As luck would have it, Monday was the regularly scheduled bimonthly consultation for Max Slaughter, Chief Policy Analyst for the American Firearms, Ammunition and Tactical Weaponry Manufacturing Association, an industry lobbying group here in Washington DC. He’s always rather upbeat and optimistic, but on this particular morning, he was verging on the positively ebullient.
“Excellent week for the industry,” he chortled as he sidled into my office, tossed his Gucci briefcase on the 1924 art deco coffee table and nestled into the buttery soft lamb skin leather of the couch in front of the picture window overlooking the White House. “Every time there’s a mass shooting, sales go up, of course, but this San Bernardino thing has made the market for our products absolutely skyrocket!”
“It is an ill wind indeed,” I observed, “that blows no good for anyone.”
“I guess it would have to be,” Slaughter concurred with a satisfied smile. “And then there’s that statement Jerry Falwell, Jr. made during Liberty University’s convocation service last Friday,” he effused, “where he said that if more good people had concealed-carry gun permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in and killed all those innocent victims at that Health Department Christmas party. Mighty clever of Liberty University to offer a tuition-free firearms qualification course, too, don’t you think?”
“It only stands to reason,” I opined, “that heavily armed mass murderers would think twice about trying to attack a college campus where thirty percent of the students are packing serious heat.”
“You bet; make no mistake about it!” Slaughter emphatically proclaimed. “If Mister and Missus Looney Tunes ISIS Terrorists had tried that Ali-ali-oxen-free-oh Ak-bar shoot-em-up crap at the Liberty University Christmas party, the students and faculty would have whipped out their nine-millimeters and their forty-four magnums and put about six hundred rounds in that pair of jabbering towel-headed boogie-woogies, not the other way around like what happened in San Bernardino!”
“Indubitably,” I dryly responded. “It’s abundantly evident that devout and well armed Evangelicals are not to be trifled with. But aside from that, how can I help the American Firearms, Ammunition and Tactical Weaponry Manufacturing Association this morning?”
“Well,” Slaughter drawled, “under the circumstances, I figure it would be nice to get back to the Board of Directors with some constructive suggestions on how to leverage the situation.”
“Of course,” I agreed. “What specific goal did you have in mind?”
“How about the goal turning every school, factory and office in America into something just as safe from Islamic terrorists as the Liberty University campus?” Slaughter proposed.
“Understood,” I replied. “Free firearms training is definitely a good start, but I assume the AFATWMA would like to take things to the… logical conclusions implied by such a policy?”
“It certainly would!” Slaughter enthusiastically vouched. “What sort of… initiatives come to your famously fertile mind?”
“Well, for starters,” I mused, “the Association should donate money to the Liberty University Athletics Department to fund making practical shooting a varsity sport.”
“And make it clear,” Slaughter presumed, “that any other colleges which might want to start their own varsity practical shooting sports programs would also receive funding.”
“But of course,” I concurred. “And let’s not forget putting up the money for practical shooting sport scholarships. Those will, naturally, provide an incentive for addition of varsity practical shooting to the sports curricula of high schools and preparatory academies nationwide.”
“It occurs to me, however,” Slaughter fretted, “that well, you know… practical shooting can be pretty scary stuff. It’s basically training for a real-life gunfight, and we need to anticipate a certain amount of initial resistance to it, just because of that.”
“In that case,” I recommended, “start with introduction of Olympic firearms sports.”
“You mean,” he asked, “like three-position rifle, pistol and skeet shooting?”
“And about a dozen others,” I noted, “including rapid-fire pistol, trap, double trap, mixed pistol with rifle, moving target, disappearing target, several military pistol events, a number of team events and the rifle / ski winter biathlon.”
“Something for everyone!” he exulted. “And that biathlon thing – what’s that all about?”
“The contestants ski cross-country with a rifle,” I explained, “stopping periodically to shoot at targets.”
I could almost see the light bulb go off over Slaughter’s head as his eyes lit up with inspiration. “How about they ride bicycles cross-country with assault rifles? Then you’d have an event that wouldn’t need snow! Plus, the assault rifles could be full auto, couldn’t they? That would be so cool!”
“Certainly sounds like it would be,” I acknowledged. “Use motorized dirt bikes and I can’t imagine any red-blooded American high school boy not wanting to be on the team.”
“Now you’re talking!” Slaughter exclaimed, “Hell, I just wish they had a varsity sport like that when I was in high school!”
“Don’t we all?” I asked, rhetorically.
“But we better not wait until the ninth grade,” he remarked. “That might be too late. We need to get the kids interested in firearm sports as early as we can.”
“There are two possibilities there,” I posited. “Pellet guns or paint guns. I’d suggest soft clay pellets for target shooting and paint guns to get them started on practical shooting.”
“Get ’em while they’re young!” Slaughter expounded, nodding sagely. “That’s what the jihadis do – they train their kids to be terrorists while they’re still in diapers. We’ve got to begin developing firearms skills with ours just as early!”
“Then there are the economic considerations,” I continued.
“Really?” Slaughter wondered aloud. “Economic considerations? Such as what?”
“Well,” I pointed out, “for instance, in order to encourage home ownership, the federal government allows home owners to deduct mortgage interest from their income tax. By analogy, the Association should lobby Congress to pass tax subsidies for the purchase of firearms to protect citizens’ homes from terrorist attacks.”
“Collins!” Slaughter shouted, “that’s brilliant!”
“Thanks,” I modestly replied.
“It makes perfect sense, too,” he commented. “After all, why have a home with a thirty year mortgage that some rabid Muslim terrorist can take from you in five minutes with an AK-47? It’s obvious that the sensible thing to do is make the purchase of a couple of AR-15’s tax deductible for every home owner in the United States! Not to mention what that would do for sales!”
“Not to mention,” I concurred. “And firearms sales to church organizations such as the Reverend Falwell’s should, naturally, be exempt from any form of excise taxes, regardless of their monetary size or the number of firearms involved.”
“Separation of church and state, of course,” Slaughter noted. “It’s right there in the first amendment, isn’t it? Should be a slam dunk.” Then suddenly, a look of uncertainty crossed his face. “But… what about… ammunition?”
“Ammunition?” I repeated, a bit nonplussed.
“Well,” he clarified, “we can’t just leave it at ordinary lead rounds, now can we? Not with terrorists running around wearing bullet-proof vests!”
“You’ll have to get a number of state and federal laws changed if you want to use anything that can penetrate those,” I advised. “Law enforcement organizations are mighty particular about ammo containing teflon-coated or depleted uranium bullets, for example.”
“You’re right,” he conceded. “That’s going to require some very serious lobbying. Can you draft a strategy white paper about it for me to present to the Board of Directors tomorrow afternoon?”
“Given my other commitments,” I told him, “that would only be feasible if I can begin work immediately.”
“Okay,” Slaughter barked as he abruptly rose from the couch, “I won’t take up another single minute of your time. Get on it right away!”
“If time allows,” I inquired as he made for the door, “would you like an appendix on the necessary additional steps to make armor-piercing and incendiary ammunition legal, too?”
“No,” he replied, “I think we had better wait until there’s a mass murder where the insane Islamic terrorists use an armored vehicle first. No point in going overboard.”
“Oh no,” I said as he opened the door to leave, “we certainly wouldn’t want to do that.”