This afternoon around two, I was concluding a consultation with the international trade attaché from the Embassy of Ghana. As we wound things up, just by way of being polite, I asked how things went during President Obama’s recent visit to Ghana’s capital, Accra.
“For the most part,” my guest assured me, “everything went splendidly. President Obama addressed the Ghanaian people, and said many interesting things. When he told the people ‘I do not see the countries and peoples of Africa as a world apart; I see Africa as a fundamental part of our interconnected world – as partners with America on behalf of the future that we want for all our children,’ the assembled throng all cried out ‘Gazunga! Gazunga!’ Then, when he said, ‘As Africans reach for this promise of the future, America will be more responsible in extending our hand. By cutting costs that go to Western consultants and administration, we will put more resources in the hands of those who need it, while training people to do more for themselves,’ again Ghanaians called out ‘Gazunga, Obama! Obama, Gazunga!’ And when he told them, ‘Development depends upon good governance. That is the ingredient which has been missing in far too many places, for far too long. That is the change that can unlock Africa’s potential. And that is a responsibility that can only be met by Africans,’ once more, they raised their voices in unison, shouting ‘Gazunga! Gazunga! Gazunga!’ with all their might, until their voices echoed throughout Accra, their throats grew hoarse and they could shout ‘Gazunga!’ no more.”
“How truly inspiring,” I opined. “He also took an extensive tour of Accra, did he not?”
“Oh, yes,” my guest nodded with a broad smile. “My cousin, he is the Minister of Diplomatic Protocol, and that tour was a very major project for him. Why, he even had his staff research President Obama’s shoe size and style preferences, then had them purchase six sets of replacements for him, each to match a different color of his suits.”
“Six sets of replacement shoes for President Obama?” I asked, as mystified as anyone would be by such a remark.
“Indeed,” the genial attaché affirmed, “and my cousin had three of his staff following Mr. Obama around during his tour of the city, just in case.”
“In case of what?” I inquired, admittedly consumed by curiosity.
“Well,” my guest averred with a slightly sheepish tone, “the Ghanaian government was very concerned that we not appear to be a backward country, as I’m sure you can understand.”
“Of course,” I agreed, “image is everything.”
“Therefore,” he continued, “we obviously could not allow for any news photographers to take embarrassing pictures or journalists to report embarrassing things.”
“No,” I concurred, “of course you couldn’t.”
“So,” he confessed, “I don’t know if you are aware of this, but there are many, many feral dogs in Accra, and we wanted to be absolutely sure your president had suitable replacement shoes, in case he were to step in a pile of their gazunga.”
“Good diplomacy,” I noted, “is its own reward.” Just then, Gretchen buzzed me. Sensing that I needed to move on to other matters, he rose and cordially shook my hand while I spoke with her on the extension.
“I’ve got Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on Line One,” she gushed, breathless. “Damn! I love this job!”
“Me, too,” I let her know, just a bit dryly. “I’m available. Put him on.”
Schwarzenegger: Mr. Collins?
Tom: Yes, Governor; Tom Collins at your service. How can I help you this afternoon?”
Schwarzenegger: It’s still morning in California – quarter past eleven, just about.
Tom: This morning, then.
Schwarzenegger: Well, I’ve been told you’re the smartest man inside the Beltway.
Tom: Which is like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Schwarzenegger: Baltimore? In Maryland, right?
Tom: Uh-huh.
Schwarzenegger: You know how to make Maryland steamed crabs?
Tom: How’s that?
Schwarzenegger: Run ten miles in tight rubber jockey shorts!
Tom: Good one, Governor.
Schwarzenegger: Ja, ja, that’s a locker room joke from when I was a champion body builder!
Tom: Ah, those were the days, I’m sure.
Schwarzenegger: You bet your swinging kügelsack they were! Not like now. My life totally [expletive] these days, you know.
Tom: But you’re governor of a state that, were it an independent nation, would be the eighth biggest economy in the world.
Schwarzenegger: Ja, and it would be the world’s number one biggest collection of idiots!
Tom: So you’re not happy being governor of California anymore?
Schwarzenegger: Well, sure, it was fun when the economy was going good, but now, this job is hell! The whole state is totally broke!
