And here we have Idaho
Winning her way to fame.
Silver and gold in the sunlight blaze,
And romance lies in her name.
Last night, Cerise was suppose to meet me at the Capital Grille on Pennsylvania Avenue for dinner, but duty called her away at the last minute. I have a wine locker at the CG – with my real name on it, by the way – and had planned on sharing a bottle of 1998 Chateau Margaux Premier Grand Cru Classe with her. Since it turned out I was dining alone, however, I made do with a bottle of 1999 Chateau Latour Premier Grand Cru Classe Pauillac instead – no sense drinking the good stuff without company to appreciate it, after all.
Now, I don’t mind having only myself for company at supper, but when my Blackberry let me know there was a call coming in, I confess I was delighted to have someone to talk to between the Wagyu beef carpaccio and broiled lobster. I will also admit, though, I can think of a lot of other people with whom I would have preferred to chat for a few minutes. But being the irrepressible raconteur that I am, I really couldn’t resist the urge to converse, even with this guy. It’s a weakness, I guess, but if you’re going to have one, there are surely worse than that:
Caller: Hello, is this Tom Collins?
Tom: Guilty as charged. With whom am I speaking?
Caller: Vaughn Ward.
Tom: Really?
Ward: Uh, yeah. It’s me, Vaughn Ward.
Tom: How did you get this number?
Ward: Um, Cindy McCain gave it to me.
Tom: I see. I’ll have to remember to thank her for that in an appropriate manner. What’s on your mind, sir?
Ward: The Idaho Republican primary.
Tom: That? Well, as far as I know, you lost it.
Ward: Yeah.
Tom: Even though you were the hand-picked Republican insider.
Ward: Uh-huh.
Tom: You lost it to some weirdo TEA Party libertarian outsider named Raul Labrador.
Ward: I did, that’s true.
Tom: And all despite the fact that the disaffected conservatives’ favorite poster girl, Sarah Palin, gave you an unqualified personal endorsement.
Ward: Yeah, she…
Tom: Not only that, Ms. Palin actually hit the trail in Idaho, traveling around the state, urging people to vote for you.
Ward: Ah, right, she did.
Tom: Yet, despite all that, you lost.
Ward: That’s correct, Tom.
Tom: You can call me “Mr. Collins.”
Ward: That’s correct, Mr. Collins.
Tom: And your problem is?
Ward: Well… it’s my wife.
Tom: What about her?
Ward: She’s… um, kind of upset that I lost, and she says that I have to either get elected to something else or otherwise I have to… find a job.
Tom: And you don’t currently have a job, do you?
Ward: No, I don’t. I haven’t had one for a long time. I’ve been campaigning for Congress, you see, and that’s pretty much a full-time effort.
Tom: Oh, that’s right, your wife has been supporting you.
Ward: Yeah.
Tom: With a job at… what was it, Fannie Mae?
Ward: Uh-huh.
Tom: So, while you were making campaign speeches decrying wasteful government spending and huge bailouts for failed financial institutions, the Troubled Assets Relief Program money Washington gave Fannie Mae was buying your groceries, paying your electric bill and filling up your gas tank, wasn’t it?
Ward: I donno, maybe somebody could put it that way, I guess.
Tom: I concur, maybe they could; and if they did, they would say that without Uncle Sam’s TARP money for your grub, gasoline, new shoe leather and corn husker’s lotion to soothe your palms all cracked and chapped from so much glad-handing, you wouldn’t have been able to go around telling the voters of Idaho how wrong Washington was to give businesses like Fannie Mae wheelbarrows full of hundred dollar bills, now would you?
Ward: Probably not.
Tom: And don’t you think, on the basis of all that, a reasonable person – an Idaho voter, for example – might possibly conclude you to be, shall we say, a glib, egregious and unforgivable hypocrite?
Ward: Hey, wait a minute now, I’m no hypocrite! I believe Washington shouldn’t be going around giving money away, not to bankrupt Wall Street investors, not to failed quasi-governmental money lenders, not to illegal immigrants, and not to welfare queens, either! I think all of that’s wrong, and I’ve never said otherwise.
Tom: But you took the money.
Ward: No, my wife took the money and then she gave it to me.
Tom: You will admit, though, that, in view of your espoused position on the TARP program, bailouts and so forth, that it’s wrong for your wife to be taking that money?
Ward: No, absolutely not! I’ve been saying the government shouldn’t be giving money away, and I stand by that. But if the government is already giving money away, and you can get some of it, then you’d be a total fool not to take it.
Tom: Really? How come?
Ward: Because taking free money, regardless of its source, is a perfectly legitimate practice of free enterprise; and I stand for free enterprise in all of its forms, everywhere, in any situation.
Tom: I see.
Ward: Besides, I’m a Republican. So even if I was a hypocrite about economic policy – which I’m not – but even if I was, why would it matter to Republican primary voters? Everybody knows Republicans only care about moral hypocrisy, like if I got caught in the Senate men’s room with Larry Craig.
