I had just arrived at the office this morning, perhaps five minutes after Gretchen opened up in preparation for an early consultation appointment, when the telephone rang. After answering, Gretchen put her hand over the receiver and gave me a knowing look. “It’s Mahmud Ahmadinejad,” she whispered. “He sounds drunk.”
“Usually is when he calls me,” I shrugged. “Put him through to my office on Line Two.”
Ahmadinejad: Tom! Tom! Is that you?
Tom: It certainly is, Your Excellency. It’s been a while since we last spoke, hasn’t it?
Ahmadinejad: Over a year!
Tom: Well, I know how busy you are, being President of Iran and all…
Ahmadinejad: No [expletive]! Tell me about it! Between defying the minions of Satan and crushing anyone who opposes the Islamic Revolution, I barely have time to denounce infidel conspiracies anymore. You seen Avatar yet?
Tom: Sure.
Ahmadinejad: In 3-D?
Tom: IMAX 3-D.
Ahmadinejad: Really? I bet that was like, totally awesome!
Tom: Not half as awesome as your English, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Oh, yeah, I’ve been keeping up on my practice. In secret, of course, as usual. It’s really been paying off, too. I know that if I saw Avatar with Farsi subtitles, I could definitely tell what I would be missing if I didn’t understand English. And there’s so much going on in that story! Speaking of which, what do you think, is James Cameron a genius or what?
Tom: Huh? The special effects are incredible, but…
Ahmadinejad: Right, and the story is even better!
Tom: Um… you think so?
Ahmadinejad: Know so! It’s so obviously about Iran!
Tom: Actually, to my knowledge, I don’t believe that…
Ahmadinejad: The native Pandorans – the Na’vi – they’re like, the Iranians, see? And all those nasty military guys out to destroy the Na’vi, they’re the United States! And was Sigourney Weaver hot or what, with her tough-girl act, chain-smoking cigarettes and all that?
Tom: Yeah, I suppose so…
Ahmadinejad: Man, I’d sure like to, you know… do it with her! Of course, we’d have to stone her to death afterwards, but it would be so cool, anyway, huh?
Tom: Would it really be… ah, necessary… to, uh, stone her to death afterward?
Ahmadinejad: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, absolutely! That’s the Holy Law, after all. But that’s also the really awesome part, too, see? Just thinking about stoning her to death afterward makes me so…
Tom: I think I get the idea, Mr. President. And I’m sure Mr. Cameron and Ms. Weaver would be highly complimented to know how much you enjoyed watching Avatar.
Ahmadinejad: Six times! But not in 3-D.
Tom: Oh. Sorry to hear that.
Ahmadinejad: Yeah, I had to watch a bootleg I downloaded from the Internet off some server in Sweden. But still… excellent movie!
Tom: You definitely have plenty of company on that opinion, Your Excellency.
Ahmadinejad: Think maybe you could get me a 3-D copy?
Tom: Well, I suppose I…
Ahmadinejad: And the glasses. I’ll need those, too – three or four.
Tom: I’ll see what I can do, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Outstanding! So, why I called, see, is, like they say, you’re the smartest person there, inside the Beltway…
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Ahmadinejad: Baltimore? I’ve heard of that. Aren’t there a lot of Jews in Baltimore?
Tom: Yes, there are.
Ahmadinejad: But nobody’s ever heard of Baltimore; only New York. I mean, if Al-Qaida had attacked, like you say, the tallest building in Baltimore, who in the Moslem world would have even known where the hell that was?
Tom: That’s the same reason they didn’t attack Philadelphia, I guess.
Ahmadinejad: Right.
Tom: Or Cleveland.
Ahmadinejad: Where?
Tom: Your point, exactly, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: I’m good at those, yeah. So, anyway, I knew if I called you, I’d be talking to someone who knows the score there in Washington DC about what’s happening all over the world.
Tom: Certainly; that’s a major part of my job description, Your Excellency.
Ahmadinejad: And what I want to know from you is – do you think the Israelis are going to bomb our Bushehr nuclear facility before the Russians put the fuel in it, like your John Bolton says? That the Israelis have to bomb it before then so they won’t get radioactivity all over the place?
Tom: In response to that, Mr. President, I would strongly recommend you consider the source. John Bolton is a cock-sure, self-righteous, stubborn, ultra-conservative militarist who’s convinced that anyone who disagrees with him on the smallest point is completely and irrevocably wrong and, moreover, deserves to die and go to Hell for it.
Ahmadinejad: I see. Thank you.
Tom: You’re welcome, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: I understand. He’s a fellow American and your former ambassador to the United Nations. But come on, Tom, does that really mean you can’t say anything bad about him?
Tom: I… um, yes, I can. His ideology doesn’t completely agree with yours.
Ahmadinejad: Okay! All right then, in that case, I hate him and want to destroy everything he stands for.
Tom: Exactly. And he feels the same way about you and the principles of the Iranian Revolution which you uphold. Consequently, I suspect Mr. Bolton was engaging in what might best be described as wishful thinking.
Ahmadinejad: You mean, Bolton wants Israel to bomb our nuclear plant?
Tom: Mr. President, if Israel bombed Bushehr, John Bolton would dance a jig which would put the one Adolph Schicklgruber did at Compiegne to shame. For starters, it would be real, not the invention of a propagandist, and what’s more, it would be much longer and completely sincere.
