Bright and early this morning, I engaged in my second telephone consultation with Donald Trump, which his personal assistant booked for him on Monday via a call to my personal assistant, Gretchen.
“What the hell,” she asked me shortly after informing me of the appointment, “do you suppose he wants now?”
“My guess,” I ventured, “would be some advice on the upcoming presidential debate on December twenty-seventh.”
“Huh?” Gretchen’s bright blonde eyebrows shot up into miniature McDonald’s Golden Arches. “I thought he quit running for president last May – two days after the last time he talked to you.”
“Oh, no,” I assured her, “don’t worry about that. He hasn’t re-entered the race, and he won’t be debating other Republican candidates.”
“So what,” she interrupted, “is he going to do?”
“Run the debate himself,” I explained. “Furthermore, he’s announced that if he doesn’t like what he hears, then afterward, he’s going to declare himself a third-party, independent candidate.”
“Not that it’s any of my business,” Gretchen commented, “but the very idea of Donald Trump moderating a Republican presidential debate strikes me as just about the most asinine idea I’ve heard since you told me he was running for president in the first place.”
“Well, ‘Asinine’ is Donald Trump’s middle name,” I observed, “so it’s certainly not unexpected.”
“That’s strange,” Gretchen mused as she typed away at her workstation keyboard, “because it says here on Wikipedia that his middle name is John.”
Trump: Collins? Tom Collins?
Tom: At your service, sir. To what do I owe the honor of this telephone call?
Trump: I was thinking about your ideas for when I’m president – the JumboTrons at my inauguration, flying a giant American flag on a pole twice the height of the Washington Monument located on the Ellipse, turning the Museum of the American Indian on the Mall into a casino – all that stuff, and figured you’re just the person to call for advice about how I should run this Republican candidate presidential debate I’ve got scheduled.
Tom: I’ve extremely complimented that the most intelligent person who has ever lived chose me to provide input into the planning for such a significant and momentous event.
Trump: You should be. Donald J. Trump does not ask very many people for any kind of advice.
Tom: I am well aware to of that, Donald.
Trump: “Donald?” Where do you get off calling me “Donald?”
Tom: Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Trump. When we spoke last May, you said I should call you that.
Trump: I did?
Tom: Yes, sir.
Trump: You’re sure?
Tom: Absolutely.
Trump: Hmmm. I see. Okay, then, since I’m never wrong, it inevitably follows, logically, as day follows night, that you can go ahead and keep calling me “Donald.”
Tom: Thanks.
Trump: You’re welcome. Now, what I want is, your ideas about what questions I should ask the candidates.
Tom: Certainly. Who’s coming?
Trump: Excuse me?
Tom: I understand that Ron Paul, John Huntsman and Mitt Romney have announced they won’t be attending…
Trump: Oh yeah? You know what I say? I say, if they don’t want to come to my debate, then they don’t deserve to be president!
Tom: Perfectly understandable. So therefore, I assume, since Herman Cain has withdrawn, we’re left with Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum.
Trump: Okay, let’s go with that.
Tom: Very well, then, in that case, obviously, abortion would be an interesting issue to pursue with those particular individuals. I think you should ask Rick Perry if his daughter Sydney became pregnant during a rape by a huge, hulking, midnight-black buck Mandingo and the prenatal tests show it was going to be a male who was going to grow up to be a Muslim terrorist, would he be in favor of her having an abortion?
Trump: Okay. How about Santorum?
Tom: You essentially ask him the same question concerning his daughter Elizabeth – but change it up. Instead of a huge, hulking, midnight-black buck Mandingo, make the rapist a misguided gay Catholic priest who was trying to turn straight by having sex with a female, and the prenatal tests show that the kid is going to grow up to be a raving feminist lesbian who’s going to get pregnant by an unknown gay father at a turkey baster party and bear him a grandchild that grows up to be a Muslim terrorist.
Trump: Interesting. Gingrich?
Tom: Ask him if his latest secret mistress got pregnant and it looked like the story was going to hit the media before the 2012 election, and the prenatal tests show that the kid is going to grow up to be a socialist United States senator who wants to tax capital gains at forty percent, would he be in favor of an abortion?
Trump: Intriguing. Bachmann?
Tom: Ask her if she would adopt the children whom the prenatal tests showed will grow up to be a Muslim terrorist, a feminist lesbian, and a socialist who wants to tax capital gains at forty percent.
Trump: I see the pattern. But wait a minute here – is it, in fact, scientifically possible for prenatal tests to show whether the fetus is going to pop out and grow up to be some kind of a towel-head suicide bomber, a nut-cracking dyke, or a tax-and-spend, job-creator-hating pinko?
Tom: Ah yes – there’s the beauty part. The last thing any of these people know or care about is what’s scientifically possible.
Trump: Understood. What else?
