Fortunately for me, my eight o’clock appointment this morning (a staffer for Senator John Ensign) had to reschedule his intensive spin consultation for three-thirty due to what he described as “more [expletive] trouble with that [expletive] bimbo that John’s been [expletive].” Consequently, I escaped the potentially thorny dilemma of whether to ask him to wait, or request that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad call back at ten when I had a free half-hour.
Ahmadinejad: Hello, Tom! How are you doing?
Tom: I’m fine, thanks, Mr. President. I must say, it’s very unexpected to receive a call from you. And I must confess, I’m quite surprised that you are speaking English. I remember the last time we spoke, back in 2007, we used an interpreter.
Ahmadinejad: Yes, yes, I remember that – it was when I visited New York to address the United Nations on the twenty-sixth of September that year. Speaking of the United Nations, Tom, last Monday, I challenged your President Barack Obama to debate me there, you know. It must sound strange, but I’d love to visit New York again.
Tom: Well, I’m sure New Yorkers would love to see you another time – they’re world famous for their refined manners and warm hospitality. I can arrange for my friend Vinnie to discreetly deliver you some delicatessen…
Ahmadinejad: Oh, Tom, my friend, that would be great! Even now, my mouth is making water…
Tom: I think the idiom you are looking for is “my mouth is watering,” Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Yeah, yeah, sure – even now, my mouth is watering for another taste of that first-cut pastrami from the Carnegie. And do you know where I can get some good Italian, too?
Tom: Vinnie knows all the best places on Mulberry Street, Mr. President, no problem.
Ahmadinejad: That’s great – there’s this stuff called prosciutto – I heard about it the last time I was in New York, and now, I can’t wait to try some.
Tom: Allow me to give you my take on that, Mr. President – it’s fantastic on a pizza made with fresh water buffalo mozzarella.
Ahmadinejad: Sounds yummy. Oh, damn, I sure hope Obama takes me up on that dare.
Tom: Well – I, for one, certainly won’t be disappointed if he does. By the way, I can’t help but notice that my Caller ID indicates you’re calling from the US 202 area code. That can’t be right, can it?
Ahmadinejad: Oh, that. It just looks that way. Actually, I’m using Skype Internet VoIP over a satellite uplink mounted on the roof of the new Majlis building at Baharestan Square, patched into the District of Columbia land line system through a telephone connection on the Iranian Interests Section communications server at the Pakistani Embassy there in Washington.
Tom: Ah, that explains it. Gee, I can’t get over how good your English has become.
Ahmadinejad: Well, if the truth be known, you are among the people I have to thank for that. After my interpreter read me your Web Log post in Farsi back in 2007, I decided to learn English so I could read your blog myself. I really liked that interview. I think you treated me very fairly and evenhandedly, while not pulling any punches or relying on fuzz questions.
Tom: That would be “fluff questions,” sir.
Ahmadinejad: Okay, I get it – “fluff,” not “fuzz.” No fluff questions. Anyway, that interview you conducted with me, it was one of the best I’ve ever seen reproduced in print – in newspapers, magazines or on the Internet.
Tom: Really? In that case, I’m extremely flattered, of course, Mr. President. Thank you.
Ahmadinejad: You’re welcome. But, you see, I don’t get very many chances to practice speaking English, as you may well imagine. I can’t use it in public – that would alienate my political base faster than a duck running around with its head cut off.
Tom: I’m pretty sure that would be either “faster than grass goes through a goose,” or “running around like a chicken with its head cut off,” Mr. President. The former is the phrase, I believe, of which you are thinking. The latter, on the other hand, indicates a state of extreme confusion or disorganized activity.
Ahmadinejad: Thanks, Tom – yes, speaking English would alienate my political base faster than grass goes through a goose. For instance, if I visit New York to debate Barack Obama at the United Nations, I’ll be doing it using one of their Farsi simultaneous translators – or my own interpreter, depending on how they set things up. You think maybe we can get Jim Lehrer for moderator? His work at the first US presidential debate, the one at the University of Mississippi, that was fabulous. By the Prophet, Allah’s blessings be upon him, was that a great show or what? And McCain, he just crushed Obama, there’s no other word for it. I still don’t understand how come you Americans didn’t elect John McCain.
Tom: I don’t think there’s much chance of getting Jim Lehrer, Mr. President. He’s an American, after all. I think that…
Ahmadinejad: Oh, no – you don’t suppose they’ll want to use that dooky “town hall” format…
Tom: That would be “dorky town hall format,” sir.
Ahmadinejad: Sure – that dorky town hall format. They can’t use the town hall format – just look at the second debate – it’s totally invisible…
Tom: I think you mean “unwatchable,” Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: That’s it, yeah, that town hall debate format is completely unwatchable. And even Tom Brokaw couldn’t do a damn thing to salvage it!
