Imagine you are a congressman. Now, imagine you are an idiot. Ah, but I repeat myself. – Mark Twain
Just as I was about to leave the office this afternoon, Gretchen rang my extension. “I’ve got a Congressman Joe Wilson on Line Three,” she told me, “and he’s really itching to speak with you. He says he can’t wait until Monday.”
“Tell him to hold,” I said, reaching into my desk drawer. I pulled out a bottle of Macallan 18, poured two fingers into tumbler and partook of a righteous dram. “Okay, now put him on.”
Wilson: Hello? Is this Tom Collins?
Tom: Indeed it is, Representative Wilson. What can I do for you this evening?
Wilson: Well, uh, it’s about, ah, my problem with Rob Miller…
Tom: The Democrat who’s run against you before and has vowed to unseat you from South Carolina’s Second Congressional District, come, as they say down South – Hell, high water or a Baptist preacher’s daughter?
Wilson: Yeah, him. My spontaneous remark during the President’s address earlier this week…
Tom: You mean, when you shouted “You lie!” at the top of your lungs at the President of the United States during an official address to a Joint Session of Congress?
Wilson: Yes, yes, all right, sure, that’s what I’m referring to. But you have to understand that I let my emotions get the best of me on the critical issue of health care. It was wrong, and I apologized to the President shortly afterwards, and he has acknowledged my sincerity. This occurred after a month of town hall meetings and deeply emotional conversations I had with constituents who are as passionate as I am about this issue; who fear a government takeover of health care will reduce the quality of care and increase the cost of coverage. On these issues, I will not be muzzled. I will speak up, and speak loudly against this risky plan. The supporters of the government takeover of health care, and the liberals who want to give health care to illegals…
Tom: Congressman Wilson?
Wilson: Yes?
Tom: That was the point in the speech where you yelled at the President of the United States while he was addressing the consolidated and assembled Legislative Branch of the United States government, isn’t it?
Wilson: Well, yeah, sure, I guess it was.
Tom: The President told you, the House of Representatives, the Senate and the entire world that his proposal would not give free health care to illegal aliens, and you shouted out “You lie!” for the House of Representatives, the Senate and the entire world to hear, didn’t you?
Wilson: Well, I doubt the entire world heard it. I mean, there are a lot of boogie-woogie golly-woggies out there living in grass huts and stuff…
Tom: Believe it or not, Representative Wilson, they have solar-powered Internet access these days, and even they have seen you on YouTube, defaming not just the person of Barack Obama, sir, oh no – they have witness you defaming the very office of the Presidency itself.
Wilson: Oh, hamburgers! Is that it? I mean, is that the reason even the Republicans got mad at me?
Tom: Precisely.
Wilson: Gee whiz, gosh-a-mighty willikers, I had no idea!
Tom: Now you do.
Wilson: Well, I apologized to that darn uppity jigaboo like everybody said I should, and I memorized that apology speech pretty good, too, if I do say so myself, and…
Tom: Congressman Wilson!
Wilson: Yeah?
Tom: Do you – in fact, in actuality, in… truth – really believe that President Obama wants to give illegal alien immigrants in the United States free health care? That he wants to move them to the head of the line for CAT scans, MRIs, drug-eluting stents, open-heart surgery and state-of-the-art cancer chemotherapy, while honest people who immigrated here legally and native-born American citizens foot the bill?
Wilson: Of course I do. Every conservative Republican does.
Tom: So you and your like-minded colleagues see illegal immigration as the factor that could completely destroy health care in this country?
Wilson: Boy howdy, you bet your bippy we do! As a matter of fact, we think illegal immigration is destroying practically everything!
Tom: Okay, so how about this? I have a complete, total and absolutely bulletproof solution to the illegal immigration problem.
Wilson: You do?
Tom: No brag, Congressman, just fact. Want to hear it?
Wilson: What red-blooded, conservative Republican patriot wouldn’t?
Tom: Okay, then, here it is. Why do illegal immigrants come to the United States?
Wilson: Why, to make money, of course!
Tom: Right. Illegal immigrants come here to make money. Lots and lots of money. Money to send home to their families, money to pay to bring more of their relatives here illegally to make more money to send home to bring more of their relatives here illegally and so forth ad infinitum.
Wilson: You know, a couple of people warned me that I shouldn’t ask you for advice. They said you’re a liberal or something like that. But obviously, you couldn’t be a liberal if you can make a statement like that. And I agree with you. Every good conservative Republican agrees with you – those pesky illegal immigrants all come here because they want money!