Ahmadinejad: Are you serious? Bolton would dance a jig?
Tom: Well, more precisely, he’d caper up and down, madly clapping his hands in an uncontrollable fit of sadistic glee.
Ahmadinejad: He’d be very happy?
Tom: Most certainly. Only one thing could possibly make John Bolton happier.
Ahmadinejad: And what would that be?
Tom: If, by some incredible stroke of luck, you and the Supreme Leader of Iran, the Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, were to be visiting Bushehr at the exact moment it was blown to smithereens.
Ahmadinejad: Really? And what would John Bolton do then?
Tom: It’s hard to say exactly, but it’s a safe bet Mr. Bolton would need to change his underwear shortly thereafter.
Ahmadinejad: How about your President Obama?
Tom: Oh, yes, if the Israelis bomb Bushehr, he will need a change of underwear, too, but for entirely different reasons.
Ahmadinejad: So, you think Obama doesn’t want war with Iran?
Tom: I’m sure he doesn’t.
Ahmadinejad: Because he is a secret Moslem?
Tom: No.
Ahmadinejad: Then why?
Tom: Because America can’t afford it.
Ahmadinejad: You mean, if America had the money, it would be glad to blow up Bushehr, invade Iran, install a puppet government and hang me and Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei?
Tom: In a New York minute.
Ahmadinejad: Right, okay then, see? Just like in the movie! The only difference is Iran has oil instead of unobtanium!
Tom: Plus, of course, Iranians aren’t anywhere near as adorable as the Na’vi.
Ahmadinejad: Maybe so, but we’re sure one [expletive] of a lot more adorable than the Israelis!
Tom: Yeah, but on the other hand, that’s not saying very much. You Iranians ought to shoot for being as adorable as the Tibetans, for instance…
Ahmadinejad: The Tibetans live in a world that’s a [expletive] thousand years ago!
Tom: And your point is?
Ahmadinejad: Ah… um… that is… all right, I give up. I don’t have one. But can’t you suggest somebody else anyway, please?
Tom: Okay, the Finns. They’re modern and they’re adorable, too. Shoot for that.
Ahmadinejad: Are you kidding? The Finns all have cell phones! Do you have any idea what the Grand Ayatollah thinks of cell phones after that Twitter business back during the last election?
Tom: How about the Canadians?
Ahmadinejad: Hey, wait a minute! Since when are Canadians adorable?
Tom: James Cameron is a Canadian.
Ahmadinejad: Really? I didn’t know that. Okay; as adorable as the Canadians then, at the very least. It’s for electricity and research, you know, that’s all.
Tom: What, the nuclear reactor?
Ahmadinejad: Yeah. Like they say, “A little nukie never hurt anybody.”
Tom: Well, Your Excellency, it just seems that many people outside Iran find it a bit difficult to believe that when you finally manage to refine some high-grade uranium or manufacture some plutonium, you won’t be tempted to construct nuclear weapons with it and then… oh, I don’t know…. let’s say, blow up Tel Aviv, for instance.
Ahmadinejad: But why is that? The Russians, the English, the French, the Pakistanis, the Indians and the Chinese all have nuclear weapons, but none of them have blown up Tel Aviv, have they? So why should anyone think the Iranians would do it?
Tom: I guess it must be the rhetoric, Mr. President. It always sounds like you folks want to trump up bogus reasons to pick fights, invade other countries, require them to adopt your cultural values and force your political system down their throats.
Ahmadinejad: Oh, like you Americans did with Iraq?
Tom: Um, okay, yeah – like we did with Iraq.
Ahmadinejad: And the difference is?
Tom: The difference is, we already have nuclear weapons, and, what’s more, we’ve already used them to blow up a couple of cities in Japan.
Ahmadinejad: And therefore?
Tom: Therefore, we know what it feels like to live with the terrible moral consequences of having done that, and we want to spare you from having to experience them.
Ahmadinejad: Gee, it never occurred to me how thoughtful you Americans were being about all this.
Tom: Great! So, now that you do realize that, are you going to call off Iran’s nuclear program?
Ahmadinejad: No, but as soon as we power up the Bushehr reactor, I’ll make a point of sending your President Obama a nice fruit basket.
Tom: Um, given the current political situation here in the United States, I don’t think sending him a fruit basket would be such a good idea.
Ahmadinejad: Flower basket?
Tom: No, I…
Ahmadinejad: Cupcake basket?
Tom: Actually, come to think of it, do you suppose you could manage to be a little bit more belligerent, nasty, aggressive and mean?
Ahmadinejad: What, forever?
Tom: Not really; no sense wearing yourself out, Your Excellency. Just start laying it on thick and keep it up until the first Wednesday in November.
Ahmadinejad: Sure, Tom, no problem. But what’s so special about the first Wednesday in November, anyway?
Tom: It’s the day after the first Tuesday.
Ahmadinejad: Hmmm. Okay, whatever. No problem. Gotta go now, or I’ll be late for dinner and a beheading.
Tom: Nice talking to you, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Same here, Tom. Don’t forget that Avatar movie!
Tom: Which format?
Ahmadinejad: Blu-ray. Collector’s Edition. In 3-D! Remember, I need the glasses, too! Extra pairs!
Tom: Right. Goodbye, Your Excellency.
Ahmadinejad: Thanks, Tom!