At the crack of dawn yesterday, I conducted a telephone consultation with Nancy Pelosi, Minority Leader of the United States House of Representatives.
Pelosi: Hello? Tom Collins?
Tom: Madame Leader, it is indeed an honor, as usual, to speak with you.
Pelosi: Well, I know for a fact you say the same kind of things to people like Bashar al-Assad, so I hope you’ll forgive me, as usual, for taking that with a grain of salt.
Tom: As long as it’s Celtic gray Atlantic sea salt from Brittany, ma’am, so ordered without objection. How can I help you this unseasonably sweltering spring day?
Pelosi: Okay, Tom, I concur – at the rates you charge, there’s not much time for cordial pleasantries.
Tom: Golly gosh gee willikers, Madame Leader, I had no idea the Democratic National Committee was so short on funds.
Pelosi: Oh, quit pulling my leg, Tom, you know as well as I do that thanks to President Obama, at the moment we have considerably more money than the Republicans. Look, the reason I called is, everybody knows you’re the smartest person inside the Beltway…
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Pelosi: Baltimore? Now there’s a city that knows how to deliver Democratic votes! All I can say is, I just wish America had more states like Maryland.
Tom: Actually, the only things that make Maryland a bastion of liberal Democrat power are Baltimore and the Washington suburbs. You must be aware, I’m sure, that the rest of the state is crawling with every flavor of conservative wing nut from the TEA Party to the Ku Klux Klan. As the adage goes, driving fifty miles from DC down Route 50 takes you back one hundred and fifty years.
Pelosi: Tell me about it. I’m from Baltimore. My father was mayor of Baltimore. But hey, look, now I’m from California, okay? And now, frankly, as long as the great state of Maryland delivers ten Democratic votes in the Electoral College every four years, no problem. Out here in California, we have Orange County and Bakersfield. Having seen both varieties, I’d say when it comes to conservative wing nuts, I’ll put ours up against the worst Maryland can offer – Eastern Shore, Western Shore, Tidewater, Piedmont or the Western Panhandle – bring ‘em on, I say. They’re a total piece of cake compared to what we have in the Golden State, believe me. Bottom line, as far as Maryland is concerned, I look at it this way – at least it’s not Virginia.
Tom: Truer words were never spoken, Madame Leader. If there’s one thing every Marylander hates worse than another Marylander who has different politics, a different skin color, a different culture or a different religion, it’s any kind of Virginian, and it’s been that way since before the Civil War… the English Civil War.
Pelosi: Like I said, Hon, tell me about it! That Ken Cuccinelli, he really burns my onion, and I don’t even live next door to him anymore! But anyway, what I called to talk to you about is Anthony Weiner.
Tom: To tell the truth, I figured as much.
Pelosi: Golly gosh gee willikers yourself, Tom Collins Martini, I should hope so! Let me tell you, we congressional Democrats in particular, and the national Democratic leadership in general, are madder than a flock of scalded chickens! Just thinking about how he’s messed things up for us in 2012 makes me want to… censure him… severely… in the Well of the House!
Tom: Whew! That’s a relief. I thought you were going to say thinking about him tweeting pictures of his genitals to strange women while his dear, betrayed wife – former presidential intern, favorite of the Clintons, key aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and scion of a highly influential Saudi Arabian family – is three months heavy with child, makes you want to wring Anthony Weiner’s scrawny Jew neck.
Pelosi: No! Absolutely not! I would never, ever say anything like that. Not even to another Italian!
Tom: Still, it’s obvious that Anthony Weiner is a morally challenged cad, and his inexcusably reprehensible behavior up to this point, including not only his unfortunately salacious conduct, but also his subsequent, obviously inadvisable cover-up and tasteless, vulgar abuse of the legitimate organs of the press are inarguably embarrassing, counterproductive and definitely regrettable.
Pelosi: A “morally challenged cad?” “Unfortunately salacious conduct?” “Definitely regrettable?” Are you kidding me? In less than two weeks, Congressman Anthony Weiner has gone from being one of the Democratic Party’s strongest assets to being the biggest millstone since the Ancient Mariner got that dead, stinking albatross tied around his neck!
Tom: And, I take it, he’s showed you no sign of heeding any calls to resign from his fellow Democrats? There have certainly been a significant number of them in the last couple of days – Representative Allyson Schwartz of Pennsylvania, former Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine, Senator Mark Pryor, Senator Patrick Leahy…
Pelosi: Yes, yes, I know; and no, he hasn’t. He just keeps insisting that he hasn’t done anything illegal.
Tom: In that case, there’s always the House Ethics Committee.
Pelosi: Which is where ethics investigations go to die – of old age. Those things take years! By the time they issue a ruling, Mitt Romney will be President.
Tom: Wow – you might as well have said, “Hell will have frozen over.”
Pelosi: Beats me, Hon; do Mormons believe in Hell? All right, maybe that’s not very likely. But who knows? The Republicans might talk Jeb Bush into running…
Tom: Oh, come now, you can’t be serious. The man’s last name is “Bush.” His family bankrupted the United States of America. Even the average independent voter isn’t that stupid. The resurrected zombie corpse of Harold Stassen would have a better chance.
