Late Thursday afternoon, I received one Austin Houston Crockett Bowie Bonham III, who, regular readers will remember, is a tall, rangy, handsome fellow from the Lone Star State. The purpose of his visit this time was to represent Texans for a Better Environment, a non-profit organization of concerned citizens that had sent him to Washington in order to, among other things, consult me.
“Right nice to meet up with you again,” he volunteered as he sprawled comfortably on the couch, casting a brief, scornful glance through the picture window behind it at the White House. “Been a couple of years, ain’t it? That [expletive] Mau Mau over there beginnin’ to chap your [expletive] as bad as he chaps ours down in God’s Country?”
“Yes and no,” I replied, “respectively. What, may I ask, is the purpose of your current brave and daring sojourn into the Belly of the Beast?”
“Same as always,” he drawled, “the protection and preservation of the American Way of Life. You are aware, I assume, that the most recent census data indicate that the pepper-bellies are out-breeding not only whites, but even the notoriously prolific porch monkeys who overrun your glorious District of Columbia?”
“Not that I would put it that way,” I conceded, “but yes, that’s a fact of some sort or another. What relevance does it bear, may I ask, to your mission here on behalf of the Texans for a Better Environment?”
“Basically,” he explained, “it’s important because it underlines the essential struggle of the white race, Protestant Christianity, Northern European culture, free-market capitalism and authentic, red-blooded constitutional American freedom against the insidious, ruthless, unprincipled and diabolical forces of Socialism, Zionism, Islamism, Orientalism, atheism, anarchy, same-sex marriage, drug abuse, homosexual adoption, evolutionist education, trans-gendered public employee union representation and Papist-influenced collective bargaining – no offense – that currently infest the United States under the intolerable yoke of the Obama dictatorship!”
“You left out the flying saucers,” I helpfully reminded him.
“Hell,” he snorted good-naturedly, “you got me – so I did. Yeah, them, the Freemasons, the Illuminati, the ACLU and the Federal Reserve Bank, too. Did you know that obituary notices in Texas these days say ‘in lieu of flowers, please contribute money to anyone running against Barack Obama?’”
“That’s been reported,” I replied. “I recall, however, that the nice lady from Texans for a Better Environment who scheduled this meeting said you wanted to talk about the EPA.”
“True,” he noted, “the EPA is, in fact, shall we say, the proximate cause of my visit today. It’s been doin’ everything it can to violate Texas states rights ever since the very first day that Kenyan [expletive] moved into the White House over there.”
“But the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality,” I noted, “ruled against the EPA’s initiative to implement carbon dioxide greenhouse emission restrictions, didn’t they? What’s more, just a couple of hours ago, the House Energy and Commerce Committee Subcommittee on Energy and Power held a field hearing in Houston where I hear your guys, Congressman Pete Olsen from the twenty-second district, and Joe Barton, chairman emeritus, of your sixth district, ripped EPA Assistant Administrator for Air and Radiation, Gina McCarthy, at least one new orifice, if not several, right there in public, in front of God and everybody.”
“That’s right,” he chuckled, “you don’t mess with Pete Olsen and Joe Barton, no sir, you don’t.”
“And on Tuesday,” I added, “the Texas Railroad Commission ruled that Range Resources, of Fort Worth, is not responsible for natural gas contamination of well water in Parker County.”
“Absolutely true,” Bonham confirmed, “and they ain’t, either.”
“So,” I concluded, “it looks like Texas is kicking the EPA’s butt all the way from El Paso to Port Arthur. What’s the problem?”
“Well, now,” he sighed, “Texas is certainly doin’ okay in Texas, but there’s this federal court thing, you see. Damn EPA keeps draggin’ Texas into federal court about this [expletive]. And one problem we got is, uh… well, there’s nothin’ to write home about on the Texas side of the TCEQ case, mostly – on the federal law side of it, you understand; so they tell me.”
“No doubt,” I surmised, “You have the best available legal talent representing you in these matters.”
“Yeah,” Bonham acknowledged, “our guys know their lawyerin’ as good as the feds, no doubt about that. But they tell me all they have workin’ for us on the carbon emissions thing is – well, basically, we got go in there and pitch a fit about how expensive it’s going to be for Texas industry to comply with the Clean Air Act.”
“Really” I asked. “How come?”
