While I was stuck here in Washington with all the world’s problems and rotten weather to boot, Cerise made it out of town last weekend for a nice trip to St. Croix. And as luck would have it, thanks to winter storm Pax, despite her planned return on Thursday she was stuck there until at least Friday. So she decided to take another weekend in the islands and attempt a return tomorrow. With Veronica similarly occupied in the fun and sun of Cancún, enjoying, by the way, the amorous company of a certain married member of Congress who should know better, I was left alone at home with nobody for company but my cat Twinkle. At least the snow put a damper on my Saturday business and allowed me to stay here in Great Falls, Virginia, with a cozy oak and hickory blaze glowing in the fireplace. And there I was, sipping my second cappuccino and about half way through the latest issue of Harper’s, Twinkle purring contentedly at my side.
“Warm fire,” she opined. “Nice.”
Then the land line rang. The country code indicated Russia, but caller ID offered no clue as to who it was.
Twinkle stood up, offering a highly reproving glance as she observed me answering. “Talk, talk,” she complained, raising her tail indignantly as she hopped off the couch and strutted regally toward the den. “Take nap.”
Tom: Hello? Who’s this?
Voice: Is Valentin Ivanovich Aleksandrov Kikinski.
Tom: I’m sorry, who?
Kikinski: Am assistant equipment manager of Russian Olympic hockey team.
Tom: Oh. I see.
Kikinski: Is Tom Collins I am speaking to?
Tom: Yes, this is he. May I ask how you got my home phone number?
Kikinski: My uncle, he is… Third Underassistant Deputy Attaché for Culture, Tourism, Athletics and Sports Affairs at Russian Embassy in Washington.
Tom: Oh, you mean Richardovi Sukov.
Kikinski: Da… I mean, yes. That is my uncle. Sukovs marry Kikinskis in Belinsky, make many cousins, aunts and uncles.
Tom: I must remember to thank him. And my compliments on that formidable bit of English just now.
Kikinski: Before I call you, I spend hour practicing to say his job so I get it right.
Tom: Well, congratulations, that was pretty near perfect. Any relative of Deputy Sukov is a friend of mine – how can I help you?
Kikinski: This day, Russian team lose hockey game to Americans.
Tom: Oh, really? I hadn’t checked the news since I got out of bed.
Kikinski: Bed?
Tom: That’s right. It’s about eleven in the morning here.
Kikinski: But is eight at night!
Tom: Yeah, that’s how it works. Sorry to hear that your team lost a hockey game, Valentin. But it’s not like you’re playing in a sudden-death elimination tournament, is it? In Olympic hockey tournaments, teams are awarded points instead – three for a regulation time win, with overtime and shootout wins worth two points.
Kikinski: Is correct, yes.
Tom: And they even give the loser of an overtime or shootout game a point, don’t they?
Kikinski: Also correct. And loss was overtime shootout.
Tom: Really? Okay, so even though Russia lost to the United States, they only got two points and you got one, which means you’re only a single point behind them, right? Because Russia got three points for defeating Slovenia 5 to 2 on Thursday, and the US got three points for defeating Slovakia 7 to 1 and…
Kikinski: Points are not point! Point is Russia lost to United States! Point is Putin is angry!
Tom: Angry about what?
Kikinski: Russia spend trillions of rubles – fifty-one billion of your dollars – to have Sochi Olympics so Putin can watch Russian hockey team beat United States. And look what happen – Russia lose to United States! After losing game, Putin send his… representatives… to have talk with Russian players. After that, they… how you say? They freak the [expletive] out, start asking, very quiet, what they can do if Russian Olympic ice hockey team not win gold medal.
Tom: Wait a minute here, Valentin. You’re not saying Putin sent his goons to have a little chat with Ovechkin, Malkin, Voynov, Tarasenko, Datsyuk, Kulemin, Nikitin, Markov, Belov, Emelin, Anisimov, Tyutin, Varlamov, Nichushkin or Bobrovsky, are you?
Kikinski: No, no, of course not it is I am saying that, because those are all Russians from National Hockey League who are on 2014 Russian Olympic ice hockey team. Putin send goons to have little talk with Eremenko, Popov, Radulov, Tikhonov, Nikulin, Svitov, Tereshchenko, Medvedev and Kovalchuk, who are Russians on Russian team.
Tom: And you’re telling me that Eremenko, Popov, Radulov, Tikhonov, Nikulin, Svitov, Tereshchenko, Medvedev and Kovalchuk haven’t told Ovechkin, Malkin, Voynov, Tarasenko, Datsyuk, Kulemin, Nikitin, Markov, Belov, Emelin, Anisimov, Tyutin, Varlamov, Nichushkin or Bobrovsky anything about that?
