[The following consultation occurred on Wednesday, May 11. On Monday, May 16, Donald Trump announced, during the NBC network’s presentation of its fall schedule, that he will not be running for President – as much as he would like too, of course.
Golly, I sure hope it wasn’t something I said!]
Wednesday morning, sandwiched in between a Portuguese diplomat seeking advice on how to talk the Finns into loaning them bailout money (which the Finns have since agreed to do) and a Libyan rebel trying to figure out how to get the United States to recognize the National Transitional Council as the new legitimate government (which the US has not done yet, although it did announce yesterday that the NTC is
“the legitimate and credible interlocutor of the Libyan people”), I got a telephone call from Donald Trump.
Trump: Collins? Tom Collins?
Tom: At your service, sir. To what do I owe the honor of this telephone call?
Trump: Well, I hear you’re the smartest person inside the Beltway…
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Trump: Baltimore? I could buy that dump with my spare change and still have money left over for Detroit!
Tom: I’m sure you could, Mr. Trump.
Trump: Because I’m really, really rich.
Tom: I know, Mr. Trump.
Trump: And I got that way by being really, really shrewd.
Tom: Yes, Mr. Trump.
Trump: And really, really ballsy, too!
Tom: Of course, Mr. Trump.
Trump: I got really, really huge ones, you know.
Tom: So I’ve heard, Mr. Trump.
Trump: And a [expletive] to match!
Tom: Um… ah, yes… I’m sure you do, Mr. Trump.
Trump: And, of course, because I’m a [expletive] genius!
Tom: Undoubtedly, Mr. Trump.
Trump: In fact, I may be the most intelligent person who ever lived. Call me Donald.
Tom: Okay, Donald. It’s truly a privilege to address the most intelligent person who ever lived by his first name. Thank you.
Trump: You’re very welcome.
Tom: But, since that is the case, how can I, who am merely the smartest person inside the Beltway, be of any assistance?
Trump: Because, in addition to all that, I’m also just about the most modest, humble and sincere person you’ll ever meet.
Tom: That’s very modest humble and sincere of you to say, Donald.
Trump: Yeah, I know. And it isn’t easy, either, because I’m me.
Tom: It’s a remarkable feat, in fact.
Trump: You’re [expletive] right it is. So, because I’m so modest, humble and sincere, I know that even if I know more than anybody else, that includes knowing that I don’t know everything. Therefore, occasionally, it becomes necessary for me to confer from time to time with another genius about certain various issues which have come before me.
Tom: I’m very complimented that you have decided to hear my views and analysis, Donald. What might those issues be?
Trump: Well, you’re the consummate Washington expert mind, you know? So, I figure you’re the one who can give me the quickest and best answers to the unanswered questions I have running around in my head like rats in the basement of a block of brownstones which I am about to demolish in order to build a great edifice of real estate construction, such as the world famous Trump World Tower.
Tom: I see. No problem. You have questions, I have answers. That’s my job, Donald. Shoot.
Trump: Okay – first of all, how can I fix it so I can give my Inaugural Address indoors?
Tom: I’m sorry, Donald, I thought I just heard you say, “Inaugural Address.”
Trump: I did. I was referring to the Inaugural Address I am going to deliver in January, 2013, when I am sworn in as President of the United States.
Tom: Gee whiz, Donald, it’s only May of 2011 at the moment, and the road from here to the White House is long and tortuous, indeed. First, you will have to win the Republican nomination, competing tooth-and-nail against such formidable opponents as Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Mike Huckabee, Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, John Huntsman, Jeb Bush, Rick Santorum, Gary Johnson, Herman Cain and Ron Paul in an arduous series of primaries and caucuses – Iowa, New Hampshire, Michigan, Florida, Super Tuesday, March Madness in Texas and Ohio, then Pennsylvania, Indiana and North Carolina. Then you’ll need to pick a running mate and deal with their mistakes all way up through November, 2012. Meanwhile, you will have to debate and defeat Barack Obama, the incumbent President, at least once. And after that, you will need to mount a campaign that sweeps him from office in the Electoral College. Only after accomplishing all those things, I should think, would questions pertaining to your inauguration be entertained.
Trump: In my mind, I’m already there.
Tom: Oh, I see. Okay, then. And you want to deliver your Inaugural Address indoors because you’re… concerned… about… the wind?
Trump: Uh… yeah.
Tom: Have you considered… wearing a hat?
Trump: Has anybody ever worn a hat during their Inaugural Address?
