I sent out for sushi and spent lunch hour with my feet up on the desk, my head nestled between the Sennheisers, listening to Pavarotti. Yeah, he was a big, fat slob. And he acted like a complete fool sometimes – like that time when he sang the role of Verdi’s Otello – Shakespeare’s Moor. He went for blackface, a questionable thing even all those years ago when he sang that role – and put the stuff on his hands, too. It would have just remained an exercise in questionable taste, perhaps, but his peculiar brand of inspired lunacy struck him, as it sometimes did. At the last moment, he decided to debut the role with his shirt off. And that might also have worked, I guess, had he thought to put lamp black on his torso. Ciao, Luciano, you will be missed.
My private secretary entered, interrupting my reverie. She had no choice, of course, since I was wearing headphones, and moreover, transported in the artistic rapture for which all serious music lovers live.
“Mr. Collins,” she said as I switched off the music, “I rang twice.”
“Of course,” I replied, “no problem. What’s up?”
“There’s a gentleman here from the Ron Paul campaign. He’s about half an hour early…”
“No point in making the poor devil wait,” I told her, “go ahead and send him in immediately.”
“Immediately,” she echoed, starting for the door. “Oh, by the way, Mr. Collins, it’s just killing me,” she exclaimed as something crossed her mind, “I can’t figure it out. Why would a transvestite celebrity singer-songwriter want to run for president?”
“That’s RuPaul,” I explained. “Ron Paul is a member of the House of Representatives from Texas.”
“Oh. I see.” She shook her head, smiling slightly. “I’m sorry. I should have known that.”
“Not necessarily,” I assured her, “RuPaul’s name recognition is at least a hundred times what Ron’s is.”
“Thanks, Mr. Collins,” she murmured as she left.
In a moment, a short, dapper fellow, wearing the sort of three-piece suit that went out of style in 1988, introduced himself. “Dave Burnet VI,” he proclaimed, pumping my hand vigorously in the Dallas style, “election strategy, Ron Paul campaign.”
“Pleased to meet you,” I told him, gesturing graciously at the furniture as I discreetly extricated my right hand from his iron grip, “make yourself comfortable.”
Burnet pulled a chair directly in front of my desk, leaned over toward me and got right down to business.
“Mr. Collins, I will be frank. The Ron Paul campaign has been out there, sending our message to the American people for many months. But no matter what we did, our candidate hasn’t cracked five percent with one single voter demographic. Now, here comes this upstart… actor… Fred Thompson, who wasn’t even declared until today, and here he is, some kind of automatic front-runner, nipping at Giuliani’s heels!”
“There’s no mystery to it, unfortunately,” I sighed, leaning back in my chair. “Fred Thompson has spent the last five years playing District Attorney Arthur Branch on ‘Law and Order.’ People feel like they know him.”
“But that’s just at TV show!” Burnet protested.
“Yeah, but nearly twenty percent of Americans can’t tell the difference between TV and reality,” I pointed out, “and most of the remainder who can are still susceptible to having their opinions influenced by what they see on television. So millions of people watch Fred regularly, playing this gruff, pragmatic, tough yet lovable character who’s boss of all the other major characters. There’s just no way to buy that kind of exposure, you know. Look at what happened to that guy… what’s his name… Darrell Issa…”
Burnet peered at me quizzically. “Who the hell was he?”
“A member of Congress, actually,” I replied, “and a Republican one, at that,” I remarked, raising my eyebrows at Burnet, “from California.”
“I see,” Burnet shot back, a bit irritated, “what about him?”
“Well,” I continued, “he put millions of his own money into the effort to recall California’s governor, Gray Davis, back in 2003. He assumed, naturally, that he would be on the ballot as the Republican candidate to replace Davis. But then, an actor named Arnold Schwarzenegger declared his candidacy…”
“All right,” Burnet conceded, “I get the picture. To tell the truth, Mr. Collins, we were sincerely hoping that Thompson wouldn’t formally declare. And when he did, well… several people on the Ron Paul campaign staff called in sick this morning.”