“Because,” he grumbled, “even though Texans for a Better Environment paid some mighty serious money to a whole passel of fancy-pants, over-priced, biscotti-eating, egg-head consultants – no offense – to come up with that there Flexible Emissions Permit Program the TCEQ substituted for the EPA’s permittin’ regulations, it looks like they don’t have no better chance of holding up in federal court than a Galveston beach house in a category-five hurricane.”
“Given the current economic climate,” I observed, “if you pitch a fit about how many jobs compliance with the EPA greenhouse gas emission restrictions would eliminate…”
“Instead,” he interjected, “of talking about the cost? Come to think of it, that might go over better with a federal judge – and the media, too – if we put it that way. Can you come up with… ah… an appropriate estimate? Back it up with some… numbers and such?”
“Certainly,” I assured him. “I can prepare a very plausible labor force impact analysis for delivery Monday morning.”
“Okay, then,” he nodded, “go ahead and do that. Now, then, there’s this Range Resource thing. It looks pretty good, generally speakin’, but I want you to make sure there ain’t any hidden… problems.”
“Such as what?” I inquired.
“Well,” Bonham muttered, “that’s why I’m here – I can’t say; they’re like, all hidden and stuff – if there are any, that is. But you know what happened there, and I’m payin’, so you tell me.”
“Shortly after Range Resources completed a set of fracking wells in the nearby Barnett shale formation,” I related, “people in Parker County Texas, out in the vicinity of Weatherford, just west of Fort Worth, reported to EPA Region 6 that the water coming out of their wells was so contaminated with natural gas, it was flammable.”
“Yeah, well, big deal,” Bonham sneered. “Natural gas vents on water wells aren’t particularly uncommon in central Texas, you know.”
“True,” I agreed, “but water that catches fire always gets folks’ attention. There’s something almost… Biblical about it. It was when the Cuyahoga River in Cleveland went up in flames back in 1969 that people started talking seriously about having the federal government do something about the environment in the first place. You might even say the EPA owes its existence to smoke on the water.”
“I’d say,” Bonham volunteered, “it owes its existence to some tree-huggin’, bunny-lovin’, pot-smoking hippie liberal fairy!”
“The EPA,” I pointed out, “was founded by President Richard M. Nixon.”
“What?” Bonham squinted at me suspiciously. “You’re makin’ that up, right?”
“Afraid not, partner,” I informed him. “So one of the home owners, a fellow named Lipsky, hired a laboratory to test the water and showed the results to the regional EPA office. Then the EPA had the lab perform some more tests, and all of those went into the 751-page Administrative Docket Record PDF I downloaded from the EPA web site yesterday shortly after you booked this consultation.”
“And where,” Bonham demanded, “did the lab say that gas in the water was coming from?”
“Analytical laboratories,” I explained, “are paid to objectively determine the constituents of the various samples they receive, not to draw conclusions concerning them.”
“That’s right,” Bonham concurred, “they ain’t. That’s what expert witnesses are for. Did you have a chance to look at that copy of the results Range Resources got – from the very same lab?”
“Yes,” I confirmed.
“And,” he continued, “I suppose you noticed that Range Resources paid for more tests than that Lipsky character or the EPA did – a lot more.”
“And no doubt,” I averred, “the laboratory was delighted to have all that additional business.”
“They’re a highly reputable company,” Bonham insisted, “and I can guarantee you, they perform all their work in a completely scientific manner.”
“I’m certain that’s true,” I assured him. “So it comes down to how these data are interpreted. On one hand, we have the EPA looking at the data and noting that the carbon-13 isotope ratios indicate the presence of natural gas originating in a deep formation from the Mississippian epoch, some 350 to 320 million years old. On the other, we have additional tests, paid for by Range Resources, that show the nitrogen content of the samples is more consistent with the natural gas that occurs in the much shallower Strawn formation, which lies immediately below the homes in question, overlain by a Cretaceous layer which contains the aquifer from which the residents obtain their well water.”
“Yeah,” Bonham replied approvingly, “that’s pretty much it; except for the fact that none of them rocks is more than six thousand years old, of course, but that’s beside the point, I suppose. Bottom line, it looks like the EPA’s big mistake was not getting those extra tests for nitrogen, huh? All I need so’s I can rest easy on this is for you to confirm that.”
