He insisted on not giving his name, but the earnest young man who visited me at my office at four o’clock this afternoon didn’t keep who he works for a secret – he’s with the John Edwards presidential campaign. He was sent to consult me on a matter of vital importance to all the presidential candidates. I am referring, of course, to celebrity endorsements.
“Things were pretty equitable up until a few days ago,” my visitor explained, “but then Oprah Winfrey came out for Barack Obama, and yesterday, Barbara Streisand endorsed Hillary Clinton. That really upset the balance of power. Coming this close to the primaries, those endorsements could be serious for Edwards.”
“’Serious for Edwards?’” I threw the fellow a skeptical glance. “Edwards is trailing a distant third in the polls behind both of them. What, is your candidate searching for a future excuse for why he lost or something?”
“Absolutely not,” my guest bristled, “and there’s no basis to any of the rumors that he’s jockeying for a vice-presidential spot, either.”
“Okay,” I allowed, since it was his dime, after all, “I believe you. What’s the issue?”
“Well, here you have Streisand, she’s got better name recognition than Jesus Christ, and there you have Winfrey, she’s got better name recognition than God.”
“O.J. Simpson has great name recognition, too,” I observed, “but I don’t think anybody running for president wants his endorsement.”
“No, I don’t suppose they do, Mr. Collins. But what’s your point?”
“My point is, you’re assuming that an endorsement from Oprah Winfrey would help Barack Obama become president, aren’t you?”
“Well, wouldn’t it?”
“And you’re likewise assuming that an endorsement from Barbara Streisand would help Hillary Clinton become president, too, right?”
“Of course; sure I am – that is, sure, we do.”
“Why?”
A long silence passed as my visitor mentally composed his reply. I could see him lining up his points, like the captain of a high school debating team. “Because Oprah has huge, constant media access. All she has to do is endorse a book or a product and her viewers buy it like it was crack for a dollar on Doomsday morning. And because Streisand has millions upon millions of fans who slavishly worship her like an army of mindless zombies and will do anything she says.”
“Granted. But what is the one thing that Winfrey and Streisand’s fans have in common?”
“They’re all… women?”
“Except for a large contingent of gay male fans who want to be Barbara Streisand, yes, that’s it exactly, they’re all women. And why does Obama need an endorsement from a celebrity who’s big with women?”
“To beat Hillary, because Hillary’s a woman?”
“No, not really. Obama needs an endorsement from a celebrity who’s big with women because Obama’s a funny looking geek and he’s running against John Edwards, who is actually handsome. Likewise, Hillary needs an endorsement from a celebrity who’s big with women because Hillary’s a flint-hearted, power-mad lesbian feminist [expletive] who subconsciously scares the dickens out of normal women and is running against John Edwards, a candidate whom, by contrast, voters can readily perceive to be actually human.”
“I get it,” he mused, after a moment of reflection, “you’re saying that both Obama and Hillary are using their major celebrity endorsements as components of strategies to defend against John Edwards, because they both realize that he’s the one who naturally appeals to women voters.”
“Typical women voters,” I clarified, “in the case of Obama, and psychologically normal women voters, in the case of Hillary. But yes, essentially, that’s it.”
“So, Mr. Collins,” he pressed, “under such circumstances, what should the Edwards campaign do?”
“Let’s start by examining the facts on the ground. Which celebrities have endorsed your candidate?”
“Well, we’ve got Jackson Browne…”
“Who?”
“You know – Nitty Gritty Dirt Band; did Chelsea Girl with Nico…”
“Nico?”
“Velvet Underground? Andy Warhol? The Factory?”
“Oh, yeah, that Nico.”
“Right. Toured with Linda Ronstadt. Had a bunch of hits, big ones, like ‘Doctor My Eyes,’ ‘Running on Empty,’ ‘Lawyers in Love’ and ‘The Pretender.’ He co-wrote ‘Take It Easy’ for the Eagles, too.”
