“Mr. Collins,” Gretchen wailed in a desperate tone, “there’s this… uncouth boor, I guess is the best way to put it… on Line One, and I’m pretty sure he’s falling-down drunk, too. Every other word that comes out of his mouth is either [expletive], [expletive], [expletive] or [expletive], and after I spoke with him for about three minutes, he said I sound ‘hot’, and he’d like to eat my [expletive] so I can ‘see what a real [expletive] man with a nine-inch tongue can do for you,’ and so forth, including claims that his tongue is only half the size of his [expletive]! He says he’s the mayor of Toronto, Canada, and he’s demanding to speak with you!”
Just another working Saturday here inside the Beltway, I thought to myself as I replied, “Not to worry; Rand Paul warned me that he gave Rob Ford my number yesterday afternoon. Put him through.”
Ford: [Expletive]! What the [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] is [expletive] going on here, eh? I wanna talk to [expletive] Tom Collins!
Tom: At your service, Your Honor.
Ford: All [expletive] right, then! That’s more [expletive] like it! How the [expletive] are you, eh?
Tom: I’m fine, Your Honor. How may I assist you today?
Ford: Well, [expletive] United [expletive] States [expletive] Senator [expletive] Rand [expletive] Paul [expletive] says you’re the [expletive] smartest [expletive] [expletive] in Washington, DC! Is that [expletive] right?
Tom: If it is, I’d say that’s a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Ford: [Expletive] Baltimore [expletive] Maryland? Is that what you’re [expletive] talking about?
Tom: Indeed, that’s what I am talking about, Your Honor.
Ford: Don’t make [expletive] fun of the [expletive] way I say “about,” eh, you [expletive] [expletive] Southerner! Unless you want “about” up your [expletive] [expletive]!
Tom: Just kidding, Your Honor.
Ford: Well it’s not [expletive] funny, eh? You have any [expletive] idea how [expletive] [expletive] you [expletive] Americans sound when you [expletive] try to speak [expletive] English?
Tom: I’m sure we sound absolutely ridiculous, Your Honor.
Ford: [Expletive] right you do! Now… uh… um…
Tom: You were on the verge to telling me why you called, Your Honor.
Ford: Oh, uh, yeah… ah… it’s… it’s…
Tom: Because of the ongoing alleged scandal involving Your Honor, perhaps?
Ford: [Expletive]-A, yeah, that’s it. Look, Collins, I’m [expletive] innocent, okay? All this [expletive[ talk is just all [expletive] blown up all [expletive] out of [expletive] proportion, right?
Tom: So last May, when the Gawker web site and the Toronto Star newspaper both alleged that there is a cell phone video of you smoking crack cocaine, that was all made up?
Ford: You bet your [expletive] star-spangled American [expletive] it [expletive] was! It was total [expletive] lies, that’s what!
Tom: Still, the allegations have led to the resignation of your chief of staff, Mark Towhey, and well as several others, haven’t they?
Ford: [Expletive]! Look, I can’t [expletive] help it if those [expletive] twerps are a bunch of [expletive] [expletives] with [expletives] where their [expletives] ought to be! They wanna [expletive] run off like a [expletive] pack of [expletive] steet walking whores who just [expletive] heard a [expletive] police siren, I [expletive] say, [expletive] let ‘em! I say, I’m [expletive] stayin’, okay? I’m gonna [expletive] stay and I’m gonna [expletive] fight!
Tom: Despite the fact recent polls show that over sixty percent of Torontonians want you to resign?
Ford: Listen, Collins, I just happen know for a [expletive] fact that one hundred [expletive] percent of [expletive] public opinion polls are [expletive] [expletive]!
Tom: Oh, well, in that case…
Ford: [Expletive] right! In that [expletive] case, [expletive] ‘em!
Tom: But just this month, you did, in fact, admit to smoking crack cocaine, didn’t you, Your Honor?
Ford: What the [expletive]! I was [expletive] [expletive]-faced drunk! I could have been smoking [expletive] plutonium for all I [expletive] knew at the [expletive] time!
Tom: So that’s why you denied it at first?
Ford: Of course that’s why I [expletive] denied it!