“You don’t suppose they watched ‘The Tonight Show’ last night instead of watching Mr. Paul participate in the Republican debate?”
“[Expletive] Hollywood [expletive]!” Burnet ejaculated.
“Do you think, perhaps, that when your staff saw Fred Thompson tell Jay Leno he was actually going to run for president on ‘The Tonight Show’ in front of hundreds of millions of people, that adversely affected their morale?”
“We tried to get on, too, ” Burnet complained, bitterly, “but nobody from ‘The Tonight Show’ even returned our calls! We tried, and tried… The only call we got back was from some guy who said he was an agent for somebody named ‘RuPaul.’ He said ‘The Tonight Show’ people were calling him, complaining that this RuPaul person was making a nuisance of himself trying to get booked on ‘The Tonight Show,’ and then he threatened to sue us for damaging his client’s reputation. That was yesterday,” Burnet sighed, “and when half the office was empty this morning, that’s when my aide suggested I come over here and talk to you.”
“And not a moment too soon,” I opined. “You will forgive me, I hope, for asking this, but could you give me a bit of background on where Mr. Paul stands with respect to the various salient issues?”
Burnet’s expression betrayed a certain level of umbrage at my question. “You mean, you don’t know squat about my candidate?”
“Slightly more than squat,” I explained, “but surely, you must realize, with so many people running for president, even a reasonably informed person can’t recite verbatim what they each stand for – not to mention the fact that many of them duplicate each other’s platforms in many respects.”
Burnet cleared his throat indignantly, but the expression of resignation on his face assured me my request would be fulfilled. “Ron Paul believes in limited constitutional government, low taxes, free markets and a return to sound monetary policies. He’s against the International Criminal Court, NAFTA, CAFTA, GATT and the World Trade Organization. He’s pro-gun and pro-life, against eminent domain, and for home schooling.”
“What’s his stand on Iraq?”
Burnet fidgeted momentarily, then drew a deep breath. “Ah, he’s concerned that we have forsaken the advice of Washington and Jefferson, miring America in dangerous foreign entanglements. He believes that the Iraq war was sold to us on the basis of false information, and he’s against it. He wouldn’t ever go to war because of a UN resolution. He’s opposed to foreign aid and in favor of a strong military.”
“In other words, he’s confused,” I suggested.
“Confused?” Burnet leaned over my desk all the way, getting right in my face. “It will be a cold day in Hell, Mr. Collins, that Ron Paul is confused about anything!”
“Okay, let’s say he has an ambiguous stand on foreign policy, then.”
“Ambiguous?”
“Well, multi-faceted, then.”
Burnet harrumphed loudly as he sat down. “All right – multi-faceted.”
“Immigration?”
“Ron Paul strongly favors physical barriers to secure US borders. He’s against amnesty and against welfare or other social services for illegal aliens. He also wants to end automatic US citizenship for persons born here.”
“Is he also in favor of a national identification program?”
“Absolutely not! He believes a national identification program to be a grave threat to our liberty. He’s against that and any other form of government control, intrusion or snooping. He’s also in favor of restricting the FDA and its interference with the nutritional supplement industry and alternative medical treatments.”
“Interesting,” I observed, “what else is in his health care platform?”
Burnet looked at me, puzzled. “What else would be in it?”
“How about the health care mess? Rising costs, crooked insurance companies, lack of access to care, increasing cost burdens for employers, millions without coverage, that sort of thing?”
Burnet scratched his head, thinking. “I don’t rightly know. Ron never talks about that stuff.”
“Why not?”
“Doesn’t like to talk about it, I guess,” Burnet shrugged.
“What does he like to talk about?”
Burnet pondered a moment in thought. “Well, he talks a lot about conspiracies, individual freedom and getting rid of the Federal Reserve Bank.”
