I got started at eight in the morning today, owing to the fact that my first consultation consisted of a telephone call from President Alexander Lukashenko in Minsk. It was three in the afternoon there, of course. President Lukashenko, not being fluent in English, spoke through an interpreter.
Interpreter: Hello? Tom Collins?
Tom: This is he.
Interpreter: Good day, Mr. Collins. I am here in Minsk, capital of the Republic of Belarus, with President Lukashenko.
Tom: Good afternoon, Mr. President.
Interpreter: He says, Good morning to you.
Tom: I am honored to receive your telephone call, Mr. President.
Interpreter: He says, He assumed you would be.
Tom: Naturally. How, may I ask, did you decide to contact me?
Interpreter: President Lukashenko says, He heard about you from President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran.
Tom: Really? I would never have expected that.
Interpreter: President Lukashenko says, He and Mr. Ahmadinejad belong to the same club.
Tom: A club?
Interpreter: He says, Yes, Kim Il Jong, Muammar Gaddafi and several other notable political leaders of similar capabilities are members, too. Meetings are held once a month by satellite teleconference. They call themselves “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.”
Tom: My goodness, how… clever.
Interpreter: He says, Yes, we think so too, and does he look like Sean Connery to you? Because that is who he prefers to think of himself as, like in the motion picture; and that Gaddafi and Ahmadinejad are always arguing about who looks more like Naseeruddin Shah. He does not think either of them do, however.
Tom: Fascinating. I agree, President Lukashenko looks very much like Sean Connery, with a moustache and a sun tan, of course. And so, how may I be of assistance?
Interpreter: President Lukashenko says, It’s the election, which he won, fair and square, as you Americans put it, with eighty percent of the vote. But his opponents are proving to be, again as you would say, a bunch of sore losers.
Tom: Well, President Lukashenko certainly isn’t alone – there are more contested elections around the world right now than Carter has Little Liver Pills.
Interpreter: He is asking, What is wrong with Jimmy Carter’s liver?
Tom: Nothing; that was just another quaint American figure of speech, like “fair and square.”
Interpreter: He is asking, What does this expression mean, and where did it come from?
Tom: It means “very, very many,” essentially. There are very, very many contested elections across the globe right at the moment. As for the origin of the phrase, it’s a long story and I suggest you look it up on the Internet and report the results to President Lukashenko.
Interpreter: He says, Yes, there are a lot of such cases lately – Iraq, Kyrgyzstan, Thailand, Afghanistan, Sudan, Ivory Coast and so forth. He says, God had His reasons why he did not give pigs horns.
Tom: I beg your pardon?
Interpreter: He says, This a figure of speech in Belarus. He says, What he means in this context is, just because people get the right to vote, that is no guarantee they will do anything sensible with it.
Tom: Well, yes, I am familiar with that observation. I hear it from members of the losing party here in Washington every election. But we in the United States believe that the fundamental assumption of democracy is that the will of the people, expressed in their election votes, is the best political wisdom a society can produce.
Interpreter: He says, “A smile without a reason is the sign of an American.” This is also a Belarusian saying.
Tom: Um, yes, well, anyway… so, Mr. President, what specific problems with the Belarusian elections particularly concern you?
Interpreter: He says, That hooligans and vandals are using his election victory as a pretext to commit widespread acts of criminality and social unrest; and that the international community misunderstands his sincere efforts to maintain domestic safety and social order in the nation of Belarus.
Tom: In that case, perhaps the essential problem devolves to one of perception.
Interpreter: President Lukashenko says, What perceptions are you talking about?
Tom: Well, for example, last Sunday, when the opposition parties and their candidates announced that those who are dissatisfied with President Lukashenko’s election to a fourth consecutive term should gather in Minsk Central Square to protest, the local authorities immediately turned fire hoses onto the square, flooding it with water which, given the frigid December conditions in Belarus, promptly froze into a thick layer of ice. Now, on the one hand, I know that President Lukashenko wished only to provide public ice skating for the holidays, but, on the other, it did not appear that way to the outside world.
Interpreter: He says, And what did the outside world see, then? That he was trying to make difficulties for the protesters, he surmises. He says, The protesters arrived and demonstrated anyway, did they not?
Tom: Yes, they certainly did.
Interpreter: He says, But then, when social unrest and criminal behavior broke out, and the hooligans forced him to take appropriate steps to restore civil order, the usual police procedures used in such situations were somehow misperceived by foreigners as inappropriate acts of political oppression.
