Problematic Palin Punch-up Proves Potentially Presidential

Deer mating season has begun here in Washington – I almost hit one while driving down the George Washington Parkway to the office yesterday just after dawn. The frost’s not quite on the pumpkin here yet, but unquestionably, if you’re a randy young buck, this is fine weather to chase nookie through the spectacular fall colored woods. Driven to madness by gushing hormones, the poor dumb creatures are heedless to danger – not unlike human teenagers, actually. This time of year, they bound across busy highways and suburban streets, lost in the heat of the chase – or flight, as their gender dictates, and, of course, routinely fail to look both ways before doing so. Consequently, their corpses are a regular sight on roadsides here in the Nation’s Capital this time of year. Folks from West Virginia are presumably nonplused when visiting then to see so much perfectly good, fresh and wholesome road kill just lying there, going to waste. Local ordinances, however, forbid the affluent residents of the DC Metro area any opportunity to exact sweet revenge for the plunder of their exotic vegetable gardens, expensive ornamental trees, world-class flower beds, prize-winning rhododendrons, azaleas and other beloved shrubs through the collection of some free venison. No doubt my early afternoon consultation caller on Saturday, who hails from the great state of Alaska, would agree with the West Virginians, and, moreover, decry such regulations as another example of Big Government encroachment on our God-given American freedoms.
As I bid goodbye to an extremely worried Liberian diplomat after a frank discussion of the policy implications of Ebola quarantine, Gretchen’s voice, emanating from my telephone desk set, matter-of-factly announced my next client: “Governor Sarah Palin on Line Two, Mr. Collins.”

Palin: Hello, is this Tom Collins?
Tom: It is indeed, Governor.
Palin: They say you’re the smartest person in Washington DC.
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Palin: Oh, I get it! Baltimore doesn’t have all that many tall buildings, does it? And even the tallest ones are nothing to write home about, are they? And so you’re saying that being the smartest person in Washington doesn’t really amount to much, and I would be the first person to agree with you on that!
Tom: Your widespread reputation for blinding insight once again reasserts itself, Governor. May I ask how you got my telephone number?
Palin: John McCain gave it to me.
Tom: I must remember to thank him for that. What can I do for you, Governor?
Palin: Well, first of all, I hear you give folks their first consultation for no money whatsoever, correct?
Tom: As part of my business development strategy, I do, in fact, offer an initial consultation free of charge.
Palin: Well that’s good, because your rates are pretty darn steep there, you know.
Tom: You get what you pay for, ma’am.
Palin: I guess so, if you’ve got money to burn, like you folks down there in Washington do.
Tom: This is where we print the stuff, Governor. We haven’t burned any of it for quite a while, however, due to provisions of the Clean Air Act. Rest assured, though, you will not receive an invoice for this telephone consultation and are under no obligation to avail yourself of my services in the future, either.
Palin: Okay, then, what the hell, might as well, eh?
Tom: Certainly.
Palin: And can I be sure of… you know… confidentiality?
Tom: I guarantee you the same level of confidentiality that all of my clients receive, Governor.


Palin: All right then, well, you see, there was this birthday party for Todd, my husband…
Tom: On September 6, where you surprised him on his fiftieth birthday with a new truck, a new trailer and a new trailer wrap at a party in your home town of Wasilla, Alaska.
Palin: That’s right, and Todd was so happy! But then afterwards, we all took a stretch Hummer limo to this snow machine party on Harbor Circle over on Southside in Anchorage, where there was a triple birthday celebration going on for Matt McKenna, Matt’s twin brother, and Todd. That was where this horrible guy that was so mean to my daughter Willow…
Tom: An ex-boyfriend?
Palin: Yeah, something like that. He was real nice to her at first for a while, but later he was mean to her and she dumped him.
Tom: Or that’s what Willow said, I suppose.
Palin: Are you suggesting that guy might have dumped Willow, a beautiful, smart, talented young lady who also happens to be my daughter?
Tom: Well, when couples break up, you never know for sure who dumped who, now do you?
Palin: Let me tell you, Mr. Collins, that nobody dumps my daughters! If there’s any dumping to be done, they do it! Is that clear?
Tom: Abundantly, ma’am. Please, continue; then what happened?
Palin: So then his hoodlum – who I suspect maybe had too much to drink – picks a fight with my son Track. Then this Klingenmeyer guy sticks his nose in it…
Tom: Mr. Klingenmeyer owns the home where the snow machine party was being held, doesn’t he?