“It sounds to me like your candidate is some kind of eccentric right-wing quasi-libertarian Constitutionalist ultra conservative,” I assessed, “and as such, he lacks potential for broad appeal to the electorate on the basis of his stands on the issues.”
Burnet chewed my remarks over quietly, then set his jaw squarely and looked me straight in the eye. “Ron Paul is not some lily-livered, spineless media-whore politician, Mr. Collins. He’s running on his long-held, rock-ribbed all-American heartland convictions and beliefs, and he’s not about to water them down or change them to suit misguided voters who he knows are dead wrong.”
“Okay,” I conceded, “let’s evaluate potential strategies for obtaining greater name recognition for your candidate, then.” I entered “Ron Paul” and “Tonight Show” in Google as I spoke. “Ah, look at this,” I said, turning the screen so Burnet could see it, “there are already email and blog movements to get Ron on ‘The Tonight Show’. Look, there’s one on Digg – that’s a pretty popular Web log, you know. I’d say follow up on that, for sure.”
“How?”
“Get your volunteers on those blogs, talking up the idea. Send emails with links to the pages to your mailing lists, that sort of thing,” I suggested, “and tie the petition to get him on TV with Leno to fund raising appeals. As I recall, Ron has already appeared on ‘The Daily Show’ and ‘The Colbert Report,’ hasn’t he? How about another visit?”
“Ah, um… we’ve certainly discussed that,” Burnet confessed, “but Ron’s not too enthusiastic about it…”
“Why not?”
“He thinks those two guys, you know, Stewart and Colbert, they just used him and his philosophy as the butt of their jokes. He says he doesn’t think it did him any good…”
“Sir,” I advised, “you tell your candidate that any exposure is better than no exposure at all. If you can possibly manage to get him back on Comedy Central and have those two clowns make merciless fun of him and his ideas some more, then by all means, do it.”
“Now,” I continued, “let’s talk drive time – how’s Ron’s radio coverage?”
“Back in August, Ron was interviewed by Jan Mickelson of WHO Radio 1040 at the Iowa State Fair,” Burnet told me proudly, “and he was on ‘The American View’ with John Lofton, discussing gay issues…”
“So he has a position on gay issues?”
“Not exactly,” Burnet said uncertainly, “he thinks it’s complicated. But he’s damn sure there shouldn’t be any queers in the military.”
“Oh, great,” I commented, hoping the irony wouldn’t show, “and what else?”
“We have ‘The Freedom Message’ with Steven Vincent – it’s a radio show that’s all Ron Paul, all the time. It was my idea,” Burnet beamed at me, “partially, anyway.”
“Congratulations,” I offered. Burnet nodded back and smiled. “Have you ever considered,” I asked, “some appearances on radio programs with somewhat, ah, larger audiences?”
“Such as what?” Burnet drew himself up defensively.
“How about putting in a couple of hours with Howard Stern? Provided, of course, that Howard would have Ron on his show.”
“I… I’ll tell Ron you recommended it,” Burnet awkwardly managed.
“There’s Mike Savage, Opie and Anthony, or maybe the Don Imus comeback show, whenever that happens – it probably won’t be that long either, before that or Don going to satellite. I mean, face it – a candidate who’s full-on frontal about free speech shouldn’t have any qualms about appearing on a radio shows that practice it totally amped up, should he?”
Burnet blushed, but shook his head, “No, I don’t guess he shouldn’t. But I just don’t know if he will. He’s… ”
“Looks like he’d better do something – and quick,” I interjected. “Have you considered the Big Proposal ploy? You know, the one where he announces some grand, outrageous plan that will get everyone talking about him?”
“Uh, no, not really,” Burnet said softly. “He’s against Big Government in principle, so nobody’s brought up any huge ideas.”
“I didn’t say big government programs,” I clarified, “what I said was a ‘Big Proposal’ – some kind of important change that’s consistent with what Ron believes, but that would have enormous ramifications throughout society. Something that would get everybody talking about Ron Paul and his big ideas.”
