Facebook Pot Calls NSA Kettle Black

Things keep hopping here in Washington, as Hamid Karzai kissing off Uncle Sam in his farewell address to the Afghan Parliament; Obama backing out on his new nominee for Surgeon General; the United States Attorney managing to convince a grand jury to indict an Indian Deputy Consul General along with the customary ham sandwich – and for the second time, no less; a mysteriously vanishing Malaysia Airlines 777 jetliner raising the hackles of diplomats all over town and, of course, the continuing Ukrainian crisis causing stomach ulcers and heart attacks in national capitals world wide, all did their respective parts to pack my schedule from well before dawn until far after sundown with distraught clients of every stripe.  I managed to carve a half hour out at noon on Friday, intending to grab a quick bite of sushi delivered from SEI over in Penn Quarter, but I had only managed to finish my second piece of ama ebi nigiri when I looked up to see Gretchen’s bright blonde hair and milk-white Pennsylvania Dutch face poking discreetly out between the heavy oak doors that lead from my office to the reception area.
“Mr. Collins,” she said, “Peekaboo is on Line Two.  She says she works for Facebook now, and needs to talk to you immediately.”
Ah, yes – Peekaboo, the California singer-songwriter with guitar I knew back in the day, before she gave up the leather jacket and Doc Martens for a career in Silicon Valley and I went off to DC to become a policy consultant. “Okay,” I sighed, “anything for an old girlfriend.”
“That’s so sweet of you, Mr. Collins,” Gretchen smiled.


Peekaboo: Hello, Tom?
Tom: Hi Peeks, what’s up?
Peekaboo: Did that girl tell you I work for Facebook now?
Tom: You mean Gretchen, my private secretary?  Yeah, of course she did – it was the first thing she said.
Peekaboo: All right then, I’m sure you can guess how totally awesome it is to work for Facebook right now.
Tom: Um… yeah… totally awesome, for sure.
Peekaboo: I mean, like, I’m getting paid mad crazy money and I get to see Mark Zuckerberg on practically a daily basis.
Tom: Uh… wow, I guess.
Peekaboo: You better guess “wow,” all right – plenty of people would [expletive] kill to get a job like mine!
Tom: I bet they would.
Peekaboo: They’d sell their mothers to Russian slave traders for a chance to work for Facebook at my level!
Tom: No doubt.
Peekaboo: Damn it, Tom, they’d pimp their kid sisters to Hollywood studio executives for a shot at my corner office here in Menlo Park!
Tom: A lot of people in California would pimp their kid sisters to Hollywood studio executives to get a lot of things.
Peekaboo: Oh, [expletive] it!  Tom Collins Martini, say you’re completely impressed with my absolutely awesome, totally hip, ridiculously remunerated, utterly enviable big-time high-technology Internet job right now!
Tom: Peekaboo, darling, I am completely impressed with your absolutely awesome, totally hip, ridiculously remunerated, utterly enviable big-time high-technology Internet job.
Peekaboo: Okay, that’s better.  Now, in order to keep it, I need to come up with some answers for Mark, and you’re going to give them to me – got that?
Tom: Yes, dear.
Peekaboo: Good.
Tom: So what’s the problem?
Peekaboo: Mark’s like, totally raged out to the max about what the government did to Facebook.
Tom: Oh, yeah – that.
Peekaboo: What do you mean, “oh, yeah – that?”  Don’t you know this is the most important thing happening right now?
Tom: Well, given my perspective here in Washington, I’d say that’s somewhat debatable, although…
Peekaboo: What!
Tom: As I was saying… although I’m sure that to you, it must seem like the most important thing happening anywhere.
Peekaboo: Well, it is!  Facebook is the most important thing anywhere, and we take that responsibility very seriously!  And last Thursday, Mark did a very, very important blog post about government interference with personal privacy on the Internet.
Tom: Really?  What did he say?
