Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad isn’t very popular in the West, but he sure does get a lot of Western media coverage, and now I know why. All you have to do is contact his press secretary, Ali Salammi Hanjobbi, and ask for an interview.
And so it was that I interviewed President Ahmadinejad early Wednesday morning in his New York hotel suite. In addition to a sound recording device in my suit coat pocket, I was also wired with a transmitter, my buddy Vinnie downstairs in the bar manning the other end with a receiver and another sound recorder, just in case there was a last-minute attempt to confiscate the recorder I had on me.
The whole thing was done using an interpreter. That’s why this is posted Thursday instead of yesterday – I had to get my own Farsi interpreter to verify what Mr. Ahmadinejad’s was saying, and it took her an entire business day to verify the translations. I’m pleased to report, by the way, that, except for some very minor grammatical discrepancies, my interpreter’s English translations of Mr. Ahmadinejad’s Farsi responses agree nearly exactly with what I recorded his translator saying during the interview.
Tom: Good evening, Mr. President, and thank you for granting me this interview.
Ahmadinejad: You are most welcome, Mr. Collins. It is, I believe, early morning, however.
Tom: You are correct, sir. First of all, I can’t help but notice this and ask. Why did you send one of your agents to the Carnegie Delicatessen for corned beef, pastrami and Reuben sandwiches?
Ahmadinejad: For some reason, I can never seem to get decent kosher deli at home.
Tom: All right, now I’ll just open with the Big Question that every interviewer asks you and get that sucker out of the way so I can stop worrying about when to ask it and you can stop worrying about when you will have to answer it. Concerning what is commonly called “The Holocaust” – do you actually believe that the Nazis were not responsible for the organized murder of millions of people during World War II, including approximately six million Jews; that all of that history was somehow faked? If so, why; if not, please explain how come that is so often and so widely reported about you.
Ahmadinejad: Of course I know what happened in Europe during World War II – do you think I’m some kind of idiot like David Duke? However, the first time I put Holocaust denial into my act, you know, it was on a dare – and I had no idea what would happen, and frankly I didn’t care, either. But when I saw how much media coverage I got doing a Holocaust denial bit, I decided to use it all the time. Like they say, bad publicity is better than no publicity at all, and Holocaust denial gets me boatloads of it. Of course, there are some people so ignorant, they think what I say is true, and I don’t suppose that hurts the Iranian Revolutionary cause any. But the people who are really important to me are the ones who are so naive, they think I’m serious, because they’re the ones who do all the hard work generating massive free publicity for me; and since most of those people are Jewish, let me say a shaynem dank – thank you very much for helping me out with that.
Tom: Is there any difference between a person being Jewish and a person being a Zionist, and, if so, how is that different from a person being a Shi’ite Moslem and a person being a member of Iran’s Holy Revolution?
Ahmadinejad: A person can be Jewish or Shi’ite and just attend the services and observe the holidays and so forth, and that’s fine with me. But in order to be a Zionist, or a member of the Holy Iranian Islamic Revolution, it’s necessary for a Jew or a Shi’ite to go farther than just being religious – in either case, there’s a political element, you see, so you’ve got to develop the requisite level of commitment to be a total, insufferable, unmitigated dick head to anyone who disagrees with you, no matter how small the differences; and be not only ready, but sincerely eager to kill them and their entire family at the first opportunity. And on that aspect, I think we in Iran are doing as good or better job than the Zionists. But let me make this very clear – I have a great deal of respect for what total, insufferable, unmitigated dick heads the Zionists are – we’re top-notch, world-class, totally insufferable, unmitigated dick heads, and they are too; so that makes it a fair fight all around. And we’re going to win that fight, because God is on our side, not theirs; and we will kill anybody who disagrees with that, of course.
Tom: Do you hear voices, and, if so, whose voices are they, what do they say, and do those voices ever tell you what to do?
Ahmadinejad: Sometimes, yeah, I hear a voice coming out of my stomach, sometimes out of my chest or occasionally from behind my right back or left ear. You know the Three Stooges? Right – well, Larry, that’s who it sounds like, Larry from the Three Stooges. And he tells me stuff like “Don’t eat the soup at the UN state dinner tonight – the cook spit in it,” and “Your fly is open – no, no! Don’t look down, just slowly turn away from the cameras while someone else is talking and fix it,” and “Walk down the other side of the street when your motorcade arrives, the place is crawling with paparazzi” – it’s advice and warnings, you see, not orders or instructions, or anything like that. Overall, I consider it very helpful.
