What with Monday and Tuesday wiped off my calendar by the Inauguration, I’ve been working late all week. It was after six when I completed my final consultation. Then the phone rang. It was Timothy Geithner.
Tom: Good evening, Mr. Secretary-designate. This is Tom Collins. How may I help you?
Geithner: Please, call me Tim.
Tom: Okay, Tim, what’s up?
Geithner: Well, I’ve just arrived here in Washington to assume my rightful place in the Obama Administration, and I’ve been asking around in all the best circles, and your name keeps coming up, so I thought I’d call and get your take on the current situation.
Tom: You mean, your impeding confirmation as Secretary of the Treasury by the United States Senate?
Geithner: Yeah, that.
Tom: What about it? The scuttlebutt is, you’re going to be confirmed. So, if I may offer my somewhat premature congratulations…
Geithner: Sure, sure, thanks for that, but the truth is, the whole process has left a bad taste in my mouth.
Tom: Oh, you mean having to answer all those nasty questions the Republican members of the Senate Finance Committee asked you?
Geithner: Yeah. I mean, really, who do those people think they are, anyway?
Tom: I suspect they think they’re members of the Senate Finance Committee.
Geithner: Uh, yeah, well, I guess they’re entitled to believe that if they want to…
Tom: … And they do have a right, some would say a responsibility, even, to aggressively interview potential appointees to high financial offices in the Executive Branch.
Geithner: All right, maybe they do, but do they have to be so mean about it? All that stuff they said when they asked me those questions – it damaged my feelings of self-esteem.
Tom: Like when they grilled you about not paying your taxes?
Geithner: Oh, yeah, that, for sure. It was totally unfair! For Christ’s sake, Tom, how was I supposed to know there was a bug in TurboTax?
Tom: You prepared your own tax return?
Geithner: Yeah, sure.
Tom: And you used TurboTax?
Geithner: Uh-huh.
Tom: Well, first of all, then, Tim, I would observe that we have a saying here inside the Beltway – “He who is his own Certified Public Accountant has a fool for a client.”
Geithner: I don’t get it. What’s that supposed to mean?
Tom: It means, never do your own taxes.
Geithner: But I was Director of the International Monetary Fund Policy Development and Review Department! I’ve served as a Senior Fellow in the International Economics Department at the Council on Foreign Relations! What’s more, Robert Rubin said he figures I give great head… uh, I mean, he said I have a great head for figures. If I can’t do my taxes by myself without making mistakes that add up to over thirty-four thousand dollars, then who can?
Tom: Nobody. That’s the point. I hope you’ve learned your lesson about taxes, Tim. Always have a CPA prepare your return for you. You’ll find that, in the long run, the fees you pay your CPA will prove to be very prudent investment.
Geithner: Okay, I called you for advice, and you gave me some, so I suppose I should be thankful. But damn it, Tom, it was just an oversight, a piddling little trifle…
Tom: Seems to me I heard the committee released a list of your tax errors that ran thirty pages long.
Geithner: Those pages were double spaced, twelve-point, eight-pitch Courier type with one and three quarter inch left and right margins; and one and one half inch top and bottom margins, Tom! And anyhow, Harry Reid himself said what I did was “just a few little hiccups.” But here are those guys on the committee, going on and on about my taxes. It’s just so unfair!
Tom: You must realize, Tim, that a case could be made that you’ve been treated much better than fairly. After all, most people who get caught holding out on the IRS for thirty-four grand for five or six years have to pay a stiff penalty, but you didn’t.
Geithner: Well, of course I didn’t! Most people didn’t go to Dartmouth and Johns Hopkins! Most people’s grandfathers weren’t vice presidents at General Motors! Most people don’t speak Chinese and Japanese, too! Most people didn’t work on Indonesian micro-finance projects with Barack Obama’s mother! Most people didn’t change Henry Kissinger’s diapers for three years! Most people weren’t ever President of the New York Federal Reserve Bank, either! Come to think of it, I’m so damn special, I don’t see why I should have to pay any taxes at all!
Tom: Gee, Tim, are you sure you really wouldn’t rather be a Republican?
Geithner: Not at the moment. Ask me again in four years. And then there were those snide remarks about my housekeeper…
Tom: Oh, you mean the one whose immigrant worker status expired while she was in your employ?
Geithner: Yeah, that’s right – everybody’s heard about that, but how many people know she worked for me less than three months after her status expired?
