I like a nice bagel with smoked salmon once in a while, but it’s getting harder and harder to find wild caught Nova Scotia smoked salmon these days, and Nova salmon’s the best and wild caught fish is the only fish I will buy. If I want to consume the flesh of an animal that’s been cooped up for its entire life, fed industrial grade species-specific “chow” pellets that contain artificial coloring agents and kept in close contact with its own wastes all the time, I’ll go out and buy a Perdue chicken. So I was very happy to have located some wild caught smoked Nova; so happy, in fact, that I actually brought the ingredients for my lunch to work on Monday, and prepared it in our little office galley, which is something I hardly ever do. But right around 12:15, Gretchen buzzed me to say that the White House was waiting on Line One. So much for enjoying a warm, perfectly toasted Nova sesame bagel with scallion cream cheese, white chicory and a slice of heirloom hothouse tomato, then. It turned out that my caller was Fitzmorgan at EOP.
Tom: Good afternoon, this is Tom Collins.
Fitzmorgan: Hello, Tom. Did you catch the President’s final news conference?
Tom: Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.
Fitzmorgan: Good, because that’s why I’m calling. The Chief has the staff contacting members of the Washington public service, lobbying, congressional interest and consulting communities for their reactions.
Tom: I’m honored to be included.
Fitzmorgan: Well, of course you are. The President is about to pass into history, and he’s very concerned about his legacy; you know, that there should be proper understanding of his accomplishments and the importance of his term in office.
Tom: Well, given the circumstances, I can readily understand that.
Fitzmorgan: Ah, yes. So, okay – first, can you give me your general overall impression of President George W. Bush’s final press conference?
Tom: I thought it was quite presidential…
Fitzmorgan: … uh-huh… Let me get that down here…
Tom: …as well as being remarkably pressisorial…
Fitzmorgan: … what?
Tom: … and highly conferencial, too.
Fitzmorgan: I beg your pardon, Tom, but I don’t think “pressisorial” and “conferencial” are real words.
Tom: Precisely my point. Undeniably, George W. Bush’s contributions to innovative terminology and syntax of the English language combinational structurality and wordical componentness will make up a major part of his historical legacy; such as, when he remarked this morning that the press corps had, at times, “misunderestimated” him, and then followed that with the statement “But always the relationship I have felt has been professional.” Such languagorial inventitude, it looks to me, will be hard forgotten by those who engage in the recordial pursuit of presidential verbalistic histories. Perhaps, even, George W. Bush has ginorsurously trended the communicatorial evolutioning process, showing up the route to an ever-expanding frontierness within the constantly fluxicated universe of American speechifying stylisms.
Fitzmorgan: Indeed. Perhaps he has.
Tom: Yeah, no doubt about it – history will definitely remember him, if not for what he said, then for how he said it.
Fitzmorgan: You know, Tom, you’re the first person I’ve interviewed today who’s pointed that out, but now that you mention it, yeah, I can see it – George has completely re-configured the linguistic landscape. For better…
Tom: Or worse – and I’m sure that’s going to be a significant part of his legacy. What’s more, his last press conference offered several excellent examples.
Fitzmorgan: Right. Got that, then. How do you think he handled the questions about transition to the Obama administration?
Tom: I particularly liked the part where he was talking about the luncheon he and Obama had with former presidents Carter, Clinton, and George’s father, and George said, ah, let me check my transcript… yes, here it is – he said “And one common area, at least the four of us, we all had different circumstances and experiences, but one thing is we’ve all experienced what it means to assume the responsibility of the presidency. And President-Elect Obama is fixing to do that.” That was a nice touch, you know, slipping into that Dixie business and all – “fixing to do that.” I think it means history will remember George W. Bush as…
Fitzmorgan: … as what?
Tom: Well, don’t take this the wrong way now, y’hear…
Fitzmorgan: … why, shucks, no…
Tom: … as a real… Texan.
Fitzmorgan: “Will be remembered as a real Texan.” That’ll be sure ‘nuff fine with the Chief, I reckon. How about his final reactions to the Middle East situation?