Palin: Maybe, but that doesn’t make him Jesus Christ or anything, now does it?
Tom: But he did have a right to intervene to stop a physical altercation which was occurring on his property, didn’t he?
Palin: I think that could be a very complex legal question, given that a daughter of the former governor of the state in which that altercation was occurring was the cause of it.
Tom: Perhaps so. I’m definitely not a lawyer, and certainly no authority on the a legal system of Alaska. Then what happened?
Palin: My other daughter Bristol went over there, and Todd went over there, and I went over there, and we tried to restore order, you know, like the family of a former governor would be expected to do.
Tom: And how did that work out?
Palin: I announced that a former governor was present, by saying, “Don’t you know who I am?” But everybody was so drunk, nobody did.
Tom: Apparently, you Alaskans can really knock back the sauce. On the police tapes, Track couldn’t even spell his own last name.
Palin: Well, to tell the truth, Track’s never been very good at spelling.
Tom: On the other hand, it looks like he’s pretty good at fighting.
Palin: He was defending his sister Bristol.
Tom: He told the police he took his shirt off first because it was new.
Palin: Todd taught him that – when you’re wearing a nice shirt, remember to take it off before you fight.
Tom: But Todd got a bloody nose, and he didn’t take his shirt off.
Palin: Todd was wearing an old shirt. It all depends – you don’t take your jersey off when you fight at a hockey game, now do you? And besides, I don’t think he had time to take his shirt off, anyway.
Tom: I guess not. Do you think Bristol really needed defending, though? The word is, she’s pretty scrappy herself, and she’s got a mean right hook and used it several times on Mr. Klingenmeyer’s face.
Palin: Yeah, well all my girls can take care of themselves, you betcha. But we Palins stick together. Bristol was defending Willow, and Track was defending Bristol, and Todd was defending all his children and I was defending everybody.
Tom: True conservative family values at work, no doubt about that. But what about when Bristol got knocked down and dragged out?
Palin: People started running in and out of the woods! Some man dragged Bristol on the ground in her party dress and she lost her sandals and her three hundred dollar sunglasses and the lame stream liberal media looked the other way because even though it was an assault on a woman, the woman was a conservative! You bet I let them have it about that shameless hypocrisy of theirs with respect to that issue!
Tom: Wasn’t it Klingenmeyer who dragged her and told her to get off the property?
Palin: Maybe. Things were kind of mixed up by then. Bristol heard somebody had hit Willow and that somebody, maybe Mr. Klingenmeyer, maybe an old woman, was pushing Willow, but who knows? It was like a big dog pile, like you’d see after a really bad call at a football game, like where they brought back a winning touchdown on a holding penalty or something, you know?
Tom: And that story about the Palin family standing around flipping everyone the bird as they all peeled out of there when the cops showed up – was that all just lame stream media’s salacious, fictitious gossip, then?
Palin: Hey, this was serious business! There were broken ribs and stuff! In a situation like that, you’d be giving the finger to a lot of people yourself, I bet!
Tom: And you didn’t try to hide Track from the cops when they arrived?
Palin: I put him in the limo so we could get ready to leave, that’s all. As soon as the cops asked to talk to him, I told Track to get out and cooperate. Plus, somebody came up and hit Track’s friend Steve on the head and knocked him out, and Track tried to tell the police about it, because that’s what really set Track off, when that guy cold-cocked Track’s little gay friend and then ran off into the woods.
Tom: Track has a gay friend?
Palin: Well, not really gay, like in he has sex with men gay or anything like that. This guy, Track’s friend, he’s just sort of a ninety-five pound weakling, you know, a sissy, and Track’s natural instinct is to protect him, so when that guy snuck up behind Steve and knocked him out, that made Track very upset, as I’m sure you can understand. But the police didn’t chase that guy, even after Track told them about him. And when Todd went to break up the fight, five guys jumped him! That’s probably why Todd left his shirt on – no way it was a fair fight! And all of those guys that jumped Todd ran into the woods and got away! And at one point, there were five or six guys fighting with Bristol, and the police just let all of them run away into the woods, too, while they interviewed us!
Tom: And the reports that earlier in the evening at the snow machine party, Track had tried to start a fight with his father – anything to those?
Palin: People who aren’t members of my family have no idea what they’re seeing when Track and Todd behave like typical, loving Alaskan father and son!
