I said the age of one my life begun
At the age of two I was doin’ the do
At the age of three it was you and me
Rockin’ to the sounds of the master gee
At the age of four I was on the floor
Givin’ all the freaks what they bargained for
At the age of five I didn’t take no jive
With the master gee its all the way live
At the age of six I was a pickin’ up sticks
Rappin’ to the beat my stick was fixed
At the age of seven I was rockin’ in heaven
Dontcha know I went off
I got right on down to the beat
You see gettin’ right on down
Makin’ all the girls just
Take of their clothes to the beat
The beat to the double beat beat
That makes you freak
At the age of eight I was really great
‘Cause every night you see I had a date
At the age of nine I was right on time
‘Cause every night I had a party rhyme
— Sugarhill Gang, Rapper’s Delight
This weekend, Cerise is in Cape May with a couple of her college girlfriends and Veronica has traveled abroad in order to arrange to be in the same city as a certain married member of Congress. She’s staying in a different hotel, of course – one that’s nearby and which offers decidedly better amenities at prices well beyond those compensated by official federal per diem rates. I, alas, am spending the entire weekend working. Yes, I do put in some wicked hours, and I know it. Some forty thousand years ago, anthropologists tell us, the Australian aborigine spent a mere thirty hours a week procuring sustenance and manufacturing the artifacts with which to do it. Now, while it is not exactly clear that Australian aborigines forty thousand years ago had what we today would recognize as a concept of “leisure time,” it is nevertheless also quite obvious that they didn’t have to do anything they didn’t want to for the rest of the week, and that’s close enough for me. True, they didn’t have jet aircraft, particle accelerators, Shakespeare or Mozart; but then, on the other hand, they didn’t have sport utility vehicles, atomic power plants, Dan Brown or Justin Bieber, either. And, while the astute reader is no doubt wondering how I can justify characterizing me lollygagging with my butt nestled on a loaded graphite-base Aeron chair in an air-conditioned home office daydreaming about Australian aborigines as “working,” I would say that sort of thing constitutes about ninety percent of the “work” the Civil Service does here in Washington, and I, unlike them, was doing it on a weekend. And what am I supposed to do about it, anyway? Write a memo to my permanent file, perhaps? Not that I, as a self-employed policy consultant, actually have a permanent file. It turned out to be a half-decent day here in Great Falls today, too, and as my thoughts drifted from what it might be like to run around naked with a boomerang chasing kangaroos to what might be transpiring in the sun-dappled woods outside the window, my phone rang. Caller ID wouldn’t say who it was, but, as might be readily deduced from my account so far, at that point I didn’t really care.
Tom: Hello, who’s this?
Cuccinelli: This is Ken Cuccinelli, Attorney General of the Commonwealth of Virginia. Is this Tom Collins?
Tom: Yes, sir, it certainly is. What can I do for you?
Cuccinelli: Well, as I’m sure you know, I’ve been in the news quite a bit lately.
Tom: Indeed you have.
Cuccinelli: And I’ve been contacted – on the Q.T., of course – by a number of prominent Republicans, with whom I’ve had quite a few frank and highly productive conversations.
Tom: How exciting.
Cuccinelli: My sentiments, exactly. And, you may be pleased to hear, several of them mentioned your name. They say you’re the smartest person inside the Beltway.
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Cuccinelli: Baltimore? Oh, I wouldn’t know much about that. I was born in New Jersey and grew up in Fairfax, Virginia. Those Orioles, they’re a pretty good baseball team, I guess. We take the kids up to that aquarium every couple of years, too.
Tom: That’s very family-oriented of you, Mr. Attorney General.
Cuccinelli: Call me Ken.
Tom: Okay, Ken. Tell me, is it true that you know all the words to “Rapper’s Delight” by the Sugarhill Gang?
Cuccinelli: Yep. Just show me a karaoke machine and I’ll perform the whole thing, hand gestures and all!
Tom: Formidable. That’s a really, really long rap song.
Cuccinelli: It’s got a lot to say, you know…
… I like to say hello
To the black, to the white,
The red, and the brown,
The purple and yellow,
But first I gotta bang bang the boogie
To the boogie say up jump the boogie
To the bang bang boogie…
Tom: Truly noble sentiments, Ken.
Cuccinelli: You bet, Tom. Equality, freedom and stuff, that’s what America in general, and the great Commonwealth of Virginia in particular, are all about.
