As I am sure most readers of this Web log can readily guess, within the last few days, Debt Ceiling Madness has taken Washington hostage and refused to negotiate. Even I, who, admittedly, am extremely jaded as a result of working all these years Inside the Beltway, am astonished at the prevailing levels of unreason, confrontation, animosity, stubbornness, dishonesty, ignorance, stupidity, dogmatism, hostility, cant, fabulism, provocation, prevarication, partisanship and, truth be told, plain old panic here in the Nation’s Capital. To characterize it as surreal would be an inaccurate underestimation; no, not even Dada adequately describes it – ladies and gentlemen, what is happening here right now is nothing less than pure, undiluted bedlam.
Even my foreign clients appear to have taken leave of their senses. Did the Turks wish to discuss the policy implications arising from the resignation of their country’s entire general staff? No, they were concerned about the stability of the US dollar. Were representatives of the Libyan rebels interested in how to spin the assassination of their commanding general by the Obaida Ibn Jarrah Brigade, supposed members of their alliance to overthrow Muammar Gaddafi? No, they’re worried about whether what’s happening up on Capitol Hill will affect NATO’s ability to continue air support. Are the Syrians fretting about how the international community will perceive the release of an Internet video depicting the slaughter of twenty-two protesters in Dara? No, they’re rubbing their hands in delight, figuring that a US bond default will automatically reduce funding for Israel, and looking for ways to exploit it. Do the Iraqis contribute an aerial fornication for public policy advice on rebuilding their defense infrastructure after the Americans leave? No, all they want to know is, what will this debt ceiling circus do to the price of oil. Do the Somali diplomats want help in formulating strategies to cope with their massive drought and famine? No, all that concerns them is how they should restructure their investment portfolios. Are the Chinese wringing their hands about the technology export impacts of that disastrous bullet train wreck in eastern Zhejiang province? No, they’re defecating bricks about the all the US Treasury Bills they own. And the Greeks? All they want to do right now is gloat about how much better they are handling their own Debt Man Walking, compared to us. I could continue, of course – the British, the French, the Germans, you name it, they’re all either totally bananas, obsessing over what we crazy Americans will do next or wondering what the hell has gone wrong with us and how that’s going to mess them up.
None of my consultations with domestic clients this week have been any better, either. Not a single federal agency has the vaguest idea about what will happen to them on Tuesday, and there’s nothing more pathetic than a frightened bureaucrat – my office rest room hasn’t seen so much business since slightly over half of the Afghan Embassy dropped by on a Friday evening to “assess” the contents of a diplomatic pouch from Helmand Province in it. The feds aren’t using my office rest room to do anything like that, of course. They’re using my exquisite, marble-finished water closet to relieve their nervous bladders, address their sudden bouts of insistent diarrhea, and chuck some truly prodigious chunks of projectile vomit. To a man (and woman) they’re a sorry bunch of nervous wrecks, no doubt about it, and it’s been so bad this week, I’ve had to call the cleaning service four times a day, and, as might be expected, tip them well above average. I must confess, sometimes, when I look at rest room facilities after they have been used by members of the United States Civil Service, I find it extremely hard to believe that any of those people actually went to kindergarten, much less college.
So, given the circumstances, I had reached a point where I would consider it remarkable if I were to participate in a single, solitary consultation that had absolutely nothing to do with raising the United States debt ceiling. And, as it turns, out, there actually was one. It happened today, right around four o’clock, when Gretchen managed to slip a telephone consultation with a certain Richard Head, of Microsoft Corporation, into my schedule.
Head: Hello? Tom Collins?
Tom: At your service. How may I help you?
Head: Mr. Collins – may I call you Tom?
Tom: You may.
Head: Tom, I’m a special assistant to Steve Ballmer, the Chief Executive Officer of Microsoft, and I’m calling to consult with you concerning some very disturbing news released late yesterday by a Canadian polling and public opinion research firm called AptiQuant.
Tom: You mean, the study results they announced pertaining to the… intelligence level… of people who use Internet Explorer?
Head: Exactly.
Tom: The study where that company administered the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale test to one hundred thousand Internet browser users over a period of four weeks?
Head: Yes.
Tom: And found that, with a degree of significance between ninety-five and ninety-eight percent, that people who use the Opera browser have IQs between 120 and 130?
Head: I think so.
Tom: And found that, with a degree of significance between eighty-seven and ninety-one percent, that people who use the Firefox browser have IQs averaging between 115 and 120?
Head: Hmmm… I suppose.
Tom: And found that, with a degree of significance between eighty-five and eighty-nine percent, that people who use the Google Chrome browser have IQs averaging between 110 and 115?
Head: I… I guess, I don’t know…
Tom: And found that, with a degree of significance between eighty-eight and ninety-two percent, that people who use the Apple Safari browser have IQs between 95 and 110?
Head: They did?
Tom: And found that, with a degree of significance in excess of ninety-nine percent, that people who use the Microsoft Internet Explorer browser have IQs between 60 and 95?
Head: Um… well… that sounds like the study I’m calling you to discuss, anyway.
Tom: Okay. What about it?
Head: Well… er… uh… it’s wrong, isn’t it?
