“Isn’t your brother-in-law’s name Henry?” Gretchen asked as she opened the door to my office and poked her head inside, cocked quizzically to the side like a puzzled puppy.
“Yes;” I assured her, “Henry Palikowski. Why?”
“Because,” she explained, “I’ve got a guy named Joseph Palikowski on Line Two, and he’s rabid to talk with you.”
“Oh yeah,” I nodded, “he’s Hank’s cousin from Ohio. Put him through.”
Gretchen grimaced. She’d been working like a collie in shearing season since six-thirty in the morning, and now, it was nearly four p.m. After that huge, paralyzing snow storm here in Washington, followed by a federal holiday on Monday, my appointment calendar for today had been jammed tighter than a Tokyo commuter train. “That guy from the Libyan embassy is due here to talk to you about the Swiss in ten minutes.” The last thing she wanted was to deal with an irate client in the reception area, and I could certainly appreciate her concern.
“It’ll be quick,” I vouched, “I promise.”
Tom: Hi Joe, how you doing?
Joe: Thanks for taking my call and all, Tom, but I won’t [expletive] you, I’m totally [expletive] to the [expletive] wall out here in Ohio, which is why I called you.
Tom: Well, as it happens, Joe, I have a few spare minutes, and anything I can do for my dear sister’s in-laws is a pleasure, of course.
Joe: I don’t believe that for a New York second, and you know it.
Tom: Ah, yeah, um, sure, you’re absolutely correct. This is a total pain in the butt. However, I’ll do it because if I don’t, you’ll tell my dear sister Rose and she’ll never let me hear the end of it. So shoot, okay? I’ve got like eight and one-half minutes before a paying customer walks through that door ready to fork over more money for an hour of my time than I bet you make in a week. So – what’s your problem?
Joe: Same as last time. I’m Joe the Plumber. I’ve been Joe the Plumber, the man from Joe’s Plumbing in Toledo, first in the Yellow Pages, and then on a Web site, for my entire plumbing career, practically. Then, like I told you back in 2008, here comes this bozo, Sam Wurzelbacher, who not only isn’t really named “Joe,” the stupid [expletive] isn’t even really a plumber, for Christ’s sake! He isn’t a member of the plumbers’ union, you know; he doesn’t even have a plumber’s license, for Christ’s sake. What’s more, I’ve heard he never served an apprenticeship, either. What the hell kind of plumber is that, I ask you? And you remember what a [expletive] mess that was for me back when John McCain and Sarah Palin were busy losing the presidential election!
Tom: How could I forget?
Joe: And now, he’s crawled back out from whatever rock he was hiding under and started shooting his [expletive] damn fool mouth off again, and every time he says something stupid, I get called out on a job and instead of having to deal with a toilet full of [expletive], I have to deal with somebody who wants to give me a raft of [expletive] instead!
Tom: Yeah, I hear he got on the radio and told the world McCain is no public servant, just a career politician.
Joe: Right! So in 2008, Democrats used to call me, Joe the Plumber, over to their house so they could tell me what they thought of people who supported McCain; and today, Republicans call me over to their houses so they can yell at me because they think I said McCain is a [expletive] rat fink!
Tom: Whereas, you actually think McCain is a thoroughly decent, fair-mined, honest and patriotic leader with the best interests of all Americans at heart?
Joe: No, I think he’s a [expletive] rat fink! But that’s beside the point! It isn’t me they’re mad at, it’s Sam Wurzelbacher! He’s just using me!
Tom: The cad!
Joe: I got a better word than that for him, I can tell you! You should hear what these conservative [expletive]-wads call me for saying that Obama is one of the more honest politicians because at least he told us what he wanted to do. I swear, some of those [expletive] half-wits are damn near ready to kill me or something!
Tom: Gosh, I suppose one can only imagine how upset they must be with Joe the Plumber for a change of position like that.
Joe: Not to mention how they feel about what they think I said about the birthers and the truthers being a threat to the TEA Party’s future!
Tom: It’s just a ploy, I’m sure.
Joe: Maybe so, but why should I have to take the heat for it? Jesus, Tom, the Palin fans are [expletive] murder! I get lured to one of their houses with tall tales about a backed-up septic tank and before you know it, they’re all over me about dumping on her because she’s campaigning for McCain. They’re merciless, Tom! And a bunch of [expletive] retards, too!