Tom: Is Iran a theocracy?
Ahmadinejad: No more so than your state of Utah is a theocracy. Is your state of Utah a theocracy?
Tom: Last time I checked, I was asking the questions.
Ahmadinejad: Okay, what you mean is, your state of Utah is a theocracy and you can’t make a big deal about Iran being one if I make you admit that. But I will say, yes, Iran is a theocracy in the same way that your state of Utah is a theocracy. So what? Islam has been around a lot longer than that Mormon nonsense, and look at those ridiculous Mormon stories! Golden tablets with heavenly inscriptions – magical eyeglasses that translate the writing into English when you look at the tablets through them – really now, how asinine can an infidel religion become? The only part the Mormons got right was polygamy, and then they gave even that up.
Tom: Okay, given your answer to the previous question, which American religious leaders do you admire the most, and why?
Ahmadinejad: I assume you mean Christian religious leaders; so I would say, first among my admirations would be David Koresh, followed by the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, the Reverends Jim Jones, and Oral Roberts; also I deeply admire Charles Manson, and the Reverends Jerry Falwell, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart and Billy Graham. Any of them could have been a great revolutionary Shi’ite Moslem Imam if the circumstances had been different.
Tom: Based on my experience here in the United States, Iranians are generally complete, utter and totally un-wiped [expletive] [expletive] holes – they lie, cheat and steal from anybody handy, can’t be trusted with the time of day, would prostitute their own children to get in on a corrupt business deal, and torture small, helpless animals for their own perverted amusement. On top of all that, they’re miserably incompetent at anything useful – the only things I’ve ever noticed they’re good at is back-stabbing, malicious office politics and shameless, sycophantic social climbing. Are these general cultural traits among Iranians, or do you have some other explanation for such low, despicable and inexcusably greedy, narcissistic, nasty, barbaric and generally evil, sociopathic behavior?
Ahmadinejad: You must remember that the vast majority of Iranians you have encountered in the United States are former servants of the Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, whom your CIA placed in power. Before the Revolution, many of these people were in the Sazeman-e Ettelaat va Amniyat-e Keshvar, or what they called SAVAK, the Shah’s secret state police – also created and trained by your CIA. You probably knew all that, Mr. Collins, but I wonder if you also know that I was created by your CIA, just as your CIA created Saddam Hussein. But in general, I would say, no matter how much you Americans interfere with Iran’s internal affairs, economics and politics, you will never change our basic nature, which, I might add, you described quite accurately in your preceding question. If you have a problem with that, I would say tough cheese – you Americans have been around what – two hundred years, and we Persians have been around for about four thousand years. So we know what works and we’re not about to change in order to please a bunch of parvenues like you.
Tom: Okay, given your answer to the previous question, what things would you say Iranians can contribute to the advancement of human civilization?
Ahmadinejad: We don’t do that kind of thing. From the Iranian point of view, everyone else in the world simply exists to serve us – you are just a resource, a raw material. In the future, you will build skyscrapers and motor vehicles for us, clean our houses, sweep our streets, and entertain us when we command it. That’s what Persians have always been like – and as you say, if it is not broken, then do not attempt to fix it.
Tom: Okay, given your answer to that question, what’s up with the Iranian Petroleum Bourse?
Ahmadinejad: Ah-hah! I am delighted that, of all the interviews I have had so far in America, at last someone has asked me about the IPB. It’s just fine – you Americans keep doing your part, driving those SUVs, and we will do our part at the Iranian Petroleum Bourse, selling oil denominated in Euros instead of US Dollars. Then soon everything will be exactly as it should be.
Tom: Okay, given your answer to THAT question, what’s your idea of a fair price for a barrel of oil?
Ahmadinejad: Just enough Euros so the American economy goes down the sewer.
Tom: Okay, given your answer to THAT question, who do you think is more stupid – the average American or the average Iranian, and why?