Tom: Ah, again, don’t get me wrong here, but, oh, well, I guess his explanation of what’s going on over there was just as confused and muddled as what’s actually going on over there, so let’s just say it was… accurate, in that respect, at least.
Fitzmorgan: “Accurate?” Good, I’m sure he’ll appreciate that perspective on his remarks concerning the Middle East, Tom. How do you think history will remember George’s accomplishments there?
Tom: Frankly, I think history will remember that George W. Bush let Israel drag the United States around by the nose and use its influence with American Zionists to trick us into invading Iraq on a patently false pretext, thus squandering every bit of good will the world extended to America after 9/11.
Fitzmorgan: Oh. I don’t suppose you’ll mind if I leave that particular remark out? The Chief hates negativity, you know.
Tom: No problem.
Fitzmorgan: So – moving right along, how about that clever exchange with Suzanne Malveaux?
Tom: You mean the one where he finally pronounced her name correctly and then makes fun of it by pronouncing his own with a hokey French accent?
Fitzmorgan: Yeah.
Tom: Like I said, I think history will remember him as a true Texan.
Fitzmorgan: That again, huh?
Tom: You said he hates negativity, right?
Fitzmorgan: So I did. Okay, how about the way George answered Suzanne’s question concerning the Axis of Evil?
Tom: I think history will remember George W. Bush as a true Texan.
Fitzmorgan: Right. What did you think of his explanation of the administration’s problems foreseeing the Al-Qaeda attacks and its subsequent efforts to prevent further ones?
Tom: You mean that business about “connecting the dots?”
Fitzmorgan: Yes, that’s the metaphor he used.
Tom: I’ll level with you – he sounded like a six year old child complaining that his first grade homework is too hard.
Fitzmorgan: Hmmm… I probably won’t be using that one, either… moving right along, then, how about his comments on the future of the Republican Party?
Tom: Oh, yeah, that – let me see here… Okay, I got it. I liked the part where he said “… we just got to make sure our message is broad-gauged and compassionate; that we care about people’s lives, and we’ve got a plan to help them improve their lives.”
Fitzmorgan: Gee, I missed that part. Is “broad-gauged” really a word, or an expression… or anything?
Tom: Well, Nixon said, “If the President does it, then it’s not illegal,” so, I suppose, if the President says it, then it’s a word, or an expression… or something.
Fitzmorgan: What do you figure he meant?
Tom: Oh, I don’t know… “broad-gauged…” maybe he meant large and powerful, like a ten-gauge shotgun or something. A “full bore pipe” concept, perhaps.
Fitzmorgan: Yeah, I guess, maybe something like that.
Tom: Sure – a Texas-sized Freudian slip.
Fitzmorgan: Okay, I think I’ll leave that one out, too, if you don’t mind.
Tom: Hey, it’s your survey – go right ahead.
Fitzmorgan: Okay, next, there’s his answer to a reporter’s request for a closing message to the American people on his performance. Do your remember it?
Tom: That’s the next item in the transcript, actually. Let me see… oh yeah. I like it when he says “Well, first of all, hard things don’t happen overnight.”
Fitzmorgan: Because it’s informative and insightful?
Tom: No, not really.
Fitzmorgan: Then why do you like it?
Tom: I like it because it sounds like something Yogi Berra would say.
Fitzmorgan: I see. Anything else?
Tom: Well, I liked how he dumped everything after the Iraq surge into Obama’s lap by saying “Now the question is, in the long run, will this democracy survive? And that’s going to be the challenge for future Presidents.”
Fitzmorgan: How about his statement on the economy where he says “I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession,” what do you think of that?
Tom: To tell the truth, it sounds an awful lot like something Herbert Hoover might have said, and, as we both know, history has not been kind to Herbert Hoover.
Fitzmorgan: You think he sounded like Herbert Hoover?
Tom: I’m afraid so. Listen to this – a bit later on he says “… this problem started before my presidency, it obviously took place during my presidency.” Very Herbert Hoover-ish, no?
Fitzmorgan: Let’s agree to disagree on that point, then. Did you like anything at all about his statement on his economic legacy?
Tom: Well, I did find it amusing when he said “I readily concede I chunked aside some of my free market principles when I was told by chief economic advisors that the situation we were facing could be worse than the Great Depression.”
