Thursday morning, Gretchen booked Governor Robert Francis “Bob” McDonnell for a telephone consultation. Friday afternoon, he called:
McDonnell: Hello? Tom Collins?
Tom: This is he, Governor.
McDonnell: It’s a pleasure to speak with you, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Call me Tom, please, Governor.
McDonnell: Oh, okay, Tom.
Tom: To what do I owe the honor of this telephone call, Governor?
McDonnell: Call me Bob.
Tom: Sure. So what’s up, Bob?
McDonnell: Well, as you may know, until recently, I was on the short list of 2016 Republican presidential contenders.
Tom: You were one of the brightest lights in the conservative movement, Bob – former crusading anti-libertine Virginia Attorney General, deliverer of the Republican response to Obama’s State of the Union speech, chairman of the Republican Governors Association, anti-abortion, pro-states’ rights and big advocate of guns…
McDonnell: Love ‘em, no doubt about it…
Tom: Bane of gays…
McDonnell: It’s unnatural. If God wanted men to mate, He would have made men so they could have babies, wouldn’t He?
Tom: Major advocate of traditional family values…
McDonnell: Marriage is between one man and one woman, and that’s it – no cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators allowed!
Tom: Champion of law and order…
McDonnell: Man’s basic nature is inclined towards evil, and when the exercise of liberty takes the shape of pornography, drug abuse, or homosexuality, the government must restrain, punish, and deter. It’s only logical.
Tom: Scourge of the unions…
McDonnell: Virginia was, is, and will forever remain a right-to-work state!
Tom: Staunch defender of big business…
McDonnell: You have to be! That’s why they call me “Bob Jobs” McDonnell!
Tom: Vocal advocate of off-shore drilling…
McDonnell: And fracking, too, I might add!
Tom: And a person of completely pure, totally uncompromised, utterly untainted Northern European ancestry.
McDonnell: That, too!
Tom: It’s no wonder conservatives all over the nation, as well as the Commonwealth of Virginia, were absolutely enthralled with you.
McDonnell: Yes, but no more.
Tom: I know. How sad.
McDonnell: And that’s why I called you.
Tom: I’m flattered, of course. Might I ask where you got my number?
McDonnell: Ken Cuccinelli gave it to me. He said he’d spoken with you previously.
Tom: Ken Cuccinelli gave you my number? Recently?
McDonnell: Oh, no, he gave it to me last year. Back when we were on speaking terms. Now, I don’t think he’d give me the time of day in a watch factory.
Tom: Considering the circumstances, probably not. Speaking of watches, aren’t you accused of taking a $6,500 Rolex from Jonnie Williams, the CEO of Star Scientific, the dietary supplement manufacturer?
McDonnell: People have said that, yes.
Tom: I hope you will pardon my frankness, Bob, but $6,500 is a mighty cheap Rolex.
McDonnell: I know, which is why I can’t figure what all the fuss is about. Now, if it had been one of those $50,000 platinum jobs or something like a Patek Philippe Celestial, I could see it, but $6,500? Why heck, a little old Jaeger-LeCoultre, or some no-account Bulgari Ergon cost more than that! And this silly business about my children raiding the refrigerator at the Executive Mansion! Can you believe it? What father with kids off at college hasn’t seen them plunder the pantry like ravished Visigoths for cold cuts, mayonnaise, mustard, catsup, Gatorade, Coke, Mountain Dew, Cap’n Crunch, Apple Jacks, Sugar Crisp, Froot Loops, Rice Krispies, Cocoa Puffs, pretzels, potato chips, peanut butter, microwave popcorn, Cheez Whiz, Tastykakes, Chex Mix, Honey Buns, Moon Pies, Slim Jims, Cheetos, soap, deodorant, paper towels, laundry detergent and toilet paper every time they come home to visit? I mean, come on, now, every family sends their children back to college like that!
Tom: It’s practically universal, I’m sure.
McDonnell: But me, because I’m governor of Virginia, I had to write a check for $2,000! Plus another $400 for stuff my daughter took to go to the beach! What was she supposed to do, pay those outrageous prices they charge in those stores behind the boardwalk? She was a college student!
Tom: Definitively a persuasive argument, Bob, no doubt about it.
McDonnell: And that cook! What stinker he turned out to be!
Tom: Oh, you mean, Todd Schneider, your former chef who claims you required him to cater political fund-raisers and private parties for you and then paid him with food taken from the Executive Mansion instead of cash?
McDonnell: Yeah, him.
Tom: Well, speaking of catering, how about that $15,000 catering bill for your daughter’s wedding that it’s alleged you received from Jonnie Williams?
McDonnell: That was gift for my daughter, not me, and under the laws of Virginia, the governor is not responsible for gifts people make to his relatives.
Tom: So the $10,000 Oscar De la Renta suede jacket, the two pairs of designer shoes, and the Louis Vuitton handbag Williams bought for your wife in New York don’t count, either?
McDonnell: Absolutely not.
Tom: And the $50,000 check Williams wrote to your wife back in 2011 – that’s also a gift to one of your relatives, from which you received absolutely no benefit?
McDonnell: Correct.
Tom: And the $36,000 your wife received in return for attending three meetings last year as a consultant to a charity run by a Virginia coal company, that was all completely legitimate, too?
McDonnell: From what I hear, Tom, your own rates demonstrate the kind of money a qualified consultant can charge. And now that you mention it, I understand your policy is to provide your first consultation… um…
Tom: Free of charge, that’s right, Bob.
