Last night, during intermission at a performance of Side Show at the Kennedy Center, Cerise and I were approached by Tolvan Lure, Esquire, well known Beltway legal wonk, who is an advisor both to the Republican National Committee and House Speaker John Boehner.
“Tom!” Lure exclaimed, “how are you doing?”
“Excellent,” I assured him, “enjoying the show?”
“Oh yeah,” he snickered, “it’s great – but watching those two women joined at the hip keeps reminding me of Obama and the special interest lobby! And speaking of Obama,” he continued moving closer and lowering his voice, “what do you think of John’s lawsuit?”
“You mean the one Boehner’s threatening to bring against the President?” Cerise inquired.
“That’s right,” he effused, “we’re going to drag Obama into federal court and expose his egregious misconduct and overreaching abuse of power!”
Cerise considered the idea while taking a sip of champagne, then asked, “Whose idea was this lawsuit, anyway?”
“Don’t tell anybody,” Lure confided with conspiratorial wink, “but, in fact, it was mine!”
“Oh, I see,” Cerise dryly replied. “Well then – congratulations on your… formidable imaginative powers.”
“Thanks,” Lure burbled, “John always said I think of the darndest things sometimes.”
“So it seems,” Cerise opined, turning to me. “What do you think of the idea, Tom?”
“My profession is policy analysis and consulting,” I remarked, “not law. But it appears to me that the theory of the case is that President Obama’s execution of his duties has caused severe, extensive and irreparable harm to Congress.”
“Precisely,” Lure affirmed. “It’s obvious that Obama exceeded his presidential authority as defined by the Constitution.”
“Could you explain, in what way he has done so?” I requested.
“By issuing Executive Orders that exercise dictatorial powers over the American people!” he hissed. “Making laws with stroke of his pen! By restricting commerce in the name of ‘environmental protection,’ mandating paid family leave that small businesses can’t afford, ordering minimum wages for workers on federal contracts in direct violation of state’s rights, promoting socialized medicine – even condoning homosexual marriage! That’s not what John Boehner and the Republicans in the House of Representatives believe in. As John so aptly put it earlier this week, we believe the House must act as an institution to defend the constitutional principles at stake and to protect our system of government and our economy from continued executive abuse!”
“Isn’t Obama just doing his job?” Cerise wondered.
“It’s not his job to act like an emperor!” Lure snarled. “The president doesn’t have the authority to arbitrarily change laws after he signs them into law and then change the dates in them, too!”
“But didn’t George W. Bush do the same kind of thing?” Cerise persisted. “And, as a matter of fact, considerably more often?”
“That,” Lure tartly pointed out, “is different!”
“How so?” Cerise demanded.
“George W. Bush,” Lure proclaimed, “isn’t some Kenyan communist Chicago Democratic machine politician like Obama! George W. Bush is a patriotic Texas Republican with a real birth certificate!”
“Who became President of the United States because of a lawsuit, and its subsequent settlement by the Supreme Court,” Cerise noted.
“Glad you mentioned that,” Lure retorted, “because Dubya became President of the United States via completely sanctioned and universally recognized Constitutional processes, and as it just so happens, this is all about the United States Constitution. The issue is, there has been a consistent presidential pattern of not enforcing laws, or changing laws that have been passed, taking power from the Legislative Branch. That’s a clear violation of Article I, the part of the Constitution that grants the exclusive power to make laws solely unto Congress. So when Obama unilaterally changes provisions of the Affordable Care Act, or raises the minimum wage for federal contractors, or broadens immigration and deportation policies beyond the intent of Congress, that’s actionable, plain and simple! What Obama’s done is clearly illegal, and furthermore…”
“Now wait just a moment,” Cerise interrupted. “This particular Congress, and the two before it – for a total of nearly six years so far – hasn’t done squat. And the reason, as anyone with half a brain can readily see, is that the Republicans spent the first four years doing everything they could to ensure Barack Obama was a one-term president. And after they failed miserably at that, they have spent every minute since the first Tuesday of November 2012 acting like a bunch of spoiled brat sore losers – all while completely ignoring the urgent needs of the United States of America and its citizens in favor of playing games with our nation’s lives, blood, future and treasure in order to promote your selfish, half-baked, outdated and reactionary political, social and economic philosophies. So can you please explain to me, sir, where you and your colleagues in the Republican Party get off criticizing Barack Obama for actually doing something?”
