Yesterday when I got back to the office after lunch, my private secretary put through a call from Mr. Punda Limpopo, a Finance and Economics Attache stationed here in Washington at the Embassy of Zimbabwe. I can’t say I was pleased to hear from him. I considered my dealings with Mr. Limpopo to be concluded. I had, after all, recently submitted the fourth revision of a policy analysis which the Republic of Zimbabwe contracted me to prepare. At this point Mr. Limpopo and I had been going back and forth about it for around eight months.
Limpopo: Good afternoon, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Well, it was pretty good until you called.
Limpopo: Mr. Collins, I am terribly sorry to bother you once again concerning your deliverable, but Harare is still not satisfied.
Tom: Let me guess – Mr. Mugabe doesn’t care for my recommendations again?
Limpopo: That’s exactly the problem, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Okay, Limpopo, let’s just stop here at this point for a moment and review things. Not once, you will admit, has anyone at your Embassy or in Zimbabwe contested the facts in my deliverable, nor has anyone contested the analysis of those facts that the deliverable presents.
Limpopo: Quite true, Mr. Collins. With each and every issue addressed, you hit the nail on the head, so to speak. But you must realize that Mr. Mugabe is extremely particular about those policies the Zanu-PF Party adopts.
Tom: In other words, he has problems with sane ones.
Limpopo: I believe that statement is judgmental and derives from individual personal perspective, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Well, as I recall, the recommendations in the initial version of the final draft I delivered back in early November concerned agricultural reform – specifically, the consolidation of small farms into cooperative collectives with limited partnership structures owning large capital farm machinery and infrastructure, followed by hiring of qualified managers to oversee combined operations.
Limpopo: And I’m afraid that Mr. Mugabe saw through that immediately, Mr. Collins. You and I both know that those “qualified managers for large agricultural enterprises” would be white men from what they used to call Rhodesia – our former oppressors, in fact.
Tom: Not necessarily. I believe the estimates prepared indicated that less than forty percent of those posts would be staffed by whites.
Limpopo: Mr. Collins, you must realize that Mr. Mugabe finds the idea of staffing even one such position with a white man to be utterly repugnant!
Tom: So whose problem is that?
Limpopo: Yours, unfortunately.
Tom: Right. So, I revised the recommendations by deleting the farm land consolidation option, and substituting a program to repatriate skilled workers, while retaining a proposed plan to build irrigation systems to combat your country’s chronic drought.
Limpopo: Mr. Mugabe observed that in order to obtain outside funding to build the irrigation systems, it would be necessary for him to leave office.
Tom: But he doesn’t need outside funding to build irrigation systems. What he needs is for some of your country’s civil engineers to come back and organize the construction of an irrigation canal system.
Limpopo: Mr. Mugabe believes that “skilled workers” is simply your euphemism for intellectuals, and he considers all intellectuals to be potential trouble makers.
Tom: Honestly, Limpopo, does Mr. Mugabe really believe that engineers are intellectuals?
Limpopo: As far as Mr. Mugabe is concerned, anybody with a college education is an intellectual, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Including people with business and pharmacy degrees?
Limpopo: I see your point, Mr. Collins, but I am not the president of Zimbabwe.
Tom: So, then you got back to me and demanded another re-write, which I promptly supplied, suggesting that the government subsidize housing development…
Limpopo: And Mr. Mugabe responded by observing that all loyal Zanu-PF Party members already have excellent housing…
Tom: And if somebody doesn’t agree with Mr. Mugabe’s government, they don’t deserve a house to live in?
Limpopo: At last, Mr. Collins, I think you may be grasping how Mr. Mugabe thinks.
Tom: Lovely. Then I suggested press and radio broadcast reforms…
Limpopo: Mr. Mugabe believes that the Government of Zimbabwe has the right to close any publication, or jam any radio station, when such an enterprise spreads false news.
Tom: And who decides what’s true news and what is false news?
Limpopo: Mr. Mugabe.
Tom: Of course. Okay. Then, I submitted yet another revised set of recommendations, which brings us up to the present.
