It was a long day at the office, and even though I run it, and only have one employee, working there can still be pretty rough. So it was with a certain degree of relief that I came home to find nobody but my cat, Twinkle, around. After a few minutes with Jean-Pierre Rampal, Mozart and some Glenfiddich on the rocks, with Twinkle purring in my lap, I had, I believed, escaped from further Monday travail. Then I got a call, as my caller ID readily revealed, from Dick Cheney. “Hello, Vice President Cheney,” I answered. “You never opened that envelope I gave you in the parking garage under my building last July, I trust?”
“Phone bad,” Twinkle hissed, then jumped off my lap and scampered up the staircase to pout. “Cheney worse,” she offered as a Parthian shot, her head poking out between the banister posts on the second floor landing like a tiny gargolye, waiting just a moment for effect before disappearing into the darkness.
Cheney: That envelope? Humph. Actually, I think I lost it.
Tom: Just as well, I suppose. To what do I owe the honor of this telephone call?
Cheney: I tell you, Collins, today was the last [expletive] straw! When that draft-dodging peacenik [expletive] John Kerry…
Tom: Um, Mr. Vice President…
Cheney: Don’t call me that! I’m not Vice President any more!
Tom: Sure, all right, no problem, Dick…
Cheney: And don’t call me “Dick,” either! I’m not in the mood for it!
Tom: Sorry, Mr. Cheney. As I was saying, Senator Kerry may or may not be a peacenik, but he’s certainly no draft dodger. The man’s a decorated Vietnam war veteran.
Cheney: I meant that… ah, [expletive]… what do you call it… metaphorically.
Tom: I understand, Mr. Cheney. I’ve read what Senator Kerry said about you today, and…
Cheney: There’s no [expletive] excuse for it, God damn it!
Tom: Well, you know, sir, some people might think Senator Kerry has a point…
Cheney: Sure he does, but all that [expletive] hair hides it!
Tom: I think his major thrust was that your criticisms of the Obama Administration are consistent with a high degree of cognitive dissonance, that’s all.
Cheney: Okay, maybe I got a little hot under the collar when he implied that I’m, well, you know…
Tom: An incompetent hypocrite?
Cheney: Yeah, that! I mean, I don’t mind the hypocrite thing. After all, one man’s hypocrite is another man’s brilliant pragmatist, and those [expletive] Democrats know damn well we Republicans don’t exactly have a monopoly on it, either. But – incompetent? Where does he get off implying that I’m incompetent? It’s completely uncalled for! Plus, it’s obviously false, too, because I ran the entire United States of America out of my back pocket for eight years, didn’t I?
Tom: No doubt about that, sir.
Cheney: Right! And I did it pretty damn well, too, didn’t I?
Tom: In some respects, I guess, yes, you did.
Cheney: In all the right respects! Like defending America and American values all over the globe, for instance, which is precisely what Obama’s screwing up at royally at the moment, isn’t it?
Tom: I’m sure some people would agree with you, sir.
Cheney: I’m sure a lot of people do!
Tom: No doubt.
Cheney: And that [expletive] Carl Levin yesterday! Saying that my comments about United States foreign policy are “out of bounds!”
Tom: That definitely was a poor choice of words on Senator Levin’s part. But you did say that the Obama Administration is “dithering” on foreign policy.
Cheney: Hey, look, “dithering” is one thing, and “out of bounds” is another – altogether another thing, absolutely! And then when that [expletive] eating [expletive] Bob Gibbs spouted that [expletive] about how I didn’t take responsibility for our troops when I was in office! Can you fathom the unmitigated gall that man has?
Tom: I can’t say, sir.
Cheney: Well, I can, that’s for sure! I presided over the Senate for a while, you know, and let me tell you something, I know dithering indecision when I see it – the Democrats are masters at it, I tell you, true masters of the art!
Tom: Well, a lot of folks just think that the President is taking some time to think…
Cheney: “Think!” That’s it, right there – politics isn’t about thinking! It’s about feeling! It’s about knowing you’re right, down in your guts, before you even decide! It’s…
Tom: With all due respect, sir, shooting from the hip first and not even bothering to ask questions later is conservative Republican political style. You can’t expect a crowd like the Obama Administration to behave like that, now can you?
Cheney: But expecting everybody else to behave like you is what being a conservative is all about!
Tom: Oh, right, I forgot, I guess.
Cheney: What I told the Center for Security Policy was, “The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger. It’s time for President Obama to do what it takes to win a war he has repeatedly and rightly called a war of necessity. Make no mistake. Signals of indecision out of Washington hurt our allies and embolden our adversaries.”
