Wednesday morning, about a quarter to eleven, Gretchen poked her head inside my office, her face covered with a quizzical expression. “Who’s Tim Pawlenty?” she inquired.
“Why do you ask?” I cautiously responded.
“Because there’s somebody on the phone who says she works for him,” Gretchen explained, “and frankly, she’s kind of upset that I don’t know who Tim Pawlenty is.”
“Actually,” I observed, “that’s quite understandable. What does this lady want?”
“An appointment,” Gretchen informed me with a smile. “She says Tim Pawlenty told her to get a consultation from you as soon as possible.”
“Okay,” I allowed, “in that case, let’s give her one. When’s my next available time slot?”
“Not until Friday,” Gretchen informed me, “at two-thirty.”
“Very well,” I sagely intoned with my best air of authority, “make it so.”
Thus it was, at half past two this afternoon, that Polly Esther Mather strode, upright and righteous, into my office and, of course, selected the chair located directly front and center before my desk.
“Nice place you have here,” she opined as she cast a long glance out the picture window behind the couch at the White House. “I guess the rent on this place must be… astronomical, huh?”
“Given the incredible slump in the real estate market delivered by George W. Bush and Company,” I shot back, “I’d say it’s decidedly less like a NASA trip to Mars and more like renting Soyuz seats from the Russians so we can get our raggedy-butt astronauts up to the International Space Station to conduct vital, important and fascinating experiments, such as assessing the effects of cosmic rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds.”
“Hmph,” Polly Esther Mather huffed, “typical federal government waste. How come Washington can’t let us honest, God-fearing Americans keep our own hard-earned money and spend it like we want to? Can you riddle me that, Mister High-Priced Inside-the-Beltway Policy Consultant with, as I can see, a wall full of degrees, certificates and diplomas, all attesting to how smart and educated you are?”
“Because,” I informed her, “the United States government has to collect taxes to fund the three federal programs every American wants.”
“The three federal programs every American wants?” Polly repeated back to me sarcastically. “And what, pray tell, are they?”
“Well,” I replied, “that’s the problem. Every American has three federal programs they are absolutely certain are essential to the survival and success of our economy, our society and our way of life, but what those three federal programs are depends on which American you ask. Take you, for instance. Where are you from?”
“Minnesota,” she proudly told me, “just like Tim Pawlenty.”
“Rural?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she allowed. “Canby, over by the North Dakota border.”
“Okay,” I said, “in that case, as a conservative from rural western Minnesota, my guess would be that your three indispensable federal programs are national defense, ICE and wheat subsidies.”
“You’re certainly not suggesting,” she objected, “that we Americans relinquish our position as the world’s greatest military power, or that we let illegal immigrants overrun our country, breeding like rabbits, or that honest, hard-working American wheat farmers compete against foreign farmers in places like Canada, Australia… and Russia without any help or support from our government, are you?”
“Of course not,” I assured her. “And if I were to ask one of your fellow conservatives, who lives in… oh, let’s say Nashua, New Hampshire, and who owns an independent hardware store there, he’d probably say that his three indispensable federal programs also include national defense and ICE, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be terribly concerned about wheat subsidies. No, I think that his third incredibly necessary federal government program would be the Small Business Administration, whose help he desperately needs in order not to get eaten alive by the likes of Wal-Mart and Home Depot. So – see what I mean? That’s the reason Washington needs all that money, because every American has three federal programs they can’t live without, and, if you look across the entire spectrum of Americans, you will see that every program the federal government has is one of the three absolutely essential federal programs that one segment or another of the great American public holds dear to their hearts. And who, may I ask, is so grandiose as to consider themselves qualified to say which Americans are right about their beloved federal programs, and which ones are wrong?”
“Tim Pawlenty!” Polly Esther Mather declared without a moment’s hesitation. “And that’s why I’m here today!”
“Very well,” I dryly responded, “in that case, what’s Governor Pawlenty’s problem?”
“Oh, yeah,” she sighed, “that. Um, well, I… uh… did you watch the debate Monday night?”
“No,” I admitted, “there were other, more pressing matters at hand. But I did record it, and I found time to watch it on Wednesday.”