Tom: Not since Rutherford B. Hayes. But everybody since him, right on up through JFK, wore a top hat to the ceremony. You could do that, and simply not take it off when you deliver the speech.
Trump: Okay, maybe, but what would the public think?
Tom: It could be spun.
Trump: Spun? How?
Tom: That you’re a retro-trend setter, symbolically taking America back to the Good Old Days, when the United States stood astride the world like a colossus.
Trump: A colossus. Hmm… that sounds pretty good.
Tom: And very much your style, Donald.
Trump: Okay – let’s consider the hat a fall-back position. How can I get the ceremony moved indoors?
Tom: Well, the last US President to take the oath of office indoors – other than after an assassination, of course – was James Madison. So holding it outdoors is a very long standing tradition. On the other hand, there’s no law that says where the new President has to be sworn into office. If you’d rather not wear a hat while you do it, then I would suggest you take the oath of office and deliver your Inaugural Address in the rotunda of the US Capitol, and set up Jumbo Tron screens in front of the Capitol and down the Mall to the Washington Monument, so the adoring multitudes which will assemble there can watch.
Trump: Yeah, I like that… adoring multitudes… Jumbo Trons. My face will be forty, maybe fifty feet tall.
Tom: Okay – Inaugural Address broadcast live in high definition TV from inside the US Capitol rotunda with Jumbo Tron screens all over the place outside the building. What’s the next issue?
Trump: The flag. Old Glory. You know that one I put up at my golf course in Rancho Palos Verdes, out in California?
Tom: Oh, yes – it’s very large.
Trump: That one’s going to be nothing compared to the one I’m going to put up in Washington. How tall do you think it should be?
Tom: Well, the Washington Monument is five hundred fifty-five feet tall…
Trump: Fine. Double that.
Tom: One thousand, one hundred and ten feet?
Trump: Yeah.
Tom: How big a flag were you contemplating?
Trump: What would you suggest?
Tom: To keep in proportion with the pole, you would need something about twenty percent of its height – say about two hundred and twenty-five feet on the short side and four hundred and thirty-five feet on the long one.
Trump: Sounds good. Any engineering considerations?
Tom: With a flag that size, it would be necessary to have three versions designed for light, moderate and high breeze conditions. Otherwise, if it was thick enough not to shred in a high breeze, most of the time it would just hang there, drooping. You’d need a thin mylar version for light breeze conditions, so that it would unfurl and wave nicely at five or ten miles an hour. Then a standard nylon thickness for medium breezes up to about thirty miles per hour and another, in heavy-duty thickness, for higher speeds. It would be necessary to have a ground crew in place twenty-four/seven, monitoring weather conditions and running up the appropriate flag for the prevailing breeze. On the other hand, if the flag were constructed of carbon fiber, it would be light enough to unfurl and wave patriotically over the city, even in a slight breeze, but also be strong enough to withstand one-hundred-mile-per-hour gusts. So, while it might be expensive to make a couple of flags that size out of carbon fiber, you could save a lot of money on the ground crew overhead.
Trump: A very preceptive and informed analysis, to be sure. Where should I put the pole? I was thinking, maybe the White House lawn?
Tom: If it were placed too close to the building itself, the flag and pole might overwhelm the White House, esthetically speaking. A structure that large would probably be better located on the Ellipse, just south of the White House, between it and the Washington Monument. What’s more, the Ellipse is empty right now, except for the National Christmas Tree every year. Most of the time, it’s a huge, vacant space screaming for something big and impressive, right in the middle of it…
Trump: Like the President Donald Trump Flag Pole.
Tom: Precisely.
Trump: Okay – I’ll put a one thousand one hundred and ten foot flag pole with a two hundred twenty-five foot by four hundred thirty-five foot American flag on it, right in the middle of the Ellipse – and it will be carbon fiber.
Tom: Sure. You might as well go first class on a project like that.
Trump: Everything I do is first class. Okay, next, I need to know where on the Mall is the best place for a Trump casino?
Tom: Good question. Certainly, the National Museum of American History doesn’t get all that many visitors. The Smithsonian Museum of African Art already looks like a casino… oh, I’ve got it! Put the casino in the National Museum of the American Indian!
Trump: The Trump Indian Casino on the Mall. I like it. People will be able to visit a genuine simulation of a real Indian casino, see Indian stuff in glass cases, look at dioramas of Indians and all that, but never have to deal with any real Indians. All right, then – I’ll put a Trump casino in that Indian museum. Now, as President, I’m going to need to class up the White House after I move in. I’ll need build that ballroom I’ve been talking about, of course.