Tom: Oh, I don’t think you need to worry about any debates at the United Nations using the town hall format – it wouldn’t be very practical. And I’m sure Secretary Ban will choose an excellent moderator. But to what do I owe the honor of this telephone call, may I ask?
Ahmadinejad: Well, you see, Tom, I figured that, considering how your blog posts indicate that you’re an open-minded, unbiased and highly informed observer, maybe I could ask for your advice about the situation over here in Iran.
Tom: You mean, concerning the elections?
Ahmadinejad: Yeah – I don’t get it. Here I have the intellectual elites, the college educated professionals, the urban sophisticates and the liberal reformers all firmly against me, and all the uneducated, fanatically religious, working-class, poor, rural pumpkins…
Tom: “Bumpkins?”
Ahmadinejad: Yeah, yeah, bumpkins firmly on my side – so I win the election. And then all those elitists, bookworms, fancy-pants and do-gooders, they’re rioting everywhere and messing things up so bad, we have to throw all the foreign journalists off the streets and start blocking the ISPs to keep the twings from twattering their twoots to the world, spreading lies…
Tom: Mr. President?
Ahmadinejad: Yes?
Tom: To “twitter” is the verb. Those who twitter are called “twerps,” and when twerps twitter, they send “tweets.”
Ahmadinejad: Oh. I see, thanks. Crap; the damn thing’s only been popular for about six months, after all. How the hell can I be expected to keep up with every asinine Internet fad that comes along, that’s what I want to know! No sooner do I get social networking figured out than my teenage relatives tell me I’m a total dween…
Tom: That’s “dweeb,” sir.
Ahmadinejad: Okay, dweeb, then – for having a MySpace account, and then they say I should have joined Facebook instead! And I’ll tell you, Tom, I just don’t see the point in this Twitter thing – why should I want to tell the whole world what I’m doing every single minute of the day, anyhow?
Tom: So that Twitter account with your name on it isn’t, in fact, you?
Ahmadinejad: There’s a Twitter account in my name? Well, no, it sure isn’t me, I can tell you that! It’s probably the CIA, I bet. But fork the CIA, that’s what I say, and fork their mothers, too!
Tom: Mr. President, I think the word you’re looking for there is “[expletive],” not “fork.”
Ahmadinejad: [Expletive]? Okay, I’ll remember that. So, [expletive] those elitists, and [expletive] those bookworms, and [expletive] those fancy-pants and [expletive] those do-gooders, then! And [expletive] all those people everywhere all over the world complaining about me winning, too, especially the ones in the United States! Can you explain that to me, Tom? Why anybody in the United States thinks they have the right to criticize me for the way the elections came out here in Iran? Didn’t all the [expletive] intellectual elites, college…
Tom: That would be “[expletive] intellectual elites,” sir.
Ahmadinejad: “[Expletive]?”
Tom: Correct. “[Expletive]” is the present participle of the verb “to [expletive],” and, as such, is the appropriate form to use as an adjective.
Ahmadinejad: Okay, thanks. Didn’t all your [expletive] intellectual elites, college educated professionals, urban sophisticates and liberal reformers hate Bush 43’s guts? And didn’t all the uneducated, fanatically religious, working-class, poor, rural – ah, bumpkins love him? And didn’t all those [expletive] elitists, bookworms, fancy-pants and do-gooders ache their bellies…
Tom: That would be “bellyache,” Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Bellyache. Right. Thanks. Didn’t all those [expletive]…
Tom: And you need the noun form of “to [expletive],” there, sir. “Didn’t all those [expletive].”
Ahmadinejad: Wow. That word, [expletive], it has a lot of uses in English, doesn’t it?
Tom: It has forms which function as every known part of speech, sir, and very few other English words can make that claim. Properly inflected, it can be a verb, a noun, an adjective, an adverb, an interjection, a pronoun, a preposition or a conjunction.
Ahmadinejad: Very handy word, that [expletive].
Tom: Indeed, sir, here in America, people sometimes construct entire sentences using little else.
Ahmadinejad: In that case, thanks for telling me about it. Now, as I was saying, didn’t all those [expletive] American elitists, bookworms, fancy-pants and do-gooders bellyache like [expletive] crazy, yelling and screaming, claiming that Bush 43 had stolen your election in the year 2000?
Tom: They’re still at it. Plus, they claim he stole the one after that, too.
Ahmadinejad: Exactly my point! What’s the difference?
Tom: Well, Mr. President, there is one rather significant difference between them.
Ahmadinejad: And what is that?
