I’ve been so busy lately I had to work ten hours today just to catch up so I’d be ready for everything scheduled on Monday. Gretchen put in eight hours herself, preparing documents and doing on-line research; she doesn’t mind working Saturdays because I pay her double for weekend overtime. But about six in the evening, just as things were winding down, the telephone on my desk warbled.
“Mr. Collins?” Gretchen’s voice had a definite air of uncertainty about it. “I’ve got a guy holding on Line One who says he’s named ‘Senator Santorum.’ Is this one of your weird friend’s idea of a joke or something?”
“What makes you think that?” I replied.
“Because, well… everybody knows what ‘santorum’ is, and maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s pretty damned disgusting for somebody to call here and say that’s their name, you know? I mean, if somebody called here and said they were named ‘Mr. Snot,’ or ‘Ms. Puke’ or ‘Dr. Spooge’ or something…”
“No, no,” I interrupted, as politely as possible, “I’m sure it really is Senator Rick Santorum you’ve got there. The ‘santorum’ you’re thinking of is named after him.”
“What!” Gretchen exclaimed with a little shriek of shock. “A frothy, foaming mixture of lubricant, [expletive] and [expletive] that leaks out of a person’s [expletive] after they get [expletive] in the [expletive]? Who named that stuff after this guy?”
“Gays,” I informed her.
“Jesus, Mr. Collins,” she gasped. “What on Earth for?”
“Rick Santorum,” I continued, “Is a well known and highly outspoken conservative champion of… well, let’s just say… ‘traditional values’ and leave it at that.”
“So,” Gretchen surmised “He hates gays?”
“I’m sure,” I assured her, “he would strongly disagree. Being a good Christian, he loves sinners – he only hates their sins.”
“Well,” she opined, “it definitely looks like the gays hate him.”
“Maybe,” I conceded, “but on the other hand, you have to admit, they have certainly made his name a household word. Put him through.”
Santorum: Hello? Tom Collins?
Tom: Good evening, Senator Santorum. How can I help you?
Santorum: Well, Tom… you don’t mind if I call you “Tom” do you?
Tom: No problem; everybody does.
Santorum: Good. As you probably know, Tom, I attended the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington this week.
Tom: I know. It ended today. How did it go? Did everybody have a good time?
Santorum: Oh, I’m pretty sure they did. Ron Paul dragged a whole army of college kids along with him this time, and you know those conservative collegiate types. I hear the after-parties went on until dawn.
Tom: Sounds like fun.
Santorum: Good clean conservative fun!
Tom: Of course. That’s the best kind.
Santorum: Absolutely. But, again, as you probably heard, a certain other Republican…
Tom: You mean Sarah Palin?
Santorum: Right. Earlier this week, I was giving an interview to S.E. Cupp on her show at Glenn Beck’s Web site, and, as usual, I spoke from the heart. I said that Haley Barbour and Mitch Daniels and folks like them, who want the Republicans to forget about the social issues, they’re all making a big mistake.
Tom: How so?
Santorum: Because I’m convinced that people vote Republican because of our social convictions, not in spite of them.
Tom: Gee, I thought people voted Republican because they want lower taxes.
Santorum: Well, yes…
Tom: And to get the federal government off their backs.
Santorum: Of course…
Tom: And to save our health care system from the evils of Socialism.
Santorum: That, too…
Tom: And demolish the Federal Reserve System.
Santorum: No doubt about it…
Tom: And bring back the gold standard.
Santorum: Sure, sure, gold is real money, after all…
Tom: And keep the illegal aliens out.
Santorum: To preserve American jobs…
Tom: Like picking produce, operating leaf blowers and collecting garbage.
Santorum: And washing cars, and waiting tables…
Tom: And to get rid of all those nasty, useless government regulations, so all the little Mom and Pop petroleum companies and investment banks can create the wealth of our nation without being hindered by the meddling of some nameless, faceless, pointy-headed federal bureaucrats who don’t know anything about their businesses and never met a payroll in their entire life.
Santorum: Exactly! But that doesn’t mean those very same voters aren’t also overwhelmingly in favor of keeping God and Creation in our schools – and homo teachers out of them, too; or protecting the rights of innocent pre-born babies, for that matter.
Tom: Do you mean, then, they’re against government interference at the marketplace, the factory and the town square, but they’re for government interference in the bedroom, the classroom and the doctor’s office?
Santorum: Sure.
Tom: They don’t want nameless, faceless pointy-headed government bureaucrats telling them how to run their hamburger stand or looking over their shoulder while they toil away on an assembly line, but, on the other hand, they want nameless, faceless pointy-headed government law enforcement officers interfering with people’s private lives?
Santorum: Other people’s private lives, Tom – not theirs.
Tom: And you understand that, and that’s why you’d make a better President than Haley Barbour or Mitch Daniels?
Santorum: Much better. And neither of those guys had a decent comeback to my remarks, either.
Tom: And they were substantive remarks, too.
