Thursday, as everyone on the planet (everyone, that is, who isn’t living off the grid in a yurt, cave, grass shack, mud hut or hand-built log cabin without their own source of electricity, a satellite dish or telephone line and/or just running around buck naked in a rain forest with a bone through their nose, of course) is well aware, somebody launched something called a distributed denial of service (DDOS) attack on the two most important Web sites on the Internet, Twitter and Facebook. How humanity got along before them, we had more or less forgotten, since all most of us do now is visit Facebook and tweet each other about it. On Thursday, August 6, 2009, however, the world was suddenly and mercilessly reminded of what primitive, meaningless and futilely miserable lives we all lead before those two Web sites arrived to miraculously transform them into the veritable Utopia we presently enjoy.
Yes, it was rough, no doubt about it. But to the twisted fiend, whoever he or she is, that perpetrated such an unforgivable horror on the unsuspecting billions of twerps and face-fans around the globe I say – cackle with villainous glee while you can, for your dastardly act of quintessential evil and perverted perfidy has awakened an awesome sleeping giant!
I know, because it fell out of bed right into my office, starting around two-thirty Thursday afternoon. That’s when Gretchen told me she had “some Eastern European nut case dork-meister,” who has “an accent that would embarrass Yakov Smirnoff,” with “a name that sounds like a retard sneezing” holding for me on Line Two. It was Cyxymu, the famous Georgian patriot blogger.
Cyxymu: Hello? Hello? Yes? Yes? With what person am I talking on?
Tom: Tom Collins, at your service, sir. How can I help you this afternoon?
Cyxymu: What are you speaking about? Is middle of [expletive] night!
Tom: Ah, yes, it would be around half past eleven?
Cyxymu: Yes, yes, nearly midnight. Is daytime in Washington?
Tom: Yes.
Cyxymu: What day?
Tom: Today – Thursday, August sixth, that is.
Cyxymu: Is because of your daylight savings time? Because we have that here in Georgia, but does not work so well – is [expletive] dark out now.
Tom: Well, I’m sure once Georgia settles its differences with Russia, things will look brighter, no matter what time the clock says.
Cyxymu: Yes, yes, is what I have been saying on blog! Bright future for Georgia once out from under Russian boot heels. Which is why I call. I know why Twitter and Facebook get big distributed denial service attack today!
Tom: You do? Why?
Cyxymu: Because of me is why! KGB is making DOS on Twitter and Facebook to silence voice of Cyxymu, great patriot of Georgian cause! Renting zombie computer bot net from Russian mafia for one ruble each per day!
Tom: Really? How do you know?
Cyxymu: I know because I am first top rate number one computer net hacker with bag of cyberspace tricks up sleeve, is how! I trace DNS URLs, get registry informations of WHO IS and catch KGB with hand in pants grabbing red cookies!
Tom: You mean, “their hand in the cookie jar,” I presume?
Cyxymu: No!
Tom: Right, so, I suppose, you mean you caught the KGB “red handed,” then?
Cyxymu: No, mean exactly what I saying.
Tom: Oh, I see.
Cyxymu: And I see you don’t know KGB too good. Look, KGB made cyber-war attack on one-year anniversary of real war with Georgia and Russia make fighting with much bloodshed and Russian treachery. I have accounts on Twitter, Facebook, LiveJournal, Google Blogger, also YouTube. Now, look who is getting DOS attack today – all those places getting it, that is who. One does not have to be genius Sherlock Homo detective to figure out such things that are going on, if you know all facts, which I do know.
Tom: Certainly sounds like some pretty strong evidence you have there.
Cyxymu: So this is assessment you are giving, that evidence sounds pretty strong?
Tom: Yes, it does.
Cyxymu: So what are you recommending?
Tom: I’d say, go public – contact the Associated Press, Cable News Network, the British Broadcasting Company, those sorts of organizations.
Cyxymu: You think Al Jazeera, maybe?
Tom: Sure, Xinhua, UPI… even Reuters. Everybody. Go public and go wide. Call the New York Times. Call the Washington Post, the Chicago Sun-Times, the Baltimore Sun, the Boston Globe, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Miami Herald, the Los Angeles Times, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the San Jose Mercury News,…
Cyxymu: Call USA Today?
Tom: Well, I wouldn’t go that far. But just about that far is what we’re talking about here.
Cyxymu: No problems you are thinking with them to believe me?
Tom: What? With an accent like Borat and cockamamie story about the KGB trying to silence you for speaking out in protest of Russian aggression against Georgia? They’re going to know for sure what you’re saying has got to be true.
Cyxymu: They are knowing this how?
Tom: Because nobody could possibly make up a story like that. It’s too absurd. Therefore, it must be true!
Cyxymu: I see – sort of like you Americans electing George W. Bush President of United States.
Tom: Yeah; or John McCain selecting Sarah Palin to run for Vice-President.
Cyxymu: Or America is world’s richest country and health care is so bad, health care in Morocco is better…
Tom: Or in Cyprus, Costa Rica, Portugal, Columbia…
Cyxymu: Okay, okay, yes, I am seeing what you mean now – story so unbelievable, nobody would dare make up lie like that! Okay, so I start calling, sending e-mail, instant message, everything to those news organizations. Anything else you think?
Tom: Let’s start with that and see what the reaction is, then plan from there.
Cyxymu: Okay, I get it – we play it by [expletive].
Tom: Ah, I believe the phrase you’re looking for is “play it by ear.”
Cyxymu: I don’t understand this expression. How can the ear play anything? The [expletive], on the other hand…
Gretchen: Mr. Collins, I have a John Thomas Dickson from Disco Systems who wants to talk to you about something called a “DDOS” at that stupid Twitter site all those pathetic losers who don’t have a life…
Tom: Yes, yes, I understand. Ask him to hold for just a moment, please. Ah, Mr. Cyxymu, there’s another client on the line. Could you call me back after you have successfully implemented the initial stages of the action plan we just formulated?