Tom: With all due respect, President Lukashenko had every opposition candidate at the protest rally arrested and jailed. The police beat them bloody. One of them has a broken leg now.
Interpreter: He says, What is the problem with these guys, anyway? They want to be president of Belarus, but they scream blue murder over a few broken noses, arms and legs? This shows that they are nothing but a bunch of sissies who couldn’t run Belarus properly anyway; and besides, they were drunk and disorderly.
Tom: All of them?
Interpreter: He says, Of course they were. If they were weren’t all a bunch of demented alcoholics in the first place, they would have had the common sense not to oppose him in the election. He also says, Besides, what is the big deal here? Are not there widespread riots going on right now in England, which the British antisocial criminal elements claim are about reduction in government support for higher education? And is it not the case that, just last week, hooligans attacked an official vehicle containing the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall? And what did the hooligans yell at them? They yelled, “Tory scum! Tory scum!” Did they not? And did not the London police step in and make the proper arrests? Are you saying those hooligans were not obviously drunk and disorderly when they did that? So how, President Lukashenko would like to know, is that different? He asks, Why is the world media not universally condemning the British government for what it is doing to these so-called “students” in England, whom anyone with the brains God gave a sturgeon can see are no different from the so-called “voters” gathered in public places all over Belarus, obviously seeking to cause trouble?
Tom: You must realize, Mr. President, that the Prince of Wales is not an elective office. His Royal Highness Charles Phillip Arthur George, scion of the House of Windsor, formerly Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, is a direct descendant of the Elector of Hanover, and as such, the ultimate and consummate upper-class twit. In contemporary Britain, has no political power whatsoever. He couldn’t change the government’s policy on garbage collection, much less university funding. He’s nothing more than a silly, expensive, useless figurehead for old ladies to dote on and gossip about during high tea. Surely, Mr. President, you do yourself a disservice in seeking to make any sort of comparison involving such a dim-witted parasite.
Interpreter: President Lukashenko says he is pleased that you have greater disdain for Prince Charles than you have for him. He says, Thank you very much, Mr. Collins.
Tom: You are welcome, Mr. President. But what about the foreign press? The police beat them up and chased them away.
Interpreter: President Lukashenko says, When a magpie sees what you are doing, it need only tell a fence post about it, and the whole village will know.
Tom: Huh? That is, excuse me, Mr. President?
Interpreter: This is another Belarusian saying. He means, You had better not let that magpie see what you are up to, if you don’t want… how do you say it, your dirty laundry washed in front of the neighbors?
Tom: Yes, I understand. But freedom of information is an essential part of the democratic process.
Interpreter: President Lukashenko says, In that case, why is the United States government so upset about Wikileaks? Is it not also because they don’t want the magpie talking to the fence post? How is this different from us making sincere and helpful suggestions to members of the foreign press, that they go elsewhere and report stories about the festive holiday celebrations in the colorful and charming tourist destination of Minsk?
Tom: I guess one key difference, Mr. President, would be that the material published by Wikileaks was classified information.
Interpreter: He says, Yes, it was, but now everybody knows about it; however, the Belarusian Embassy there in Washington tells him that the US government has forbidden anyone holding a security clearance from reading what Wikileaks released, even though anybody can read it now. He says, Even members of Al-Qaeda can read it, but not anyone with a US security clearance; and why is that?
Tom: Ah, yes, that… ah, well, Mr. President, you see, according to the United States government, despite the obvious fact that the classified information released by Wikileaks is now available for anyone to read, it is still, nevertheless, classified. And US security regulations dictate…
Interpreter: He says, Excuse me, but did you say “dictate?”
Tom: Um, yes, as matter of fact, I did.
Interpreter: He says, Ah-ha! So there! Dictate! Your American government, it dictates, too, just like him! It dictates with its regulations!
Tom: Perhaps I should have said “mandate.”
Interpreter: He says, Uh-uh, no making like your American Indian giver! He says, Gotcha!
Tom: Oh, all right, then. US security regulations… dictate… that anyone holding a security clearance is forbidden access to any classified material, except that which they have a need to know. So, for any given piece of classified material on Wikileaks, or any of the thousands of Wikileak mirror sites, for that matter, if any Americans with security clearances have a need to know it, they have already seen it, and if they don’t, they shouldn’t be looking at it.
Interpreter: He says, And this is how your government thinks? So what makes them so high and mighty, that they can behave like that, then turn around and threaten sanctions against Belarus because of how we manage our information?