Peekaboo: Mark said, “As the world becomes more complex and governments everywhere struggle, trust in the Internet is more important today than ever.
“The Internet is our shared space.  It helps us connect.  It spreads opportunity.  It enables us to learn.  It gives us a voice.  It makes us stronger and safer together.
“To keep the Internet strong, we need to keep it secure.  That’s why at Facebook we spend a lot of our energy making our services and the whole Internet safer and more secure.  We encrypt communications, we use secure protocols for traffic, we encourage people to use multiple factors for authentication and we go out of our way to help fix issues we find in other people’s services.
“The Internet works because most people and companies do the same.  We work together to create this secure environment and make our shared space even better for the world.
“This is why I’ve been so confused and frustrated by the repeated reports of the behavior of the US government.  When our engineers work tirelessly to improve security, we imagine we’re protecting you against criminals, not our own government.
“The US government should be the champion for the Internet, not a threat. They need to be much more transparent about what they’re doing, or otherwise people will believe the worst.
“I’ve called President Obama to express my frustration over the damage the government is creating for all of our future.  Unfortunately, it seems like it will take a very long time for true full reform.
“So it’s up to us – all of us – to build the Internet we want.  Together, we can build a space that is greater and a more important part of the world than anything we have today, but is also safe and secure.  I’m committed to seeing this happen, and you can count on Facebook to do our part.”
Tom: You… memorized his blog post?
Peekaboo: Everybody here memorized it.  Everybody here memorizes everything Mark says.
Tom: I notice it mentions him calling President Obama.  How did that go?
Peekaboo: Um… right, come to think of it, maybe this ought to be my first question, since you grew up in New York and all.  What’s a fercocktet beheyme amoretz kholerye meshuggeneh shvartze putz?
Tom: Oy, gevalt!  He called Obama that?
Peekaboo: Uh-huh.  Right after he got off the phone with the White House.  What’s it mean?
Tom: I grew up in Little Italy, okay?  I’m not Jewish.
Peekaboo: Oh, come on, if you’re from New York City, you’re Jewish, whether you know it or not.  What’s it mean?
Tom: It means Mark Zuckerberg’s Aunt Naomi ought to wash his mouth out with soap, that’s what it means.
Peekaboo: I see.  Okay, so tell me what you know about the NSA’s QUANTUM program.
Tom: That I can tell you?
Peekaboo: What’s that supposed to mean?
Tom: That you’re not cleared to know anything about it.
Peekaboo: The geeks here at Facebook tell me it lets the NSA snoop on Web browsers, is that true?
Tom: Since I am, in fact, cleared to know what QUANTUM does, I can neither confirm nor deny that statement.
Peekaboo: Huh? 
Tom: What QUANTUM does is classified information.  I have a security clearance, and because I have a security clearance, I can’t discuss classified information with people who don’t have a security clearance.
Peekaboo: Even if that information has been leaked and posted on the Web for everybody to read?
Tom: Actually, federal law forbids people with security clearances from reading classified material about which they have no need to know.  So, for example, while you are free to read secret information Edward Snowden or Wikileaks posts on the Web, I am not, and I could go to federal prison for doing so.  And when, as it happens in the case of QUANTUM, I do have a need to know, it’s illegal for me to tell you whether what you read about it on the Web is true or not.
Peekaboo: Can I at least get a hint?
Tom: Nope.  Sorry, my lips are sealed.
Peekaboo: So you can’t give me the inside skinny on the Tailored Access Unit?
Tom: That’s right.
Peekaboo: You can’t confirm that GUMFISH can take over your webcam and snap pictures of you, or tell me if it’s true that FOGGYBOTTOM steals your browser log and passwords, or if CAPTIVATEDAUIDENCE can use my computer’s microphone to bug my home, or if GROK really logs every keystroke I make, or whether SALVAGERABBIT can upload my entire hard drive to an NSA data center while I’m connected to my ISP doing my e-mail?
Tom: Absolutely not.
