Wednesday morning, I received a visit from Liermann, a Democratic strategist. Refusing coffee or tea, he sat there in my office, glumly popping antacid tablets, clearly beside himself.
“Tom,” he whined, “the Democrats are about in the absolute worst situation for a mid-term election a person could possibly imagine. Not only is the economy still in the doldrums, it looks like by November, the country’s going to be starting down the second roller-coaster slide of a double-dip recession. We’re about to declare victory and leave Iraq, but it’s pretty clear that when we do, the whole place is going straight down the toilet and everybody in the world will blame the Democrats for it. What’s more, things couldn’t be much worse in Afghanistan, either – the Pentagon says that the latest evidence from our campaign to win the Afghanis’ hearts and minds indicates that we should have been going after their left ears instead. The latest public opinion polls show that as of Monday, more Americans believe in ghosts than believe Barack Obama was born in the United States. Our hand-picked, ideologically pure candidates for targeted Republican-controlled offices – and plenty of our incumbents, too, God damn it – are getting waxed in primary elections all over the country by Democrats who make Andrew Jackson look like George McGovern! Now, on top of all that, Charlie Rangel, the quintessential symbol of East Coast, liberal, special-interest, big-city Democratic machine politics – someone who has been an incumbent over forty years, no less – not only gets accused of corruption and abuse of his congressional powers, and not only is obviously guilty, but also refuses to resign! And yesterday, as I am sure you know, during a special session of Congress which Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid convened to address some truly important legislative matters, including appropriation of urgently needed funds for teachers, police and fire fighters, Rangel invoked a point of privilege so he could stand up in the middle of all that and do nothing more important than shoot his mouth off! He soaked up over half an hour of CSPAN camera time attacking what he says is a conspiracy; drawing analogies between the various settlement deals the Ethics Committee has offered him and an innocent man forced to cop a plea because the judge in the case has a reputation for harsh and unfair sentences; complaining about his legal fees; offering lame excuses for his misconduct; and arguing his side of the case in public. After which, he dares Congress to remove him from office! But was that aggravating enough? Was that sufficiently disrespectful? Did that do enough damage to the Democratic Party? No! Tonight, he’s attending a big, public, in-your-face birthday party bash at the Plaza Hotel in New York – and guess what? His real birthday was in June!”
“All of which,” I presumed, “is why you’re here?”
“Exactly,” Liermann spat. “How the hell do we keep this fat, egotistical, corrupt, lying, thieving, useless, braying windbag from screwing the Democratic Party in November?”
“If,” I pointed out, “you had come to me earlier, we could explore various options to conduct Rangel’s trial and get him out of the news well in advance of the November elections. We might even have been able to keep him from being a factor in the Democratic primaries.”
“Water under the bridge,” Liermann sighed. “We thought we could work out a deal Rangel would accept by ourselves. But he turned out to be completely unreasonable. Out of touch with reality, in fact. Rangel thinks the [expletive] world revolves around him. He expects everybody to hand him anything he wants on a silver platter, for Christ’s sake. The man’s living in a total fantasy world of his own invention!”
“In other words,” I observed, “he’s a typical member of Congress who’s been here more than ten years.”
At that, Liermann shook an extra antacid tablet onto the pile in his palm, popped the entire stack, then chewed on them for about a minute. “I suppose so,” he finally agreed. “At least it’s not just the Democrats.”
“No,” I concurred, “the Republicans are worse. In addition to behaving like that, they generally think they’re specially favored by the Almighty, too.”
“Well,” Liermann opined, “I certainly wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Charlie Rangel thinks he hears the Voice of God on a regular basis.”
“Charlie Rangel,” I corrected, “thinks God takes his advice. Spending four decades in the United States Congress has convinced better men than him that the Good Lord needs their input on the various issues affecting their states or districts, especially with respect to military bases, water projects and highway construction.”
“Okay,” Liermann sighed, “say we stipulate that Rangel’s a few bricks short of a full load. So what?”
“So, on the one hand,” I replied, “that’s a problem, as his recent behavior amply demonstrates. But on the other, as we both know, every problem is an opportunity.”
Liermann leaned forward, betraying sudden, intense interest. “An opportunity for what?”
“Well,” I explained, “up until now, the Democrats have been insisting that Rangel save the Party the embarrassment of a trial by cutting a deal with the Ethics Committee and resigning. But there’s no way he’s going to do that, because if he did, he’d just be a big has-been, a complete nobody. If, however, the Democrats were to offer Rangel a position in the administration…”
“That [expletive] clown?” Liermann interjected.
“…somewhere he could feel important and powerful and still have people continue kissing up to him all the time…”
“Can you imagine how insufferable he’d be?” Liermann asked, aghast.
“…doing something basically harmless, but with the trappings of grandeur, prestige and power…”
“Like what?” Liermann demanded.
“Well,” I mused, “Rangel’s big on education issues, isn’t he? After all, one of the charges against him has to do with questionable solicitation of funds for the Charles B. Rangel Center for Public Service at the City College of New York, doesn’t it? How about President Obama offers him a post as Special Ambassador at Large for Education? That would keep him out of the country most of the time, and Secretary Clinton could arrange for him to receive a bunch of honorary degrees from prestigious universities, which should be plenty of lollipops for the big baby.”
“I can see that,” Liermann nodded. “Okay, I’ll run it past the Party’s congressional liaisons at the White House. Now, what about Maxine Waters?”
“Offer an ambassadorship in return for her resignation, too,” I suggested.
“Okay,” Liermann said, stroking his chin in thought. “She’s big on human rights issues. How about we make her International Ambassador for Human Rights?”
“Nah, human rights has way too much potential for trouble,” I advised. “Make that Worldwide Ambassador for Animal Rights instead. Her first assignment can be an extended fact-finding mission to the Ngorongoro Crater. Lots of wildlife issues there, you know.”
Liermann smiled broadly for a moment, but just as abruptly, it subsided as a cloud of doubt crossed his mind. “Is there sufficient funding in the State Department budget for both of those egomaniacs and their respective parasitic entourages of obsequious hangers-on, useless relatives, pathetic wannabes and simpering sycophants? You must realize that neither Rangel or Waters will be happy without those.”
“Who,” I inquired with a knowing wink, “currently controls the House Appropriations Committee?”
“Right,” Liermann grinned, “the Democrats.”
“And,” I noted, “if you play this right, they’ll be in control of it after November, too.”