Ahmadinejad: It’s a toss-up – how you say, even money, same difference. Ask any politician anywhere – if they are truthful, they will tell you that people in general are much less intelligent than they are. I, for example, am a great genius, as you can no doubt readily tell.
Tom: Arrange in order of fatness – Iranian women, Arab women, Israeli women and American women – then explain why.
Ahmadinejad: Arab women, Iranian women, Israeli women and American women. American women are last on the list because they can ask their husbands if they look fat or not – Arab and Iranian women can’t do that. Israeli women can, and they do, but Israeli men are so hen-pecked, they always lie and say “No, you don’t look fat, dear,” even if he’s scared to take her to the beach during whaling season. Jewish men are all afraid of women, you know – their mothers frighten and dominate them almost from the moment of birth. And please note that I am making none of this up – it is all thoroughly documented in the works of Philip Roth.
Tom: You stated in your speech at Columbia University that there are no homosexuals in Iran. Are there also no members of the Baha’i Faith; are there also no Zoroastrians; are there also no political dissidents; or, if there are members of any of those groups in Iran, do you deny that your government persecutes them?
Ahmadinejad: Compared to what the Shah used to do, nothing we do now in Iran could be called persecution. The Koran tells us to support the True Faith and the Word of the Prophet, Peace Be Upon Him. To the extent that someone is not keeping the True Faith, or opposes the Revolution done in the Name of the True Faith, or is committing forbidden queer gayness, appropriate steps must be taken; to do otherwise would surely displease Allah.
Tom: Okay, given your answer to that question, why are the two transvestites currently licking your bare feet not causing you, yourself, Mr. President, to be “committing forbidden queer gayness,” as you put it?
Ahmadinejad: I am sure you are mistaken – those are women.
Tom: Ah, no, Mr. President, they are not. Have one of your retinue check them for packages if you don’t believe me.
Ahmadinejad: Mehdi! Check these two for packages. What? Packages! Packages on both of them? I pay five hundred dollars and I get men in dresses and makeup – with packages! Call another escort service! And get these two out of here! Oh, I think I am about to be sick… Please, Mr. Collins, one moment – Hassan! Trash can!
Tom: Certainly.
Ahmadinejad: There, that’s better. Thank you for keeping me from committing forbidden queer gayness, Mr. Collins.
Tom: You’re very welcome, Mr. President. So, to continue, have you ever taken a lie detector test; intentionally inserted your finger in an operating electrical lighting socket; deliberately inhaled gasoline, cleaning fluid, glue or felt-tip marker solvent; gotten your tongue stuck to frozen metal or drank nothing but sea water for a period exceeding eight hours?
Ahmadinejad: I never lie, so no lying tests, ever – but I’m sure I could pass one if I had to. Never inserted my finger in a light socket [laughs]. Gasoline, cleaning fluid and marker solvent – yes, a few times, but no glue. Got my tongue stuck to an iron fence when I was six – that was another dare, actually. Drank Caspian Sea water for about four hours once when I was fifteen – come to think of it, that was on a dare, too.
Tom: Do your prefer a bath or a shower?
Ahmadinejad: I like a long, hot bubble bath with a rubber duckie, a toy boat, a dozen roses, soft music, box of chocolates; the works. I also like to play Revolutionary Iranian Nuclear Submarine – the soap bubbles are the polar ice cap, you see – the sub breaks through, the periscope looks around, I launch an ICBM and blow up Tel Aviv. That’s my favorite.
Tom: Are you sometimes startled by unexpected bad odors that others around you cannot smell?
Ahmadinejad: Only when the Saudis visit. Too many camel eyeballs and goat testicles – their gas is amazing! But like you say, nobody else seems to notice.
Tom: Would you let Hugo Chavez give you a deep tissue massage?
Ahmadinejad: Yes, but not with full release – and no lubricants, either.
Tom: Have you ever wondered what it is like to be pregnant?
Ahmadinejad: Once, in early puberty, yes. I wanted to do something, you know, like put a pillow under my shirt and look at myself in a mirror, but I was too, what do you say – chicken to try it.
Tom: On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you?
Ahmadinejad: My happiness goes up to eleven daily, thank you; sometimes, like now, when I am giving an interview or a big speech, it goes up to twelve. It can go up even more than that, but it skips thirteen, of course, and goes right from twelve to fourteen, just like the floors in this hotel do.
