I stopped by the Round Robin Bar after work today, and was enjoying a nice raspberry Stoli and Kahlua white Russian when Gretchen buzzed me on my Blackberry. She was working late at the office, putting in some overtime preparing my business income tax information for the CPA. April fifteenth isn’t getting any farther away, after all. But clarification of expenses or the like was hardly the subject of her call.
Gretchen: I’ve got to give you credit, Mr. Collins – for a guy who’s pushing the Big Four-Oh, you’re pretty cool.
Tom: How’s that?
Gretchen: I’ve got Carson Daly, the host of NBC’s late, late, late-night show, Last Call, on Line One. It’s only two-thirty in the afternoon out in Hollywood, and he says he really, really needs to talk to you, right now.
Tom: Okay, why not? Put him through.
Gretchen: Mr. Daly, I’m connecting you with Mr. Collins.
Carson: Thank you. Mr. Collins?
Tom: Yes, Mr. Daly, how are you?
Carson: Well, to tell the truth, I’m not all that good.
Tom: I see. And why, pray tell, is that?
Carson: Oh, I suppose you must have heard about how NBC spent all last week trying to decide what to do about Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien.
Tom: Sure; everybody’s heard about that.
Carson: So you’ve heard about how NBC was going to put Jay Leno back on at 11:30?
Tom: Right, I heard about it.
Carson: And then follow Jay up with Conan at 12:05 a.m.
Tom: Sure – thus, by actually running it tomorrow, turning The “Tonight” Show into the biggest oxymoron since “compassionate conservatism.”
Carson: Correct; to be followed, at 1:05 a.m., by Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.
Tom: Uh-huh, check that. I know.
Carson: Which would end at five minutes past two o’clock in the morning.
Tom: I’m generally asleep by then. This is Washington, DC, you know.
Carson: Tell me about it! Hosting a show that airs at 1:35 a.m. is bad enough – even college students start nodding out by that time of night! But it got even worse – much worse! Last week, after all this [expletive] with Leno, O’Brien and Fallon, NBC told me they weren’t going to move Poker After Dark – that it was still going to air at 2:05 a.m.!
Tom: Which would have meant…
Carson: That I would have been totally screwed, that’s what! So then what happens? Instead, the NBC executives turn around like a pack of rabid hyenas and fall on Conan, tearing him to bloody shreds! Now he’s denouncing them in Spanish – because his contract says he can’t do that in English!
Tom: Yeah, I heard he called them a bunch of goats who eat money and crap trouble.
Carson: Frankly, Conan went way too easy on them if you ask me. But to tell the truth, better Conan than me, I figure. Which is why I’m calling you. Nobody I know in Hollywood or New York can offer me even the slightest shred of sensible explanation about this [expletive] mess! It’s only because I just happen to know this woman whose brother is at the UN, that I ever even heard of you; but she swears you’re the smartest person inside the Beltway!
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Carson: Baltimore? That’s someplace near Washington DC, right? It’s where The Wire happened on HBO, wasn’t it?
Tom: Yeah. Poe is buried there, too.
Carson: Who?
Tom: Never mind. Tell you what, Carson, while we’ve been talking, I’ve been firing up my wireless laptop, so I propose to do a little analysis here. My recommended methodology is to start with the facts. And so right now, I’m searching Google Videos using the keywords “Carson,” “Daly” and “Show,” and I’ve just obtained the first SERP.
Carson: The first what?
Tom: The first Search Engine Results Page. Let me tell you what I see. Okay – here’s Number One, the very first result returned by a search of the entire World Wide Web video data store for “Carson Daly Show” – it’s a year-old video of Mindless Self Indulgence appearing on your show, performing “Shut Me Up.” I’ll play it – yeah, there they are, yelling “I can’t wait for you to shut me up,” all decked out in spiked hair reminiscent of the 1980’s punk scene. That’s what the number one SERP entry is for “Carson Daly Show” on Google Videos today, Carson. And in the last year, it’s been viewed a grand total of three hundred and thirty-eight times. Next, in the Number Two slot is a video of Robin Thicke from March 10, 2009, performing a song about the environment or something, I think – he’s going on about the ice caps melting and so forth. Very socially conscious, I’m sure, and a total of three hundred twenty-seven people have watched this video in the past ten months. Number Three is Charles Hamilton performing “Loser.” It’s got all of two hundred and forty-four views and three comments in the last ten months. Then, at Number Four, with a total of sixty-six views, is the clip where you visit the Hotel Cafe at 1623 and 1/2 North Cahuenga Boulevard in Hollywood to hear Robert Francis, presenting what you are calling, right here in this video, “… a masterwork full of heartbreakingly introspective lyrics and an exploration of true musical talent that manages to evade the themes of teen angst prevalent in modern music.”
Carson: I said that?
Tom: Got you right here, Carson, saying it for all sixty-seven people who have seen this video since it was posted.
Carson: Yeah, well, plus everyone who watched my show when I did that segment.
Tom: Sure, of course. Now Number Five is your fourteen month old interview of Asher Roth, where he relates his incredible encounter with Jay Z and his cover story on Double XL and all that, where you lean on how now Roth is on your show and imply that’s going to make his career or something.
Carson: Well, I’m sure it didn’t do his career any harm.