Peekaboo: And you can’t confirm or deny that the NSA has been using Facebook to install all those programs on Facebook users’ computers?
Tom: Correct.
Peekaboo: And you won’t tell me if it’s true that the NSA can break into a Facebook server, or even create a fake Facebook server on a box running at the NSA?
Tom: Forget about it.  I wouldn’t tell you if you waterboarded me.
Peekaboo: Oh, great!  Here I go and tell Mark I have an ex who’s a policy consultant to all the hot [expletive] Washington insiders and he’s going to help us out and all I get from you is a bunch of stonewalling!  How’s that going to make me look?  Have you thought about that?  Come on, Tom!  Can’t you do anything for me here?  I mean, really, the NSA even has Senator Feinstein mad at them now!
Tom: No, she’s mad at the CIA, not the NSA.
Peekaboo: CIA, NSA, whatever – it’s all federal government spying, isn’t it?
Tom: No, Feinstein’s beef with the CIA is a constitutional issue about the separation of powers, not about breaking into people’s computers in general.  She’s just fine with the NSA breaking into your computers if it wants to.  What’s she’s steamed about is the CIA breaking into computers that belong to Congress, because the CIA is part of the Executive branch and that violates the separation of powers as expressed by Article I, Section 8, Clause…
Peekaboo: [Expletive] the United States Constitution!
Tom: That’s what some people think the NSA is saying.  Are you sure you mean that?
Peekaboo: Okay, okay, [expletive] talking about the United States Constitution, then, because that’s not getting us anywhere!  Listen, Tom, you don’t promise Mark Zuckerberg results and then not deliver them, understand?  You’ve got to give me something I can tell him I you told me!  
Tom: Oh, if that’s all you need, no problem.
Peekaboo: [Expletive], that’s a [expletive] relief!  What?
Tom: Four facts.  First, it’s a mid-term election year.  Second, Republicans do better in mid-term elections because fewer minorities, women and special interest voters turn out at the polls when there’s no presidential race going on.  Third, because of the Obamacare fiasco, the Democrats have lost all hope of taking over the House, and in fact, they’re afraid they might lose control of the Senate, too.  And fourth, because of all that, Obama desperately needs to be Liked.
Peekaboo: Well, yeah, sure, but so what?  Everybody needs to be liked.
Tom: No, not “liked,” Peekaboo.  I mean Liked.
Peekaboo: Oh, you mean, like Facebook Liked?
Tom: Yeah.  And who has access to all the data about everybody on Facebook?  And moreover, who has the power to control, manipulate and even… change that data?
Peekaboo: The [expletive] NSA!
Tom: Yeah, yeah, sure, but besides them?
Peekaboo: Oh… oh yeah, that’s right – we do!
Tom: And how do you think our dear President and his inner circle of Chicago mafia cronies would react if suddenly, a whole lot of people on Facebook didn’t Like Obama?
Peekaboo: Um… they’d [expletive] freak out?
Tom: Would they ever!  So, consider Fact Five: as President, Barack Obama is head of the Executive Branch and therefore the boss of the NSA.  Now – how about you do what the NSA and the CIA are supposed to do, but in fact very, very seldom manage to successfully accomplish.
Peekaboo: Um… er… uh… what’s that?
Tom: Connect… the… dots.
Peekaboo: Ah… oh, yeah, now I get it!  Right!  Oh, thank you, Tom, thanks so much!
Tom: You’re welcome.
Peekaboo: No, no, I really mean it, this is going to be like, huge for me, and I want you to know how totally grateful I am and…
Tom: My pleasure.  Got to go. 
Peekaboo: You do?  Why?
Tom: Because if I hang up now, I’ll still have ten minutes to eat lunch.
Peekaboo: Oh, oh, oh, Tom, I’m so, so sorry, and I am so, so, grateful and thanks again!  And I’ll be sure to mention your name to Mark!
Tom: Ah, yeah, you do that.  ‘Bye.