“So…” she fretted, “what do you think of what everybody said about… you know… who won… and all that?”
“Mostly blather,” I opined. “Certain members of the chattering class declared Mitt Romney the winner, for example. Winning that particular debate, however, is somewhere between being awarded the blue ribbon at a cow pie eating contest and taking home the trophy from a mud wrestling tournament. No, the only thing that really mattered about the Republican debate last Monday was the poll ratings on Tuesday morning.”
“Exactly,” she broke in. “And that is the problem I came to see you about!”
“Oh, right,” I shrugged. “You’re here because on Tuesday morning, Tim Pawlenty was not only polling way behind Republicans who showed up in New Hampshire and debated him, he was even polling severely behind Republicans who didn’t, like Sarah Palin, and, what’s more, ridiculously behind Republicans who haven’t even hinted that they’re interested in running for President in 2012, like Rudy Giuliani.”
“Oh, Jesus, come on,” she griped, “there’s no reason to rub it in. Yeah, admittedly, Tim’s got a… name recognition problem. So, for the kind of money you charge, I’d like to hear some viable strategies for getting the word out about who Tim Pawlenty is and what he stands for.”
“The challenge there,” I warned, “is that if the average American voter actually finds out who Tim Pawlenty is and what he stands for, they will vote for Barack Obama just to avoid what Tim Pawlenty is and what Tim Pawlenty stands for.”
“How dare you?” Polly nearly jumped up out of the chair. “What do you mean by that?”
“Simply,” I elaborated, “that Tim Pawlenty is the guy who talked a good game about creating economic prosperity, but by the time he left office as governor, the state of Minnesota was running a record deficit.”
“But that wasn’t his fault,” she protested, “the Democrats were to blame!”
“Maybe,” I allowed, “and maybe not. The simple political fact is, Tim Pawlenty isn’t going to be able to get much mileage out of pointing fingers at the Democrats. He was the governor, he was the captain of the ship, and the deficits happened because of him. And that’s precisely the argument he will have to make against Obama in order to win the general election – that Obama, not George W. Bush, is to blame for the current federal deficit predicament. And that, in turn, means he will have to accept responsibility for screwing up the budget deficit in Minnesota. He simply can’t have it both ways, you know.”
“What do you mean, he can’t have it both ways?” Polly yelled back at me. “Of course he can have it both ways! Having it both ways is what being a conservative Republican is all about!”
“In the Republican primaries,” I agreed, “yes, it certainly is. But not in the general election. And then, there’s the issue of what the average voter will think when they find out what Tim Pawlenty stands for. Like taking ‘sharing’ out of the Minnesota state kindergarten curriculum because teaching the concept of sharing leads to socialism.”
“Sharing,” Polly argued, “is the thin end of the wedge. Teach a little child that, and the next thing you get is government-mandated health care insurance purchases! It’s a slippery slope, and it all starts with the idea that other people matter! Start believing that, and a welfare state is inevitable! Besides, there are plenty of other things that Tim Pawlenty stands for, like cutting taxes, cutting government spending and cutting government regulation!”
“Which makes him,” I inquired, “different in what way, from any other run-of-the-mill Republican randomly regurgitating Reaganomics?”
“His intensity,” Polly declared. “He’s going for it, big time! When Tim Pawlenty is President, it’s going to be a total blockbuster – huge tax cuts, stupendous spending cuts, and absolutely enormous, unprecedented cuts in government regulation!”
“The only time tax cuts, spending cuts and regulatory cuts were all tried together at the same time in significant amounts,” I pointed out, “was during the first Reagan administration, and the result was a very severe recession. So if the voodoo remedies Tim Pawlenty is suggesting for our national malady are actually administered in the heroic doses he recommends, it’s entirely possible that the cure will be worse than the disease. Indeed, it might even kill the patient.”