Tom: Well, I’d say this is all quite fraught with dire import, to say the least. I assume you want advice on how to deal with the aftermath, its consequences, the media uproar and subsequent effect on your reputation?
Palin: Uh, no, not really.
Tom: Then you’re interested in exploring options to prevent something similar from happening again?
Palin: Nope.
Tom: Then what, may I ask, do you need?
Palin: Some ideas on other stuff we could do as a family.
Tom: What!
Palin: Well, you know, since September, my public recognition factor has gone back up to near where it was when I was running for Vice President!
Tom: Really? How remarkable.
Palin: Yes, and, as we both know, 2016 is right around the corner!
Tom: You mean, what you really want is some suggestions as to how you and your family can keep getting the level of attention you have experienced since September 6?
Palin: Yeah – like they say, any publicity is better than no publicity.
Tom: And you don’t think incidents like the snow machine party at the Klingenmeyer’s is going to ah… negatively affect your… image as a potential vice presidential…
Palin: Or presidential!
Tom: … candidate?
Palin: Absolutely not! People will see the Palins as a tough, loyal, close-knit frontier family, that’s what I figure. So, what have you got?
Tom: Um…. for starters, I guess one of you could fall down a well and get stuck. CNN would cover that pretty much 24 / 7 until whichever one of you it was got out.
Palin: Stuck down a well! Love it! Hmmm… who should it be? Willow’s the most sympathetic, of course, but Bristol’s got that little kid… tough one there, got to think about it. What else?
Tom: The family could go on a hunting trip and kill some endangered species.
Palin: All right, I can see that, but do you really think that would be big a deal?
Tom: It was big deal when the King of Spain did it.
Palin: The King of Spain did it?
Tom: Affirmative.  And it got him loads of attention, that’s for sure.
Palin: Okay, in that case, what endangered species would you suggest?
Tom: How about the Palins go tiger hunting? Select some Asian village where a tiger has been eating the local livestock – or better yet, the locals themselves. The Palin family shows up, rifles in hand, tracks the thing down and kills it. The tree huggers will scream out your name in righteous outrage for months after, and meanwhile, you maintain you saved the villagers from starvation or worse simply by exercising your God-given right to keep and bear arms.
Palin: Worth considering, no doubt about that. We love to hunt, and the travel would be good for the kids. What else?
Tom: You know those accessories people put on their SUVs that allow them to produce big black billowing clouds of choking smoke behind the SUV at the touch of a button?
Palin: Yeah, I’ve heard of those.
Tom: Have everybody in the Palin family install them on all their vehicles. That should get you plenty of attention.
Palin: And the idea would be that we would push that button every time we pass a Prius or hybrid or electric car?
Tom: Exactly. Show them what the Palin family thinks of traitors who would express opposition to the oil industry in Alaska.
Palin: Nice jobs and economy angles to that one. Got any more?
Tom: Well, the whole Palin family could just mysteriously disappear without notice for a few months. That could provide virtually constant global media coverage lasting well after you suddenly re-appear, telling a gripping, fascinating tale and bearing news of incredible importance.
Palin: And what would that be?
Tom: One moment, please… Governor, my private secretary is sending me an instant message saying there’s a Austrian environmental attaché outside who needs to speak with me concerning an urgent ecological issue.
Palin: Urgent ecological issue? Probably about the kangaroos or those koala bears or Dundee crocodiles or something like that, huh? Can’t it wait?
Tom: I’m afraid not – he’s a paying customer. And Austria… oh never mind. Tell you what – how about I send you an email with those details and a few more ideas about what you can do to keep attracting attention to yourself and your family until it’s time for you to declare your candidacy for high federal public office?
Palin: Ah… sure, okay, do that. When can I expect…
Tom: Close of business Monday, east coast time, at the latest.
Palin: Oh, really? Okay, sure, that will be fine. Uh, thanks.
Tom: You’re welcome. Keep fighting the good fight.
Palin: Um… they’re all good, aren’t they?
Tom: Of course. But if you do eventually get elected President of the United States, could I ask a favor?
Palin: Sure! What?
Tom: Don’t get in any brawls with the Putins.
Palin: Oh, no, of course not. Or the British Royal Family, or the King of Siam, or the Pope, or anybody like that.
Tom: Or Xi Jinping and Peng Liyuan.
Palin: What – those people who run the dry cleaners down on Parks Highway?
Tom: No, I… oh, never mind. Goodbye, Governor.
Palin: Okay! ‘Bye!