Limpopo: Exactly.
Tom: So – now what?
Limpopo: Mr. Collins, I must confess that neither Mr. Mugabe, our Ambassador here in Washington, or myself can understand your latest submission.
Tom: It’s just a currency reform protocol. You’ve got what, nine thousand percent annual inflation?
Limpopo: The official figure is only three thousand seven hundred percent, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Well, excuse me! A mere three thousand seven hundred percent annual inflation rate. Come on, get real, Limpopo, your currency makes Weimar Deutschmarks look like a good deal. As of yesterday, it took one hundred forty thousand Zimbabwe dollars to buy a single frowning George.
Limpopo: You know as well as I do, Mr. Collins, that you are quoting black market figures.
Tom: Oh, like anybody trades currency in Zimbabwe at the official rate!
Limpopo: Our Government exchanges one US dollar for every five hundred and sixty Zimbabwe dollars.
Tom: In other words, you rip off the few tourists you still get to the absolute max! But forget about any Zimbabwean trying to get that rate when leaving your country, right?
Limpopo: Ah, no citizens are permitted to leave, Mr. Collins, you know that.
Tom: But they sure try, don’t they?
Limpopo: Not many survive the attempt, though.
Tom: So Mugabe’s brilliant solution to raging inflation was to mandate price controls last week.
Limpopo: Mr. Mugabe has always displayed impeccable intelligence in such matters.
Tom: I bet being able to say that with a straight face is what got you your job!
Limpopo: Being able to say that with a straight face keeps me alive, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Yeah, and look at the results – riots; hoarding; your police arresting merchants who didn’t lower their prices; merchants gaming the system to sell modified versions of products that aren’t on the price control lists; and finally, empty store shelves with no price controlled products on them at all. Now the shops are closing and your people are going back to the barter system. All in three days!
Limpopo: Mr. Collins, that is an unforgivable hyperbole! More than a week elapsed in order for what you have just described to transpire.
Tom: So now you want to argue over how long it took the Titanic to sink? Fine – I stand corrected, Mr. Limpopo, the utter collapse of your country’s economy took eight days instead of three. Anyway, what are you going to do now, make it illegal for your citizens to trade their goats for bags of millet?
Limpopo: Mr. Mugabe does not approve of primitive practices such as barter. It is not inconceivable that he may require citizens to refrain from it.
Tom: Okay, so, given such circumstances, can we agree that Zimbabwe needs a currency reform?
Limpopo: Perhaps, but the particulars of your suggestion are somewhat inscrutable.
Tom: Such as what?
Limpopo: Well, first of all there is this concept of “interchangeable monetary units.”
Tom: There’s certainly nothing arcane about it, Limpopo – four Amins equal a Bokassa and two Bokassas equal one Mugabe.
Limpopo: I think that it is not so much the proposed relationships between the Amin, the Bokassa and the Mugabe that are at issue – we are primarily concerned, first of all, with the suggested rate of exchange…
Tom: All right, all right! Use the official exchange rate to turn in Zimbabwe dollars instead of the black market rate if you like. Just remember that if you do that, your Government will be screwing nobody but itself.
Limpopo: Ah, yes… I see what you mean. Very well, then, our second concern is with the definition of the new economic units. The Amin, for example, is defined as “a slap upside the head sufficient to displace the cranium of a 100 kilogram human being two centimeters to the left or right of center.”
Tom: Yeah, so?
Limpopo: And the Bokassa is described as “a kick from behind, delivered to the buttocks, sufficient to displace a 100 kilogram human being three centimeters forward in the direction of the kick.”
Tom: Correct. What of it?
Limpopo: And lastly, the Mugabe is defined as “a kick from the front, delivered to the groin, sufficient to elevate a 100 kilogram human being four centimeters above the ground.”
Tom: You got it.
Limpopo: So, it seems that you are suggesting that this new Zimbabwean currency be based on various modes of physical assault?
Tom: Well, your current form of government is based on various modes of physical assault, so why not your monetary units?