Tom: That’s significant. You should definitely point that out if anybody criticizes you about the issue in the future.
Geithner: You bet I will! You know how long I had been looking for her replacement? Jesus, Tom, good help is really hard to find these days!
Tom: So the only reason you kept her on after July 15, 2005, when her work authorization expired, was that you couldn’t get someone else?
Geithner: Hell, yeah! What was I supposed to do, clean the house myself?
Tom: Oh, Heaven forfend, Tim, that you would ever have to touch a mop, broom or vacuum cleaner yourself just in order to obey some silly immigration law.
Geithner: Exactly what I say! Besides, she eventually got a green card, anyway, so what’s the big deal?
Tom: Another very good point. Besides, it’s not like you got caught secretly keeping smuggled South Asian domestic servants in conditions of virtual slavery or anything, is it?
Geithner: Oh, my God! Who told you?
Tom: About what?
Geithner: Uh… never mind.
Tom: Right. It’s all water under the bridge, fortunately. Under other circumstances…
Geithner: Like what?
Tom: Well, I was just saying that, normally, thirty pages of tax… um… mistakes and violating the immigrant employment laws would be enough to sink a Cabinet nomination. As I’m sure you’re aware, problems much less significant than yours have sent many a potential presidential appointee packing. But everybody’s so incredibly scared about the economy these days, it’s obvious that the Senate doesn’t want to risk any delays in filling that top post at Treasury. You know how that old saying goes, “It is an ill wind indeed that blows no good for anyone.”
Geithner: What?
Tom: That is to say, while it’s bad for nearly everyone that the Bush Administration and Wall Street put the world economy in the toilet and flushed, it turned out to be good for you, because, as a consequence of it, you are going to get to be Secretary of the Treasury despite the fact that you illegally employed an immigrant and committed numerous errors in your favor while preparing your own tax returns. So, there you have it – what a lucky guy that Tim Geithner turned out to be!
Geithner: Oh. Yeah. Guess I am, after all.
Tom: Sure you are. And while we’re on the subject of your inevitable appointment as Secretary of the Treasury, might I inquire as to what you intend to do about this horrible mess the economy is in?
Geithner: Glad you mentioned that, because I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit lately.
Tom: And what have you thought?
Geithner: That, as I told the committee, fundamental reform is the only viable course.
Tom: And what does “fundamental reform” comprise?
Geithner: It… ah… I… um… essentially, it means we’re going to have to throw more money at the problem.
Tom: Oh really? How interesting. What a truly deep, insightful approach that is.
Geithner: You like it?
Tom: Well, let’s just say that it’s the kind of approach to fundamental reform one would expect to issue, fully formed, like Athena borne by the brow of Zeus, from the top-level minds of the American national government, regardless of their party, philosophy or political ideology.
Geithner: Wow. Gee, thanks.
Tom: You’re welcome. And you’ll be throwing all that money where?
Geithner: Uh, well, I’ve got lots of buddies in the banking and insurance business, and they tell me they sure could use some more of that old dough-re-me.
Tom: Naturally.
Geithner: And the auto companies, of course; and the telecomm companies – they all say they need money. And I was thinking we could bail out Hollywood, General Electric, Microsoft, thoroughbred horse racing, major metropolitan newspapers and the big pharmaceutical firms, too.
Tom: Golly, I didn’t even know they’d asked for help.
Geithner: They haven’t, but as long as we’re giving money away, why not?
Tom: A very persuasive line of reasoning, to be sure. How about infrastructure?
Geithner: What’s that?
Tom: Ah, you know – bridges, roads, port facilities, air terminals, railways, stuff along those lines.
Geithner: Why? Is there something wrong with them?
Tom: Sort of, I suppose. A lot of it’s crumbling or on its way to collapse; and if we spent a few hundred billion on fixing it up, we’d have something tangible afterward, something that could very well last until the next depression.
Geithner: I don’t know, Tom, that sounds pretty radical. Spending money on fixing bridges and roads… it’s not very sexy, is it?
Tom: No, I guess not.
Geithner: And who would it benefit, anyway? Would it please a lot of rich, powerful people who could be nice to me later?
Tom: It would please the ordinary citizens.
Geithner: See? That’s what I mean. Are any of these “ordinary citizens” you’re talking about going to invite me to their yachts in the Hamptons?
Tom: No, probably not.