Fitzmorgan: What did you like about that?
Tom: I found “chunked” to be a very amusing use of Southern slang.
Fitzmorgan: You mean, when he said “chunked aside?”
Tom: Yeah. Like I said, he’s a true Texan.
Fitzmorgan: Oh, boy, it’s going to be a long day. How would you evaluate George’s closing remarks on his critics?
Tom: I like how he pointed out that most people he encountered while “moving around the country” who disagreed with him didn’t get angry and say bad things, but I think his comparing himself to Abraham Lincoln was a bit, oh, I don’t know… ridiculous, yes that’s it… “ridiculous” is the word I was looking for.
Fitzmorgan: But you must admit, he was very gracious to Obama right after that.
Tom: That’s true – it was very nice of George to wish Obama “all the very best.” But you do know, of course, that’s exactly what they say in Hollywood right before they stab you in the back. So I’m guessing George isn’t aware of that…
Fitzmorgan: Of course not! Why, I’ve lost track of the things George isn’t aware of! As a matter of fact, he’s hardly aware of anything!
Tom: Yes, and I’m aware of that, and I dare say I’m not alone, either.
Fitzmorgan: Okay, uh, here’s the next question, then. How well do you think George handled the “mistake” issue by admitting it was a bad idea to allow a banner proclaiming “Mission Accomplished” on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln in May of 2003?
Tom: I have no doubt that history will remember that as one of his big mistakes, anyway.
Fitzmorgan: Yeah, I suppose so, but do you think he made matters better by admitting that mistake?
Tom: Well, if a frat jock gets drunk and pukes all over the prom queen, does admitting it was a mistake five and a half years later in an AA meeting do anything to clean up the mess he made of the homecoming game festivities?
Fitzmorgan: I guess not. How about his remarks on lessons learned in the Hurricane Katrina disaster?
Tom: It was big of him to admit that flying over New Orleans in Air Force One and viewing with alarm probably wasn’t the best course of action. But his excuse that he didn’t land because his physical presence would have pulled police resources away from disaster relief sounded particularly cowardly. I mean really, how many police did he think it would take to keep him safe from the citizens of New Orleans? Does he have a guilty conscience or something? And what about when he told reporters this: “People said, well, the federal response was slow. Don’t tell me the federal response was slow when there was 30,000 people pulled off roofs right after the storm passed. I remember going to see those helicopter drivers, Coast Guard drivers, to thank them for their courageous efforts to rescue people off roofs. Thirty thousand people were pulled off roofs right after the storm moved through. It’s a pretty quick response.” There he is, hiding behind the courage and fortitude of rescue workers, acting as if their valor excuses his administration’s gross incompetence. Seriously, if it is possible for a President of the United States to go any lower than that, I don’t want to watch because I’m pretty sure I’d get whale spraints on my deep-sea diving shoes. And his characterization of massive misjudgments, like his complete failure to locate weapons of mass destruction in Iraq after using them as the primary reason to invade in the first place, and that horrible debacle at Abu Ghraib as “disappointments…”
Fitzmorgan: Well, they were pretty damn disappointing, you have to give him that.
Tom: Yeah, but did you notice how he conveniently overlooked the fact that he was the cause of the disappointment? And then he says… let me see here… right… he says “Anyway, I think historians will look back and they’ll be able to have a better look at mistakes after some time has passed… there is no such thing as short-term history.” Now, really, if that isn’t the most out-of-touch, self-serving, shallow remark to make about such things, I’m a monkey’s uncle. It’s like listening to Henry Kissinger trying to excuse illegal invasion of Cambodia so he can escape accusations of being a war criminal.
Fitzmorgan: Oh, come on, it’s not that bad, is it?
Tom: It’s not too good.
Fitzmorgan: What about his defense of America’s continued high moral standing in the world?