Tom: You’re broke? The state of California’s broke? How broke are you?
Schwarzenegger: We’re so broke, when we have to take a crap, we gotta borrow a quarter from Nevada!
Tom: Oh, no, really, Governor, how broke are you?
Schwarzenegger: We’re so broke, we can’t afford to pay attention!
Tom: Come now, how broke?
Schwarzenegger: We Californians are so broke, next Christmas, we’re all making tamales so our kids will have something to unwrap!
Tom: Now seriously – how broke?
Schwarzenegger: So broke, we have to eat beans to get gas for the fire!
Tom: Cut me some slack, Governator! How broke?
Schwarzenegger: So broke, in San Diego they’re leaving their doors open at night, hoping they can mug some Mexican rapists when they break in!
Tom: Come on, now, Mr. Universe, how broke?
Schwarzenegger: So broke, our food stamps are bouncing!
Tom: Pshaw! Lay down the real skinny, gov – how broke?
Schwarzenegger: So broke, we’re buying government cheese on layaway!
Tom: You call that broke? How stony broke are you Californians?
Schwarzenegger: So broke, our gangstas are doing their drive-by shootings from the bus!
Tom: How broke was that?
Schwarzenegger: So broke, we can’t put our two cents in a conversation!
Tom: Get down on it, please! How broke is California?
Schwarzenegger: So broke, the state government is paying its bills with IOU’s!
Tom: Now that’s broke!
Schwarzenegger: Tell me about it!
Tom: Okay, so how come California’s broke?
Schwarzenegger: Because Californians are a bunch of babies! They want to have their cake and eat it, too! And the politicians out here fixed it so they can do that, what with these [expletive] referendums! They want services, they want benefits, they want subsidies for you name it! But are they willing to pay for it? No! So what happens? We end up with a tax structure where one percent of the population pays fifty percent of the taxes – and that’s mostly through capital gains, too! Oh, yeah, everything’s fine when the economy is growing like crazy, but what do you think happens when it goes down the [expletive] toilet like it did last September? Now we haven’t got a pot to [expletive] in, God damn it, I swear, this is worse than Austria was after the First World War!
Tom: You’re not that old, Governor.
Schwarzenegger: Yeah, but my father told me about it, and it was pretty bad. Those Democrat girly-men in the California State Assembly and Senate, they haven’t got the guts to make the tough decisions! Sitting out there in Sacramento… have you ever been to Sacramento, Collins?
Tom: No, fortunately, I’ve managed to avoid that so far.
Schwarzenegger: Well, good for you, because Sacramento is nothing but a raggedy-[expletive] farm town full of stupid, inbred, drunken Okies, thieving, shiftless schwartzers and lazy, good-for-nothing pepper-bellies!
Tom: Gee whiz, Governor, with the exception of San Francisco, Marin County, Silicon Valley, Hollywood, Carmel, Monterey, Beverly Hills and Malibu, it sounds like you just described every town and city in California southeast of Mendocino.
Schwarzenegger: Now that you mention it, I guess I did.
Tom: At least the capital of California isn’t Bakersfield.
Schwarzenegger: Or San Bernardino!
Tom: Or San Luis Obispo!
Schwarzenegger: Ja, well, Grüß Gott für kleine Bevorzugungen, as meine Großmutter used to say. What a pathetic weed patch that is, San Luis Obispo. Anyway, the whole state’s a pathetic weed patch now. And you know what really sucks?
Tom: What?
Schwarzenegger: California’s the place all the losers went during the last Depression. Where the hell are they going to go now?
Tom: A very good question, Governor.
Schwarzenegger: Yeah, and I’ve got another one for you – given the situation, what do you think – should I resign?
Tom: No.
Schwarzenegger: Really?
Tom: Absolutely.
Schwarzenegger: Why?
Tom: Because, as many wise men have pointed out many times before, the state of California is ungovernable.
Schwarzenegger: And so?
Tom: And so, whenever there’s an American political entity, such as California, which is obviously ungovernable, there’s only one kind of person who can lead it – a Republican actor.
Schwarzenegger: You’re sure?
Tom: Of course. Why do you think Ronald Reagan got elected governor of California – twice?