Tom: Before the Great Recession hit in 2008, I would agree. But today…
Ward: No, no, I’m convinced that it’s still only the moral hypocrisy…
Tom: Okay, then how about, “As we stand on the crossroads of history…” “I know we can make the right choices and meet the challenges that lay before us…” “If you feel the same urgency and the same passion that I do…” “Our country will reclaim it’s promise…” “And out of this darkness, a better day is on the horizon,” and all the other parts of your stump speech that you plagiarized from Barack Obama? Isn’t plagiarism some kind of moral hypocrisy?
Ward: No, a conservative Republican stealing his speeches from a liberal Democrat is political hypocrisy, and nobody, anywhere, gives a hoot in Hell about that.
Tom: Not a titter in Tophet? All right, then what about when you lifted material from Representatives Paul Ryan, Geoff Davis, Tom Price and Senator Jim DeMint?
Ward: They’re all Republicans. We know how to share.
Tom: Then I guess it must have been when you were having that debate with Raul Labrador and gave everybody the distinct impression that you thought Puerto Rico is a foreign country.
Ward: You know, I don’t care what they call the place, it looks pretty damn foreign to me – everybody speaks Spanish; the food is weird, with things like coconuts and mangos and papayas in it; the music all sounds like Desi Arnaz going “Ba-Ba-Loo, Ba-Ba-Loo” banging on a conga drum like a damn monkey or something; and, what’s more, from what I’ve been told, it stinks to high heaven there – and not an American in sight.
Tom: But Puerto Ricans are Americans.
Ward: No way! People from Idaho are Americans, okay? And I’m not talking about the Blackfoot Indians, either. I mean real Americans – Caucasian people with jobs at the grain elevator and the drug store and the truck stop, people who own guns and go to church on Sunday.
Tom: Idaho Republicans.
Ward: Yeah. They’re white, they’re right and they like to fight – the backbone of our nation!
Ward: Who overwhelmingly voted for Raul Labrador instead of you. Certainly, sir, you are aware that the elected congressional Representative from any state in the Union could very well end up on a committee concerned with foreign policy; and in any event, they will most certainly have to vote on bills which have one or more foreign policy components or at least significant foreign policy implications.
Ward: So?
Tom: So – what’s the capital of Austria?
Ward: Oh, I know that one. It’s a trick question. Everybody always wants to say “Sydney,” but it’s someplace else, ah… begins with a “C,” I think…
Tom: Canberra is the capital of Australia. What’s the capital of Austria?
Ward: Where?
Tom: Austria is a country in Europe.
Ward: Oh, come on, there are dozens of countries in Europe!
Tom: Okay, how about a big famous one, then? How about France? Can you name one country that shares a border with it?
Ward: Um… ah, er… England?
Tom: No, England is on an island off the coast of France.
Ward: All right, so England doesn’t border anything, then?
Tom: No, England has a border with Scotland and another with Wales. They share the island of Great Britain.
Ward: So you’re telling me that England and Great Britain aren’t the same thing?
Tom: Strictly speaking, no. They’re parts of the United Kingdom. Who’s the prime minister of Italy?
Ward: What? Why should I care who’s the prime minister of a bunch of Pope-kissing wops?
Tom: Mr. Ward, I’m guessing Cindy McCain didn’t tell you that my full name is Tom Collins Martini.
Ward: Oh. Sorry. Present company excepted, then. No offense.
Tom: None taken. I conclude then, you are convinced that the people of Idaho, like yourself, are so utterly indifferent to the rest of the world that the fact you mistook Puerto Rico for a foreign country…
Ward: Let’s say I characterized it that way.
Tom: Very well, then, that you characterized Puerto Rico as a foreign country played no significant role in your primary loss?
Ward: I’d be surprised if it did, actually. Half of them can’t find Idaho on a map of America and sixty percent of them can’t find the United States on a map of the world.
Tom: And twenty-six percent of the adults in Idaho believe that the sun goes around the earth.
Ward: It doesn’t?
Tom: No, it just looks like that if you don’t watch things too carefully.
Ward: Right, well, I mean, who has time to watch the sun? Doesn’t seem to me that it matters much which goes around the other, anyway. Not when you’ve got things like liberal-inspired abortions and the socialists teaching evolution in public schools to worry about.
Tom: Relatively speaking, for most Americans, I suppose it wouldn’t matter much to them either, as long as the sun comes up every morning on time. Do you think, then, that given the patriotic proclivities of Idaho’s citizenry, the questionable exploitation of your Marine uniform in campaign advertisements could have been a factor in your defeat?
Ward: What do you mean, “questionable?” So I wore my uniform in a couple of campaign ads. So what?
Tom: So Chapter 11, Subchapter 11002, Department of Defense Directives Pertaining to Uniforms, Part 2, Paragraph 1, Subparagraph (a), Subsection 2 of the Marine Corps Regulations says that members of the Armed Forces, including retired members and members of reserve components, are prohibited from wearing their uniforms during or in connection with the furtherance of political activities when an inference of official sponsorship for the activity or interest could be drawn.
