As luck would have it, the sudden cancellation of an afternoon appointment created a dead spot in my schedule today, which the Goddess of Serendipity immediately filled with an unscheduled telephone call from Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. “Can you do me a favor and tell that union-busting Koch-sucker to go [expletive] himself?” Gretchen requested as she told me who was waiting on Line Two. “One of my cousins is an English teacher in Kenosha.”
“How about I order a large macaroni and cheese pie for the protesters from Ian’s Pizza in Madison,” I replied, “and ask them to write on the box that you sent it?”
“Oh, all right,” she sighed. “Tell them it should say, ‘To Karen, from Gretchen in DC’ on it. Here’s Governor Walker.”
Walker: Hello, is this Tom Collins?
Tom: Yes it is, Governor. How may I help you?
Walker: Okay, then, which politician did you discuss with another politician who attended CPAC in Washington during a consultation that occurred on February 12th?
Tom: That would be – former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, whom I discussed with former United States Senator Rick Santorum, on Saturday, February 12th, the day that the CPAC conference here in Washington ended. Why do you ask?
Walker: Because… um… that is… ah, I just want to make sure I’m talking to the real Tom Collins, that’s all.
Tom: Governor, may I point out that you happen to be calling me?
Walker: Uh-huh… um… how does that make a difference?
Tom: Well, I suppose in special cases like yours, it doesn’t. May I ask where you got my telephone number?
Walker: From Rick Santorum.
Tom: I see. I must remember to thank him for the reference. Well, are you convinced that I’m me now?
Walker: Ah, yeah… I guess I am.
Tom: Excellent. So, as I inquired previously, how can I help you?
Walker: Um… ah… yeah… right – it all started when I got this telephone call from David Koch, only it wasn’t David Koch, see, it was this guy Ian Murphy pretending to be David Koch. And what I didn’t know, see, was that he was an impostor. So we talked for about twenty minutes, and what I also didn’t know was, this guy Murphy was taping our conversation, which is apparently legal in Buffalo, New York which is where he was calling from…
Tom: You thought David Koch was calling you from Buffalo?
Walker: Ah… yeah… well… see, when my staff got the call, they asked for a number to call back, but he told them that his illegal immigrant maid had left his cell phone in his pants when she put them in the washing machine and so he should just call back when I was available…
Tom: And your staff believed that?
Walker: Well, when he said he was so mad, he wanted to deport her back to Mexico, but that he decided not to because she works for almost nothing, they figured it had to be David Koch!
Tom: Indubitably.
Walker: And besides, when I talked to him on the phone, he called the Democrats “bastards” and talked about working them over with baseball bats and how they’re all a bunch of Communists and stuff – I mean, he certainly sounded like a conservative billionaire, that’s for sure.
Tom: Actually, it was you who likened the public employees unions to Communists, wasn’t it? When you told Murphy that story about how, after the Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl, you pulled out a picture of Ronald Reagan during a celebration and announced to everyone there how much you admired him for firing the air traffic controllers?
Walker: Uh, yeah, well, I did, but…
Tom: And then you went on to say that sent a message to the Communists about how Reagan wasn’t going to be a push-over, and that firing the air traffic controllers was “the first crack in the Berlin wall,” right?
Walker: Okay, well, I maybe I did, but it’s not like I meant the air traffic controllers where Communists.
Tom: In that case, if you didn’t mean to liken them to Communists, pray tell, what in the world did the Air Traffic Controllers’ Union have to do with the Berlin Wall?
Walkers: Foreign travel, maybe? You know, airlines… faraway places with strange sounding names… I donno… something like that – that’s what I meant. Probably. I’d have to think about it some more.
Tom: Interesting. So, what about that plot you were hatching with Republican Wisconsin state senators to lure the Democrats back into the Wisconsin state Capitol building?
Walker: Well, actually, I’m pretty sure that would have worked if this Murphy guy hadn’t let the cat out of the bag. I was going to agree to talk – not negotiate, mind you, just talk…
Tom: As you said on the recording.
Walker: Exactly. Who cares about talk? Let the Democratic leadership yell at me all they want, I figured, just as long as they agreed to get those fourteen Democratic state senators back to Madison and inside the Wisconsin state Capitol building, then, according to my advisors, the Republican state senators could declare a quorum and vote on that budget bill the Democrats were trying to block by running away from Wisconsin and hiding.
Tom: Without the Democrats actually being present on the state Senate floor?
Walker: Yeah, that would be the really neat part, see, because according to my team of advisors, all they need to do is be inside the building! Awesome stuff, huh?
Tom: I’d must admit, it’s nothing I would have thought of. These aren’t, by any chance, the same people who vetted your phone call with Murphy, are they?
Walker: Um, well… not all of them.