Tom: The one patterned after your ballroom at the Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach?
Trump: Yeah, unless I can think of something better before I move in. And I’ve got to get rid of all that musty old crap in there, too, not to mention that boring, old-fashioned colonial decor. How do you think it would be received there in Washington if I hired Bergman Walls and Associates and had them renovate the White House interior along the lines of, say, my Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas? You know – twenty-four carat gold windows, Breccia Onnicata Italian marble bathrooms with large screen HDTVs in them, raised indoor pools, caviar-and-champagne color scheme – the works – nothing but class, a total class act.
Tom: If you’re going to engage in such extensive… improvements during the worst recession since the 1930’s…
Trump: Stop right there! Don’t worry about that! This economic [expletive] storm is all going to end as soon as I take office! The first thing I’m going to do is, I’m going over to those camel-[expletive] Saudis and those [expletive] suckers in Kuwait and the rest of those [expletive] sand monkeys and tell them, “Okay [expletive], the [expletive] show’s over – give us the oil or else!”
Tom: And so you don’t think that the public will have any problems accepting… expenditure of the public funds necessary to… give the White House the requisite class it needs in order for you to live there?
Trump: Are you kidding me? After I go over there and kick those [expletive] Arabs in the [expletive] and that oil starts flowing again and gas goes back down to two dollars a gallon? Forget about it!
Tom: I guess not. In that case, well – you’re the President and it’s your White House. That’s the accepted tradition here in Washington. All anyone can do about that – all they have ever been able to do, is cluck their tongues at you on the op-ed page. There’s certainly no legal or regulatory barrier.
Trump: Great!
Tom: But… do you think… maybe you could keep the Lincoln Bedroom?
Trump: Hey, don’t worry about it. When you see what I do with it, you’ll realize that Donald Trump was just what the Lincoln Bedroom needed! Now, I’ve taken a look at the White House guard uniforms, and let me tell you, they need a make-over, bad. I think something more along the lines of the original Trump Tower staff uniforms would be appropriate.
Tom: You mean the ones from the 1980’s with the bear skin hats?
Trump: Yeah, those.
Tom: Did you know that Richard Nixon re-designed the White House guard uniforms?
Trump: No. What did they look like?
Tom: They were somewhat less… elaborate… than your original Trump Tower doorman uniforms. They didn’t last long, however, because of the public outcry. Time magazine, for example, described them as “Graustarkian.”
Trump: So what are you saying?
Tom: That, to play it safe, I would suggest you make sure your design doesn’t too strongly resemble Nixon’s.
Trump: I’m not the type who plays it safe.
Tom: True. Maybe it’s just that Nixon’s taste in uniforms was forty years ahead of his time.
Trump: Probably. I’m always ahead of mine. Great men are like that.
Tom: So they are. Anyway, the fact is, Nixon established a precedent for the President to dress the White House guards any way he pleases, so if you want to do that, too, then you’re just following in the footsteps of greatness.
Trump: Following? I follow nothing! I lead! And furthermore, I am greatness.
Tom: Of course. Anything else?
Trump: What kind of flak am I going to run into if I do a reality TV show?
Tom: You mean, while you’re President of the United States?
Trump: What did you think I meant?
Tom: Uh, right. Well, there are the obvious national security issues. Your NBC camera crew…
Trump: I’ve been talking to Fox about it, actually.
Tom: Okay, anyway, if you had a TV camera crew following you around all the time, making videos of everything that you, as President, do, they would require some mighty extensive background checks and clearances.
Trump: I’m sure Fox – or whoever I decide on – will be able to provide them.
Tom: Yeah, but there would still be times when you would have to tell them to shut off their cameras, and others when it would become evident, after the fact, that a particular sequence simply cannot be broadcast without severe impacts to the United States or its allies. Bottom line, I think Congress, the Pentagon, the State Department and the intelligence community all might have some serious reservations about the idea.
Trump: Yeah, but can they do anything about it? Can they stop me from starring in my own presidential reality TV show?
Tom: I’m not a national security attorney, but off the top of my head, I’d say, probably not. I would advise, however, that you work out an agreement in advance, whereby their authorized representatives review the content of each episode prior to broadcast.
Trump: Sure, why not? As long as I have the final cut.
Tom: That’s… ah… very… reassuring.
Trump: Okay, then, gotta go. I’ll get back to you later with some more stuff I need to talk about.
Tom: Sounds good, Donald. Thanks for calling.
Trump: Yeah. ‘Bye.