Thursday, April 14 was unusually grueling – after putting in fourteen hours at my office in Washington, the last thing I needed when I got home to Great Falls, Virginia was yet another person asking for my advice. But that’s what I got – my land line rang not five minutes after I sank, exhausted, into the living room couch. I was so beat, even my cat, Twinkle, who usually gets insulted and gives me the brush-off if I answer the phone while I’m petting her, stayed put, kept purring and, for once, also kept the wisecracks to herself. Caller ID told me it was Hank Krakowski, who, until that morning, had been chief operating officer of the Air Traffic Organization, or, as we call it here in the Nation’s Capital, the ATO.
Krakowski: Hello? Tom?
Tom: Good evening, Hank.
Krakowski: Hi, Tom. I suppose you’ve heard…
Tom: That you resigned? Yeah. I’m really sorry. My sympathies.
Krakowski: Thanks. I appreciate that.
Tom: I guess you really didn’t have much choice in the matter.
Krakowski: No, I didn’t.
Tom: Well, as Jimmy Carter once pointed out, life is unfair.
Krakowski: He ought to know, I guess.
Tom: Right. Look how Reagan sympathizers in the military sabotaged his attempt to rescue our diplomats being held hostage in Iran – just so the Great Prevaricator could defeat him in the 1980 presidential election.
Krakowski: Huh?
Tom: Never mind. In many ways, it was Carter’s own fault for constantly obsessing about those hostages. They were diplomats, they knew the risks, and they took those jobs in Uncle Sam’s Foreign Service anyway. Why Carter had to spend all his time fretting about them is beyond me. So, to what do I owe the honor of this telephone call?
Krakowski: Um… I… er… well, I was kind of like that, too, I suppose. I knew the risks and I took the job anyway. Now I’m up [expletive] creek with no [expletive] paddle, but I don’t have some sanctimonious Southern Baptist cracker like Jimmy Carter all wound up to [expletive] and moan and try to get me out of this frigging [expletive] hole because he feels guilty about it or something. But [expletive] it, Tom, it’s not like I fell asleep at work, is it?
Tom: No, it’s like several people, for whose job performance you are ultimately responsible, fell asleep at work. And, of course, that they had positions approximately as critical for the general public safety and welfare as fire department dispatchers, 911 operators, or nuclear power plant engineers.
Krakowski: Well, okay, when you put it that way, it sort of does sound like I deserved to lose my job. But that’s only one side of the story.
Tom: What’s the other side?
Krakowski: It’s about what it’s like to be an air traffic controller. You can’t have one guy working eight in the morning until four-thirty in the afternoon his whole career, and some other guy working from midnight until eight-thirty in the morning for his, because that second guy isn’t going to do nearly as much work as that first guy, okay? And that’s because – guess what – there’s one hell of a lot more air traffic to control between eight in the morning and four-thirty in the afternoon than there is between midnight and eight-thirty in the morning! So, in the interest of fairness, we have to switch it up, get it?
Tom: So you have a single air traffic controller work from eight in the morning until four-thirty in the afternoon for a few days, then have him work from midnight until eight-thirty in the morning a few days, then have him work from four in the afternoon until half past midnight for a few days, and so forth.
Krakowski: Yeah, yeah, you know what I’m talking about, Tom, we’ve discussed this before.
Tom: I understand. That’s your attempt to be fair about it, and spread the work load evenly. But the problem is, you never give the poor devils a day off between shift changes. That means you often schedule them so they have to work two eight-hour shifts in one twenty-four hour period. And sometimes, you even schedule them to work consecutive shifts. That’s bound to be totally tiring occasionally, like when the air traffic controller has problems at home with their children, or their car breaks down, or they catch a head cold, or the plumbing in their house floods the basement or something, and let’s face it, none of those things are considered valid excuses to skip work when you’re an air traffic controller. So they come in to work anyway – double shift be damned – and try their best. But while the spirit may be willing, the flesh is weak. There they are, all alone, completely beat, on the graveyard shift at a place like Caligula National Airport…
Krakowski: Where?
