While I’m sure most of this Web log’s readers who live in the United States and Europe know about teleconferencing, for the benefit of those in other parts of the world where the practice is not common, what you do is, you pick up your telephone and enter the number of a “bridge” – sort of a robotic non-person who accepts everybody’s calls – then enter an access code. Doing so routes you to an invisible conference room, where the sound of a bell or gong announces the arrival and departure of each participant.
That’s what I did yesterday in order to engage in a teleconference with Mitt Romney and his campaign’s principal field political assistant, Joe Wall.
[Ding!]
Wall: Hello? Hello? This is Joe Wall. Anybody there?
Tom: Hello, this is Tom Collins.
Wall: Oh, hi, Tom. Governor?
Tom: He’s not here yet.
Wall: Probably dealing with some unexpected campaign brushfire. He’s incredibly busy, you know. Just getting a few minutes to discuss this issue with him was a real challenge in itself.
Tom: I can imagine. Congratulations on winning Ohio.
Wall: Thanks. That was a tough one. We edged out Santorum by just eight tenths of one percent. If he’d spent the kind of money there that we did, I shudder to think…
[Ding!]
Romney: Hello? Hello? Anybody there?
Wall: Yes, Governor. It’s me, Joe Wall. I’m here with Tom Collins, that fellow I told you about.
Romney: The consultant?
Wall: Yes, him. Governor, as I mentioned to you earlier last week, what with the run up to the general election coming down the pike, we need to talk about campaign merchandise.
Romney: Well, as I already told you, we have plenty of funding, but, on the other hand, I realize the important role campaign merchandise can have in getting a candidate’s name before the public, building the campaign brand, representing the candidate’s key differentiating concepts, making the candidate a part of the everyday lives of the voters, establishing a normative mileu, signifying…
Wall: Yes, yes, Governor. Exactly.
Romney: And, gee, well, just take a look at what we have already: Romney bumper stickers, Romney campaign buttons, Romney photo buttons, Romney yard signs, Romney T-shirts, Romney polo shirts… uh…. Romney sweat shirts, Romney baseball caps… ah… Romney stocking caps, Romney water bottles… um… a Romney toddler suit… and… uh…
Wall: The same kind of merchandise that any self-respecting candidate for city council in New York, Chicago or Los Angeles would offer, Governor. But have we given any thought to what additional merchandise the Romney campaign ought to sell? The way I see it, sir, the Romney campaign needs bold new ideas for merchandise items that represent what we stand for.
Romney: Very well then, let’s discuss this deeply. What are the key issues, as you see them?
Wall: Governor, first of all, when I look at the Obama Web site, I what jumps out at me is that he has very significant designer representation. The Obama campaign has Vera Wang, Marc Jacobs, Rachel Roy, Monique Péan, Jason Wu, Jack McCollough and Laza…
Romney: Okay, how about this – can we commission a line of a designer dresses with Romney branding?
Wall: Any suggestions, Tom?
Tom: You might try asking Karl Lagerfeld. He’s very… flexible and pragmatic, politically speaking.
Romney: And I was thinking, maybe a white diamond tiara and necklace in a platinum setting with blue sapphires and red rubies.
Wall: Tom, what do you think?
Tom: Ah, well, given the concept, I would suggest the Romney logo set discreetly into the necklace clasp.
Wall: Yeah, yeah, that’s it – something to go with the Romney campaign branded designer dress. But by whom?
Tom: Oh… John Hardy, Sydney Evan, Roberto Coin, Frederic Sage, Paolo Costagli, Marco Bicego… I’m sure one of them would be delighted to get the work.
Romney: And a handbag? I bet you could go a little bit larger with the Romney logo on a designer handbag.
Wall: A Christian Louboutin, Chloe, Brera or Valentino would fit nicely.
Romney: Plus, we could sell matching shoes – Gucci, Bottega Veneta, Manolo Blahnik, Yves Saint Laurent or something – made in the Romney campaign colors! Hey Joe, can’t you see Ann in an outfit like that at the Inaugural Ball?
Wall: Oh, yeah, and she’d look fabulous, too!
Tom: Ah… yes… How about some Romney logo deck shoes?
Romney: Oh, yeah, sure! For folks to wear on their yachts! Now why didn’t I think of that? Who do we go to for those?
Wall: Oh, I know! That’s obvious – Prada!