Pelosi: Okay, okay, I’ll admit it. I know that even with the economy sputtering like a third-hand 1985 Yugo with two hundred and twenty thousand miles on the odometer, we Democrats haven’t seen one single, solitary Republican who has a better chance than Newt Gingrich of beating President Obama in 2012.
Tom: And, as we both know, Newt’s entire campaign staff is going to resign en masse in just a few hours.
Pelosi: And as you are fond of saying, Tom, QED. But as Tip O’Neill once reminded us, all politics is local, and if President Obama doesn’t have a big, honking Democratic House of Representatives steaming up behind him in his second term, America the Beautiful is going to get the short end of the stick.
Tom: Um… yeah… you haven’t been hanging out with Joe Biden lately, have you?
Pelosi: Ah… not too much… I hope. My point is, I guess, that right now, we Democrats want to focus public discourse on things like Medicare, where we can beat up on Paul Ryan for his crazy ideas, and leverage events like Nancy Hochul’s victory in New York to turn back the Republican tide at the congressional district level in 2012. But instead, Anthony Weiner has been providing the Republicans with cover, handing the media one juicy, salacious story after another. First the crotch shot with the underwear, then the cat-and-mouse game with the press, then that wet, drippy confession…
Tom: And nobody likes a wet, drippy Weiner.
Pelosi: Er… yeah, I guess not. And then there was that business with Andrew Breitbart on the Opie and Anthony radio show, where they supposedly “tricked” Breitbart into revealing a totally nude picture of Congressman Weiner, which now, of course, is all over the Internet, right there in front of God and everybody…
Tom: And nobody likes a Weiner that can’t stay inside the pants.
Pelosi: Ah… right. And to think, as recently as last month, Weiner was so useful to the Democrats.
Tom: Poking and prodding away at the Republicans.
Pelosi: Uh-huh.
Tom: Pushing firmly, yet smoothly, into the slick crevasses of their hypocrisy.
Pelosi: Um… yeah.
Tom: Relentlessly probing the depths of their mendacity.
Pelosi: Er… okay… um…
Tom: Knocking hard and fast on the very foundation of their inconsistency, valiantly and elegantly pounding in an ever-rising, throbbing crescendo of…
Pelosi: Yeah… uh… uh… uh… Tom, could you excuse me for a minute?
Tom: Sure.
Pelosi: [Inaudible]. [Three minutes and nineteen seconds elapse.] [Inaudible].
Tom: Hello? Madame Leader? Is there anything I can…
Pelosi: Hi, hi, hi, no, no, just fine, thanks. Now, where were we? Oh, yes, now I remember – Anthony Weiner has stepped out beyond the Pale. He’s got to go. There’s just no question about it.
Tom: But over sixty percent of his constituents say they don’t think he’s done anything illegal. And fifty-six percent of them want him to stay in office.
Pelosi: The American Democratic leadership doesn’t care what his constituents think. We’ve got to look at the big picture, and they aren’t in it.
Tom: All right then, we just finished the 2010 Census, and New York is going to lose two congressional districts due to reapportionment. Why not get rid of him that way?
Pelosi: Because that presents the same problem as dumping him with an Ethics Committee investigation – reapportionment wouldn’t take effect until 2012. It would be too late. The Republicans would have over a year of beating us up about Weiner spanking his monkey while tweeting with Zumba instructors and porn stars. By then, up against Anthony Weiner, they’d have Larry Craig looking like Pope Benedict.
Tom: Ah… perhaps Pope John Paul II would be a better comparison.
Pelosi: Whatever. The fact is, things are really, really tough at the moment, and neither the Democratic Party or the United States of America has time for this kind of fatuous nonsense. But he won’t resign, and, much as we’d like to, we can’t tar and feather that snotty little S.O.B. and ride him out of town on a rail. So tell me – how do we get rid of Anthony Weiner?
Tom: Have you considered toilet-papering his house?
Pelosi: Hmm… no, we can’t do that. It would be cruel to his wife. She’s very proud of their home.
Tom: Flaming paper bags of dog poop on his front porch?
Pelosi: Well… not bad. I suppose we could try it – but only when we’re sure he’s there alone.
Tom: How about you have your operatives text him that nude photo about three hundred times a day?
Pelosi: One thing about that idea, it would certainly keep him too busy to get into any more trouble. But I’m not convinced it would demoralize him, though. In fact, given his narcissistic personality, he might even find it… encouraging.
Tom: How about if it turns out that one of his… digital consorts… was… underage? Seventeen or thereabouts?
Pelosi: Oh, well, then, of course, Congressman Anthony Weiner would be complete toast!
Tom: Okay.
Pelosi: Omigod! You mean, you think you can arrange that?
Tom: Well, let me see what I can do.
Pelosi: Excellent! Thanks, Tom. If you succeed, the American people will owe you a great debt.
Tom: And the Democratic Party already owes me a great debt for this consultation.
Pelosi: Not to worry, Mr. Martini, your check’s in the mail.
Tom: Oh, right – one of the Four Best Lies in Washington, DC.
Pelosi: Really? What are the other ones?
Tom: “The copier is broken,” “The network is down,” and “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.”
Pelosi: Tom Collins Martini, you need a vacation.
Tom: Madame Leader, I couldn’t agree more if my security clearance depended on it. Got to run now, though, to work out that… arrangement; so goodbye.
Pelosi: And good luck!