Tom: Are people basically good, basically evil, or just basically animals with no innate moral qualities?
Ahmadinejad: We are basically good. Anybody on our side is also basically good. Everybody else is basically evil.
Tom: That’s all there is to it?
Ahmadinejad: Yes – either you are for us, or you are against us. That’s it – period. Nothing to argue about; nothing to debate – no differing views to consider. It’s simple, uncomplicated and easy to understand. And, as your own president has demonstrated, it works just fine.
Tom: If you could only eat one food, what would it be?
Ahmadinejad: Pistachios.
Tom: Why is that?
Ahmadinejad: The pistachio is Iran’s official national nut.
Tom: You don’t see any other viable competitors for that title?
Ahmadinejad: No, nothing stands a chance against the pistachio.
Tom: You’re sure?
Ahmadinejad: The pistachio is powerful, the pistachio is Blessed of Allah, the pistachio rules. It is the biggest nut, the mightiest nut, the most famous nut, the greatest nut in all of Iran.
Tom: Second to none?
Ahmadinejad: It is without equal; the highest, dominant, leading and preeminent nut.
Tom: That’s quite an impressive endorsement, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: Yes; also the ice cream. That is a real winner in my book, too, the pistachio ice cream.
Tom: Yes, it’s delicious. Does it bother you that pistachio ice cream was invented by a Jew?
Ahmadinejad: No, our Imams teach that every infidel might as well enjoy themselves while waiting for us to annihilate them, and that everything the infidels create is ours, anyway. So we are at peace, spiritually, with respect to Jewish ice cream, as we are with Christian computer technology or atheist North Korean uranium hexafluoride centrifuges. How do your “homies” say it, when they are “keeping it real, down on the street?” – “It’s all good.” Is that not what your homies say? “It’s all good?”
Tom: Some do, I suppose. So, does it matter to you who wins the US presidency in 2008; and why or why not?
Ahmadinejad: No, because US multinational corporations and the Central Intelligence Agency run your country, just like they ran mine before the Revolution. So who is in your White House is pretty much irrelevant.
Tom: Have you ever received radio programs on your dental fillings?
Ahmadinejad: Occasionally – mostly Russian and Indian broadcasts. Once I got WABC in New York though; and the BBC in London five, maybe six times. This is all AM band; shortwave, that kind of thing. But the University of Tehran College of Dentistry is working on new formulations made from products of our numerous peaceful nuclear programs. These new dental fillings will be capable of picking up not only FM broadcasts, but also digital and satellite radio programs.
Tom: If all the Jews and Christians in Israel suddenly and miraculously disappeared, what would you recommend Iran do next?
Ahmadinejad: That would depend – if it was the result of our ceaseless prayers for Allah to intervene on our side, then I guess we’d have to get started killing off the Sunni Palestinians. But I’m open-minded enough to ask – what if it was this “Rapture” thing the Christians are expecting instead? That would mean it was time for us to fight the Battle of Armageddon, and I, for one, believe that would have to take precedence over wiping out the Sunnis. So, as you can see, it would depend.
Tom: Would you eat pork if it was Chinese and everybody was sharing anyway? How about lobster?
Ahmadinejad: Funny you should ask. We all went out for Chinese last night and yeah… both of them, actually.
Tom: Seriously, can you tell the difference between an Ashkenazi and a Bedouin?
Ahmadinejad: I’d say most of the time, yes, definitely. The Ashkenaszim can look pretty European, you know? When they do, the difference is obvious. But if you get one of those Ashkenaszim from Russia or Hungary or one of those countries around there, you know, then, I admit, it can be mighty tough to tell the difference.
Tom: Okay, how about an Ashkenazim and a Greek?
Ahmadinejad: That gets even tougher, for sure. Maybe half the time, I can tell the difference, although Greece is part of Europe, I know that.
Tom: Okay, then – can you tell the difference between a Sephardim and a Bedouin?
Ahmadinejad: Oh, come on! No way, forget about it! Not as long as they keep their mouth shut, anyway. They start talking, that could give them away, but even then, if the Sephardim is speaking Berber or something, I’d never know he was Jewish.
Tom: Do you miss your foreskin? Do you think Jewish guys miss theirs?