Tom: And I must say, it’s good to know, Ken, that we have brilliant minds like yours, inspired by such sublime artistic achievements, guiding the people’s way.
Cuccinelli: Gee, thanks. I guess they’re right – you are really, like, exceptionally smart. Good thing I called you. But, um… I… ah, there’s this certain, somewhat embarrassing issue…
Tom: You can’t afford my rates.
Cuccinelli: Yeah, yeah, that’s it. But I hear you often give the first consultation…
Tom: …or two…
Cuccinelli:…without charge?
Tom: No problem.
Cuccinelli: Oh, great, thanks! Then, of course, there’s the confidentiality issue.
Tom: Ken, you may rest assured that you will receive the same level of confidentiality that I provide my paying customers.
Cuccinelli: Excellent! So what I’m calling about…
Tom: You want to run for President.
Cuccinelli: Uh…
Tom: In 2020.
Cuccinelli: Er…
Tom: Your supporters have been saying you should do it, right?
Cuccinelli: Um, right.
Tom: And you figure, you’ve got the boyish good looks, the nice, presentable, well-behaved family with what, six kids?
Cuccinelli: Seven.
Tom: Right. And, just as importantly, you’ve proved you know how to attract copious attention from the media.
Cuccinelli: You really think so? Because I haven’t actually been trying to do that, you know.
Tom: You mean you weren’t trying to attract media attention when you sent a letter out to all the public colleges and universities in Virginia that said… let’s see now, if I remember it correctly, something like, “It is my advice that the law and public policy of the Commonwealth of Virginia prohibit a college or university from including ‘sexual orientation,’ ‘gender identity,’ ‘gender expression,’ or like classification as a protected class within its non-discrimination policy…” or words to that effect?
Cuccinelli: Absolutely not.
Tom: You’re saying you didn’t do that in order to get your name in the papers, to have it mentioned in every televised news program in the United States and many others abroad, so that everyone in the world would know who Ken Cuccinelli is and what he stands for?
Cuccinelli: No way, cool dude! I was just doing my job, representing the hard-working, family-values holding, conservative-voting parents of the Commonwealth of Virginia, whom, I happen to know, unanimously disapprove of gays and don’t want them going to school with their children; Virginia kids, who are not just straight, not just innocent teenagers, but, also, more importantly, medically verifiable, physically intact legal virgins-in-fact, who will stay that way until after becoming both duly joined according to the laws of the Commonwealth, and just as significantly, blessed by their relevant and appropriate religious authority in a Virginia marriage that is strictly defined as the union of a naturally formed biological man with a likewise naturally formed biological woman.
Tom: Was it some young guy in the Fairfax County high school gym shower?
Cuccinelli: Huh?
Tom: Or some young guy at the University of Virginia, maybe?
Cuccinelli: I don’t understand. What are you talking about?
Tom: Well, let me put it this way – are you trying to prove something about yourself – or maybe prove something to yourself – by fathering seven children?
Cuccinelli: I’m Catholic!
Tom: So am I, but I don’t feel a need to procreate like a rabbit because of it.
Cuccinelli: I love my wife! She loves me!
Tom: I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally.
Cuccinelli: Okay, I get it. No, I’m not a latent homosexual, all right? Yeah, I know, if I was one, and it got out, I could never be President. But I’m not. I’m straight; completely straight. I’ve always been straight, too. I’m a devout Catholic, homosexuality is a mortal sin, and there’s no way Ken Cuccinelli’s going to burn in Hell for eternity just because some young guy might look – or sound, or smell – kind of sexy to him; not that one ever has, mind you.
Tom: Two questions. Are you in favor of the Westboro Kansas Baptist Church picketing the funerals of US service personnel; and, what’s your favorite Chinese dish?
Cuccinelli: In principal, on constitutional grounds, yes. And Sum Yong Gai. Can’t get enough of it.
Tom: So, the fact that members of the Westboro Kansas Baptist Church are picketing US service men’s and women’s funerals is because they believe, and I quote “God hates fags,” and that they believe He is punishing America for tolerating gays by allowing Satanically inspired Islamic radicals to kill our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan – all that has nothing to do with it?
Cuccinelli: Nothing at all. If people want to break the Lord’s commandments and commit sodomy or whatever, and it’s not against the law, and/or, a specific case is not brought forth for prosecution under Virginia law by the duly appointed authorities of enforcement, then there’s nothing that I, as the Attorney General, can do; and it doesn’t matter, anyway, because God’s going to punish them real good after they die. Let’s see them get out of that!
