Starting on Wednesday afternoon and continuing until Gretchen managed to squeeze him in for an initial telephone consultation on Friday morning, Aloysius Mortimer Philpott-Farquhar proved to be both persistent and indefatigable. He demonstrated a great deal of character, also, in my humble opinion, by insisting on paying for it when he could have had it for free. You’ve got to hand it to a guy like that.
Tom: Hello, this Tom Collins.
Philpott-Farquhar: Good morning Mr. Collins. This is Aloysius Philpott-Farquhar.
Tom: It’s a pleasure to speak with you, Mr. Philpott-Farquhar. How may I help you?
Philpott-Farquhar: First of all, you can call me Al. Everybody does.
Tom: No problem. Okay, Al, what’s up?
Al: Well, first of all, I work for the Department of Homeland Security.
Tom: Congratulations.
Al: Uh, sure, you’re welcome. Um, the reason I’m calling is about the Secret Service.
Tom: Well, they’ve certainly had a hard time of it lately, haven’t they?
Al: No doubt about it.
Tom: The agency’s latest Director, Julia Pierson, had to resign the day before yesterday. It seems the Secret Service let an armed rent-a-cop with multiple criminal assault records into the same elevator as the President of the United States during Obama’s visit to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta on September sixteenth.
Al: Yeah, they did.
Tom: It’s obvious the previous Director, Mark Sullivan, had his hands full, too, though. There was that incident where thirteen Secret Service agents on advance detail prior to the President’s visit to Columbia for the Summit of the Americas were caught enjoying the services of Cartagena’s world-renowned prostitutes while on duty.
Al: No telling what those guys were thinking – totally inappropriate, obviously.
Tom: Then there was the Secret Service agent who got drunk while carrying his pistol in the bar of the Hay Adams Hotel here in Washington. He apparently left one of his bullets with the woman he picked up there and, shall we say, distinguished himself later with the DC Police Department while attempting to retrieve it.
Al: He definitely should have known better. They have a saying there at the Secret Service – “alcohol and gunpowder don’t mix.”
Tom: That’s for sure – it won’t shoot and it tastes awful. Then there’s that incident last March in the Netherlands where a Secret Service agent got so snockered, he passed out in the hallway of an Amsterdam hotel before he could make it to his room.
Al: Yeah, they really need to get those guys to ease up on the sauce. Even if they’re off duty and have their guns safely locked up, having them black out in public like that, well, it just looks like maybe the Secret Service is a bunch of alcoholics or something.
Tom: And to make matters worse, that fellow was part of the new elite Counter Assault Team, wasn’t he?
Al: All three of them involved in the incident were. It’s disgraceful. I mean, if the CATs are all drunk as skunks, people will think the Secret Service has gone to the dogs.
Tom: And, of course, there was the incident where they let a deranged fellow with a knife jump the White House fence, run across the lawn, open the front door and get inside.
Al: Uh-huh, that too.
Tom: And the subsequent cover-up about how far that lunatic got.
Al: No doubt about it, that was a big mistake. They should have admitted everything.
Tom: It seems that nut case managed to take a better tour of the White House than most distinguished visitors do, before an off-duty Secret Service agent finally ran him down and tackled him.
Al: The crazier the suspects are, the harder they are to catch, they say.
Tom: All tolled, I believe there have been something like eight hundred misconduct cases involving Secret Service agents since 2004.
Al: True, there have been at least that many, including over thirty involving either alcohol or drug abuse. They’ve got a serious problem, no doubt about it.
Tom: You keep saying, “they,” so I assume you aren’t a member of the Secret Service?
Al: Nope, I’m not. I work for… um… another division of DHS.
Tom: So why are you so concerned about the Secret Service?
Al: Well, that’s why I called you, in fact. You see, this Acting Director they’ve appointed…
Tom: Joe Clancy?
Al: Yeah, him. He’s a good guy and very competent…
Tom: I’m not too sure about the “competent” part, actually. Wasn’t he the head of White House Security when those two sick creeps, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, crashed a party there so they could get on some lame real housewives reality show?
Al: Well, yeah, he was, but everybody went after the Secret Service instead of him, and then sort of forgot about it, I guess. See, the problem is, Clancy retired from the Secret Service 2011, and they had to ask him to come back to be Acting Director. So it stands to reason he isn’t going to hang around very long, and that really bothers me.
Tom: It does? How come?
Al: Because it’s obvious they’re not going to replace him with someone from within the agency.
Tom: That has been the general rule, though – appoint somebody who has worked their way up through the ranks in the Secret Service family.
Al: And now, there’s this idea going around to the effect that is exactly what’s wrong. Now, the Powers That Be figure everything’s been way too cozy with that arrangement, and it’s time to bring in a Director from outside the agency.
Tom: But not… too… far outside?
Al: Right.
Tom: Someone who works for an… allied organization?
Al: Uh-huh.
Tom: Such as… the Department of Homeland Security, possibly?
Al: Very, very possibly.
Tom: Someone… such as yourself maybe?
Al: You got it! And that’s exactly what I’m worried about!
Tom: You’re on the short list?
Al: One of the last five, unfortunately.
Tom: And you don’t want the job?
Al: Are you kidding? It would be career suicide!