Tom: Oh, sorry. I mean, Ronald Reagan National Airport, where the night time noise restrictions mean air traffic is as sparse as liberals in the Republican Party, and for an hour, maybe two hours, nothing happens… then suddenly, they wake up with a start and realize they’ve been asleep for twenty minutes. Now, really, whose fault is that?
Krakowski: Exactly what I’m saying!
Tom: So, if it’s actually considered… vital to rotate the air traffic control staff at every American airport around the various work shifts – and who knows, maybe it is, let’s assume that for the sake of argument – then why, might I ask, don’t you at least give those suffering bastards a bloody day off between shift changes so their circadian rhythms can accommodate to the point where their bodies aren’t pumping out melatonin when they should be making adrenaline instead?
Krakowski: Jesus Christ, Tom, you, of all people, ought to know better than that! This is the United States government we’re talking about here!
Tom: Yes, I’m aware that we are. So?
Krakowski: So, what you’re suggesting makes perfect, logical sense!
Tom: Yes, and?
Krakowski: Consequently, as we are both very well aware, the United States government would never, ever do it!
Tom: Yeah, I know. I was just messing with you.
Krakowski: [Laughs] Not bad. You had me going, there, I must admit.
Tom: Forgive me. It’s been a long day.
Krakowski: [Laughs] Right.
Tom: [Laughs] I’ve been up for seventeen hours and I can barely keep my eyes open!
Krakowski: [Laughs] Well, at least you’re not in charge of an airport control tower!
Tom: [Laughs] Thank God for that!
Krakowski: No kidding! [Laughs]
Tom: Of course, you know, the government could just pay the night shift guys less, prorated for the amount of air traffic they control…
Krakowski: No, no, we can’t do that. It’s hard enough to find people who are willing to work the night shift in the first place.
Tom: Okay, then, how about you stabilize the shift assignments, then let air traffic controllers with a certain minimum experience on the other two shifts volunteer to work the graveyard shift in return for more money?
Krakowski: But what about the guys who are already working the graveyard shift?
Tom: Start paying them more money immediately.
Krakowski: Then the air traffic controllers working eight to four-thirty and four to half-past midnight would all file union grievances complaining that we’re treating them unfairly.
Tom: Even if they, themselves, after establishing some sort of de minimis seniority by working, say, six months at their current shift, could apply to work from midnight to four-thirty in the morning if, in fact, they really, really did want that extra money so damn bad?
Krakowski: No, no, because there’s a federal regulation… hey, wait a minute! You’re the one who told me about that, what – eight, ten months ago, wasn’t it? Oh, oh, I got it – you’re pulling my leg again, aren’t you?
Tom: Yeah… I couldn’t resist. Totally punchy at the moment, you know.
Krakowski: To tell you the truth, what with all this absurd brouhaha I’ve had to cope with the last couple of days, I think maybe I got about four hours of sleep since Tuesday myself.
Tom: In that case, I think it’s abundantly clear: neither of us is in any condition to make a serious decision.
Krakowski: Right – like which runway to clear for a 747 on its way to Hong Kong that has to make an emergency landing at my airport while approaching from the north-north east against northwesterly gusts with southerly wind shear warnings, during a thunderstorm that’s coming in from dead 270 west, with the pilot urgently requesting medical assistance, fire trucks and a SWAT team upon landing.
Tom: And that’s why I’m not an air traffic controller – sleep deprivation or no sleep deprivation, that job utterly sucks!
Krakowski: Tell me about it – that’s why I’m in management. Look, I think you’re right. We’re both too bushed to think straight at the moment. Let’s touch base later – how about this weekend?
Tom: Sounds like a plan. Call me Sunday. Then we can discuss how to find you a new job, and what’s more, you can explain something to me.
Krakowski: What’s that?
Tom: How you decided to spend five million dollars on that totally outrageous, humongus, wild and crazy conference for ATO managers in Atlanta back in 2009.
Krakowski: Oh, yeah… that… um… would you believe I made the decision to encumber those funds when I was severely sleep-deprived?
Tom: Why, of course I would.
Krakowski: Well, okay, that’s the reason, then.
Tom: Absolutely. Ain’t no bout a doubt it. Nightie-night.
Krakowski: Sleep tight.
Tom: And don’t let the congressional investigators bite.
Krakowski: Later!
Tom: Ciao!