Tom: But meanwhile, there were quite a few criminal incidents associated with the allegations – several gang arrests, drug arrests, a home invasion, a murder…
Ford: Oh, [expletive]! What can I [expletive] say? Toronto’s a big [expletive] city, okay? People get [expletive] arrested, homes get [expletive] invaded, people get [expletive] murdered, what the [expletive] – is all the [expletive]-up [expletive] that happens in [expletive] Toronto supposed to by my [expletive] fault now?
Tom: But you did admit smoking crack cocaine earlier this month, didn’t you?
Ford: [Expletive], I don’t [expletive] know – I was [expletive] drunk when I admitted it!
Tom: Very well then, Your Honor, let’s concede, at least, that you do, in fact, have a rather significant drinking problem.
Ford: Drinking problem? What [expletive] drinking problem? I [expletive] drink, I get [expletive] drunk, I [expletive] fall down, and I [expletive] pass out – no [expletive] problem!
Tom: But Your Honor, even if achieving a blood alcohol content commensurate with embalming doesn’t bother you, surely you must realize that others may be concerned about your ability to discharge your public duties as mayor of Toronto in such a condition?
Ford: [Expletive], are you [expletive] kidding me? Listen, Collins, I [expletive] govern better with a few [expletive] drinks in me, okay? You [expletive] got that, eh?
Tom: Understood, Your Honor.
Ford: So, look, Collins, this is why I called – they say you’re some kind of [expletive] genius and that’s exactly what I [expletive] need to get out of this [expletive] quick-sand pit full of [expletive] I’ve gotten [expletive] sucked into while I was working my [expletive] [expletive] off eighteen [expletive] hours a [expletive] day for the [expletive] people of [expletive] Toronto!
Tom: Because you’re not going to resign?
Ford: Resign? No [expletive] way, eh!
Tom: And you intend to fight the city council’s attempts to limit your power and reduce your staff?
Ford: All that [expletive] [expletive] is [expletive] illegal! They can’t [expletive] do that, and they [expletive] know it!
Tom: So therefore, you called me in order to receive some advice on what to do under the circumstances.
Ford: [Expletive], yeah. They say you give [expletive] good advice, and what’s more, you don’t charge a [expletive] cent the for the first [expletive] time!
Tom: True enough, I suppose.
Ford: So? What the [expletive] you got to say, eh?
Tom: So, what I would say, Your Honor, is this – deflect the criticism through analogous comparison.
Ford: Huh? What the [expletive] is that supposed to mean?
Tom: It means, Your Honor, that whenever you are called upon to respond to negative allegations or opinions about your actions, you should remind the good people of Toronto how lucky they are to have you as their mayor instead of some other people who are, or have been, mayors of other cities.
Ford: Such as [expletive] who, eh?
Tom: Well, now, for example, aren’t the citizens of Toronto glad they don’t have Len Brown, the mayor of Auckland, New Zealand, instead of you running the show down at City Hall? Brown had sex with his mistress in the mayoral chambers, thus desecrating the office of the mayor while committing adultery. Then there’s Mayor Bob Filner, of San Diego, who sexually molested female members of this staff and city government, then pleaded guilty to false imprisonment and sexual battery.
Ford: Ah, yeah, well, [expletive], problem there is, New Zealand and San Diego are a long [expletive] way from Toronto.
Tom: Then how about Detroit? You don’t have to look very far south from Toronto to see Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who just got sentenced to twenty-eight years in prison for corruption, fraud, sex, strippers, hookers, criminal conspiracy, jaywalking and spitting on the sidewalk. Just ask the people of Toronto to consider their exquisite good fortune, that you are their mayor instead of Kwame Kilpatrick.
Ford: [Expletive], yeah – once you look at that way…
Tom: Then there’s Eric Brewer, the Mayor of East Cleveland. Pictures of him dressed in drag have been posted on the Internet. So you can point out that whatever your faults, at least the citizens of Toronto don’t have to live down the stigma of having transvestite mayor. Think how the poor folks in East Cleveland must feel!
Ford: I can just [expletive] imagine! It must be [expletive] horrible!
Tom: And there was Carmen Kontur-Gronquist, the mayor of Arlington, Oregon, who posed next to a fire truck in nothing but her bra and panties. Or consider Mayor Gary Becker of Racine, Wisconsin, who went up on charges of child enticement, possession of child pornography, exposing a child to harmful materials, attempted second-degree sexual assault of a child, and use of a computer to facilitate a child sex crime and misconduct in public office. And ask your constituents to think about Chris Myers, the Mayor of Medford, New Jersey, who resigned following months of allegations that he had hired a male prostitute. Or Jerry Springer, Mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio, who paid a prostitute with a personal check. Aren’t the people of Toronto grateful that their mayor isn’t such a pathetic idiot?