Tom: And your words are history now, sir.
Cheney: You bet your [expletive] they are! And what does that [expletive] Joe Biden say? “Who cares?” Yeah, that’s what he said, who cares what Dick Cheney thinks, anyway? Well, who the [expletive] cares what [expletive] Joe Biden thinks, and he’s the current Vice President! And let that [expletive] Pelosi call me undignified if she wants, at least I’m not a retarded [expletive] like Joe Biden – or her, for that matter, running around in a pant suit trying to do a man’s job! And that pipsqueak, Alan Grayson, last Friday! Talk about undignified! That mangy [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] called me a [expletive] vampire!
Tom: Well, as you said not too long ago concerning some of your own recent remarks, I’m sure he was just being metaphorical.
Cheney: No, that’s not what I meant! What I meant was, how the [expletive] did that [expletive] find out that I drink human blood?
Tom: Oh. Golly, Mr. Cheney, I have no idea. See here, sir, I can appreciate how frustrating and depressing it must be, to go from being the power and brains behind the United States presidency to… ah, exactly what is it you’re doing these days, by the way?
Cheney: Uh, I, um, I’ve been… writing my memoirs.
Tom: I see. And how’s that going?
Cheney: Kind of slow. I think maybe I have writer’s block.
Tom: Too bad it didn’t spread to your mouth.
Cheney: What?
Tom: I said, “I bet it will be a big seller in the South.”
Cheney: Oh, yeah, sure, no doubt about that. If I can ever finish it, that is.
Tom: I hope you won’t consider it presumptuous of me to ask, sir, but, since leaving public office, have you given any thought, ah, other pursuits?
Cheney: I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Collins.
Tom: Well, sir, consider, if you will, what Al Gore did after he left the vice presidency. Sure, he spent a few months in quiet reflection, maybe he even took a shot at writing his memoirs, but, after a while, he snapped out of it. And do you know why?
Cheney: No. Tell me.
Tom: Because he found something else to do – something important, something big, something momentous – in nutshell, sir, he found global warming. And when he threw himself into that, it was only a few short years before he was his old self again, perhaps even better. Eventually his work won the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize, and today, he’s a celebrity. He hangs out with Hollywood actors and rock stars like Bono, gives high-priced lectures and commencement speeches; he’s respected all over the world and, what’s more, his name is a household word with very, very positive connotations. I suspect that, if Al Gore could do something like that, you could, too.
Cheney: You think so?
Tom: Of course! All you need to do is take up suitable cause.
Cheney: Okay, what would you recommend?
Tom: Ah… how about… intelligent design? That’s right up your alley, philosophically speaking, and it’s a very hot topic.
Cheney: Intelligent design? What is it, some kind of computer-aided fashion trend?
Tom: Oh, no, nothing like that. It’s the counterpoint to how contemporary, mainstream scientists all act like Charles Darwin is Jesus Christ or something, and the proponents of intelligent design show those fancy-pants ivory-tower eggheads up for what they are.
Cheney: So – it’s some kind of religious thing?
Tom: Not exactly. Intelligent design is application of the scientific method without all that confusing science. Unlike what biologists do, with those tenuous hypotheses and messy experiments and so forth, with intelligent design, you start out with a conclusion and then go around looking for evidence that backs it up – you know, just like the Bush Administration did with Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. It’s all quite ingenious, really, just the sort of thing a mind like yours would find fascinating.
Cheney: Nah, I’ll pass. I’m basically an agnostic and what’s more I don’t give a [expletive] where all this [expletive] came from, anyway.
Tom: Okay, sure, that’s understandable. Let’s keep it simple then. How about guns?
Cheney: Guns?
Tom: Yeah, since Charlton Heston went to that big skeet shoot in the sky back in 2008, the National Rifle Association hasn’t had a gun-loving, Second Amendment espousing, pioneer spirit spreading, self-defense defending spokesman that could hit the bull’s eye anywhere near as good as him. I bet you could do that.
Cheney: Um… well… to tell the truth, ever since I shot old Harry Whittington in the face on that quail hunt, I’ve been… kind of gun shy, really.
Tom: You mean, you’re afraid that you might accidentally shoot someone else?
Cheney: No, I’m scared I might accidentally shoot myself.
Tom: Oh. Okay, moving right along then, how about you become an advocate for the right to life?
Cheney: Collins, as I’m sure you are aware, I have always favored the death penalty, and I’m not changing my…
Tom: No, no, sir, that’s not what I’m referring to. I mean, you could became a leader in the fight to save the fetuses.