McDonnell: Well, given my current predicament, that’s certainly a relief, because otherwise, all I could offer you would be some food and liquor from the Executive Mansion basement. Heh-heh.
Tom: You’re kidding, of course. Heh-heh.
McDonnell: Heh-heh, kidding, yes, of course. Heh-heh. But seriously, it would be tough for me to afford your advice on the measly $175,000 a year a get for being governor of Virginia.
Tom: At least you’re not governor of Maine – that only pays $65,000 a year.
McDonnell: Oh, gee, that poor devil. A decent plumber makes more than that. But you see what I’m talking about – here I am the governor of Virginia, and there’s a whole boatload of public expectations I have to fulfill, and the truth is, I make barely a fraction of what some K Street lobbyist, or someone like yourself, or…
Tom: Someone like Jonnie Williams, for instance, makes.
McDonnell: Right, which just goes to show you.
Tom: It certainly does, because Jonnie Williams’ company has lost money every year for the last decade. But despite that, Williams is apparently flush with cash – enough to buy your wife all those expensive gifts, for example. And, coincidentally, the Commonwealth of Virginia says Star Scientific owes about a million dollars in back taxes. But none of those things are connected in any way, right?
McDonnell: Not in any way, no way, no how! I’m a conservative Republican who stands foursquare for law and order, not to mention fiscal responsibility, governmental visibility and personal accountability!
Tom: But then how do you explain the Rolex?
McDonnell: Williams gave it to my wife!
Tom: Williams gave your wife a man’s Rolex?
McDonnell: It’s a unisex Rolex! It didn’t go with any of my wife’s outfits, so she gave it to me!
Tom: Oh, well, that explains everything, then.
McDonnell: I should hope so! The things you’re suggesting, Tom, those simply aren’t the kinds of things a conservative Republican like Bob McDonnell does. Those things, Tom, things like that, those are things people like Marion Barry, Jesse Jackson Jr. and Kwame Kilpatrick do!
Tom: Oh… right… you mean liberal Democrats, I presume?
McDonnell: What? Oh, yes, of course – liberal Democrats.
Tom: It’s liberal Democrats who get elected to high public office and proceed to take bribes, pilfer and engage in nepotism, then look for legal loopholes to excuse themselves when they get caught, not conservative Republicans like you.
McDonnell: Like me? Never! As I said, we conservatives know that people are basically evil, and consequently the government must deter, restrain and punish any and all crime!
Tom: So you don’t feel the least bit hypocritical about your current situation?
McDonnell: On the contrary, I feel persecuted! I absolutely cannot believe any of this is happening! What does the FBI think it’s doing, investigating Bob McDonnell? I’m one of the good guys!
Tom: Tragic.
McDonnell: And unfair – extremely unfair! Tell me Tom, how can I put an end to this madness? What do you think I should do?
Tom: Turns state’s witness against Williams. Order Cuccinelli to arrest him and…
McDonnell: Ah, Tom?
Tom: Yes?
McDonnell: Can you please… suggest… something else?
Tom: Williams knows too much, huh?
McDonnell: I never said that.
Tom: Of course you didn’t. I never said you said that.
McDonnell: Because I never did. And I never would, either.
Tom: I’m sure you wouldn’t. Ah… so Williams isn’t by any chance already cooperating with the FBI investigation, is he?
McDonnell: Just… please… suggest… something else.
Tom: Besides resigning?
McDonnell: Yes, of course, besides resigning!
Tom: Um… sure… okay… how about you start moonshining?
McDonnell: Moonshining?
Tom: Yeah, right there at the Executive Mansion. Set up a nice, old-fashioned traditional Virginia moonshine still. Load it up with cracked corn, sugar and well water. Then let it sit for a spell.
McDonnell: Wouldn’t that be against Virginia law?
Tom: No, not if you only do what I just described. In order to break the law, you’d have to light a fire under the still and start collecting the vapors with a condenser – doing that definitely would be against the law. But you don’t do that. What you do instead is call a press conference and use the moonshine still as an object lesson.
McDonnell: Oh, I get it! You mean, what happened with the designer clothes and the Rolex and the food in the Executive Mansion pantry and the wedding catering and all the other things, those were like me building a moonshine still, but just like with that still, I never lit a fire under it, so I never broke the law.
Tom: Correct.
McDonnell: And maybe some people disapprove of the Rolex, the clothes, the food, the wedding catering and so forth, just like maybe some people disapprove of a moonshine still, but if they don’t like it, they can mount a recall petition, or never vote for me again when I run for something like the US Senate in 2014 or President of the United States in 2016 or maybe 2020. But I’m not doing anything illegal with the moonshine still unless I light a fire under it and start condensing the alcohol, just like I didn’t do anything illegal concerning the Rolex, the clothes, the food, the wedding catering or anything else!
Tom: Exactly.
McDonnell: And you think that will put the people of Virginia behind me?
Tom: I’m certain you’ll agree with me, Bob, if there’s anything the people of Virginia can get behind, it’s a moonshine still.
McDonnell: Good point. Not that there aren’t other things they could get behind, like assault rifles, tobacco or the Confederacy.
Tom: Well, if a better object lesson for your press conference occurs to you along those lines, be my guest.
McDonnell: Hmmm… definitely some food for thought, there. All right then, I’ll let you go, Tom.
Tom: Nice chatting with you, Bob.
McDonnell: Yes, it was. Thanks a bunch!
Tom: You‘re welcome! ‘Bye!