Today, I received yet another visit from Austin Houston Crockett Bowie Bonham III, from Texas. He stopped by on short notice, but Gretchen managed to fit him in at three-thirty.
“To what do I owe the pleasure of your company this time?” I inquired as he stretched his rangy frame on the couch by the picture window.
“Gettin’ that [expletive] out of the there,” Bonham declared as he pointed out the window toward the White House. “Like Mitch McConnell says, our primary mission has got to be makin’ that black-[expletive] son of a [expletive]-[expletive] white whore [expletive] a one-term President.”
“Although I’ve never heard Senator McConnell put it exactly in that manner,” I dryly responded, “something tells me that deep down in his Kentucky-fried heart, those are exactly the words that go through his mind when he thinks about the issue.”
“Count on it,” Bonham assured me with a knowing wink, “that’s the polite version. Hearing the real thing would set a cathouse madam’s [expletive] hair on fire. So look, Collins, the reason I’m here is all about Governor Rick Perry’s big Prayer Rally to Save America – a seven hour Christian Gathering to Praise the Lord this Saturday in Houston.”
“Ah yes,” I said, “they’re holding it in Reliant Stadium.”
“That’s right,” Bonham confirmed with a confident thumbs-up.
“And,” I added, “they’re calling it ‘The Response.’ Although I’m not exactly sure what it’s supposed to be a response to. Any idea about that, by the way?”
“About?” Bonham sat up straight, his face a map of incredulity. “What the hell do you think it’s about? It’s about Socialism, homosexuality, promiscuity, unwed motherhood, drugs, big government, rap music, [expletive], [expletive], slopes, chinks, [expletive], Mexicans, Japs, Russians, Frenchmen, Limeys, [expletive], dagos, greasers and dinks! It’s about immigration, jobs, evolution, and the deficit! It’s about atheism, taxes, liberals, moral relativism, welfare, black helicopters, the BATF, bailouts and the debt ceiling! It’s about patriotism, intelligent design, Divine Creation, America, the Second Amendment, the Pledge of Allegiance, states’ rights, nuclear superiority and global war on terrorism! But most of all, it’s about God – and by that, I mean Jesus Christ!”
“Ah… yes… certainly,” I nodded, “just as I thought – all the things Governor Rick Perry stands for… and against.”
“Yeah,” Bonham agreed, “but Rick’s bein’ real cagey about it, which I definitely give him credit for. All he says is the part about Jesus, ‘cause he knows anybody with the common sense the Good Lord gave a [expletive]-ant can figure the rest of it out for themselves. And why give all those [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] in the liberal-controlled media any ammunition, right?”
“It’s a plain fact, however,” I observed, “that the same Constitution which contains that Second Amendment of which you and Governor Perry are so fond, also has a First Amendment which stipulates a separation of Church and State.”
“You just wait until Rick moves in over there,” Bonham boldly asserted, wagging his finger in the direction of the White House, “and I guarantee, he’ll take care of that First Amendment bull-[expletive], make no mistake about it! The Response has gotten the Evangelicals and the Fundamentalist behind Rick Perry, and I figure, if they start prayin’ real hard for him, I donno… let’s just say, Jesus is gonna take care of the rest.”
“You think so?” I gently chided. “Just like that?”
“Once President Rick Perry establishes the kind of rock-solid, Christian spiritual policy this country needs,” Bonham assured me, “the sky’s the limit!”
“This Divine Coat of Many Colors which the good governor wears,” I interjected, “it’s rather a new wardrobe, isn’t it? Mr. Perry used to be a Democrat, albeit one from Texas, to be sure, but a Democrat, nonetheless. He supported Al Gore’s bid for the presidency in 1988, didn’t he? And what about his support for Rudy Guiliani, who’s from New York City, no less? Isn’t support for Guiliani tantamount to endorsing gay marriage and abortion on demand? And didn’t Governor Perry sign a bill into law, which provides in-state tuition to the children of illegal Hispanic immigrants? Didn’t he approve the government expropriation of eighty-seven thousand acres of sacred Texan soil under the liberal doctrine of eminent domain? And what about him signing that bill ordering nubile, underage Texas virgins to get shots for human papilloma virus, a notorious sexually transmitted disease, just like AIDS or syphillis?”
“The explanation,” Bonham grandly proclaimed, “is Holy Redemption, plain and simple! Governor Perry has been to the mountain top! He’s seen the Light and been washed in the Blood of the Lamb; and, accordingly, the Lord God, in His Infinite Wisdom, has seen fit not to strike him dead with a bolt from the blue, nor lay him low with a fatal plague of boils, nor render him insane, but rather, to raise him up to power and glory as the Governor of the great state of Texas! Such are the rewards for submission to the Almighty! And that’s what The Response is all about – gettin’ down on yer knees and praisin’ Him, exalting Him and beseechin’ Him for his Holy Grace!”
“Be that as it may,” I pointed out, “The Response has some very… controversial supporters. There’s the American Family Association, which conflates homosexuality with Nazis and Islamic terrorism. The International House of Prayer, another sponsor, has, as I am sure you know, called Oprah Winfrey the Whore of Babylon and accused her of paving the way for the Antichrist. The Cornerstone Church of God has suggested that Hurricane Katrina was God’s wrath for the sins of liberalism, and The New Apostolic Reformation has called for Christian control of the United States government. Strange bedfellows, no?”