“Yeah,” I conceded, “now I remember. Who else?”
“Bonnie Raitt.”
“I’m sorry – who?”
“Damn it, Mr. Collins, she’s won nine Grammies!”
“So has James Galway.”
“James Galway? Who the hell is he?”
“Now,” I pointed out, “you see what I’m getting at.”
My visitor fidgeted, exasperated. “All right, maybe nine Grammies don’t make someone a celebrity, I don’t know, I mean, what does? Look, Bonnie Raitt is like, the woman who played with all those legendary blues guys, back in the sixties and seventies…”
“Legendary blues guys?”
“Yeah, you know – Muddy Waters, Bukka White, Blind Lemon Jackson, Howlin’ Wolf…”
“Oh, her, yeah, right. Now I remember.”
My guest sank back in his chair, exhaling sigh of relief.
“And who else?
“James Denton.”
“At the risk of repeating myself here, who the hell is James Denton?”
“He plays Mike Delfino on ‘Desperate Housewives.’” The earnest young fellow leaned closer, lowering his voice, obviously sharing a big, inside tidbit from the Edwards campaign. “John’s daughter Cate thinks he’s a real hunk.”
“And I suppose a lot of other women, do, too, and you think that’s good for the ballot box?”
“Isn’t it?”
“Maybe if you can get him to pose with your candidate and not have it come out looking like a couple of homos on holiday at the beach. Who else?”
“Uh,” he mumbled, suddenly sitting upright again, “We have Danny Glover. He was in ‘The Color Purple,’ just like Oprah was. Also in those ‘Lethal Weapon’ movies with Mel Gibson.”
“Do you guys in the Edwards campaign really think him being in like, what, four movies with Mel Gibson is a net positive?”
My young interlocutor squirmed a bit, thinking, no doubt, of Mr. Gibson’s irrepressible talent for offending folks of the Hebraic persuasion. “Um… okay… ah… Gibson’s a two-edged sword, I guess.”
“I guess so, too,” I agreed, “but, in the case of Mr. Glover, what with that Gibson association, plus – didn’t he shoot his mouth off about how great Hugo Chavez is, not too long ago?”
I saw the earnest young fellow blush, just a bit, as he admitted, reluctantly, “Yes, I think he did.” Then he gave me the most dejected, imploring look and said, completely without irony, “But come on, Mr. Collins, gimme a break; it’s not like we can choose who endorses our candidate!”
“No, you can’t. It’s a free country, after all,” I agreed, perusing a couple of printouts I had made earlier today. “Ever heard of Ric Flair?”
My guest shrugged and shook his head. “Should I have heard of him?”
“He’s a professional wrestler. Seven time NWA World Heavyweight Champion. Big name in the WCW, WWF and WWE.”
“Professional Wrestling? That stuff’s all faked,” he blurted out defensively. “A lot of yelling, noise and chest beating. Bunch of clowns picking meaningless fights with each other and putting on a sham contest only total idiots could take seriously.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, “just like politics.”
“What!”
“Never mind. Ever heard of Ted Nugent?”
“Sure. He’s that rock guitar player who likes guns.”
“Exactly. And I’m just as sure you know who Chuck Norris is.”
“Who doesn’t?”
“Ah – there you go,” I told him, “who doesn’t, indeed? Now,” I continued, “moving right along, how about this? Does the name ‘Alexandra Paul’ ring a bell?”
My visitor searched his memory for several moments, then shrugged. “Nope. Sorry.”
“Played Lieutenant Stephanie Holden in ‘Baywatch.’ How about John Robbins?”
“Can’t say as I ever heard of him, either.”
“Best selling author of health and diet books. Howard F. Lyman?”
“My father’s tax attorney is named Howard Lyman,” he replied, “but I don’t think his middle initial is ‘F.’”
“Probably not,” I opined, “this guy’s a cattle rancher who won’t eat beef and wrote a book about how bad the meat industry is. How about Frances Fisher?”