Tom: When George W. Bush stole the 2000 and 2004 US presidential elections, both of them were very close in the popular vote. This allowed his presidency to achieve at least an appearance of legitimacy. The latest presidential election in Iran, however…
Ahmadinejad: Okay, okay, I know what you’re going to say, and I will be the first to admit – maybe we overdid it a little bit on the ballot box stuffing; maybe we should have waited more than twelve hours before announcing the results in a nationwide paper ballot election; and, sure, maybe we shouldn’t have arrested all those guys in the Mosharekat reform party. And, okay, yeah, it was definitely not a good idea for the national police to shoot people demonstrating in favor of that [expletive] Mirhossein Mousavi who ran against me, and I’m not going to deny that we probably went overboard when we arrested Mohammad Ali Abtahi yesterday, and let me tell you, I regretted kicking the election fight up to the Guardian Council the minute we did it, but the pressure from, you know…
Tom: Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei?
Ahmadinejad: Yeah, him. He was leaning on me to go along with it, and he doesn’t take “no” for an answer – never did. So, all right, the election wasn’t perfect, but what election is, anyway? That first one Bush stole, the one where he beat Al Gore – that went to your Supreme Court, didn’t it?
Tom: Yes, Mr. President, it certainly did.
Ahmadinejad: Right – and now tell me the truth, wasn’t your Supreme Court packed with judges who agreed with Bush politically?
Tom: Well, I suppose some people might contend otherwise, but I’m not one of them. Yes, I have to concede, the 2000 US presidential election was decided by our equivalent of your Iranian Council of Guardians, and it was packed with members who favored Bush.
Ahmadinejad: And they declared Bush the winner, didn’t they?
Tom: That’s true.
Ahmadinejad: So, members of our Guardian Council wear robes, and your Supreme Court Justices wear robes. The Guardian Council is composed of distinguished jurists, and your Supreme Court is composed of distinguished jurists. Most of the members of your Supreme Court are older than dirt, and, likewise, so are a lot of our Guardian Council. Most members of our Guardian Council are self-righteous and nasty, have big egos, can’t handle criticism very well, and don’t smell too good; likewise, I am told, with your Supreme Court.
Tom: Can’t argue with that.
Ahmadinejad: And, I would like to point out, our Guardian Council has ordered a recount!
Tom: My understanding is, that’s a partial recount, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: All election recounts are partial.
Tom: No, partial recounts only make sense in close elections with narrow margins in certain specific voting districts, Mr. President. You allegedly won by a very wide margin. Therefore, only a complete recount could conceivably make any difference to the loser. And besides, you’re overlooking a very important difference between our Supreme Court and your Guardian Council – the American Supreme Court doesn’t screen our presidential candidates with a background check, plus extensive written and oral examinations, prior to allowing them to run for office in the first place.
Ahmadinejad: Perhaps they should.
Tom: If they did, George W. Bush would never have passed the exams or the background check.
Ahmadinejad: Good point. So what do you think I ought to do after the Guardian Council declares me the winner?
Tom: How about you lighten up on all those harsh domestic policies?
Ahmadinejad: Harsh? Domestic? Policies? What in heaven’s name are you talking about?
Tom: Oh, you know, stuff like giving children the death penalty.
Ahmadinejad: Don’t they do that in your states of Texas and Virginia?
Tom: Yes, unfortunately, they do.
Ahmadinejad: So why not here?
Tom: Well, if you did stop executing children, you could start pointing out to the world that Iran is more civilized than Texas or Virginia.
Ahmadinejad: From what I’ve heard about Texas and Virginia, that would just be pretty much like saying Iran looks better than week-old road kill in July, wouldn’t it?
Tom: Actually, yeah, it would. How about you stop executing homosexuals, then?
Ahmadinejad: There aren’t any homosexuals in Iran.
Tom: You’re sure?
Ahmadinejad: Isn’t every African American absolutely sure there aren’t any black homosexual men?
Tom: Only because, once a black man commits a homosexual act, he becomes a “down low” – that’s something like a voodoo zombie – it has no soul, and therefore, it’s not a man anymore.
Ahmadinejad: Hey, nice idea. Maybe we should try that out in Iran. I’ll run it by some of the big Imams here and see what they think.
Tom: Well, that’s not exactly what I had in mind when I mentioned the issue, but moving along, then, how about you stop building a nuclear arsenal?
Ahmadinejad: Sure, we’d be glad to. Iran will quit building and testing nuclear weapons the day after the Americans and Israelis quit building and testing theirs.
Tom: Oh, boy – all right, then, while we’re on the subject of Israelis, could you stop denying the Holocaust?
Ahmadinejad: What the [expletive] are you talking about? I have never, ever denied the Holocaust!
Tom: You haven’t?