Romney: Well, I wish every question in my campaign was so easy to answer. Now, what else? Oh, oh… I know – hand made Romney logo silk ties! Think we could get Armani or Hermès to whip some of those?
Tom: If not them, check with Burberry.
Wall: And with summer coming up, why not some Romney branded swim wear?
Romney: Oh, I know, I know – Etro men’s trunks with the Romney logo! Think we could get Gaultier or Balmain to do a nice, tasteful women’s bathing suit that doesn’t show too much skin? And Romney-logo sunglasses! Who should we get – Dior, Fendi, Givenchy, Balenciaga?
Tom: Ask them all and go with the first one who says yes.
Wall: Okay, good strategy. Obama’s got cuff links…
Romney: We’ll get David Yurman…
Tom: You’d have better luck with Salvator Ferragamo or Jan Leslie, but actually, I’d recommend trying Perry Black first. He’s already done Ronald Reagan cuff links.
Romney: Okay then, Perry Black goes to the front to the line, obviously.
Wall: Obama’s even got pet accessories covered, you know. Dog sweaters, doggie bandanas…
Romney: Louis Vuitton does those! Let’s get him to create a whole line of Romney campaign branded pet outfits.
Tom: If he won’t do it, I’m sure either Coach or Dolce and Gabbana will.
Wall: Obama’s got these neat lapel pins, too. One for every state.
Romney: Got that one nailed – Oscar de la Renta. Any time I ask women who did their brooches or pins, it’s always him.
Wall: Okay, Romney lapel pins by Oscar de la Renta.
Romney: And what else?
Tom: Well, Obama has hoodies…
Romney: What’s a hoodie?
Tom: It’s a kind of sweatshirt with a hood on it.
Romney: Where would we get those?
Tom: I think you could get Brunello Cucinelli to do one for you.
Romney: Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of him.
Tom: If not him, try John Varvatos or Ermenegildo Zegna.
Romney: Yeah, yeah, I really like that guy Zegna’s shirts.
Tom: All this is very interesting, but… um… have you considered something more… accessible to the… ah… ordinary voter? After all, if you’re going to beat Obama in the general election next November, you’re going to need them too. The Obama campaign, for instance, has an insulated drink can holder…
Romney: No, no, can’t do that. No drink holders. They might be used for beer or sodas with caffeine in them. I’m a Mormon, you know, and we don’t drink alcohol or caffeine.
Tom: So – no coffee cups?
Romney: No.
Tom: Not even if you call them “hot beverage cups” instead of “coffee mugs?”
Romney: No, I can’t run the risk that somebody might be seen drinking coffee or tea out of a Romney for President mug.
Tom: In that case, what are you going to serve visiting foreign dignitaries when they attend White House dinners? Do you really think it would be a good idea to serve the President of France sparkling apple cider or pour Buckler for the German ambassador?
Romney: I’ll address that question with the State Department Chief of Protocol after I move into the White House.
Tom: Be that as it may, I believe it would be advisable to consider some additional campaign merchandise aimed at ordinary people. Suppose we examine what your adversary has in that category, things like Obama-branded iPhone covers.
Romney: An eye-phone? What’s that, some kind of phone ordinary people wear over their eye?
Tom: No, Governor. The iPhone is a very popular kind of cell phone made by the Apple computer company. The Obama campaign offers four kinds of covers for them – white and navy Obama rising sun logo, red-white-and-blue Obama-Biden, and navy Obama-Biden.
Romney: And ordinary people cover up their iPhones, and Obama has four of these covers?
Tom: Correct.
Romney: Hmmm. How about a Romney-branded golf bag? In five or six different color schemes? Joe – do you think we could get Callaway to make them for us?
Tom: Frankly, Governor, I was thinking more along the lines of a Romney-logo mouse pad.
Romney: What? Ordinary people own mice?
Tom: No, no, governor – a “mouse” is a device used to operate a computer. It lets you point at things on the screen. To do that, you need to move it around. A mouse pad is what you move the mouse device around on.
Romney: Oh. I don’t know. Joe?
Wall: That’s a possibility, Governor. There are lots old mouse pads out there folks could replace with an advertisement for you.
Romney: Well, in that case, all right, let’s consider some of those… mouse pad thingies, then.
Tom: Obama has refrigerator magnets, too.