Tom: Wrong? The study was conducted on a very large statistical sample, with a meticulously standardized measurement test, using universally recognized professional statistical techniques. Why should it be wrong?
Head: Okay, uh, what I mean is, isn’t there some other way to… interpret the results? Can’t those troublemakers at AptiQuant be more… tactful?
Tom: They have. Even though AptiQuant found those results, the statement they released to the media just said that the only statistically significant difference in IQ scores occurred between Internet Explorer users and people who use something else, and there was no significant difference in IQ scores among the various groups of non-IE browser users, even though those users, in aggregate, had higher average IQ scores than IE users.
Head: So what you’re saying is, AptiQuant was tactful and considerate of Opera, Firefox, Chrome and Safari?
Tom: Insofar as AptiQuant was not about to exaggerate the statistical significance of differences in IQ among people who use Opera, Firefox, Chrome or Safari, yes.
Head: So how come they can’t say something good about Microsoft, huh? Do you have any idea how angry Mr. Ballmer got when he heard about this?
Tom: Screaming?
Head: Ah…
Tom: Incoherent raving?
Head: Er…
Tom: Threats?
Head: Um…
Tom: He didn’t start throwing things around the office, by any chance, did he?
Head: I… I’d rather not discuss this.
Tom: Okay. Let’s just say Mr. Ballmer is not pleased that there now exists solid statistical evidence that people who use Microsoft Internet Explorer are bunch of morons.
Head: Hey, wait a minute! How can you say that? Look at all the businesses that use Internet Explorer!
Tom: AptiQuant didn’t survey business users, it restricted the survey to consumers only.
Head: Well, that’s my point! If they had included all those business users…
Tom: The vast majority of whom have no choice as to which browser they get to use at the office…
Head: Yeah, but the fact is, the people who work for those businesses and use Internet Explorer because they don’t have any choice should have been included in the study.
Tom: How come?
Head: Because doing that would increase the average IQ of Internet Explorer users!
Tom: Why?
Head: Because the people who work at businesses that force them to use nothing but Microsoft Internet Explorer aren’t morons!
Tom: No, but it’s obvious that their IT directors are.
Head: Okay, okay… Let’s say, just for the sake of… analysis… that anybody who has nothing but Microsoft Internet Explorer on their home machine is, in fact, a total retard, and this AptiQuant study proves it. What can Microsoft do to deal with the situation?
Tom: Buy AptiQuant.
Head: What? Buy the company which just proved that Microsoft is the first choice of lame-brained idiots the world over?
Tom: Well, Microsoft is, in fact, the first choice of lame-brained idiots the world over, isn’t it?
Head: I’d rather not answer that, if you don’t mind.
Tom: No need to. Regardless of what intelligent people may think of Microsoft, they nevertheless must give the gang in Redmond credit. For all these years, Gates, Ballmer and Company have successfully kept it a secret that Microsoft products were the favorite choice of every stupid, clueless, incompetent, nose-picking cretin who has ever bought a personal computer.
Head: Wait…
Tom: And who, I might add, promptly accessed the World Wide Web with Internet Explorer and proceeded to prove, in no uncertain terms, that nobody with an IQ of less than 100 should even be allowed to own a computer!
Head: You hate me, don’t you?
Tom: No, I despise you. Not that it doesn’t mean I can’t offer you unbiased, useful advice.
Head: It doesn’t?
Tom: Absolutely not. If I couldn’t stand to give reprehensible, despicable scumbags unbiased, useful advice, I’d be out of business.
Head: You would? How come?
Tom: Because nearly every client I have is a reprehensible, despicable scumbag.
Head: Really?
Tom: Of course. This is Washington DC, after all.
Head: Oh, good. That’s a relief. I feel much better now. Thanks.
Tom: You’re welcome. Now – as I said: buy AptiQuant.
Head: Even though they announced all those bad things about Microsoft?
Tom: Because they announced those bad things about Microsoft! Buy AptiQuant and I guarantee you – AptiQuant will never publish a statistical study which says anything negative about Microsoft, ever again. As a matter of fact, I would expect that AptiQuant will publish a corrected version of their study which indicates that users of Microsoft products are all geniuses.
Head: Oh. Okay, great. But… how do I know how much AptiQuant is worth?
Tom: No problem. I’ll prepare a valuation and send it to you.
Head: Gee, thanks. Yeah, that would be very helpful. So you’ll come up with a dollar amount and I should advise Steve to buy AptiQuant for that, right?
Tom: No, you should take the amount I determine, double it, and advise Steve to offer that to buy AptiQuant.
Head: Double it? Why?
Tom: Because everybody has their price, and whoever they are, and whatever it is, Microsoft has so much money, Microsoft can afford to pay it.
Head: What? Everybody has their price? Including Tom Collins?
Tom: Well, I’m talking to you, aren’t I?
Head: Oh… yeah, I guess you are.
Tom: Yep. Any other questions?
Head: When can I get that quote for AptiQuant?
Tom: I’ll have it for you by noon tomorrow.
Head: Really? Okay, great. Until then, I guess.
Tom: Right. I’ll call you when it’s ready.
Head: Okay, great! ‘Bye, then!
Tom: Have a nice day. Goodbye.