“The government which governs best,” Lure haughtily intoned, “is the government which governs least. Thomas Jefferson said that, and you can’t argue with Thomas Jefferson, now can you?”
“Actually,” Cerise pointed out, “there is no evidence Thomas Jefferson ever said that.”
“Oh, really?” Lure archly parried, “in that case, madame, who did?”
“Henry David Thoreau,” she smirked as his face turned bright crimson, “in defense of what today we would call syndico anarchism, at the very least. Say what you want about him, Thoreau could never be construed as a twenty-first century Republican of any type, I don’t think. And speaking of great men who lived during the nineteenth century, I bet your shenanigans have the first Republican President, Abraham Lincoln, spinning in his grave. Imagine, if he, the man who abolished slavery and gave freed slaves the right to vote, were to return now, and see Republicans weeping and wailing that black voters in Mississippi crossed over into the Republican primary and defeated a Republican candidate who vowed to restore the Confederacy. I’m sure old Honest Abe would conclude the world had gone absolutely stark raving mad, with you and your Republican cronies gnashing your teeth, and rending your garments, moaning about ‘voter fraud’ and ‘electoral irregularities’ being responsible for the return of a Southern-fried cornpone like Thad Cochran to his eighteenth consecutive term in the House of Representatives. Have you, John Boehner and your bleating talk show and Internet lickspittle lackeys like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Michelle Malkin no sense of decency? Have you and your accomplices in the assassination of liberty and human rights in this country no shame whatsoever? Does the concept of hypocrisy mean nothing to you, or has it, in fact, become the Republican Party’s watchword?”
“Mighty feisty lady you’ve got there, Tom,” Lure propounded while giving Cerise a leering once-over and drawing near to my right ear, whispering, “That time of the month, huh?” followed by a knowing jab in my ribs with his elbow.
“She has quite a few of her own ideas,” I allowed. “But if James Carville can live with Mary Matalin, there’s no reason on God’s green earth why Cerise and I can’t get along just fine. On the other hand, I’m sure you, as a lawyer, must be aware, as even I, a humble layman am, that this lawsuit business borders on nothing less than comic opera.”
“Really?” Lure challenged. “What makes you say that?”
“Because,” I explained, “unless I am sorely mistaken, under the Constitution, it would be necessary for the House to pass a bill making it possible for Congress to sue the President.”
“Um… yes… that’s… a potential obstacle,” he admitted.
“And although the House, being currently under control of a Republican majority, probably would do so, the Democrat controlled Senate would almost certainly bottle such a bill up in committee, if not kill it outright.”
“There are other possibilities,” Lure insisted.
“But short of an invasion from Mars,” I japed, “not very many – at least that I can imagine. I would concede, however, that perhaps Eric Cantor or Sarah Palin could outdo me on that.”
“I’m absolutely sure they could!” Lure confidently asserted.
“Nevertheless,” I continued, “there’s one last hurdle for such legislation that I think even you would have to agree is essentially insurmountable – if the Senate were, by some inexplicable miracle, to ratify such a bill, President Obama himself would have to sign it before it became law and Speaker Boehner’s proposed lawsuit could proceed.”
“Yeah,” Lure sighed, “there is that. Which is why I was thinking, isn’t it lucky I met up with you here during intermission tonight, because I wanted to ask you about something. You see, Tom, this week the Supreme Court ruled Obama’s recess appointments are unconstitutional because the Republicans managed to keep the Senate in session…”
“Even though the Senate never did anything!” Cerise interjected.
“Which,” Lure responded, “as you observed previously, is completely indistinguishable from their usual accomplishments during normal sessions. So, Tom, given that Obama’s on the ropes, constitutionally speaking, I wanted to get your input on how we can proceed with public relations if we use that situation to rationalize a lawsuit outside of the legislative process solely on the grounds of existing constitutional law, under Article I, wherein Congress has the power to bring causes of action when, in our opinion, the President of the United States is exceeding his authority.”
“You Republicans actually believe,” I asked, astounded, “you can do that? Good Lord, man, that’s completely absurd!”
“As the Republicans have proved, time and again,” he reminded me, “belief, no matter how absurd, trumps facts, no matter how many Democrats say otherwise. So – what to you think?”
Just then, the house lights flashed and the chimes for the second act began. “Ciao,” Cerise chirped at Lure as she took me firmly by the left arm and began to lead me back toward our box seats, after which she leaned close by to murmur, “Talk about being saved by the bell.”