Tom: Okay, so we’ve established that.
Wilson: Right! Money, money, money – that’s what those illegals are here for!
Tom: So, how do we fix it so that the ones that are here now turn right around and leave the United States forever, and, what’s more, make sure that no illegal aliens ever sneak in here again?
Wilson: Oh, my God, tell me! How?
Tom: Simple – we start treating the Americans who hire them like drug dealers.
Wilson: Huh?
Tom: We – that is to say Congress – pass some laws that say if an American citizen is caught providing employment to an illegal alien, then they get ten years in federal prison.
Wilson: What?
Tom: Sure; and, what’s more, the federal government confiscates their business – you know, the one where the illegal aliens they hired were working, right? And the ill-gotten gains of their criminal activities, too, just like we do to people the narcs catch with a couple of ounces of blow. The Federal Marshals Service comes in and confiscates their houses, their cars, their boats, their bloated bank accounts…
Wilson: Hey, wait a minute here…
Tom: Yes?
Wilson: I… just, well… I don’t…
Tom: Oh, come now, Representative Wilson, you must admit, my modest proposal would be extremely effective, and furthermore…
Wilson: But, I mean, the people who hire illegal aliens aren’t breaking any laws…
Tom: They aren’t now, but if you were to sponsor a bill…
Wilson: Me?
Tom: Sure, why not?
Wilson: You mean, just make up a law that says if your housekeeper is an illegal alien…
Tom: Right, exactly. Just like the law that says “If you have over 100 grams of methyl(1R,2R,5S)-3-(benzoyloxy)-8-methyl-8-azabicyclo[3.2.1]octane-2-carboxylate in your possession, you are committing a federal crime punishable by ten years in prison and confiscation of all of your property and funds…”
Wilson: We can do that?
Tom: You have already done that; Congress did. Conservative Republicans did. So why not do the same thing to people who hire illegal aliens?
Wilson: Uh, um… well, I… you see, a lot of people I know…
Tom: Hire illegal aliens, because they work cheap, they don’t have any practical recourse if they are mistreated, and their employers can dodge all kinds of taxes, especially Social Security; and conservative Republicans are a bunch of skinflints who don’t want to see working Americans even get a decent minimum wage, right?
Wilson: The minimum wage is inflationary!
Tom: So are tax subsidies for oil companies, but I don’t see you and your buddies complaining about them. Come now, Congressman, it’s a plain bald fact that plenty of wealthy South Carolina conservatives hire legions of illegal immigrants to work in their rice fields, on their cotton plantations, in their food processing plants…
Wilson: Those people a have a perfect right to make a living, Mr. Collins! At lot of my major contributors’ ancestors stole their land directly from the Cherokee Indians! They can’t go coughing up a fortune for little Juana’s tonsillectomy now, just because it happens to be the twenty-first century!
Tom: Sir, do you, as a conservative Republican, actually want to rid the United States of illegal aliens, or not?
Wilson: Okay, okay… I’ll… I’ll think about it. Who knows? Maybe I will sponsor a bill to arrest and incarcerate American citizens who hire illegal aliens.
Tom: For a minimum of ten years, Congressman. And confiscate all their property, too.
Wilson: Okay, ten years in the slammer; and confiscate all the property of Americans who are caught hiring illegal aliens, too. Sure, I’ll think about it. But what I’m really concerned about at the moment is how much money Rob Miller got after I yelled that stuff at that Commie the homos and the eggheads put in the White House…
Tom: Hold on there a second, Congressman – didn’t Andy Sere, of the National Republican Congressional Committee, announce just this afternoon that a grass-roots conservative response to your outburst has netted your campaign fund more than $700,000; and, isn’t that a very respectable parry to Mr. Miller’s thrust of $875,000 since you shot your mouth off at the President?
Wilson: Um, ah, er… you see… ah, Mr. Collins, I need to know that what I’m about to say… that is, I require complete confidentiality in this matter, you understand…
Tom: The conservative Republicans are lying?
Wilson: Well, exaggerating is more like it, really…
Tom: By how much?
Wilson: Ah, um… well, the fact is, we’ve collected… um, at least enough to buy a Mercedes Benz, anyhow.
Tom: New or used?
Wilson: A new E-class, I guess.
Tom: I see. And what’s the conservative Republican rationale for lying?