Tom: I’d say, Mr. President, we here in the United States have Woodrow Wilson, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan and George H. W. Bush to thank for our self-righteous, supercilious, meddling attitude concerning foreign policy.
Interpreter: He says, Right, see what happens when you change presidents so often? This is why it will be good for Belarus when he remains in office for five, six, or even more terms.
Tom: Point taken, Mr. President. So, as far as you are concerned, arresting your opposition, locking up protesters, expelling students who disagree with you from their universities, handing out fifteen year prison sentences to your political rivals, and basically running an old-fashioned Soviet-style police state with the KGB following anybody who disagrees with you around all the time is good for Belarus?
Interpreter: He says, A wolf is not a shepherd and a goat is not a gardener.
Tom: What?
Interpreter: He says, This is another figure of speech from Belarus. It means, as you might say, one cannot put the fox in charge of the chicken coop. He, President Lukashenko, can keep the eggs of Belarus safe; these others, they want to eat the eggs, the chickens and the rooster, too. They are bandits, he is the good guy.
Tom: I don’t think President Obama sees things that way, however.
Interpreter: Uh… President Lukashenko says, That is because… Obama… has his head inserted… in, um, his fundamental bodily orifice, and… er, how would President Obama like to try running a country populated with… uh, ignorant, unsophisticated… and, ah… fractious… idiots and morons, most of whom can’t even find their own country on a map?
Tom: I’m afraid he already does, unfortunately.
Interpreter: President Lukashenko says, Very well… um… fornicate these comparisons, then, what do you suggest he do to address his predicament?
Tom: He could start by releasing all political prisoners.
Interpreter: He says, This is not feasible.
Tom: He could stop sending in police to break up peaceful demonstrations.
Interpreter: He says, This is not practical.
Tom: He could allow a free press.
Interpreter: He says, That would be too dangerous.
Tom: He could order the KGB to stop following people around.
Interpreter: He says, Then he would be paying them to do nothing, and what sense does that make?
Tom: Okay, then, how about he sends everyone a nice fruit basket?
Interpreter: He says, Belarusians… um… aren’t exactly wild about fruit.
Tom: Then how about baskets of chocolates and little bottles of vodka?
Interpreter: He says, That would be too expensive.
Tom: In that case, he could send them greeting cards instead.
Interpreter: He says, No way is he signing nine and one half million greeting cards.
Tom: He won’t have to. He can order them pre-printed with his signature.
Interpreter: He asks, What would the cards say?
Tom: Oh, gee whiz, good question. How about some pithy Belarusian proverbs?
Interpreter: He says, That sounds good. He suggests, “Even a sheep can mow hay if someone else holds the scythe,” on the cover, and “Hit an owl with a stick, or hit a stick with an owl, it’s the owl that suffers” on the inside.
Tom: Well, that certainly seems to sum up the situation in Belarus right now pretty well.
Interpreter: President Lukashenko asks, If he sends all those cards, do you think it will keep the international community from imposing more sanctions?
Tom: Frankly, I doubt it. But it might make them less severe.
Interpreter: He says, Considering how tough it is to get a decent bottle of champagne in Minsk these days, it might be worth a try. Therefore, this is something he will consider. He asks, do you have any other similar ideas?
Tom: Oh, yes, plenty.
Interpreter: He asks, Could he send you an e-mail, and you then Reply to him with that list?
Tom: Certainly. It would be a pleasure.
Interpreter: The President says, He would like to chat more, but he has received urgent communications which require immediate attention.
Tom: I understand. No problem.
Interpreter: He asks, Would it be okay if we pay you in Belarusian Rubles?
Tom: Um… I would prefer real money, if that’s not too much of a problem.
Interpreter: You mean Euros?
Tom: Euros would be quite satisfactory.
Interpreter: He says, With Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece and Spain about to go down the… um… down the soil stack of the commode any day now, what is the fornicating difference?
Tom: Not much, I guess. It’s just that Belarusian Rubles are… ah, rather difficult to exchange here in the US. Do you, perhaps, have some dollars knocking around there in your treasury? Those would do just fine.
Interpreter: President Lukashenko says, Okay, we will pay you in dollars, but those are not worth… um, a reeking pile of dog excrement these days, either.
Tom: Sir, the dollar may only buy a reeking pile of dog excrement these days, but it’s a reeking pile of American dog excrement, and I’m damn proud of it.
Interpreter: The President says, So be it, we will send you a big pile of reeking dog excrement American dollars, then.
Tom: Thanks. Have a nice day, President Lukashenko.
Interpreter: He says, Good bye and good luck, Tom Collins.