“Ah, no, never heard of her.”
“She played Deborah Saxon on ‘The Edge of Night.’ She also played a major character in ‘The Guiding Light,’ and has appeared on ‘Strange Luck,’ and ‘Becker.’ Had a significant character part in the movie ‘Titanic,’ too.”
“Really?”
“Yep. How about James Cromwell?”
“Oh yeah!” His face lit up with satisfaction. “I know him! He played George Sibley in ‘Six Feet Under’ on HBO!”
“Bingo! That’s him all right! How about Shelly Morrison?”
“Uh…” crestfallen, he stared at the floor. “No, I’m sorry, Mr. Collins, I don’t think I’ve ever heard…”
“Played Rosario Salazar in ‘Will and Grace,’” I interrupted.
“Oh! Oh! That’s right!” My young visitor slapped his forehead in realization. “Now I remember!”
“Good for you,” I congratulated, as I put down the hard copy and gave him a penetrating look. “Now, what do you suppose those people all have in common?”
“I don’t know, what?”
“They’re all celebrities who have endorsed other candidates for president.”
“Really? How did you come to know about all of those people?”
“Because I looked them up earlier today, when two young fellows from a couple of other candidate’s campaigns came to visit me, asking for advice about what to do, now that Obama has Oprah and Hillary has Streisand.”
“Three campaigns sent representatives here?” The young fellow was flabbergasted. “That’s incredible.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I averred, “you should have seen this place right after Pervez Musharraf took over Pakistan earlier this month – I was booked all week with junior Pakistani military general staff, every one of them asking for advice about the same issue.”
“What issue?”
“How not to get appointed head of the Pakistani military when Musharraf leaves.”
“Oh. Yeah, I see. Makes sense, I guess. So,” he asked, as he glanced around my office nervously, “ah, um… which candidates?”
“The first three celebrities I mentioned have all endorsed Mike Huckabee,” I informed him, “and the others have all endorsed Dennis Kucinich.”
My young visitor adopted an expression one would only expect to see on the face of a person forced to smell dog excrement while biting into a warm, spoiled lemon. “Huckabee? Kucinich? Those guys are completely pathetic! Their candidacies are total jokes! It doesn’t matter who endorses them! George Lucas, Tiger Woods, Shaquille O’Neal, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Steven Spielberg, Madonna, David Letterman and Lance Armstrong could all endorse either one of them, and the sorry SOB still wouldn’t have a [expletive] chance of getting into the White House!”
To that utterance, as to the other two, so eerily similar, that I had heard earlier today, I made no reply. A long and very profound silence fell over the room. At last, the full meaning and implication of what he had said dawned on my young guest. When it did; when it finally struck him fully and irrevocably, he politely closed his briefcase and stood.
“Celebrity endorsements are irrelevant, aren’t they?”
“Pretty much,” I concurred. “They’re a mixed blessing at best, no matter how popular the celebrity is. The fact is, a huge portion of the ordinary male population despises Oprah and Streisand. I mean, I’m not exactly the kind of guy who tailgates at football games or owns a bass boat or anything, but even I despise Oprah and Streisand. An endorsement from either one of those two [expletive] is the kiss of death, as far as I’m concerned. I’d never vote for anybody Oprah Winfrey or Barbara Streisand say they like, no way. Obama and Hillary just lost at least as many male voters as they gained from any conceivable female voter demographic. What Edwards, hell, what all of the other Democratic candidates need to do – is start working to attract votes from all those guys who, just a few days ago, were going to vote for Obama or Hillary, but, thanks to Oprah and Streisand, would never do that now, no, not in a million [expletive] years.”
My guest nodded curtly, extending his hand. “Thank you, Mr. Collins. That’s a brilliant analysis and very shrewd advice, and I’m taking them both back to my candidate’s campaign.”
“See that you do,” I warmly told him as I shook his hand, “and tell John for me, please, cool dude, no more [expletive] four hundred dollar haircuts.”