Romney: What in the world do ordinary people do with a magnet and a refrigerator?
Tom: They use them to stick things to the refrigerator door.
Romney: What?
Tom: They take something, usually paper, like one of their children’s report cards or drawings or something like that, and they use the fact that refrigerator doors are steel to make the paper stick on the door by placing a refrigerator magnet on it.
Romney: They do?
Tom: Yes, and refrigerator magnets are great ways to advertise things – the local paper, the plumber, local real estate agents, the local lawn care service, all kinds of things.
Romney: So my campaign logo – and my name – would be up there on people’s refrigerator doors along with the plumber and the lawn care service?
Tom: Sure.
Romney: I don’t know – I’m going to have to think about that one.
Tom: I understand. How about a Romney band set?
Romney: Huh?
Tom: The Obama campaign has a band set that consists of three eight and one half inch by one half inch stretchable silicone bands in white, blue and black. It’s sort of like your idea for a designer dress based on the Romney campaign colors, but people only have to pay ten dollars for it.
Romney: Ten dollars? That’s chicken feed!
Tom: Well, it’s not much money, but the margin is incredible. The bands only cost about twenty-five cents, total.
Romney: Wow! How in the world did a Socialist like Barack Obama come up with that?
Tom: Well, he’s pretty shrewd for a Commie pinko Democrat, sir. He’s raising millions in profit from those band sets, and your campaign could, too.
Romney: Okay, you’ve got my attention. But tell me, what do ordinary people do with these band sets?
Tom: They wear them on their wrists, generally.
Romney: They wear three colored silicone bands that cost them ten bucks on their wrists? What are they, nuts?
Tom: Think of it like wearing a poppy on Veterans’ Day. Sure, the poppy didn’t cost you a lot of money, but it symbolizes something. Or like wearing a campaign pin, but more subtle. It’s like that.
Romney: Oh, all right, in that case, now I get it. Okay, let’s consider some of those silicone bands, Joe.
Wall: I was looking at… ahem… the Newt Gingrich site, and although most of his merchandise is nowhere near as good as what we have now, there was one item there – for five bucks, you can get fifty Contract with America flyers. Well, you know how excited everyone in the campaign office gets when you read your fifty-three point economic recovery plan? I was thinking, what if we printed that up and offered it in packs of twenty-five, fifty or one hundred copies?
Romney: Now there’s the best idea I’ve heard so far! What do you think, Tom?
Tom: Well, you could offer it, but I’m not so sure you’ll be pleased with the sales figures.
Romney: Don’t think so?
Tom: No, not really. But I notice that Santorum’s campaign is offering a key chain. How about that?
Romney: Key chain, Joe?
Wall: Sure, I guess so. Kind of hard to believe we missed that one.
Tom: Well, everybody has key chains.
Wall: Yeah, that’s probably it. And Ron Paul has an iPad case…
Romney: Okay… what’s that?
Tom: It’s a case for a small portable computer that ordinary people have, Governor.
Romney: Is it bigger or smaller than one of those iPhones?
Tom: Bigger.
Romney: Humph. Leave it to Ron Paul to try and outdo Obama.
Tom: Ron Paul outdid everybody, I think. There are one hundred and thirty four pages of merchandise on his Web site. You can even buy Ron Paul post cards. I mean, who uses post cards anymore? Ron Paul tube socks, Ron Paul bath mats, Ron Paul Christmas ornaments…
Romney: Hey, wait a minute! I like that! People could buy them to decorate their Christmas trees with to celebrate my victory in November. Joe – what do you think – Tiffany, maybe?
Wall: Absolutely – Mitt Romney Presidential Christmas ornaments by Tiffany. Boss, you’re a genius.
Romney: Yeah, I know. Now, if we can just get enough voters to realize that, too, then we can save the United States of America.
Tom: Um… how about a Romney for President beach towel?
Wall: Great idea, Tom! We’ll get rights to reproduce Jon McNaughton’s One Nation Under God over the slogan “Romney 2012” in a banner on the bottom! I can just see them – all over the beaches this Labor Day!
Tom: Uh, sure, right. Okay, I’ve got a call from Benjamin Netanyahu coming in, so I’ll leave you gentlemen to work out the details.
Romney: Okay, thanks, Tom!
Wall: ‘Bye!
[Ding!]