Tom: And is this the same group who thought of passing a state Senate rule which says that if any state senator is absent for more than two days, the automatic electronic bank deposits of their pay are stopped and they have to receive a check instead?
Walker: Again, I wouldn’t say that it was exactly the same group, but…
Tom: Tell me, was it your idea to lock those pay checks in the desks on the state Senate floor so the Democrats would have to enter the state Capitol building to get them?
Walker: Aw, shucks – no, I can’t take credit for that, unfortunately. But I’m certain you can see the remarkable level of intellect we have working on the Republican side here.
Tom: Truly remarkable, indeed. So – what do you need advice about – how to handle the reaction to you saying “Oh, yeah,” when Murphy made a lewd comment about Mika Brzezinski’s posterior anatomy?
Walker: Uh, no, not that.
Tom: Then perhaps you’re worried about the fact that, in light of this Murphy telephone call debacle, your exhortation to other Republican governors that they join you in taking a stand against their own states’ public employees unions isn’t attracting any support?
Walker: There’s no doubt that’s very disappointing, but I think I can live with it.
Tom: Is it your comment about planning to use your power as governor to start laying off state workers in retaliation for the protests?
Walker: Not really. I am the governor, after all, and I can do what I want as long as it’s legal. And that would be legal, so, no problem.
Tom: Is it your direction to the Wisconsin attorney general to investigate whether the unions are paying any of the renegade state senator’s expenses so the state can bring criminal charges?
Walker: Hey, if they’ve got nothing to hide, they’ve got nothing to worry about, right? No, it’s not that.
Tom: Is it you agreeing with Murphy when he said that David Axelrod is a “son of a [expletive]?” Or, perhaps, your acceptance of an offer to be shown “a good time” in California as a reward for successfully crushing the Wisconsin public employees unions?
Walker: Hey, a person is entitled to their opinion, aren’t they? And look, I figure if somebody wants to invite me to visit them, and pay the expenses, what’s the problem with that? As long as they don’t live in Wisconsin, of course.
Tom: Then what…
Walker: It’s that thing with the troublemakers.
Tom: Oh… you mean, where Murphy, who you think is David Koch, suggests that the Republicans hire agents provocateurs…
Walker: Hire what?
Tom: Ah… troublemakers… to infiltrate the pro-union ranks and incite…
Walker: Hey, wait a minute! I’ve listened to that tape myself a couple of times by now, and I’m absolutely sure I never said “incite” about anything!
Tom: Okay, then… do whatever it is troublemakers do?
Walker: Well, I told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea, didn’t I?
Tom: After you told him that you had thought about it, and decided it wasn’t a good idea because you didn’t want people to think, “maybe the governor has got to settle to avoid these problems,” if the troublemakers caused a ruckus.
Walker: Um… well…
Tom: That is what you said, isn’t it? Not that it would be illegal, or is clearly unethical, or would obviously pose a significant danger to the citizens of Wisconsin…
Walker: Most of those protesters are from out of state!
Tom: Maybe, maybe not – but it seems to me, I read earlier today that Madison Wisconsin Chief of Police Noble Wray found your remarks about the “troublemakers” to be “very unsettling and disturbing.” Furthermore, I’ve also recently learned that he “would like to hear more of an explanation” from you. Could that be…
Walker: Yeah, yeah, that’s the reason I called. That’s what I need – some advice on how to explain that troublemaker stuff I said to… well, you know… anybody who might ask.
Tom: Understood. Can you hold while I think about this?
Walker: Sure.
[Ninety seconds elapse.]
Tom: Governor Walker?
Walker: What a relief! That must have been like, ten, fifteen minutes! Where were you?
Tom: Thinking.
Walker: Tough problem, huh?
Tom: Monumental. But I’m pretty sure I’ve got it cracked. Here’s what you do: any time somebody brings up the “troublemaker” comments, you explain to them that you never once, not for a single second, ever remotely contemplated the idea, the concept, or even the mere notion of hiring people to do anything the least bit violent. What you were thinking about was hiring people who would do things like show up with protest placards that have stupid slogans and idiotic misspellings, dress up like utter clowns, get the words in the protest chants wrong, clap their hands out of rhythm, release huge clouds of nasty smelling flatulence, step up to anyone with a microphone and start spouting absurd gibberish, pick their noses in front of the cameras, or…
Walker: Okay, I get it – but what if somebody asks me, where on Earth could I possibly expect to find people like that to hire in the first place?
Tom: That’s what’s called an instant no-brainer, Governor – just tell them you’d simply tap the crowd at any TEA Party rally.
Walker: Wow! Santorum was right – you’re a freakin’ Einstein or something, I swear. But, um, you know, with Wisconsin being broke and all, I can’t really afford to…
Tom: No problem, Governor. This one’s on the house. Got to run now, though, so good luck!
Walker: Gee, thanks! Have a nice day! Goodbye!