Tom: And you don’t, by any chance, have any… ah, issues… with women?
Cuccinelli: None.
Tom: But the Virginia State Seal has a woman on it, right?
Cuccinelli: Yeah, the Seal depicts the Roman goddess Virtus, holding a sword and a spear, standing with her foot on the chest of a fallen, despotic king, above the State Motto: “Sic Semper Tyrannis.”
Tom: And, like most depictions of Roman goddesses, she has an exposed breast.
Cuccinelli: Yeah, the left one.
Tom: And she’s.. what would you say… about a B cup?
Cuccinelli: Don’t talk about Virtus like that!
Tom: Oh, sorry. Anyway, you made headlines again when you re-designed the State Seal so as to cover up Virtus’ left breast and had lapel pins with it made, then distributed them to your staff. But you maintain even that wasn’t because you were trying to cultivate your media notoriety?
Cuccinelli: No, it wasn’t.
Tom: And it’s not because you have some deep-seated issues about women?
Cuccinelli: None, I swear.
Tom: So, you’re just a garden-variety, run-of-the-mill, old-fashioned conservative prude, then?
Cuccinelli: No! I’m a completely original, captivatingly maverick, charismatically attractive, twenty-first century post-modern conservative prude. I style a personal prudeness, I practice a completely individual prude-ification, I craft a unique prude-osity; in short, I own my personal, individually created prude-idity!
Tom: Is that why you’ve got all the feminists so infuriated?
Cuccinelli: I’d be seriously surprised if that wasn’t at least part of it.
Tom: In that case, I’d say well done.
Cuccinelli: Thanks. For a minute there, I thought you had me pegged for some kind of potentially dangerous political nut case!
Tom:
Cuccinelli: Tom?
Tom: Ah, moving right along, then…
Cuccinelli: I backed gun-control advocates who want to keep firearms off the George Mason University campus!
Tom: Yes, I know, and…
Cuccinelli: I argued against extending the Virginia death penalty beyond the murder case triggerman!
Tom: Yes, you did, and…
Cuccinelli: So the Democrats won’t be able to say “Oh, he’s just some kind of knee-jerk conservative,” now will they?
Tom: I have to agree, you would be much more difficult to defeat in 2020 than Rand Paul or Sarah Palin.
Cuccinelli: You bet I would!
Tom: And you’re doing a very good job of keeping your powder dry, I hear; responding to suggestions that you run for president with phrases like “I don’t think that’s going to happen,” “All I care about right now is Virginia,” and “2020 is a long way off.”
Cuccinelli: Well, that’s how the game is played, isn’t it?
Tom: And you’re playing it well. But what’s up with your environmental stance? You filed a suit against the EPA’s proposed regulation of carbon dioxide emissions and said the University of Virginia has to hand over its climate research for legal investigation. Maybe that will help attract TEA Party enthusiasts – if there are any left in 2020, that is – to the Republican candidate. But by then, it’s a safe bet that the only people who will still be convinced that global warming is a hoax will be the ones who also still believe that the Federal Reserve Bank is controlled by extraterrestrial body snatchers posing as thirty-third degree Masons.
Cuccinelli: You’re aware that happens to be the fourth largest voting bloc currently supporting the Republican Party, aren’t you?
Tom: Thanks for the information. In this job, I learn something new every day. But what about this immigration stuff? I mean, Arizona is one thing – it’s right next to Mexico. But Virginia is over a thousand miles from Mexico, and here you are, just this week, issuing an official advisory opinion to all the police chiefs and sheriffs in Virginia which states that… ah, let’s see, I think I have a PDF of it right here… yes, okay… which says, “It is my opinion that Virginia law enforcement officers, including conservation officers, may, like Arizona police officers, inquire into the immigration status of persons stopped or arrested…” And later, during the many and varied news media interviews you got out of doing that, you basically said things like, “A police officer has always had the right to engage in conversations with people. It’s up to them to know whether they are obligated to respond or not,” and other words to that effect, to explain what you meant when you said “stopped” in addition to “arrested.” I mean, really, if, in your opinion, it’s always been the law that the cops in Virginia could ask anyone anything about whatever subject, whenever they want, why issue this official advisory opinion?