Tom: No doubt. It’s pretty obvious that this Internet video clip did him no damage whatsoever – only one hundred and sixty eight people have watched it. Moving right along, at Number Six, there’s a ten month old clip of the Miracle Dolls’ appearance on Last Call with Carson Daly. It’s got one comment and ninety-three plays. Those twin female lead singers… you know who I’m talking about?
Carson: You mean Danielle and Desiree?
Tom: Okay, if those are their names – honestly now, wouldn’t it be really nice if at least one of them could carry a tune in a bucket?
Carson: Huh? What are you talking about?
Tom: May I ask a personal question?
Carson: Yeah, I guess.
Tom: Are you, by any chance… ah, how shall I put this… utterly tone deaf?
Carson: Get out! Listen, Tom, get this straight – as a matter of fact, not only am I definitely not tone deaf, I happen to have perfect pitch!
Tom: So, I take it, then, the explanation must be that you have absolutely no taste in music?
Carson: I’ve got awesome taste in music, God damn it!
I was a VJ on MTV!
Tom: Well, there you go, then – in my view, that explains a lot. Okay, here at Number Seven, then, there’s a video of you being interviewed by Conan O’Brien on The Tonight Show, where you tell Conan you’re from Palm Springs, and how your mother is “the Kathy Lee Gifford of Palm Springs,” and how your father is “a cross between Al Bundy and Homer Simpson,” presenting as evidence an incident where he wanders aimlessly through the shot as your mother tries to tape a segment of her cable access show Christmas special at home.
Carson: Yeah, I remember that interview. It was a completely awesome, radical experience, being interviewed by Conan.
Tom: And I’m certain that all sixteen of the people who have viewed the video of it during the last twenty-seven days wholeheartedly agree with you, too. Now, Number Eight is you, from seven months ago, introducing North Mississippi. I’d say, on the one hand, I admire your integrity, what with you presenting a group that is obviously performing live music without any lip-synching or other electronic chicanery; but on the other, I feel ethically bound, in my capacity as a professional consultant, to tell you that not only have I heard garage bands that sound better than that act, I have actually been in garage bands that sounded better than them.
Carson: Well, like you said, it was mainly about the authenticity.
Tom: Indeed – what else could it have been about? Okay, so then Number Nine is Fat Joe, performing “I Won’t Tell” on your show over a year ago. In which time, that particular video has been viewed a grand total of two hundred and ninety one times. I must admit though, those guys are, in fact, really, really fat, no doubt about it. Hey, that’s interesting – I’m getting in-screen advertisements for weight loss plans and tickets to Mary Poppins. Strange combination.
Carson: Fat Joe has a very unique fan base.
Tom: I’m not going to require much convincing on that point, I can assure you. And finally, Number Ten is you interviewing T.I., talking about how many children he’s got and how he’s turning his impending prison sentence into a reality show on MTV. Looks like a massive six hundred and nineteen people have viewed that particular video in the last eleven months. So, it would seem, the facts speak for themselves.
Carson: Meaning what?
Tom: While we’ve been talking, I sent an instant message over my business VPN to my private secretary Gretchen, the young lady who took your call, and asked her to break in when I indicated she should do so. I just did.
Gretchen: Yes, Mr. Collins?
Tom: Gretchen, you’re a hot, sexy urban twentysomething sophisticate with an enviable night life and lots of friends, right?
Gretchen: I’d say that’s a pretty fair assessment.
Tom: So you’re right smack dab in the middle of Carson’s target audience, aren’t you?
Gretchen: I suppose so.
Tom: And who, do you suppose, watches Jay Leno?
Gretchen: Old married people out in the suburbs, like in Arlington or Bladensburg or something, who have to go to bed early.
Tom: And who do you think should host The Tonight Show?
Gretchen: Conan O’Brien, for sure, Mr. Collins, no question.
Tom: So you watch Conan?
Gretchen: Only, like, when I’m out clubbing and the bands all suck and there aren’t any cute guys – or maybe sometimes when you get some bozo from the Pentagon or something that wants to come in at seven in the morning and I know I have to go in and open up the office. When that kind of stuff happens, I go home and watch Conan while I eat chocolate ice cream with Grand Marnier on it or something. Then I go to bed and watch Jimmy Fallon.
Tom: And then what?
Gretchen: Then I fall asleep during Jimmy Fallon, wake up in the middle of Carson Daly, turn off the TV and go back to bed.
Tom: Right. Thanks, Gretchen. So, okay, Carson, there you have it.
Carson: Have what?
Tom: The essence and crux of your problem. The reason why NBC didn’t even blink an eye at the prospect of dumping you out on the street if Conan wouldn’t dry up and blow away.
Carson: Which is?
Tom: Your principal, most important, major audience demographic is people who fall asleep with the television on.
Carson: Jesus Christ Almighty! You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?
Tom: As with all my clients, Carson, my lips are sealed.
Carson: Well, that’s a relief, anyway. Thanks for your time. How much do I owe you?
Tom: Oh, think nothing of it. But if any of those NBC executives you know need advice in the future, I’d appreciate it if you’d mention me.
Carson: What – dealing with mindless, soulless beasts who eat money and crap trouble doesn’t bother you?
Tom: Sir, I remind you, I work in Washington, DC. Mindless, soulless beasts who eat money and crap trouble are my stock in trade.
Carson: In that case, I’m damned sure glad I’m not you.
Tom: The feeling, I sincerely attest, is mutual. Good day, Carson Daly.
Carson: And you too, Tom Collins. ‘Bye!