“Strange to the likes of your friends here in Washington, maybe,” Bonham snickered. “But back in the Heartland, believe me, Tom, as far as those folks are concerned, Rick Perry speaks the Gospel Truth, pure and simple.”
“And the objections of the Jewish and Moslem groups,” I pressed, “not to mention the ecumenical community in general?”
“Sure,” Bonham allowed, “it’s a Christian event. But anybody can come, of course. All they have to do is get down on their knees and pray to Jesus, that’s all.”
“Pray,” I noted, “for Jesus to make it rain?”
“Yep,” Bonham nodded. “Faith can move mountains, so raisin’ up a storm should be short work for Him, I reckon.”
“Pray,” I continued, “for Jesus to stimulate the American economy and create jobs?”
“Prosperity theology,” Bonham agreed, “nothing more and nothing less.”
“Pray,” I ventured, “for Jesus to bring about the death and destruction of America’s political enemies?”
“The Lord’s vengeance against the unrighteous is justly sought,” Bonham sagely intoned.
“Pray,” I surmised, “for Jesus to make the right man the Republican Party’s presidential nominee in 2012 – and for Jesus to make that person President of the United States shortly thereafter?”
“As far as I can tell,” Bonham affirmed, “that’s what this is all about!”
“Perhaps,” I suggested, “Governor Perry might not agree… or, at least, admit to that.”
“Hell, [expletive] it,” Bonham grandly shrugged, “what if he don’t? You can’t go around lookin’ for votes at the Ladies’ Garden Club with your [expletive] hangin’ out of your pants, now can you?”
“Okay,” I relented, “I give up. You have an answer for every angle I pull on this puppy. Sounds to me like Governor Perry’s sitting in the catbird seat. So what’s the problem? Why are you here?”
“Umm… well… it’s like this, you see,” Bonham confessed with a blush, “it’s the… attendance. That’s what I’m here to ask for your advice about.”
“Oh,” I acknowledged, “that, yes. Reliant Stadium seats over seventy thousand people and I understand that, as of this morning, there are confirmed reservations for less than ten thousand.”
“Yeah,” Bonham sighed, “all that super-PAC money behind this, and only eight thousand attendees with less than three days to go before the doors open. This could be bad, Tom – it could be real bad. It could end up bein’ a terrible embarrassment for Jesus Christ.”
“An embarrassment,” I sought to confirm, not quite believing my ears, “for Jesus?”
“Right,” Bonham confirmed as he choked back a sob, “a terrible embarrassment for Our Beloved Savior.”
“Not,” I asked, “an embarrassment for Rick Perry?”
“Oh no,” Bonham chuckled, shaking his head, “no way. Rick Perry is a politician. It’s impossible to embarrass one of them.”
“Because,” I posited, “they have no shame?”
“Among other things,” Bonham agreed, “yeah. Sure. No shame, no conscience, no nothing. No big deal. Just the facts of life, really.”
“Indubitably,” I concurred. “Fine. So, thin attendance at The Response will embarrass somebody who’s the Son of God, was publicly crucified, died on the cross and currently resides in Heaven, and, in return for my consulting fee, you want me to make some suggestions about what you can do between now and Saturday in order to fill that stadium and avoid such a situation – correct?”
“That’s about the size of it,” Bonham assured me.
“In that case,” I told him, “forget about my fee. This one’s so easy, I wouldn’t feel right about taking your money. Look – the fatal flaw with respect to the attendance issue here is that The Response is billed as ‘A Day of Prayer and Fasting to Save America from Moral Decay.’ Frankly, no problem with the prayer to save America from whatever – moral decay, tooth decay, conservative banker greed, gun nuts, you name it, that’s fine. No problem with Jesus either – he’s a great guy, and I’m big fan myself; lots of people are. No, your problem here with The Response isn’t the prayer, and it isn’t what you’re praying for, it’s the fasting. What’s this fasting business about, anyway? Are you guys out of your minds? These are Americans we’re talking about here! No flipping way American Christianity is about fasting! American Christianity is about eating, and by that, I mean fressing like an Amish elder who’s come back to the farmhouse kitchen after burning nine thousand calories plowing forty acres behind a mule; I’m talking about chowing down like a Pentcostal preacher who just delivered a baby, a eulogy and a four hour Easter sermon; I’m telling you about eating like an AME bishop who’s come to Sunday dinner after he’s baptized the entire choir, shagged a dozen parishioners in the rectory, performed a marriage ceremony and got drunk with the band at the reception afterward! Forget about seeing the Light, brother, what’s going to get American Christian butts in the seats is seeing the smoked barbecue, the potato salad, the cole slaw, the hot biscuits in gravy, the bacon cheeseburgers, the loaded hot dogs, the chilled watermelon and the steaming fried chicken! To fill that stadium, you’ve got to change the pitch for The Response and tell everybody it’s a Day of Prayer and Southern Protestant Church Picnic!”
“Hallelujah!” Bonham shouted as he jumped up from the couch. “Sweet Savior! Praise God! That’s right! I see it now – how could I have been so blind? This is the Great Recession! People are hungry! Food is the key! ‘The Response – All You Can Eat for A Dollar!’ Yes, yes, yes, that’s it! Oh, thank you, brother Tom,” he effused as he quickly shook my hand. “You’re absolutely correct! It’s the only way we can keep The Response from being a enormous flop, a huge debacle and a ridiculous fiasco, for which Jesus will surely punish all of us – and Governor Perry most of all – should we fail Him!”
And with that, Bonham was gone so fast, you’d think the Devil Himself chased him out of the room.
Amen.