Cheney: Fetuses?
Tom: Given your personality, it might be just the ticket. It would, for example, involve forcing a lot of women to have babies.
Cheney: Hmmm… I must admit, that does sound intriguing, but my daughter barely speaks to me now as it is, and… no, I’m pretty sure she’d never give me another Father’s Day present again.
Tom: No problem, I get it – familial constraints on that one. Okay, then, how about you become a high-profile advocate in the fight against our constantly diminishing privacy? Hardly a day goes by that we don’t hear about another outrage against our private lives, what with all the droves of unscrupulous people prying into what we read, what we eat, where we go, who our friends are, what we believe, and on, and on, putting it all into huge computer databases and selling it like so much sausage…
Cheney: Collins, I hate to tell you this, but not only do I fail to find anything wrong with what you’re bellyaching about, most of it actually sounds like a good idea to me.
Tom: How about states’ rights, then? You could spearhead the movement to return all rights not specifically delegated to Congress in the Constitution back to the states. In places like Texas, Virginia, Alabama, why, even South Dakota, they’d all flock to see you, and…
Cheney: States’ rights doesn’t mean what it used to, though. These days, it means it’s fine and dandy to sell pot in California and shoot blue movies in New York.
Tom: True, there is that aspect of the issue. States’ rights can be a double-edged sword. Oh! I know! The economy! That’s it! Why don’t you concentrate your efforts on fixing the economy? It’s a huge mess now, even worse than the environment, even. There would be no lack of innovative things to do, that’s for sure.
Cheney: But economics is complicated, Collins, and I don’t really know anything much about it.
Tom: I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you, sir. Since Wall Street went down the tubes, there are plenty of world-class supply-side, neo-conservative economists wandering around in a daze, just waiting, hoping, praying, even, for someone to come along and lead them, like Moses, out of the wilderness.
Cheney: So, I could get them to follow me?
Tom: You’ve got the all the charisma necessary to lead economists, I think.
Cheney: And I would be going on tour, giving PowerPoint presentations about free markets, personal responsibility, that kind of thing?
Tom: Yes, yes, definitely, all that, and more. You could extoll the fundamental virtues of debt-backed bundled derivative instruments, scoff at the evil regulators in Washington, recommend a return to the gold standard, praise how the Invisible Hand of Adam Smith creates jobs…
Cheney: Invisible hand jobs?
Tom: Maybe I’m getting ahead of the curve here…
Cheney: Look, I’m not dumb about money or anything. So tell me, are we talking about letting people starve in the street if they won’t work for less than minimum wage?
Tom: Oh yes, no doubt about it.
Cheney: Giving what’s left of America’s wealth to the top richest one percent of the population?
Tom: Indubitably.
Cheney: Cutting taxes on income, cutting taxes on capital gains, cutting taxes on corporations, and raising taxes on things like food sales, gasoline, heating oil and medicine to make up the difference so the Pentagon can still have billions for companies like my good friends at Halliburton Industries?
Tom: Uh-huh.
Cheney: Making it easier for them to ship jobs overseas, employ cheap immigrant labor, bust unions and circumvent anti-trust laws?
Tom: You sound like a real natural for this one, sir!
Cheney: Yeah, it does sound like it would be fun. I’ll take it under advisement. But I’ll have to run it by the boss for approval first, of course.
Tom: Boss? Who in the world are you talking about?
Cheney: Why, Lynne, of course. I’ll tell her about it, and if she thinks it’s something I should do, then I’ll get back to you.
Tom: And what if she vetoes the proposal?
Cheney: [Expletive], I don’t know, you’re the [expletive] genius, Collins, you tell me.
Tom: Well, you could always, you know, put a cork in it.
Cheney: And abandon my principals?
Tom:Gee whiz, Dick, I guess not. I suppose you’re always going to be an angry white cowboy from Wyoming who’s less evolved than Alley Oop.
Cheney: You bet your [expletive], Tom Collins, and that’s the way I like it! Goodbye!
In closing, I wish to take this opportunity to apologize to Troglodyte Americans, for comparing them (or at least a popular mid-twentieth century cartoon character based on them) to Dick Cheney. Please accept my most heartfelt regrets for having spoken in such haste. It’s simply that, like Alan Grayson, who called him a vampire, adequate words to describe Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney simply don’t exist in the English language. Truly, when God made Dick Cheney, He broke the mould, and for that, each and every one of us should be eternally grateful to the Almighty.