Kikinski: No, nothing. Their lips have been glued shut, because this is Russia and Putin is in charge. They tell the NHL guys nothing because they know the NHL guys will tell Matt Lauer or Bob Costas or Al Roker or somebody with micrphone on TV and then NBC will report big scandal and that will only make things worse for Russian hockey team members like Eremenko, Popov, Radulov, Tikhonov, Nikulin, Svitov, Tereshchenko, Medvedev and Kovalchuk.
Tom: Worse?
Kikinski: You have Nutcracker in United States?
Tom: Yes, every Christmas season, Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s Opus Seventy-one is performed for appreciative audiences nationwide.
Kikinski: In Putin’s Russia, we also have Nutcracker. But is not ballet dance with sugar plum fairies. Is device Putin keep in basement from former days with KGB, and is no fun, I am telling you for sure. And if Russian ice hockey team not get gold medal in 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics, Russian team members worried they will meet Nutcracker in Putin’s basement. Also Putin have batteries from old Ladas, made in Tolyatti, Samara Oblast. These he connect together to give big shock to tender parts of Russian hockey players who not win gold medal in Winter Olympic games Putin spend trillions of rubles for and build Ice Palace in Sochi where they play and supposed to win, or else.
Tom: Oh, surely, their concerns must be highly exaggerated, don’t you think?
Kikinski: Putin not permit thinking, only doing. And doing mean winning ice hockey gold medal for Russia in 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics. Win gold medal, get big parade in Red Square, dinner at Kremlin, shake hands with Putin, whole family live good life, get best schools, top jobs, everything. Lose hockey Olympic games, not get gold medal, then meet Nutcracker and Lada battery collection in Putin’s basement, family finished. Is just that simple.
Tom: Okay, let’s stipulate to that scenario, if you insist. In that case, what can I do?
Kikinski: Uncle Nikolai Richardovi said you are smartest person in Washington DC.
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Kikinski: Baltimore? What is that?
Tom: It’s a city located a few miles north of Washington on the Patapsco River, a tributary of the Chesapeake Bay.
Kikinski: That bay, I think maybe I have heard of, anyway. Is ice hockey team there in Baltimore?
Tom: No, not since the Clippers left town in 1976 – unless you want to count the Skipjacks, but even then, not since 1993.
Kikinski: Then you are saying, there are many tall buildings in Baltimore; that it is a city famous for its very tall buildings?
Tom: No, not particularly. Look, Valentin, if Mr. Putin is as… um… adamant about winning ice hockey gold and making Russia look great and powerful at the Sochi Winter Olympics as you believe, and your team fails to, ah… satisfy him, do you suppose it might be… useful for the Russian members of the team to have a… plausible explanation?
Kikinski: If Russian team does not win gold medal for Putin, Mr. Collins, we Russians, who must stay here after Olympics end – not fly away back to United States or Canada to make big bucks working for NHL – we will be biting our elbows, jumping above our heads and grabbing at straws in wind; anything to avoid Nutcracker, Lada batteries and Putin’s ruin for our families! Please, telling me, what is it, your idea?
Tom: Blame the NHL players.
Kikinski: What? How is possible?
Tom: It’s simple, actually. Most of them are from NHL teams in the United States – the Carolina Hurricanes, the Columbus Blue Jackets, the Detroit Red Wings, the Colorado Avalanche, the Dallas Stars, the St. Louis Blues, the Los Angeles Kings, the Pittsburgh Penguins, and, of course, the Washington Capitals. So, if the Russian Olympic ice hockey team doesn’t deliver what Mr. Putin wants, then obviously, it’s because all those Americans on the team conspired to throw games so the United States could take home the medals.
Kikinski: Now I see! Putin will not dare to make any of the American players visit his basement!
Tom: And the Russian members of the team can claim they played as hard as they could to win the gold for Putin, but with all those conniving American players on the team, there was just no way.
Kikinski: Yes, that’s it, now I am understanding – Amerikanski narushitel’ granitsy!
Tom: Exactly – American infiltrators.
Kikinski: Oh, thank you, Mr. Collins! You have saved many good Russians today!
Tom: You’re welcome.
Kikinski: Can I call you later if details are needed?
Tom: Certainly. Give my regards to your uncle.
Kikinski: Yes, I will do that. Goodbye, then.
Tom: Das vadanya.