Geithner: Are they going to offer me prestigious future employment at suitably huge rates of compensation?
Tom: I don’t think they could afford you.
Geithner: Can they extend me exclusive opportunities for high-yield investments?
Tom: I doubt it.
Geithner: So what good are they?
Tom: A very perspicacious analysis, Tim. I guess someone such as yourself has to think of these things when making decisions about where to disburse hundreds of billions of dollars supplied, for the most part, by ordinary citizens, who, as you so adroitly pointed out just now, aren’t smart enough to realize how utterly unimportant they are, particularly when compared to a person like you.
Geithner: Absolutely. Being Secretary of the Treasury is going to be a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.
Tom: And, what’s more, I’ve heard it repeated around this town for weeks – you’re the only person in the solar system who truly understands the Troubled Asset Relief Program.
Geithner: Ah, keep it under your hat, Tom, but actually, the closest intelligent life form that understands TARP lives on a planet circling a red dwarf star on the far side of the Greater Magellanic Cloud.
Tom: I see. But you do have a plan to handle those financial enterprises that got all those TARP billions, don’t you?
Geithner: Of course I do! I’d have to be a total moron not to have a plan for those TARP companies!
Tom: And what is it?
Geithner: Ah, uh, it’s like this, see – they’re going to have to make their lending patterns public on a quarterly basis, and, um, limit their dividend payments.
Tom: Limit their dividend payments?
Geithner: Right.
Tom: By how much?
Geithner: Like a whole big bunch, you can bet on that, yes sirree, Bob!
Tom: You mean, like, cut their dividends ninety percent?
Geithner: Ninety percent?
Tom: Fifty percent?
Geithner: Fifty percent?
Tom: Twenty-five percent?
Geithner: Look, this business with the numbers, the decimals, the percents – it’s giving me terrible heartburn, just like when I do my taxes. Can we please change the subject?
Tom: Okay. You’re going to have them cut back on their dividends to an as-yet undetermined degree. Nice work. How about converting all that preferred stock the Bush Administration bought in those financial institutions into common stock, so the Obama Administration can have voting representatives on those corporations’ boards?
Geithner: I’m afraid that’s not possible.
Tom: Because it would amount to socialism?
Geithner: No, because if we did that, I’d be banned from every decent country club in America!
Tom: Then how about requiring them to limit their executive salaries and bonuses?
Geithner: What, are you out of your cotton-picking mind?
Tom: Just kidding.
Geithner: Christ Almighty, I certainly hope so! Forget me – none of my friends or their wives would ever even speak to my wife again! And their kids would get my kids passed out drunk, shave off their eyebrows, write obscene stuff on their foreheads with indelible markers, Super Glue their faces to the carpet and give them atomic wedgies! How could anyone possibly expect me, much less my family, to make that sort of sacrifice?
Tom: Well, as long as you’re going to do something about all those lax financial regulations, I’m sure that will make everyone happy, no matter where they live and whether or not they matter a gnat’s toot in a hurricane, too.
Geithner: Oh, yeah, for sure, Tom, we’re going to get really, really serious with those guys on Wall Street. I guarantee, Tom, that we’re going to reinstate a whole boatload of regulations and when we catch somebody violating them, then by golly, we’re gonna make them stand in the corner for hours!
Tom: That’s very comforting to know, Tim. Thanks.
Geithner: You’re welcome. And so is everybody else – they’re all welcome, for having someone like me as US Treasury Secretary.
Tom: I’m sure they will be highly grateful to you, Tim.
Geithner: They better be! Anyhow – bottom line, what’s your take on me becoming the new Secretary of the Treasury?
Tom: I think it’s a God-send.
Geithner: All right! That’s certainly music to my ears, Tom! Is that because I’m so erudite, imaginative, creative, innovative and brilliant?
Tom: Actually, it’s mostly because you’re not Henry Paulson.
Geithner: Oh. Well, that’s right – I’m not.
Tom: You are so not Henry Paulson.
Geithner: So very much not Henry Paulson.
Tom: And that’s like a breath of fresh air to Americans everywhere, Tim, it really is.
Geithner: Fantastic! I feel so much better, now that I’ve had a chance to talk to an objective person like you!
Tom: Think nothing of it, Tim. The pleasure was all mine.
Geithner: Excellent. Talk to you later, then.
Tom: Sure, you bet, Tim. Take care.
Geithner: ‘Bye.