“It’s a growth agenda,” she railed back. “The simple truth is that markets work, and Barack Obama’s central planning doesn’t! The United States is still home to the most dynamic and entrepreneurial people in the world. Just because we followed Greece into democracy, that doesn’t mean we should follow it into bankruptcy, and Tim Pawlenty knows that! The United States has always followed its own path, culturally, politically… and economically! For two hundred and thirty-five years, it has been the American people who took the road less traveled – the road of liberty, the road of self-government, the road of free enterprise; and Tim Pawlenty knows that where we are is not who we are! We settled the West, we went to the moon, we lit the lamp of freedom for the entire world to see! Tim Pawlenty knows that this is the greatest nation that has ever been, a nation that liberated billions from Fascism, from Communism, from Jihadism…”
“Excuse me,” I interjected, “but, strictly speaking, ‘Jihadism’ isn’t really a word.”
“It’s a word if Tim Pawlenty uses it,” Polly sniffed, clearly overcome by the power of her own rhetoric. “Excuse me,” she muttered as she produced a large Kleenex from her purse and blew her nose with a resounding honk. “He’s… such a great man… sometimes I can’t help getting a little… choked up.”
“Then there are the social issues,” I mentioned as deftly as possible. “He’s anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-medical marijuana, anti-welfare, anti-gun control, anti-immigrant… the list is practically endless. And defining yourself in terms of what you are against isn’t usually the most solid winning strategy, even when the populous is angry and frustrated, because when they are like that, what they really want is hope and optimism. The bottom line is, while being against a whole lot of stuff that upsets people over sixty years of age who live in small towns in Republican districts might – and I emphasize the word ‘might’ very strongly in this analysis – get Tim Pawlenty the nomination, it’s not going to get him into that big white building over there, the one you keep staring at out the picture window. Not to put too fine a point on it, madame, but your challenge, it seems to me, is not how to develop name recognition for Tim Pawlenty, but rather, how to manage how the American people are going to perceive Tim Pawlenty after they do, in fact, develop that name recognition. I mean, really, think about it – his idea of tax reform is to make the Bush tax cuts permanent and give corporations a twenty percent break. His idea of how to handle unemployment and poverty is to turn responsibility for coping with them over to faith-based charities. His idea of how to deal with educational issues is to require the pledge of allegiance to the flag every morning in every school. His idea of foreign policy is to antagonize China. Face it, madame, if the general public gets wind of what this Tim Pawlenty character you and your like-minded colleagues have gone so ga-ga over is all about, they’re going to be figuring Michele Bachmann for a less dangerous alternative.”
“Michele Bachmann,” Polly reminded me with a defensive tone, “didn’t coin the word ‘Obamneycare,’ and I sincerely believe that ought to count for something, anyway.”
“Certainly,” I conceded. “And, since one good turn deserves another, allow me to coin the term ‘Pawlentymania’ as an appropriate characterization of your boss’s campaign platform.”
“’Pawlentymania?’” Polly’s face froze. “You think that’s… clever or something?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I mused, “how about ‘Tim-mensia?’ Or perhaps ‘Tim-mented?’ Ah yes, ‘Tim-mented Pawlentymania,’ that’s the ticket. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Rather rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?”
Polly’s complexion went ashen white. “Um… could I maybe come back next week?”
“Certainly,” I assured her. “And at no extra charge, of course.”
“Even if I come back representing… Jon Huntsman… Ron Paul… Michele Bachmann… Mitt Romney… or… even… Herman Cain?”
“Oh, well,” I backpedaled, “in that case, no, I couldn’t, in good conscience, bill the Pawlenty organization; I’d have to bill the… other candidate’s campaign… whichever one that was… instead.”
“Understood,” Polly murmured as she stood and prepared to leave. “But… which of them would you recommend, anyhow? I mean, which one would be worth working for a hundred hours a week for sixteen solid months on the chance I might end up a member of the White House staff?”
“Unfortunately madame,” I advised her as I solemnly extended my right hand, “what the debate last Monday proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that not a damn one of them is worth two hoots in Hades.”
“I see,” she whispered as she shook my hand. “Is that because… you think they’re… like… evil or something?”
“No,” I confided, “I don’t think they’re evil.”
“Then what,” she implored as she let go of my hand, “do you think they are?”
“In a word?” I asked.
“Yes,” she confirmed.
“Stupid.”
Her eyes went wide. “Stupid?”
“Yes,” I confirmed, “as H. Ross Perot once said, ‘It’s just that simple.’”