Cyxymu: Sure, sure, thanks. I call back after I tell all the wire services and newspapers. How much I owe?
Tom: Nothing for the moment. We’ll talk after you monetize the situation.
Cyxymu: Yeah, sure, nice thinking brain you have there. ‘Bye-bye, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Goodbye and good luck. Hello? Mr. Dickson?
Dickson: Tom Collins?
Tom: Yes, sir. How may I help you?
Dickson: You are aware, I assume, of what’s happening at the moment on the Internet?
Tom: And I assume, sir, that you are not referring to the ever-widening phenomenon of vast hordes reading my Web log.
Dickson: No, and not the latest developments in World of Warcraft, either. I’m referring to the huge DDOS attacks on Twitter, Facebook, LiveJournal and YouTube that are happening right now, as we speak!
Tom: Oh, those… ah, sure, I know about those, of course. Are you worried about them?
Dickson: Worrying about DDOS attacks is an important part of my job, Mr. Collins.
Tom: I am so, very, very sorry for you.
Dickson: Well, don’t be – I get paid like a Blackwater bodyguard – and with no risk of being painfully wounded, captured, humiliated, tortured, mutilated, burned to death and having my remains paraded around the streets of some godforsaken hellhole by a bunch of stone-age savages in a country that time forgot.
Tom: Sounds like nice work if you can get it.
Dickson: And you can get if you try. The reason I’m charging time to a Disco operations expense account at your outrageous hourly rate is because the word is, you’re the smartest person inside the Beltway.
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Dickson: Baltimore? Isn’t John Waters from Baltimore? I’m a big John Waters fan.
Tom: Yeah, I’m pretty sure he is.
Dickson: “Multiple Maniacs.”
Tom: “Female Trouble.”
Dickson: “Pink Flamingos.”
Tom: “Polyester.”
Dickson: With Sonny Bono and Debbie Harry!
Tom: And, of course, “Hairspray,” which launched Ricki Lake’s career, and was subsequently made into a hit musical…
Dickson: … and which subsequently got made into another movie!
Tom: It’s true – for better or worse, love his work or hate it, only Baltimore could have produced the unique cinematic genius of John Waters.
Dickson: “How much is that doggie in the window…”
Tom: Actually, Divine’s favorite snack in that infamous scene is much more popular in Washington, particularly among members of the United States Civil Service, but you have to give Waters credit for putting the real thing in a feature fiction film. So – what about these DDOS attacks?
Dickson: Well, first of all, today’s are just the tip of the iceberg.
Tom: Do tell?
Dickson: Yeah, we suspect that the same person – or persons – used essentially the same botnet to attack US government sites earlier this year. But, near as we can tell, they gave up when it became obvious than nobody but a bunch of idiot bozos who work for the government actually cared one way or the other.
Tom: So, could it be the extensive cyber-attacks conducted against US government sites were just a dry run to make sure that when the botnet was used to attack something that was actually significant…
Dickson: … yeah, something important…
Tom: … something people really care about, like Twitter…
Dickson: Exactly! That’s exactly what I was thinking! But the motivations, Collins, that’s what we’ve been stewing about here at Disco Systems – the motivations! Criminals always have some sort of profit motive, and cyber-crooks are no exception. You’ve got your Nigerian 419 scammers, you’ve got your database crackers, you’ve got your phishers and dishers and phlashers and splashers, your PayPal salami-slicers and your Amazon impersonators, your eBay cheaters and your porn-site credit card number stealers, but there’s only one way to make money off a DDOS, and that’s good old fashioned blackmail. Whoever runs the botnet leans on the victim and demands money in return for calling off their zombie computers. But this time, nobody is asking for money!
Tom: Which leads to what conclusion?
Dickson: The only possible conclusion – whoever is doing this doesn’t want money.
Tom: Which means?
Dickson: Well, clearly, anybody who doesn’t want as much money as they can possibly get for whatever it is they do must be totally insane, of course!
Tom: Sir, you obviously think like a genuine American corporate network engineer.
Dickson: Thank you. So, our problem is this – how do you get an insane person to stop doing something annoying? We’re running that question by the best minds we can find anywhere, and you’re on the list – pretty close to the top, as a matter of fact.
Tom: First of all, you must realize that no truly insane person is aware that they’re crazy. Quite the contrary – they all firmly believe they are quite sane. So the first thing you need to do is to announce loudly and clearly to the entire world that you have conclusive, scientific proof that whoever committed these denial of service attacks has bats in the belfry, sand in the gears, toys in the attic and bubbles in the think tank.
Dickson: No problem there – we can do that right away. I’ll contact Wired magazine and tell one of their reporters we’ve conclusively determined that the culprit is a total lunatic. Then what?
Tom: Then, secondly, no sooner has the perpetrator heard that, than they hear some other lunatic presenting a widely accepted, totally insane explanation of the situation that does not involve the perpetrator at all. You see, the culprit started off thinking that they are sane and that what they are doing demonstrates their ability to influence the world in a meaningful and significant way. You rob them of the former by saying you have proof that they’re nuts and then rob them of the latter by having some third party attribute all of the influence the perpetrator thought they had to another cause, thus rendering the culprit powerless.
Dickson: Sounds good, but I’m not sure how we’re going to find somebody with that other, equally insane alternative explanation.
Tom: Well, you’re in luck. Tell Twitter, YouTube and the rest that I can put them in touch with such an individual – immediately, and for a very reasonable price.
Dickson: How reasonable?
Tom: Much, much more reasonable than having their services shut down by a DDOS, that’s for damn sure.