Tom: Okay, then, my first advice to you would be to keep that fact completely secret from everyone.
Al: That the next person who gets appointed Director of the Secret Service had better have a big, fat 401(k), because that’s going to be the last decent paying job they ever have?
Tom: No, the fact that you think a person would have to be a damned fool to accept it.
Al: I don’t understand. Why keep that a secret?
Tom: Because the Powers That Be are all too aware of the fact that, at this point, only a damned fool would accept the position as Director of the Secret Service. But they don’t want a damned fool leading the Secret Service – they figure that’s what brought things to this glorious pinnacle of embarrassment and ridicule we’re witnessing at the moment to begin with. And presumably, the other four candidates are, in fact, damned fools who want the job. So if word gets around that you don’t…
Al: Oh, my God! I’d be in like Flynn!
Tom: And, of course, you couldn’t possibly decline.
Al: No, no, that would be career suicide, too! If the President asks you to accept a Directorship, and you turn him down, you might as well move to Lancaster County and keep bees for the rest of your life.
Tom: Actually, you know, Gretchen, my private secretary, is from Lancaster County, and she says it’s quite pleasant, in fact, albeit incredibly boring.
Al: No, no – I’ve got a really cool job here at DHS, doing really cool stuff, leading an organization that’s got its act together and doesn’t think it’s some big, extended family like the Secret Service does.
Tom: That “family” paradigm has been a Secret Service tradition for as long as anyone in Washington can remember. Unfortunately, it appears the family has become highly dysfunctional.
Al: Right – look at all the drinking, lying, cover-ups, malicious gossip and back-stabbing going on. Jesus Christ, you know, I hate to say this, but it reminds me of my own family, and believe me, you don’t want to eat Thanksgiving dinner at Granny’s house with that bunch!
Tom: You can choose your friends, but not your relatives.
Al: Or your subordinates, either, at least not in a federal agency, anyway. And if I got stuck with the Directorship of the Secret Service, I’d have a whole army of drunk, horny, dysfunctional bozos to contend with, and what’s more, I’d be ultimately responsible for all their pathetic screw-ups! Holy Communion, Tom, please, tell me – how the hell can I get out of this predicament?
Tom: Make sure all four of the other finalists appear to be better choices than you.
Al: By doing what?
Tom: You know who these people are?
Al: Um, well, more or less, yeah – the grapevine and all, you know.
Tom: I assume you have some contacts in the press?
Al: A few.
Tom: Okay, then here’s what you do – leak stories to the media that reveal slightly nasty things about the other four candidates, and make sure it appears that, in each case, one of the other three is responsible for it.
Al: Hmmm… All right, I can do that. What should these stories say?
Tom: Don’t allege anything particularly vicious, such as they beat their spouses or anything like that, or claim something that might disqualify them from appointment, such as they have an illegal alien nanny or a gambling habit. Just go after them for things that would move them out of the top spot for consideration. Say that they inflated their resumes, or don’t have enough minorities on their staff, or they’re a Redskins fan and want to keep the team name – that sort of thing.
Al: What will that do?
Tom: Two things – first of all, it will touch off a tit-for-tat brawl among the four other candidates, wherein they will continue to supply nasty revelations about one another without any further effort from you. Second, and most importantly, the Powers That Be will see the four of them sniping at each other while also noticing that none of them are sniping at you.
Al: And what will the Powers That Be make of that?
Tom: They will conclude that the other four candidates don’t consider you worth denigrating.
Al: And… so?
Tom: And so the Powers That Be will further conclude that because the other four candidates aren’t wasting their time and energy trying to keep you out of the running for the Directorship, there must be a good reason.
Al: And then, will the Powers That Be try to find out what that reason is?
Tom: No.
Al: They won’t? Why not?
Tom: Because, if the Powers That Be start searching for the reason the other four candidates are ignoring you in their mutual mud-slinging match, they will run the risk of someone in the media noticing they are doing that.
Al: And the Powers That Be don’t want someone in the media noticing that they are trying to find out why the other four candidates for Directorship of the Secret Service are ignoring me?
Tom: They certainly don’t.
Al: How come?
Tom: Because you are a senior federal official, and consequently, the Powers That Be are supposed to know everything there is to know about you already. Therefore, to be caught looking for something they are already supposed to know would be very, very bad for their image.
Al: Okay, so then what will happen?
Tom: Instead of looking into it and finding out there are no good reasons why you shouldn’t be appointed Director of the Secret Service, the Powers That Be will simply assume there must be some and appoint one of the four suckers… I mean, four other candidates… to the position.
Al: Wow… that’s… that’s… absolutely brilliant! Um… but to tell the truth, I’m not so good at thinking up those little nasties like you just mentioned, about resumes, minorities, the Redskins, and so forth. Could I get a few more of those?
Tom: I’ll do better than that – email me the other four candidate’s names, and I’ll send back four customized lists of personalized rumors you can spread around for each one of them.
Al: Wow! Now that’s what I call service! Look for an email from me in ten minutes!
Tom: And you’ll have your Reply to it before close of business today.
Al: Excellent! Thanks, Tom! So I guess we’re done for now, huh?
Tom: You’re welcome. Yes, we are. Goodbye.