Tom: The economy. Ask Newt Gingrich if he were president, would he introduce a legislative program which includes a minimum wage for full-time thirteen-years-and-younger child labor, and, if so, would it be the same amount per hour as that for adults; or more; or less? Ask Rick Perry if he would he draft and sign an executive order directing the Justice Department to immediately deport illegal immigrants found to be taking jobs away from Americans in the oil, steel, longshore, teamster and carpentry trades; and if not, why not; and, if so, for which other illegal immigrants, stealing which American jobs, would he mandate immediate deportation? Ask Michele Bachmann if the United States should abolish the Federal Reserve Bank, return to the gold standard, and eliminate the Internal Revenue Service; if not, why not; if so, how would she fund the Department of Defense, and how does she know her plan to do so would be adequate?
Trump: Santorum?
Tom: Ask him to define inflation, then explain why it’s either good or bad for the American economy. If it’s good, what’s his plan to increase it; if it’s bad, what’s his plan to stop it?
Trump: Inflation. Yeah, I’ve heard of that. It’s an issue for who, specifically?
Tom: Not for you, of course, but a lot of voters on fixed incomes are concerned about it.
Trump: Really? Which ones?
Tom: Old people on Social Security, mostly, which brings us to domestic policy, and, speaking of which – ask Newt Gingrich if he knew of a little girl with kidney failure whose parents didn’t have health insurance, would he tell them to dump her at a city hospital and hope for the best; pay for her treatment out of his own pocket; or, if neither of those alternatives, what kind of health system would he, as president, advocate which would avoid such a situation?
Trump: Yeah, I like that – dramatic dilemma and stuff. Good television. Santorum?
Tom: Ask him if the federal government should sell the Interstate Highway System to the highest bidders so it can be turned into a network of toll roads, or keep it under federal auspices and spend billions of taxpayer money repairing its crumbling infrastructure. And if the former, how much of a reduction in the federal excise tax on gasoline and diesel fuel would he advocate? And if the latter, how can he reconcile such a stance with his vehement anti-tax position?
Trump: Ahh… a little bit wonky, you know? But yeah, a question like that… it’s got… what’s the word… oh yeah… credibility, that’s it. A question like that could give the whole debate some… uh, policy depth. But let’s not overdo it, okay? Bachmann?
Tom: Ask her if she would advocate amendments to the United States Constitution which would, (a) ban burning the American flag as an expression of protest; (b) ban teaching of the theory of evolution as an established fact, not just a theory; or, (c) establish the United States of America as a nation founded on Christian principles. And if not, why not?
Trump: All right! That’s more like it! Perry?
Tom: Ask him if, as president, he would endorse an amendment to the Constitution of the United States that affirms the right of any state to secede from the Union if a majority of its legislature votes and ratifies to do so and the governor of that state signs such legislation; and, if not, how does he reconcile that position with his previous statements that Texas has a right to secede; and, if so, what would be his position with respect to that state as a foreign power?
Trump: Nice.
Tom: Which, of course, brings us around to foreign policy in general, so I would recommend you stay on Perry and pivot on that question. No matter what his reply, go right for it and ask him – does he know who the president of Uzbeki-beki-stan-stan is?
Trump: That sounds like a total fluff question to me.
Tom: Because everybody knows that the president of Uzbeki-beki-stan-stan is Carnac the Magnificent?
Trump: Yeah, sure, everybody knows that, I mean, even Herman Cain knows that.
Tom: Everybody? That’s the point! Does Rick Perry? Don’t forget, when he was asked to list three federal departments he would eliminate, should he become president, when he responded, he couldn’t remember the Department of Energy. Think about what a TV Moment it could be, with Rick Perry standing there stammering…
Trump: Yeah, that’s brilliant, even if I do say so myself. All right, sure, that’s why I called you. Okay, next – foreign policy, give me Newt Gingrich.
Tom: Ask him how many jobless, homeless Americans have to die of exposure, starvation and preventable diseases related to poverty before the United States will use the formidable might of our armed forces to take the necessary actions against our foreign economic enemies.
Trump: Oh, I love that one – it’s so… ambiguous.
Tom: Ambiguity is the essence of foreign policy.
Trump: Sounds profound. Who said that?
Tom: Near as I can tell, I did. Now, for Santorum, I’d say you should ask him whether the United States should balance our trade deficit by paying off the Chinese in (a) precious metals; (b) patent rights; (c) rice; or, (d) “happy ending” massages delivered by the US Girl Scouts.
Trump: Damn, that’s clever – no easy choices there! I can’t wait to see him squirm! Bachmann?
Tom: Ask her if she has changed her mind on closing the United States Embassy in Iran.
Trump: I don’t understand. Why would that make an impression?
Tom: The United States hasn’t had an embassy in Iran since 1980.
Trump: No kidding? How come?
Tom: No need to worry about that – just ask her. I guarantee a very, very awkward silence, during which you can make any snide, condescending, supercilious remark you wish.
Trump: Really? Sweet! Got any more?
Tom: Got a million of them. But rather than consume more of your valuable time, I’d recommend that I prepare a couple of hours worth and e-mail them to your personal assistant.
Trump: Yeah, sure, you do that. Bill me.
Tom: No problem. Enjoy.
Trump: Right. Goodbye.