Tom: Better be careful using the word “retard” around Sarah Palin supporters, though.
Joe: Oh, why the [expletive] not? Of course they’re retards! So’s she, if you ask me – what was that [expletive] about her delivering a speech from notes written on the back of her hand? I mean, if that’s not a retarded thing to do, what the [expletive] is, anyway?
Tom: Be careful, you’re beginning to sound like Joe the Plumber.
Joe: I am Joe the Plumber!
Tom: Oh, yeah. Good point. Sorry.
Joe: Not that I still don’t get plenty of [expletive] grief from liberals! They’re still mad a Joe the Plumber for being in favor of states’ rights and guns. And this business in Virginia about people being able to carry loaded, concealed handguns into bars and restaurants…
Tom: That’s only if they don’t drink. Even in Virginia, they have to draw the line somewhere.
Joe: Well, God damn it, to hear those liberals yell at me, you’d think I was the [expletive] governor of [expletive] Virginia who’s about to sign that bill into state law! As far as they’re concerned, Joe the Plumber is the reason there’s going to be hot lead flying at the [expletive] Olive Garden in Dogpatch!
Tom: I must admit, the thought of Li’l Abner and Mammy Yokum packing heat at down at Arby’s is kind of disturbing. But no way any of that is your fault.
Joe: Tell that to the pinheads who call my truck out so they can [expletive] at me about something I never even actually said!
Tom: I think your basic problem is, you have the face of middle America. People expect you to be the real Joe, the one whose asinine utterances drive them right up the wall.
Joe: But the thing is, just like last time, I never actually said nothing! It was this bum Sam Wurzelbacher who said all that [expletive]! Sam Wurzelbacher was trying to use me – he’s trying to use every real Joe the Plumber in America! Sam Wurzelbacher’s really screwed up my life, is how I look at it!
Tom: Oh, come on, now! How can you say that? I bet the people who call you over on bogus plumbing runs still pay you for coming to their houses, don’t they? Just like they did in 2008?
Joe: Yeah.
Tom: And just like in 2008, that amounts to extra income, doesn’t it? Because toilets still keep getting plugged up for real, don’t they? Sinks still overflow, upstairs bathroom pipes still burst, water heaters still conk out; and radiators in older homes still leak, don’t they?
Joe: Yeah, sure, I guess so. Okay, I admit it, my business got a definite bump, just like last time. But it’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing, and I don’t owe Sam Wurzelbacher [expletive]! Why should all the real Joe the Plumbers across America have to answer to all the [expletive] morons who are mad about the latest idiotic thing Sam Wurzelbacher said?
Tom: Can I answer a question with a question?
Joe: Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Tom: When was the last time you had a vacation?
Joe: Ah, well, about four years ago.
Tom: For how long?
Joe: About… oh, I don’t know… about a week.
Tom: Okay, so how about this – why don’t you take all the extra money you made because of Sam Wurzelbacher back in 2008 and all the extra money you’ve made since he resurfaced, and enjoy another week off now?
Joe: A week? You really think Sam Wurzelbacher will be gone again in another week?
Tom: All right, make it two.
Joe: Two weeks and he disappears again?
Tom: Most likely.
Joe: You sure?
Tom: Make it three, then.
Joe: Gee, come to think of it, I could use three weeks off.
Tom: Couldn’t we all?
Joe: But I haven’t made any plans to go anywhere.
Tom: Who needs them?
Joe: Hey, that’s right, who does? I know – I’ll change my voice mail message to say that I’m not available and just loaf around the house drinking beer in my pajamas until that lousy [expletive] drops out of the news.
Tom: Now you’re talking. Oops – here comes my next client. Gotta go.
Joe: Sure, I understand. Thanks for your time.
Tom: You’re welcome. If you could call Rose and let her know how helpful I’ve been, I’d really appreciate it.
Joe: Absolutely. Will do. I know how much she cares about that stuff.
Tom: Yeah, with her, family is everything. And it certainly doesn’t hurt to have something like this to remind her of when she gets in one of her moods.
Joe: I know what you mean. Later.
Tom: Very good, then. Ciao, mio cugino.
Joe: Huh?
Tom: Ah, like you said, later.