Ward: Well there you have it, then – no fault, no foul. I was not wearing my Marine Corps uniform in those campaign ads “in furtherance of political activity.”
Tom: You weren’t?
Ward: Absolutely not. I was wearing it because when we shot the very first campaign ad, a skunk got loose in the house the day before and all my other suits were at the cleaners. So I took my uniform out of the U-Haul storage locker and wore that. I mean, had to wear something nice, didn’t I? And when we saw how good I looked in a uniform, we decided to use it again a few times. Besides, it said right there on my campaign Web site, “Use of his military rank and photographs in uniform does not imply endorsement from the Department of Defense or the Marines.”
Tom: So I guess it boils down to a question of whether a disclaimer on somebody’s Web site supersedes United States military regulations.
Ward: Well, in that case, forget about it. Everybody knows that the First Amendment lets you say anything you want on a Web site.
Tom: Hmmm, yes, well… so how about the fact that you didn’t vote in 2008?
Ward: I was too busy to vote! Lots of people are too busy to vote!
Tom: True, nobody can say you’re alone in that. Or in not paying your taxes, either.
Ward: My property taxes! I forgot! Lots of people pay their property taxes late, too!
Tom: Okay, then there’s this business about your endorsement of repealing the seventeenth Amendment; making it so the people can’t directly elect candidates to the United States Senate again.
Ward: Well, of course. It’s obvious that it would be much better if members of the individual legislatures decided who represents their states. Look at New York, for instance. Nobody’s going to tell me that the folks in Albany would have sent Hillary Clinton or Chuck Schumer to Washington.
Tom: So your apparent later retraction of that statement was a mistake?
Ward: I think I did as good a job as could be done, in confusing the voters of Idaho about whether I agreed with Raul Labrador on that issue.
Tom: Yes, now that you mention it, you definitely did. Okay, well, then, there’s this thing you said about denying the children of illegal immigrants born in the United States their American citizenship, which is guaranteed by the Constituton. Do you…
Ward: Let me tell you something, Mr. Fancy-Pants Inside-the-Beltway, that particular idea of mine was probably the only reason I got any votes in the Idaho Republican primary at all!
Tom: Given the circumstances, I certainly can see no reason to contest that assertion. So, the old ball and chain has laid down the law, huh?
Ward: Yeah, she sure has. She says now that there’s no hope of me getting elected to Congress and collecting $174,000 a year, I’ve got to stop sponging off her and start making some money, pronto.
Tom: Have you considered switching parties to the Democrats and working for the campaign to re-elect Representative Walter Minnick?
Ward: What are you talking about? Walter Minnick is the guy I was supposed to run against and defeat in November!
Tom: Yes, he is. And I notice that you used to work for the Democrats…
Ward: Did not!
Tom: Mr. Ward, I know you’re a politician, and that therefore lying comes naturally, but please, what possible advantage could you gain by lying to me?
Ward: Oh, all right; did.
Tom: So you could do it again.
Ward: Yeah, maybe, but I can’t imagine the Democrats paying me very much to work for Walter Minnick.
Tom: Oh, I’m sure they won’t.
Ward: Right – and then my wife will be dissatisfied with my paltry… salary, and I’ll be S.O.L. in the bunk, as we Marines say.
Tom: Of course you’ll have to accept a salary from the Minnick campaign, but that’s not where the big bucks are going to be coming from.
Ward: Duh, wha?
Tom: Look, before you go to the Democrats, you first go to the Republicans and pitch yourself as a double agent.
Ward: You mean, sorta like James Bond?
Tom: Actually, no, James Bond was never a double agent. I meant, more like Oleg Penkovsky.
Ward: Who?
Tom: Didn’t you used to work for the CIA?
Ward: It’s in my resume.
Tom: So what did you do?
Ward: I am not at liberty to discuss activities which I may or may not have performed in the…
Tom: Okay, okay, sure. What I’m getting at here is, if you can manage to obtain a position with the Minnick campaign, at any level, and at any rate of pay, or even for free as a volunteer, you can probably receive some very respectable bucks from the Republicans for doing it.
Ward: But wouldn’t that be dishonest?
Tom: Yes.
Ward: Wouldn’t it be hypocritical?
Tom: Indubitably so; also opportunistic, self-serving and reprehensible.
Ward: You mean, in other words, it would be…?
Tom: Excellent training for someone, such as yourself, who aspires to power in the United States Congress.
Ward: No matter if they are a Republican or a Democrat?
Tom: Sure; or a Socialist or from the TEA Party, if they can manage it. Come on down and jump in the hog trough with both feet; there’s nothing we folks here on the Potomac like better than watchin’ y’all wallow around in it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my broiled lobster has arrived, and I’d like to eat it hot.
Ward: Uh, okay, sure. Broiled lobster is good that way. Thanks.
Tom: So it is indeed. You’re welcome. ‘Bye.