Ford: Well, they [expletive] better be, eh?
Tom: And speaking of pathetic idiots, how about Mayor Sue Hallinan of Pennington, Illinois, who had to resign after being caught passing counterfeit coupons at a Kroger supermarket? Or Kang Un-tae, the Mayor of Gwangju, South Korea, who is accused of forging the signatures of
former prime minister Kim Hwang-sik and former culture minister Choe Kwang-shik on a bid document that guaranteed public funding for the city to host the 2019 swimming world championships? Don’t the good citizens of Toronto appreciate how much better it is to have a mayor who ties on a good buzz once in a while, instead of forging signatures on dubious contracts to host fruity sports events that put their city in hock up to its ears?
Ford: [Expletive] swimming championships? How [expletive] gay can you [expletive] get, eh?
Tom: And how about Mayor Lee Bettis of New Bern, North Carolina? In a 911 call, made around two o’clock in the morning, his wife declared, “My husband just left. He just pushed me down the stairs and choked me and took off.” Now there you go – think about it. I’m sure you would never do anything like that. As a matter of fact, quite to the contrary, I understand you have all the good things you want to eat at home, as it were.
Ford: And she [expletive] loves, it!
Tom: Right, so aren’t Torontonians glad that not only is their mayor absolutely no wife beater, he is, in fact, a regular Michael Douglas in bed?
Ford: Well, [expletive], if they aren’t, they don’t [expletive] know what’s [expletive] good, do they?
Tom: Excellent talking point, Your Honor.
Ford: So, you think if I… um… adopt that strategy, I can shovel my way out of this pile of [expletive]?
Tom: It would be a start. And when you think about it, since you don’t plan to give up, what else could you do?
Ford: Good [expletive] point, there yourself, Collins. What do you think my chances would be then, eh?
Tom: Your Honor, if history is any indicator, your chances could be pretty good. Take, for example, James Michael Curley, the Mayor of Boston, who actually ran the city from a jail cell while serving time on a conviction for mail fraud.
Ford: No [expletive]? Hey, I like that – it’s [expletive] inspiring, that’s what that [expletive] is!
Tom: Then there’s Buddy Cicani, the Mayor of Providence, Rhode Island; who never let accusations of corruption stand in the way of his career. As a matter of fact, he turned the tables on everybody and had twenty-two of his own staff indicted on bribery charges.
Ford: [Expletive] slick! Slicker than seal [expletive]! I [expletive] love it! Maybe I ought to [expletive] do that – teach those [expletive] [expletives] some [expletive] respect!
Tom: And let’s not forget Jersey City Mayor Jerramiah Healy, who survived a nude photo scandal and an FBI sting. And, of course, Marion Barry, the mayor of my home town here, Washington DC – he didn’t just take one or two tokes off a crack pipe, you know. He smoked the stuff like a chimney, for years, until federal agents got to him by arresting his girlfriend, turning her into an undercover informant, luring Barry into a hotel room rigged with hidden video cameras, and catching him in the act. Despite that, and serving six months in federal prison, he went on to become mayor again, and now, twenty-three years later, he’s still on the DC City Council.
Ford: So you think there’s light at the end of this [expletive] tunnel?
Tom: If you play your cards right, yes.
Ford: [Expletive] excellent! Mind if I call you back later, then?
Tom: If you need further advice, then by all means, please do. At that point it will, however, be a billable consultation.
Ford: Oh, yeah… that. You know, your [expletive] rates… I mean, [expletive]… I don’t know where I’d get the [expletive] money to pay that [expletive].
Tom: Experience has shown my clients to be remarkably resourceful when the need for my advice is paramount.
Ford: Hmmm. Yeah… well, okay, but I’ll have to [expletive] think about it.
Tom: Of course, but please, don’t overwork your brain, friend.
Ford: Overwork my [expletive] brain? Listen, you’re not my friend, buddy!
Tom: Well, you’re not my buddy, guy.
Ford: Yeah? Well, you’re not… um… ah, [expletive]! Goodbye, [expletive]!