Santorum: They were indeed. Then, Cupp asked me to speculate on something – something really sort of trivial, you know? She remarked that Sarah Palin wasn’t going to attend CPAC this week, and asked why I thought that she wasn’t coming. And I said that I had a feeling – a feeling, Tom, that’s all – that she had some demands on her time, and that probably a lot of those demands had financial benefit attached to them, and that between all those business opportunities and all those kids she has to look after, being a good conservative mother and all, I guessed she probably just didn’t have time for CPAC. And I said besides, Alaska is a long way off and I was sure she was doing what was best for her family – it’s not like I’m a mother who has to worry about five kids, and she is and she does. Tom, I barely had time to change my socks before Palin and her entire organization were on the warpath – over a completely non-substantive, off-the-cuff thing I tossed off during an interview! Can you believe it? Next thing I know, she’s telling Sean Hannity I’m second cousin to the Devil Himself!
Tom: Well, at least she didn’t call you a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.
Santorum: No, she said she’d let my wife call me that!
Tom: But she never would?
Santorum: Never! No way my wife thinks I’m a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal!
Tom: What makes you so certain?
Santorum: She doesn’t believe in evolution!
Tom: Oh, okay. Makes sense to me.
Santorum: I tell you Tom, that Palin woman is too popular for her own good, that’s what she is. Did you know that when a Sarah Palin imposter crashed CPAC yesterday, she got more attention that Mitt Romney, who was up on the podium delivering a speech at the time?
Tom: So I heard.
Santorum: People wanted to see Palin so much, they went bananas for a bad imitation. You know what I think?
Tom: What’s that?
Santorum: I think Palin has so much star power, no other Republican has a chance to be our next presidential nominee.
Tom: Hmm… could be.
Santorum: And I said something about her, casually, and not in a mean way – not at all – and what does she do? She squashed me like a bug, that’s what! I tried apologizing, Tom, I’m sure you know how hard I tried to set things right. I backpedaled in public…
Tom: I know, I watched you do it.
Santorum: And I groveled in private, too, Tom. I groveled for her! But all she did was laugh at me!
Tom: It sure sounds like you have a problem, all right.
Santorum: That’s why I called you! What can I do to make her change her mind? You should have seen it, Tom – Romney was totally humiliated! There he was, delivering the speech that was supposed to convince the conservative Republicans that he’s the one who ought to carry their banner to the White House in 2012 – not that he really is, but you know what I mean – and everybody was completely ignoring him because they thought Sarah Palin had just walked into the building! I tell you, unless there’s some kind of miracle… or disaster, she’s going to be the one! Yeah, sure, there’s no way I can get the presidential nomination with her around, and sure, I put my foot in it and that made her mad at me, but how do I fix that and then get on the ticket as her running mate?
Tom: I see. Um, okay – in some respects, it’s sort of like it’s high school, and she’s the most popular cheerleader and you’re the treasurer of the AV club, and you said something like, “I’m sure she’d like to stay after school and be with us here at the student council debates, but she has to work at Burger King instead so she can buy makeup and new clothes.” All of which you mean in a good way, but the captain of the football team seizes the opportunity to diss you. He tells her what you said in a way that makes it look really bad, like you think she’s all stuck up and selfish. So she gets mad and tells everybody that she thinks you haven’t started puberty yet, but she isn’t going to say so – she’ll let the guys in your gym class figure it out instead.
Santorum: Hey, hold on there a minute! Of course I’ve started puberty! I have seven kids!
Tom: Ah, yeah, okay… I said the situation is like something from high school. It’s an analogy.
Santorum: Oh. Right.
Tom: So anyhow, what do you and the treasurer of the AV club have in common?
Santorum: We both like movies?
Tom: Well… yes, but more importantly, in both cases, before you said what you did, the girl didn’t even know you existed. Afterward, granted, she’s mad at you, but you also have her attention. You’ve got her thinking about you, even if what she happens to be thinking about is how to get the varsity squad to beat you up. You’ve made an impression – she won’t forget you. She can’t forget you. Now, speaking of movies, what do you think when you see a male character and a female character in a Hollywood movie start off hating each other at the beginning?
Santorum: That by the end of the movie, they’re going to… oh, I get it. You’re saying Sarah wouldn’t have jumped all over me like that if there wasn’t something about me that she likes – only it’s subconscious and she doesn’t know it yet!
Tom: Precisely. Why should the most popular cheerleader care what the treasurer of AV club said at some dorky after-school student council debate, anyway? Unless…
Santorum: She’s going to pick me! Me! Me for Vice President!
Tom: Considering her actions, I’d say that’s a strong possibility. After all, it could be much, much worse, you know.
Santorum: How?
Tom: She could have completely ignored what you said about her. But as it turned out, you received a great deal of free name recognition publicity.
Santorum: Hey, come to think of it, that’s right.
Tom: Mitt Romney should be so lucky.
Santorum: Ha! Yeah, poor Mitt. Great. Okay, so I wait for Sarah to cool off and then turn on the old charm while we run things up to the next election?
Tom: Correct. 2012 is a long way off. A lot can happen. Time heals all wounds. Hate is not the opposite of love – indifference is. Perhaps Sarah Palin hates you at the moment, but in time, human nature being what it is, that will change.
Santorum: And meanwhile, thanks to her, my name is a household word.
Tom: Oh yes – now more than ever.
Santorum: Huh? Um, yeah, okay, great! Thanks for the advice.
Tom: You’re welcome, senator. Good luck.
Santorum: You, too! Goodbye!