the corruption! The report is full of facts about corruption! Africa is rife with corruption and there’s not the least bit of political will anywhere to do anything about it!”
“Oh, right,” I remarked, “just like the United States Civil Service. Not that any sane CEO of a US corporation would invest in that, either.”
“If US businesses don’t ‘play the game,’ they can’t make a profit. Costs escalate without warning and for no apparent reason!”
“Sounds like the DC Government to me,” I observed.
“What,” she parried sarcastically, “are you saying that the Fourteenth Street Bridge goes from Virginia to Africa?”
“Not exactly…” I allowed, “… but something pretty close to that. You are familiar, I presume, with the Barry Administration?”
“Look,” she snorted, her temper glowing dull crimson just below her skin, “what the report tells the world is the story of opportunity cost calculation – US executives don’t believe they are at a competitive disadvantage because they aren’t investing in Africa, because with no competitive attraction, there’s no sense of a forgone opportunity. Furthermore, since Africa isn’t selling itself overtly by asking for investment, it doesn’t attract any. And, to add insult to injury, they said that only companies from China and India have the guts to invest there!”
“Which, in turn, makes the US Chamber of Commerce and the Fortune 100 look like a bunch of gutless wonders,” I concluded.
“Yeah,” she huffed, “I suppose you could put it that way.”
“Well,” I sympathized, “it’s easy to see why you and your colleagues at the US Chamber of Commerce are highly consternated concerning these Welsh consultants going out and actually determining the truth about issues that are of significant importance to you, and then having the unmitigated temerity to report the truth in such a bald and tactless manner.”
“You’re [expletive] right, we are,” she growled.
“But,” I pointed out, “there’s a simple and effective solution. You should do what every GS-15 or DoD general officer does when they get a report which contains inconvenient truths they don’t wish to hear – just file the damn thing somewhere appropriate and then forget about it.”
“Mr. Collins,” she seethed, “do you suppose, if we could have done that, I would be here talking to you this morning? We can’t just file it and forget it, for Christ’s sake! Those well-intentioned Welshmen put everything in digital format and posted it on www.usafricainvestment.com – the whole [expletive] ball of wax, [expletive] soup to [expletive] nuts, without telling us about it!”
“Harvey Krishnas!” I exclaimed. “What were they thinking?”
“Beats me!” Dr. Raptor started sniveling, and, as usual in such circumstances, I offered one of my Dior handkerchiefs.
“I am deeply and sincerely sorry, Doctor,” I consoled, as she accepted the hanky and blew her nose, producing a series of sounds rather like Chuck Mangione imitating Miles Davis on the fluegelhorn.
“What [expletive] good does that [expletive] do me?” Dr. Raptor demanded, handing back a completely soaked Dior handkerchief and gesturing frantically for another. “The whole [expletive] world can visit that Web site now!”
“Sadly, yes,” I acknowledged as I handed her a second hanky, “and it’s my professional responsibility at this point to inform you that this consultation is free of charge, because I’m not in the business of working miracles, nor can I construct a time machine; and nothing short of a miracle or a time machine can spare the US Chamber of Commerce the acute and insufferable pain and embarrassment of having sponsored the admittedly accidental, but nonetheless widespread dissemination of copious, significant truth.”
“We’re totally [expletive],” she whimpered, staring at me with red-rimmed eyes.
“Oh,” I philosophized, “it’s not that bad. Every major organization in Washington inadvertently lets some truth get out to the public now and then – it’s an unavoidable consequence of ongoing operations. I’d say, don’t worry about it. The American public is so apathetic and ignorant, they won’t even notice you did it.”
“You… you really think so?” Her voice quavered with a faint note of hope.
“Take my word for it,” I assured, “the vast majority of them couldn’t even find Africa on a map.”