Ahmadinejad: I didn’t used to. But over the last ten years or so, I’ve read a lot about that subject and I’d say that now I definitely do. On the other hand, life is full of situations where you have to give up something in order to get right with God. And I have come to the conclusion that’s what the whole circumcision thing is about – it’s a physical expression of the fact that you need to be frustrated, you need to be insensitive and you must not ever fully experience pleasure; otherwise, you’ll never be a big enough [expletive] to defend your faith. I figure it’s pretty much the same deal for Jewish guys, too, but it seems to me that giving up your foreskin and only being able to have one wife is not such a good deal compared to what we Moslem guys have. But then, I don’t imagine that most Jewish guys would want more than one wife – nagging them for clothes, diamonds, trips to Miami and a new Mercedes Benz all the time.
Tom: If you had four wives, which one would have to wash your underwear and socks? Would you make that one iron your shirts, too?
Ahmadinejad: I’d make them draw straws, and I’d include the shirts, since there wouldn’t be any underwear – we Revolutionaries don’t wear it. We captured CIA manuals at the American Embassy that showed how to give your enemy a wedgie. So we decided not to allow our adversary that option – it’s the origin of the phrase “going commando,” by the way.
Tom: Okay, you don’t wear underwear because of the potential wedgie factor – so what’s going on with ties? Why don’t you Iranian Revolutionary guys wear them?
Ahmadinejad: Again, to avoid CIA mind control techniques. The CIA manual also showed how, after you give our enemy a wedgie, you grab his tie and choke him blue, making him bend over. Then you kick him in the buttocks until he yells “Uncle! Uncle Sam!” after which he is mentally defeated and becomes a zombie operative for the CIA. This is all part of their sinister psychological operations. So, for those reasons, we don’t wear ties, either.
Tom: Say Iran had eight or ten one-megaton suitcase-sized hydrogen bombs – would you keep them, sell them to the highest bidder or give them away?
Ahmadinejad: Those things aren’t cheap, you know. They don’t really improve a whole lot while aging in a weapons bunker, either. I’d say there wouldn’t be much point in letting them lie around, gathering dust.
Tom: Is Kim Jong-il more insane or less insane than you are?
Ahmadinejad: We’re both completely sane. You might say that Kim’s a bit eccentric, maybe, I don’t know. Our government doesn’t kidnap film directors, I’m not scared of flying, I’m not an Elizabeth Taylor fan and I haven’t written any musicals, much less staged them at gunpoint. But it could be Kim’s just ahead of his time.
Tom: Who is the greater miser – the Scotsman or the Jew?
Ahmadinejad: Oh, finally, you asked me an easy one – the Scotsman is by far the greater miser. This is a common misconception, that Jews are misers – it is simply not true. Jews love money, they love making money and they love spending money – just as long as it’s for wholesale. This is why “ham at half price” is said to be the “great Jewish dilemma.” On the other hand, that the Grand Canyon was dug up by a Scotsman who dropped a quarter and could not find it, this is entirely plausible to me.
Tom: If you had to re-brand “The Axis of Evil,” what would you call it and how would you structure the marketing campaign?
Ahmadinejad: I’d kick out Iraq – that goes without saying – and then I’d add some other country to take its place, probably Cuba. More members in general would improve things, I think, so I’d add Sudan, Zimbabwe, Myanmar; oh, I’d have to give it some more thought, but probably a couple of others, too. Then I’d change the name to “The International Family Fun Club” or something similar, and start giving away free travel packages featuring special attractions like “Shoot Your Own Refugee,” “Political Dissident Torture Tour,” “Ride Along with the Secret Police,” that sort of thing.
Tom: Do you believe in extraterrestrial visitors; and, if so, whose side are they on, if any, in which conflicts?
Ahmadinejad: The Koran does not mention such things. Therefore, if they do exist, they are unclean, infidel things, which we should resolutely oppose and destroy. Unless they have really neat weapons we can kill infidels and Sunnis with – death rays, photon cannons, particle beams, nuclear bullets or anything like that. In that case, I think we should make an exception. Now, if you would excuse me, I have another interview starting very soon.
Tom: Of course. Thank you, Mr. President.
Ahmadinejad: You are most welcome, Mr. Collins.