“Unfortunately,” I revealed, “I can’t. Tell me, why do you suppose the EPA didn’t test for nitrogen?”
“Oh, I donno,” he shrugged. “Maybe they couldn’t afford it. Maybe they were too stupid to think of it. Or maybe they just plumb forgot.”
“Or maybe,” I suggested, “they realized that any natural gas escaping from improperly fractured wells in the Barnett formation would have to pass through the Strawn formation and the aquifer above it before it came out of the shower head in Mr. Lipsky’s bathroom.”
“So?” Bonham protested.
“So,” I declared, “you would expect to find more nitrogen in the gas mixed with the Lipsky family’s drinking water than you would find in a sample taken directly from a Barnett well. That is because the latter volume did not pass through the Strawn formation or the Cretaceous aquifer, while the former, however, did.”
“You can’t prove that!” Bonham excitedly ejaculated.
“I can’t prove Santa Clause doesn’t exist either,” I reminded him. “Nobody can prove a negative. So, by the same token, you can’t say to your expert witnesses, ‘Prove the nitrogen observed in the samples collected from the Lipsky’s plumbing did not get there when Range Resource gas migrated through the earth from a leaking Barnett frack into the Lipsky’s well water.’ And, since they can’t prove how it couldn’t, but the EPA can present a very reasonable explanation as to how it could, the presence of some excess nitrogen in the well water gas samples is irrelevant. And that’s why the EPA didn’t bother wasting its budget testing for nitrogen.”
“But… but… but…” Bonham stammered, “our experts have already testified to the Texas Railroad Commission that the nitrogen proves Range Resources isn’t responsible!”
“If,” I tactfully qualified, “you read their testimony very carefully, I’m sure you will find that they adroitly managed to avoid that.”
“But the Texas Railroad Commission,” he wailed, “found in our favor!”
“Texas Railroad Commissioner Michael Williams,” I pointed out, “is a Republican, and planning to run for United States Senate. And right now, because of the Range Resources decision, he’s a hero to the Texas GOP.”
“[Expletive]!” Bonham shouted. “[Expletive] God-damned [expletive] Communist [expletive] EPA [expletive] federal [expletive] government [expletive] Washington [expletive] [expletive] Democrat [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive]…”
“Strictly speaking,” I chided, “that last part is physically impossible, you know.”
“[Expletive] whether it’s [expletive] physically possible!” Bonham raged. “What the [expletive] are we [expletive] supposed to [expletive] do now? What about the [expletive] media? They’ve been all [expletive] over this like Mexican whores on a UT frat boy! The [expletive] Houston [expletive] Chronicle! The [expletive] Dallas Morning News! The [expletive] Wall Street Journal, for [expletive] sweet [expletive] Jesus Christ’s sake! [Expletive] Fox!”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about them,” I consoled. “They’re not the type to let the facts get in the way of a good story.
“But what about [expletive] federal [expletive] court?” Bonham moaned.
“You still have control of the narrative,” I instructed. “The one that says, ‘Obama is anti-fossil fuels, Obama is anti-business, Obama wants to destroy America by keeping us dependent on foreign energy,’ you know – all that good stuff. No matter what happens, just have your PR flaks keep repeating it to the press. If you lose in federal court, that’s just additional proof that the EPA cares more about regulations and bureaucracy than it does about jobs and national security. Besides, just because somebody, most likely an EPA contractor, was smart enough to realize that the amount of nitrogen in the well water samples doesn’t make any difference, while comparisons of the carbon-13 ratios do, it’s by no means certain that a bunch of government lawyers are going to realize that. And if they don’t, and none of the scientists involved on their side tell them about it, the judge will remain clueless with respect to the issue and Range Resources will probably win.”
“Okay then,” Bonham gasped, breathing heavily with relief. “So, Number One – can you go through the EPA lab results and our lab results and see if you can find some other way we can at least introduce reasonable doubt about Range Resource’s responsibility? Because I’d sure like to have that when I let Texans for a Better Environment know about this nitrogen thing.”
“Sure,” I told him, “that can be ready by close of business Tuesday.”
“Right,” he responded as he rose to shake my hand. “Do it. And Number Two – not a word about this to anyone.”
“My lips,” I promised, “are sealed tighter than a Carboniferous shale.”