Ahmadinejad: Absolutely not! I categorically deny denying the Holocaust!
Tom: So you’re a Holocaust denier denier now?
Ahmadinejad: Now? I’ve always been one!
Tom: Gee, I can’t imagine how I failed to notice. Fine, then, how about you drop your support for Hamas and Hezbollah and stop meddling in other countries’ internal affairs?
Ahmadinejad: “Meddling in other countries’ internal affairs?” Oh, you mean like when the United States orchestrated a coup to overthrow the legitimate, democratically elected government of Iran and replace it with a dictatorship under the Shah?
Tom: Two wrongs don’t make a right, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: No, but as you Americans have demonstrated so many times, three do.
Tom: So you’re not going to change your domestic policies, your opposition to Israel, your foreign policy or your nuclear programs?
Ahmadinejad: I can’t. As I said, I’m just like your George W. Bush – my political base of uneducated, fanatically religious, working-class, poor and rural bumpkins is in love with the idea of severe punishments, especially the death penalty. They hate homosexuals, they hate foreigners, they hate Jews, they love nuclear weapons, they’re certain that God is on their side, they’re convinced that violence is the best way to permanently resolve disputes, and they want their country to use its foreign policy to spread their value system all over the world and impose it on everyone, everywhere, whether the rest of the world likes it or not! Just take a few of my speeches, Tom, and edit them a tiny bit. Substitute “America” for “Iran,” “the Lord Almighty” for “Allah,” “Terrorists” for “Zionists,” “Mexico” for “Iraq,” “Illegal Aliens” for “Sunnis,” and so forth. In no time, I guarantee, you’ll have a speech that could have been delivered by George W. Bush.
Tom: Very well, then, let’s take that as a point of departure – you’re Iran’s version of George W. Bush. In that case, given what the current conditions there are, and the fact that you are pretty much responsible for them, there’s one thing I would recommend you better change, and pretty quickly, too.
Ahmadinejad: What?
Tom: Iran’s economy. It’s in awfully bad shape right now – runaway inflation, huge unemployment, institutionalized corruption…
Ahmadinejad: Oh, no, no, no! Iran’s economy is doing great, Tom! I’ve got the charts to prove it. Everything’s coming up tulips…
Tom: That would be “roses,” sir.
Ahmadinejad: Everything’s coming up roses, then. I tell you, Iran’s economy is just peaches…
Tom: “Peachy,” Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Just peachy; everything is in cherry pie order…
Tom: “Apple pie order,” sir.
Ahmadinejad: Apple pie order, right. Now, suddenly, for some reason, I’m getting hungry.
Tom: Mr. President, speaking of your similarities to George W. Bush, I can’t help but mention that your characterization of the Iranian economy bears a truly eerie resemblance to his own descriptions of the American economy, right up to its collapse in late 2008.
Ahmadinejad: So, you’re suggesting it might be a good idea for me to go back and run the numbers again?
Tom: At the very least, sir. And after you’ve done that, you need to stop looting the national treasury to buy votes by currying favor with your masses of impoverished supporters and come up with an economic plan that equitably benefits Iran’s middle class.
Ahmadinejad: I don’t understand. Are you seriously suggesting I should help all the citizens, even the ones who don’t like me?
Tom: Yes,
Ahmadinejad: Because if I don’t, the economy will collapse, and it won’t matter if the Guardian Council made me President again or not?
Tom: Well, George W. Bush stole two national elections fair and square, but in the end, it didn’t matter.
Ahmadinejad: But he’s okay, right?
Tom: Him, yeah. His political party, on the other hand…
Ahmadinejad: He wrecked it?
Tom: He completely destroyed it, or at least that’s what it looks like at the moment. And history will not remember him kindly, I can assure you.
Ahmadinejad: Really?
Tom: Definitely; and, of course, none of his supporters can get the time of day in a watch factory.
Ahmadinejad: I see. Hmmm. So – if I don’t give a [expletive] about my political party, my supporters or my historical legacy, then I don’t have to do jack frost about the Iranian economy.
Tom: The correct figure of speech is “jack [expletive],” Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Thanks, got it. So, since I don’t, in fact, care about those [expletive] things, I don’t have to do jack [expletive] about the Iranian economy! Excellent! I knew I was doing the right thing calling you, Tom. It’s been worth every minute.
Tom: You’re welcome, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: I’ll have the Iranian Interests Section send over a case of their best Caspian Beluga caviar.
Tom: That would be fine, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Okay, then, got to go – as you can imagine, I’m pretty busy with all these riots and demonstrations. Right now, I need to meet with the Swiss ambassador and tell him that Iran holds the United States responsible for them.
Tom: Then I won’t detain you further. Goodbye, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Thanks again, Tom! ‘Bye!