Tom: You mean where he goes on about Iraq, torture and Gitmo? Where he says “I strongly disagree with the assessment that our moral standing has been damaged. It may be damaged amongst some of the elite, but people still understand America stands for freedom, that America is a country that provides such great hope. You go to Africa, you ask Africans about America’s generosity and compassion; go to India, and ask about, you know, America’s — their view of America. Go to China and ask. Now, no question parts of Europe have said that we shouldn’t have gone to war in Iraq without a mandate, but those are a few countries.” And then when he says “I tell people, yes, you can try to be popular. In certain quarters in Europe, you can be popular by blaming every Middle Eastern problem on Israel. Or you can be popular by joining the International Criminal Court.” Or when he says “My view is, is that most people around the world, they respect America. And some of them doesn’t like me, I understand that — some of the writers and the, you know, opiners and all that. That’s fine, that’s part of the deal.” Is that what you’re asking about?
Fitzmorgan: Uh, yeah, it is.
Tom: Very well, if you must know, I think those remarks show that President George W. Bush is completely out of touch with reality and it’s high time he got his bumbling behind out of the White House!
Fitzmorgan: I’m going to take the liberty of leaving that comment out, too, Tom.
Tom: Fine with me! Go right ahead! In case anybody doubted it, I think this press conference definitely confirms that the man’s obviously been living in his own private Idaho for the last eight years!
Fitzmorgan: Private Idaho?
Tom: Never mind. What else?
Fitzmorgan: How about George’s comments on his team?
Tom: You mean the parts where he calls that cabal of scheming reprobates who dragged us into a war we can’t win and wrecked our national economy an academy of geniuses?
Fitzmorgan: Uh, yes.
Tom: I’d say it’s typical George W. Bush.
Fitzmorgan: Oh, you’re on that “typical Texan” thing again?
Tom: No, I’m not going to insult Texans by comparing their judgement of character to that of George W. Bush. Even a Texan knows one end of the horse from the other.
Fitzmorgan: Okay, so, let’s see here – do you agree with George’s statement that he was a uniter, not a divider; and, do you think history will remember him as a uniter, not a divider?
Tom: I think history will remember him as a moronic, sad-sack, numbskull, doddering, nattering buffoon.
Fitzmorgan: Okay, right. Mind if I leave that out, too?
Tom: No problem. Anything else?
Fitzmorgan: Just his one last item – how would you phrase your personal goodbye to President George W. Bush?
Tom: “On your way out, don’t let the front door hit you where the Good Lord split you.”
Fitzmorgan: Is that some more of that Dixie business?
Tom: Y’all sho’ ‘nuff got that right.
Fitzmorgan: Very good, then. That concludes the interview. Thanks for participating in the Official White House President’s Last Press Conference Survey. Oh, and Tom – one more thing.
Tom: What?
Fitzmorgan: I’m… going to need a new job soon, and the search isn’t… you know… going too well, and…
Tom: And what?
Fitzmorgan: Can I use you as a reference?
Tom: Sure.
Fitzmorgan: Gee, that’s great, Tom. Thanks a million!
Tom: You’re welcome.
Fitzmorgan: Well, got to get back to calling people for this survey.
Tom: Good luck.
Fitzmorgan: Thanks for that, too.
Tom: Something makes me think you’re going to need it.
Fitzmorgan: You’re telling me! I’m getting to be very afraid that I’m going to have to report that Washington thinks history will remember George W. Bush as the worst President ever!
Tom: Fortunately for him, thanks to Franklin Pierce, that can never happen. Second worst, maybe, but worst ever – no way. And Pierce was a Democrat, too.
Fitzmorgan: That’s comforting to hear.
Tom: But, on the other hand, Pierce left office in 1857.
Fitzmorgan: Oh.
Tom: So history could still find that George W. Bush was the worst President of the last 100 years, or, who knows, maybe the worst President of the 21st century.
Fitzmorgan: No kidding, Tom, and don’t I know it? Whoa Nellie, it’s been rough today with this survey thing – damn rough.
Tom: In that case, you know what? I’d say just knock off right now and make some stuff up – you know, fabricate some comments you think George would like to hear.
Fitzmorgan: Are you suggesting that I should… lie to him?
Tom: Hell, why not? We both know he’s way too dumb to tell the difference.
Fitzmorgan: Yeah, that’s true, he is. Maybe I will do that. See you around, then. Take care.
Tom: You bet. ‘Bye.