Burnet peered at me, skeptical. “Like what?”
“How about he says, that if elected, he will sign legislation making dueling legal on designated federal lands? It’s libertarian, because it will give people the freedom to kill each other over matters of importance, like personal honor or unpaid debts; it’s traditional because it’s restoration of behavior that was outlawed over a century ago; it’s conservative because it promotes the Second Amendment; and, what’s more, it’s guaranteed to make ‘Ron Paul’ a household phrase inside of two weeks.”
“Sounds a bit desperate,” Burnet rumbled.
“Near as I can tell,” I replied, “He’s in a desperate situation. How about this – he announces that if elected, he will support legislation allowing everyone to carry paint guns?”
“Paint guns?” Burnet obviously wasn’t sure he’d heard me properly.
“Yeah, paint guns – all adults who aren’t mentally certified or anything can carry them, as long as they aren’t concealed.”
“Sounds… I don’t know…” Burnet scratched his head in thought, “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
“Exactly,” I said, “and neither has anybody else. It’ll start a Ron Paul buzz that takes off like a brush fire.”
“Kind of far out, both of those,” Burton commented. “Anything less strange, but just as… interesting?”
“How about lowering the voting age to sixteen? That’s bound to get people talking about Ron Paul,” I said, “and it’s a very libertarian idea.”
Burton began taking notes. “Okay, legalized dueling, a paint gun on every hip, sixteen-year old voters…”
“Pledge to sign legislation implementing a tax-free economy on the Internet in virtual reality.”
“Don’t know if he’ll like that one, considering what he’s always saying about the banks…”
“Okay, scratch that – announce support for a return to the gold standard instead.”
“Yeah, that’s more up Ron’s alley, I think…”
“Legalized gambling on federal lands – use government-run casinos to replace income taxes.”
“Sounds good – after all, nobody will be forced to gamble there, and it doesn’t seem to conflict with any of Ron’s current policies,” Burnet stated, smiling slightly.
“How about proposing repeal of all federal taxes on tobacco and alcohol? That will definitely get Ron’s name around.”
“He might go for that,” Burnet grumbled, frowning a bit. “I don’t suppose it would do any harm to run it past him.”
“Legalizing recreational drugs?’
“No way, Jose – Ron may be some kind of libertarian, but he’s not that kind.”
“Pledging to stop all ongoing federal government mind-control projects and investigate the perpetrators?”
“All right!” Burnet sat upright, decidedly pleased. “I think he’ll go for that one.”
“Make ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day’ an optional substitute for Thanksgiving?”
“Hey, why not?” Burnet chuckled, “or maybe some other federal holiday some people don’t care for – know what I mean?”
“Speaking of pirates, why not have Ron suggest we reduce correctional costs by bringing back floggings?”
“Yeah, floggings never even went away in Singapore,” Burnet observed, “and folks there are mighty well behaved.”
“Promise to release all alien space craft and remains to public scrutiny within 90 days of assuming the office of president?”
“The American people have been waiting a long, long time for that one,” Burnet burbled, “that’s hot – plenty of pent-up voter rage there.”
“Reparations for alien abduction victims.”
“Hmmm, maybe – who pays the reparations?”
“Why, the evil conspirators Ron will reveal to the world, of course.”
“Okay,” Burnet agreed, “as long as none of them are Ron’s campaign contributors…” Burnet’s cell phone played the theme from The Fountainhead. He answered. “Yeah? I’m over at Tom Collins’ office right now. He is? He did? Okay.” Burnet put away his cell phone and quickly stood up.
“Got to run,” he blurted as he shook my hand, “little emergency on the campaign trail. Ron’s… well, he’s taken this Thompson thing a little harder than we thought he would. Have to, ah, resolve a situation that’s developed…” Burnet rushed to the door, stopping just briefly to open it. “Catch you later… ah, this week,” he added hurriedly, as the door slammed behind him.