Wilson: I donno, it’s like, kinda, uh, if you’re doing something that you know in your heart is right; something that, um, God told you to do, then it’s okay to… not be truthful… about stuff. Some stuff, anyway.
Tom: Are you aware, Congressman, that what you have stated is exactly the same rationale for prevarication that Al Qaeda and many other Islamic fascists use to justify lying?
Wilson: Ah, no… I didn’t… but I guess it just goes to show great minds think alike, or something like that, doesn’t it?
Tom: Perhaps. So what do you want to do about this… contribution gap between you and Mr. Miller?
Wilson: I was thinking, what if I yelled something at somebody else?
Tom: Yelled at somebody else?
Wilson: Sure. I mean here we’ve got Miller, he’s getting all these huge contributions, all because I yelled something at Obama, right?
Tom: Looks that way.
Wilson: So how about if you tell me – what should I yell at who, so people send money to me instead of him?
Tom: Oh, I get it. Sure – okay, how about you yell “You’re the biggest hypocrite who ever lived, preaching self-reliance, personal responsibility and free market enterprise, when practically all your life, you’ve done nothing but live off taxpayers’ money” at Newt Gingrich?
Wilson: Huh?
Tom: Or how about you yell “You’re a big, fat, deluded political whore with an addictive personality who makes his living spouting demented fantasies for the entertainment of semi-literate morons” at Rush Limbaugh?
Wilson: I… I don’t know if they’d appreciate that…
Tom: I bet plenty of Democrats would send you money, though. That’s what Rob Miller’s getting, isn’t it?
Wilson: I, that is, what I was thinking was, maybe you could suggest something that would get a lot of Republicans to send me money.
Tom: Oh, right, in that case, how about you yell “Please accept my eternal gratitude for running the country eight long years” at Dick Cheney?
Wilson: Okay, yeah, that’s the idea. Who else?
Tom: You could yell “Don’t worry, nobody can tell you’re a closet lesbian” at Condoleeza Rice.
Wilson: You think that will work?
Tom: You don’t really know until you try it, do you?
Wilson: I guess not. And?
Tom: You could yell “Thanks for saving the American economy” at Henry Paulson; or “You’re the smartest person I’ve ever seen” at Sarah Palin.
Wilson: Oh, goody, I like those!
Tom: And how about yelling “Yo! Shizzle-bizzle, bro! I be in da house witch you!” at Michael Steele?
Wilson: Golly, I’m not sure. Why would I want to be in his house? He’s a… you know…
Tom: He’s the Chairman of the Republican National Committee, that’s who he is, Congressman. And it’s a figure of speech, okay? It doesn’t mean you literally want to be in his house, it means, something more or less like “We agree philosophically on many important matters” or something like that.
Wilson: Oh, all right, in that case. Ah, that’s S-H-I-S-S…
Tom: S-H-I-Z-Z-L-E B-I-Z-Z-L-E.
Wilson: … B-I-Z…
Tom: … Z-L-E.
Wilson: … B-I-Z-Z-L-E.
Tom: Right.
Wilson: And you’re sure Steele’s not going to pull out his razor blade and cut me up or anything when I yell that at him, is he?
Tom: Not to worry, Congressman. Chairman Steele not only talks like that himself and will therefore understand you perfectly, he is also very proud of his ability to do so.
Wilson: Got any more?
Tom: Ahem, yes, well, as you may be aware, I generally charge a fee for telephone consultations that, on a hourly basis, is equal to that for visits to my office in downtown Washington and…
Wilson: Tell me about it! Holy Hanna, Mr. Collins, do people really pay you that kind of money for advice?
Tom: Yes, sir, they most certainly do.
Wilson: I was just asking, because, like I said, we didn’t really get all that much money…
Tom: Not a problem, Congressman. I often dispense advice free of charge to worthy potential clients.
Wilson: Like me?
Tom: Certainly. So – let’s run those up the flagpole and see who salutes. Then you can get back to me.
Wilson: Couldn’t I have just one more?
Tom: Of course, Congressman. Why don’t you get a cute little cocker spaniel puppy, stand on a street corner in Hilton Head and yell at passers-by?
Wilson: Yell what?
Tom: “If I don’t collect a million dollars for my re-election campaign by sundown, I’m going to kill this dog!”
Wilson: Brilliant! Oh, thank you, Mr. Collins!
Tom: You’re welcome, Congressman.
Wilson: Good night!
Tom: And good luck!