Cuccinelli: Because Robert G. Marshall, a Member of the Virginia House of Delegates, requested said opinion, in accordance with Section 2.2 Sub-section 505 of the Code of Virginia, which clearly states, as follows…
Tom: Okay, okay, I get it. And you didn’t, possibly, ask Delegate Marshall to request an advisory opinion on this subject?
Cuccinelli: No.
Tom: Not even one, little tiny, itty-bitty hint?
Cuccinelli: Double-pinky swear, olly-olly-oxen-free-o and no tags back, I so did not do that!
Tom: All right, I believe you, then. Your denial sounded so incredibly sincere, there’s no way I could not believe that you so did not do that.
Cuccinelli: I’ve been practicing.
Tom: It shows. But what about your lawsuit against President Obama’s health care plan? If doing something like that isn’t a brazen, calculated attempt to cop ink and eyeballs, what else could it be? I mean, come on, Ken, anybody who wasn’t grabbing for photo ops and interviews with a stunt like that would have to be terminally Quixotic, wouldn’t they?
Cuccinelli: It’s the principle of the thing, entirely, pure and simple. Requiring the people of Virginia to buy health insurance is like requiring them all to buy Chevrolets!
Tom: Um, with all due respect to General Motors, Ken, because I know Chevrolets are nice cars – aren’t the provisions of Obama’s health care bill somewhat more like requiring everyone who drives a car in Virginia to purchase auto insurance?
Cuccinelli: No, it’s different.
Tom: How?
Cuccinelli: Well, okay, I’m not exactly sure. But I’ve assigned E. Duncan Getchell, Jr. to figure it out.
Tom: Who’s he?
Cuccinelli: He’s the Virginia Solicitor General. He works for me; real smart guy, just like you. I’m sure he can explain it all to the Supreme Court there in Washington, no problem; it shouldn’t be too hard, most of them hate Obama anyway, just on general principles. So, what do you think? If I stay the course I’m on, do I have a shot at the Republican presidential nomination in 2020?
Tom: As I see it, Ken, there are two major obstacles standing in your way.
Cuccinelli: What’s the first one?
Tom: You’re an Italian American.
Cuccinelli: Why should that matter? America’s already had a Catholic president – John F. Kennedy!
Tom: Kennedy was an Irish American. The Irish are cute. General Mills put a leprechaun on the Lucky Charms cereal box. You see any cereal boxes with Italian characters on them? No, because Italians aren’t cute – they’re scary.
Cuccinelli: I always thought Snap, Crackle and Pop were Italian. They look Italian, don’t they? Doesn’t Crackle sort of look like Pinocchio?
Tom: Crackle’s nose isn’t anywhere near long enough.
Cuccinelli: What about his hat?
Tom: What, did the Italians invent stocking caps? Look, they’re elves, okay? And when the American public finally gets to the point where they consider the Italians to be as cute as the Irish, some multinational food corporation will put a picture of Tony Soprano on a box of cereal and then you can be president of the United States.
Cuccinelli: Think that will happen by 2020?
Tom: I recommend you ask Rudy Giuliani.
Cuccinelli: What’s the other one?
Tom: You’re an engineer.
Cuccinelli: So?
Tom: So America’s already had two presidents who were engineers.
Cuccinelli: Who?
Tom: Hebert Hoover…
Cuccinelli: Oh, sh… shoot!
Tom: … and Jimmy Carter.
Cuccinelli: Gosh darn it all! What is it about being somebody who’s an objective, cold-blooded engineer with things that does whatever it was it did to Herbert Hoover and Jimmy Carter?
Tom: Ask your wife.
Cuccinelli: I guess I will. Very well, then, perhaps I’m not exactly the perfect specimen, but I’ve got other qualifications. I’m a lawyer, too.
Tom: Richard Nixon was a lawyer. So is Bill Clinton.
Cuccinelli: But what have those two got in common?
Tom: They both almost got impeached.
Cuccinelli: Oh. Yeah. Okay, then, Tom. I’ve got to be going now. Thanks for your advice.
Tom: You’re welcome. Mind if I ask a couple more question, though?
Cuccinelli: Sure. What?
Tom: That chicken really taste like wood?
Cuccinelli: Yep.
Tom: Off the hook. What kind?
Cuccinelli: Knotty pine.
Tom: Solid. And are you sure your mommy and daddy gave you enough attention when you were young?
Cuccinelli: Let me get back to you on that.
Tom: Certainly. Goodbye, Ken.
Cuccinelli: ‘Bye.