Limpopo: I think that, under the circumstances, a more detailed explanation is called for, Mr. Collins!
Tom: Look, it’s just fiat money. There’s nothing to be ashamed of – the United States has nothing but fiat money. Sure, a lot of ignorant Americans think our money is supposed to be backed up by gold, but we don’t have anywhere near enough gold, silver or any other precious metal to pay everyone if they wanted to exchange their dollar bills for it. And Zimbabwe doesn’t even have that – Zimbabwe’s got nothing at all to back its currency, really – no precious metals, no oil, no diamonds – nothing. So why not back your currency with a boot up the crotch? A boot up the crotch is good enough to keep Mugabe in office, isn’t it? And you must admit, thanks to Mr. Mugabe, a boot up the crotch is something every Zimbabwean understands. But hey, it’s just a basis for your fiat money. No one has to actually hit anybody down at the marketplace – they just exchange pieces of paper redeemable at the Bank of Zimbabwe for getting their heads slapped, their butts kicked, their eggs scrambled or their nuts cracked – if that’s what they’d rather have instead of a nice piece of paper with a flattering picture of Mr. Mugabe on it. Face it, Limpopo, hardly anybody would show up to redeem their currency, so it’s a guaranteed inflation fighter.
Limpopo: I must admit you make a persuasive argument, Mr. Collins, but Mr. Mugabe does not approve of this latest policy recommendation, either.
Tom: That’s a shame, Limpopo.
Limpopo: Yes, quite.
Tom: I thought that, at last, I had conceived of an economic system truly consistent with Mr. Mugabe’s clearly demonstrated ideals of politics and governance.
Limpopo: Alas, Mr. Collins. What shall we do?
Tom: I don’t know, Limpopo, because I’m fresh out of new ideas for Mr. Mugabe to reject.
Limpopo: I see. In that case, I have no choice but to request a refund.
Tom: No problem. I’ll make out a check to the Republic of Zimbabwe and send it to the embassy, care of the Ambassador, with an explanatory cover letter, by certified mail.
Limpopo: No, I don’t think that will do.
Tom: It won’t?
Limpopo: Not at all. I shall stop by to pick up the refund personally. And no checks, please, Mr. Collins. Cash only.
Tom: That is, how shall I put this – somewhat irregular, is it not, Mr. Limpopo?
Limpopo: Perhaps. But for a fee of, let’s say, ten percent, I’m sure we can agree to keep the matter strictly between us?
Tom: Fee? Oh no, Mr. Limpopo, my ethical principles require that I must refuse any offer of a fee in such matters as this. Forget about fees. Just come on down to my office at four thirty today.
I sent my private secretary home at a quarter to four and waited in my office. Limpopo showed up right on time at four-thirty. I directed him to my conference room, where Vinnie and Notorious Nosh waited with the blinds drawn.
There, we gave Mr. Limpopo his refund – in Amins, Bokassas and Mugabes. We refunded at the official Zimbabwean exchange rate against the US Dollars which I had, of course, insisted on receiving, up front, as payment for my services to a third-rate tin-pot dictatorship like Zimbabwe. But, for some strange reason, while the Republic of Zimbabwe had paid many times more than the five thousand two hundred and fifty bucks worth of refund we gave him, Mr. Limpopo declined to accept more. Well, actually, he passed out. Then he fell down three flights of stairs and woke up this morning in the dumpster out behind Red Hot Johnson’s over in Anacostia.
I know he woke up there, because that’s what the Ambassador’s aide told me when he called around 9:30 today, asking if I knew anything about how Limpopo ended up in such a situation, and oh, by the way, could the Ambassador stop by and pick up a refund for my deliverable – in cash, of course – later on today?
Instead of bluffing him like I did Limpopo, I just told him flat out, what it says in all my contracts – deliverables are provided “as-is” and there are no refunds, only a limited number of revisions; such number to be determined at my discretion. Predictably, he promptly pitched a fit, so I cordially invited him to sue me, to which he loudly declared that Tom Collins will never work for the Republic of Zimbabwe again. Boy howdy, was he right about that!